Saturday, December 22, 2012

Deer stand 2 : Lance 0 , chapter two the hunt continues

Well, after the eventful deer stand climbing season ended for the day, and I walked back to the car, where this time Jeanne and Loki were waiting for me instead of Jeanne going to stand with me.  As it was normally, I was afraid to go anywhere or do anything without Jeanne or Loki or both, but since arriving at the farm?  Almost immediately I was doing and going by myself, driving around the farm, going down to Dad's place with Loki,  besides the tree stand I was feeling absolutely great.

But this day had ended, and we drove back to grandma's,  then chatted at Dad's for awhile, back to grandma's for more chatting then off to early bed, for tomorrow would be another early rise.  Laid out my clothes, with a little more precision than the day before,  and I noticed the alarm clock was set, however the clock seemed to be ever so slightly moving closer to Jeanne's side of the bed,  I wondered what could be happening here, although I knew already.  I'll be watching that closely here on out.  She's sneaky that way I tell you.

Anyway,  we awoke to the alarm clock, but she was quick to slap it and roll back in bed,  but I heard it enough to get up and get moving, and down stairs for food, Loki hot on my tail to say good morning,  and jumped up on Linda's lap on her chair to get her moving also.  About time I finished eating Jeanne come zombie like into the kitchen.  Shortly after we were off, her and Loki would take a nap in the car while I went off on my own into the great beyond,  well maybe 300 yards from the car near where I was the previous night on stand, where I couldn't handle the actual getting into stand,  anyway, this was on the other side of that timber on the east side.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Time to Start blogging again. The Hunt chapter one:

Alright, yeah I've been inconsistent with blogging, and lot of people have actually asked when I was going to start again,  so, here's to my public followers, and thank you for reading.

Ok, I left off I believe a good month ago, our big trip back to Argyle and my first time hunting since 1996, this really is a great year for me, first time fishing in about 12 years, first time hunting since "96".  Things really are moving forward, not FAST by all means, still have occasional issues, but damn, I'm going hunting.  If you ask Jeanne, was driving her nuts, I was SO excited to get going, was ready to leave a week before season opened.

Well time had come, and we took off, the 3 of us on our next journey, Loki as excited as I it seemed, he was a nervous wreck worse than I.  And once again, great trip had no problems riding in the car whatsoever,  but Grandma wasn't going to be home yet, she was still in hospital in Darlington after her second successful hip replacement, so after morning hunt on Saturday we'd go see her in the hospital, that'll be another step for me, another new place to visit, well not knew, but since my anxiety is slowly getting worked on, everything is new to me after so long in my mental prison, like learning to walk all over again.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Here comes Santa Clause! too early

Well, we got done with the Mukwonago house basically on the 1st for move in today,  last 3 days of working were 12 hour ones and I had come down with a nasty nasty cold, was miserable trying to focus and get crap done.  And I don't think anyone but Richard still has gotten a thank you for doing all the work for the mother in law.  That just eats at me terrible.  And I was messing with the kids in the kitchen a bit ago just now, and got a "why don't you go somewhere else from the woman again.   *sigh*.

So, I guess I look forward to seeing MY family coming up soon,  deer hunting starts on the 17th, I still plan on going, or at the least going over there for a few days, would love to stay for a week, but I'm sure Jeanne will go nuts being there too long without her internet.  I miss it a little, but after a couple days, you just forget about it, busy doing other things.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Stress stress stress

Well yeah, been awhile, October been just brutal month of constant running with really no pay off it seems.  Just stress and more of it.  So, without further introductions,  I guess i'll try to catch up where I left off.

Last time I posted was about 16 days ago, which seems like 2 years. The month started with Jeanne having to take her dad to milwaukee for his radiation treatments.  So, I'm home alone, which yeah big deal right?  Well she's gone from 3-5 hours, that's new for me over the past 10 years, so that raised stress levels way up, but surprisingly didn't really effect my anxiety, in the past that would of driven me into a frenzy, but I survived it, only lasted a couple weeks I guess.  What's funny about it,  her Dad would drive 30 minutes to Burlington to meet with Jeanne then have her drive using our gas, so he could save money.  So nice of him.  That's part of my stress I live around, it's little things

But, my main cause and concern, and yeah i'll get yelled at for posting I guess the issues I have with my mother-in-law, but if you don't want to read about it, don't read it here!  First of all she don't like men, so strike one on me, no she's married, seperated of course, just doesn't like guys, and most women the way it seems, unless she's trying to impress someone then you see a different person, soon as they are gone, back to same old same old.

This will take a bit to go through.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Moving on, one day at a time

Well, been awhile again, just haven't felt like writing lately. lazy I guess.  Loki had his surgery last Tuesday, everything went very good, good but costly, darn expensive.  But hopefully worth it in the long run,  sure an empty house without him around.  hated it.  Got me even looking for another puppy just for my own well being, and just in case scenarios. Hate to think that way, but besides we WANT more dogs,  two would be plenty,  and more costly, but we love dogs so much.  Going to keep looking very hard,  Loki will be healed up in another 10 days when he gets the cone of shame off, and his stitches removed from his belly.

Poor dog, a good 8 or 9 inch incision on his belly and all shaved off, plus front leg party shaved, I assume for the intravenus (I-V) and a scab on his back between his shoulder blades, I think is the microchip implant.  Sure cant' even tell he's had surgery. The first day back, he was a little down, but not for long, now 5 days removed he's raring to go, but he cant' do much for another 9 or 10 days.  Took forever the day we were to pick the little brat up from the Vet's office.  I was watching down the hallway that goes into the "vet's" area,  and Loki must of heard my voice,  here I see him pop his head out of a doorway, and yeah, the nurse wasn't gonna hold him from coming to see daddy, not my boy hehe.  Here he comes, and I tell ya,  I got mauled with kisses all over, whining and wiggling doggy happy to see his dad.  And vice versa.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Coyotes are calling!

About a week since my last post, just haven't felt like writing, and that's not good for keeping my readers happy.  Sorry about that.  Felt fine, just been running around doing crap.  So, the trail camera I bought,  wasn't happy at first, but a lot was user error.  Too high placement, too low, tinker with settings.  One hint is don't put it on too small a tree, every breeze that blows you get 30 pictures, you get a big windy day you'll fill the camera up with 600 pictures of the wind blowing.  Been there, done that.

About 3 feet off the ground and sturdy attachment will get you what you want.  Which in my case after a week of tinkering was one morning dove flying by lol.  But, besides my interest in critters of all types, I'm using this as another thing for me to do to push myself and make myself walk further alone, and with Loki away from the house.  At first I kept moving the camera a little further away, but now I have a great spot about 300 yards or so from the house on a fence line.  I shouldn't be checking it everyday, due to getting my scent in the area too often.  But I look forward to the exercise and the unknowing what might of been captured.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Not ready to solo yet!

Been trying to push myself in different ways.  I stay on my regular medications which is supposed to just keep a certain level in your system, and it's the kind that doesn't impair you in any way.  And use a little less or none of my other meds that can be addicting, and do cause a bit of inpairment, not really noticable unless you take full dose, which is only 1 milligram, but it's kind of like having a couple drinks.  You feel relaxed.  But even in times of severe panic those pills only cut the suffering a bit.  They do work now when I have an attack, but I think at some point they are a bit of placebo.

Anyway, going for rides with Jeanne, if I know we aren't planning on long trips or store visits, I try to go without my relaxant meds.  Many times I take the bottle of meds with me in case, and that really is the placebo effect, sometimes I'm fine just a little jumpy.  And when I leave it at home, I tend to think about it, therefore more jumpy, so I'm trying to push myself to not NEED those meds, but right now since it's been 7 months already, but really not long compared to the nearly 11 years of going through the anxiety,  I'll be on all the meds a while longer consistently.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Brain damage? Nah it's all in your mind!

Since there is over 20 million americans alone who suffer from one or another ailment of anxiety, that's just in the United States,  millions more world wide, it can't be brain damage causing the anxiety, least not all of us.  So, when you hear "it's all in your mind, get over it", don't let it bother you.  Because they are right.  To a point.  It is all in your mind, but it's not like a fear of heights, snakes, spiders, whatever phobia ails many people.  It's just not the same, sorry.

With severe anxiety disorders, such as I have, more so "had", there is a pathway in your brain that has been somewhat, some way altered.  Basically meaning the previous daily routine now becomes difficult.  When you come to the daily routine, the pathway in your head that's been damaged in a manner,  what used to be second nature to achieve, now has this road block.  And it is physically there in your brain, it's not imagined, the pathways have actually changed. That's what cause severe anxiety.  You have to actually form a new pathway, by basically relearning what used to come natural to you, and bypass the old block in the path.

So, when you hit that block, you now start to worry. "oh no, yesterday I had a panic attack when I was going to walk the dog, I better not do that today."  And that leads to no longer doing that particular thing.  Then you are working in the garden, have a panic attack for whatever reason,  guess what,  new block in a pathway.  And that according to the doctors is truly there and happening.  Your brain regenerates the pathways, but you have to form them also, you learn constantly.  With helps from medication making it easier to rebuild your path, you will get less blocks.

It's not like a fear of spiders, where if you constantly subjected yourself handling them until your fear was gone, which may work not sure, I hate spiders, where as anxiety the fear isn't really seen, it's felt, and you'd think you would be able to control your own body, since the brain is part of it, but it's a miraculous thing that brain, some smaller than others :)  but with blocked pathways built up, especially in myself having built up a lot of road construction upstairs over 10 long years,  it's basically like learning to walk all over again.

So, yep it's all in your head, they are right, but those that don't believe in panic and anxiety, aren't informed completely on what is truly the whole story.  So, next time you hear, it's all in your head, get over it,  agree with them, and maybe educate them a little on the part they missed.

Moving on.  I've been bad about keeping up with my posts lately, as winter approaches i've been trying to push myself doing different things than normal, since i'll be locked up inside i'm sure more when it's cold out.  Therefore i've lost a lot of interest in my posts, sadly.  Was really enjoying seeing nearly a hundred people a day viewing the blog and growing, it's really dropped off, my fault I know.

News on the homefront.  Went to the dogpark nearly at dark last night, didn't take any medication yesterday, well took my regular ones, but not the "relaxant" ones that i'm supposed to take morning and night,  but I wanted to challenge myself to ride to the park, and do it without "help".  And I was pretty darn jumpy, but survived it ok, no damaged pathways.  Soon as I got home, I looked at the med bottle put one in my hand, and then put it right back in the bottle.  Lifted weights for 15 minutes and painted for a half hour instead.  Screw you anxiety.

I'll be trying that again without meds, i'll take them with.  Sometimes just having the miracle medication around, is like a kid with a blanket, makes you feel safe.  But that's why I wanted to go without. You take the meds long enough they start becoming habit, you "need" them.  Just like alcohol becomes a habit or smoking or whatever.  So, I need to be able to do this without relying solely on the meds or face addiction, habit, or a blanket that I need for comfort always.  I survived it without a full blown attack, so I don't "need" them that much anymore.  But do need to keep myself going for a while yet, I'm ready to walk, just not quite ready to run apparently.

Let's see,  Loki's allergy issues or whatever it really is,  finally seems to be healing up, so soon it'll be time to call the Vet and get his nuts wherever they are chopped.   I'm not looking forward to it, he don't know it's coming, but I guarantee if he did, he'd not look forward to it either.  I'm sure a lot more than I.  But, they haven't dropped after 7 months, they aren't going to.

Bought one of those trail cameras, trying to figure it out, seems straight forward but sure not getting much at night, supposed to have 55 to 60 foot infrared range, which is very good distance for these cameras and 8 megapixels, also very good.  But night time range i've tested isn't getting more than about 10 feet.  Anyway, trying to get pictures of the damn coyotes that keep invading us, and it gives me something new and different to do.

We'll see what happens. 



Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Family visit and back to same old same old

Well, finally got rid of the family that was down to visit *JUST KIDDING*.  Always great to see them, and keeps me wanting more time with them.  Paid back Grandma for the weight I put on when I was over to them last,  Had to laugh when she weighed herself in the bathroom, "FOUR POUNDS!" I put on 4 lbs since we were here.  Hehe.    And she also mentioned she found the pine cone I stuffed in her shoe about a week after we had left Argyle.  Somehow I got blamed for it.  *shrug* dunno why.

Love that lady.  But it did seem like we didn't stop eating or munching the entire time we were together.  Best food from our family I tell ya. Heck with Paula Dean lol.   OH, that's right, wonderful family heh, I knew about time they would be here on Monday, so Loki and I walked towards town about 1/2 mile to "meet them" more or less, I figured they'd drive by and leave us stranded, which they did,  Greg leaning out the window asking which way to Burlington as they laughed and whooshed by me trotting behind with Loki in tail lol.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Packers, what is wrong with you!

Bad weekend for Wisconsin football geez.  We need a new defensive coordinator, time to say goodbye to Capers and promote Kevin Greene the linebackers coach,  and order a new pair of hands for Finley, "elite" tight end my butt.   And Badgers? wow you guys didn't look worth a crap, enough said.   We need a running game all the way around in Wisconsin apparently.

Anyway.  Waiting on the family to arrive, should be about a hour now, and last night the excitement of seeing them again had me a tad on the edge, couldn't sleep worth a crap, so i'm dead dog tired.   Speaking of dead dog,  coyotes keep picking away at Niko's grave site, and it's REALLY starting to piss me off.  All I have for weoponry is my longbow and a few arrows, have my 2 pistols from my law enforcement days but no ammo, need a long rifle to deal with the issue.  But before getting doctor help, I honestly didn't trust myself with any weopons around as bad as I was feeling with my anxiety.

But now, any thoughts like that are long gone.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

What's new in the world of anxiety?

Heck not a lot hehe.  Feeling good, my last post left me with feeling really uncomfortable in a store, and that night I went back and we went to 3 stores and a nice run in the dog park just to piss off anxiety and let it know who's in charge.  Felt good, great really.  Got a bunch of food, munchies mainly for my families visit tomorrow.

Bunch of cheese, even bought some Limburger, gee whiz that stuff stinks, you get passed the smell?  You know what that stuff is pretty darn tasty, can't believe I actually tried it,  Grandpa Bob loved the stuff, I do see why now, but man it stinks like a pair of gym socks stuck away in a corner of a locker for a couple months.  But tasty all the same, not that I've tried gym socks but the cheese is good.  And of course had to buy my swiss cheese, love it love it, must be cuz I'm swiss who knows.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Family coming to Visit!

Hunting season starts soon, so, that means Greg aka Dad, won't be seen much for about 2 months, SO, Grandma, Dad, and Aunt Linda going to come down and stay for the night.  Always good to see them, lifts my spirits up.  And they can see all the changes we did to our places with the new paint, and a few added items.  And of course Grandma can't come without bringing have the grocery store with her geez.  Can't even remember everything she's bringing,  but I did here 2 racks of RIBS!! After that the rest was kind of lost hehe.

So, that'll be fun, they are coming on Monday.  This past week, we took Loki into the vet again, his ears and nose, and his right eyelid still having a lot of redness, some swelling, and lots and lots of itching.  This time the vet gaves us some cream to put on it, and within 2 days he's already looking like he's almost back to normal.  We still don't know what in the heck it is,  we're all guessing allergies the way it looked.  But did the allergies go away with the rain or did the medications and lotion work.  pfft don't know.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Helping others?

A while ago I finally got a new police scanner, hadn't had one for about 12 years, and I really missed having one.  Being an ex-police officer, I missed the feeling of being involved, or heck, just being nosy I guess.  But hearing the chatter brings me back to the old days, even though I wasn't a cop for maybe 5 years total.  Sadly I could of retired by now if I stuck with it lol, started way too young at 19 years old,  but I loved it.

Grew up around Tom and Jim Erb, and John Strause,  which I had to pleasure to work with in official capacity, so it seemed like it was just natural for me to do it.  Unfortunately at 7.20 a hour being a cop didn't appeal too long to me, without a college degree to go along with it, apparently I was going to be stuck in a real low wage career that just isn't worth the risks you take at that kind of money.

But, still miss it, hence the police scanner, keeps me in touch.  But, the more I listen to it, the more and more you hear ambulance calls for people suffering panic attacks.  Now, when my issues started, I really had to search on the internet for anxiety and panic issues.  They were the closet medical issues, ones you didn't hear or talk about.  It's "mental" so they must be nuts or going crazy.  Well, heh, that's not the case.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Happy Labor Day!

Still falling behind on my darn posts, been trying to keep busy busy busy..... And it works, been feeling wonderful, trying not to spend so much time in the stores, yet staying active and trying newer things, which I haven't found much new to do yet.

And yep still trying to finish painting, should be done today,  it got so hot out again, couldn't have the windows open to air it out, but just a bit left in the kitchen then finished!  Does look great, and I love change, the new colors aren't really my cup of tea, but gotta make Jeanne happy.  Looks a little too pink to me in the living room and kitchen, but it's a warmer feeling, calming, so I guess it'll work.   Bedroom and the bathroom kind of off yellow with a couple walls a brownish, once again not my color, but huge difference from before and looks nice.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Catching up falling behind!

Misleading post title maybe?  Feeling great for past week.  Been so busy painting and redecorating and whatever else I can get myself into that I've fallen behind in my updates.  Sorry about that.

It's been really just the same old story for the last week,  dog park, dog walk, paint, pick on the kids etc etc.  Been trying to embed with the kids to quit leaving all their crap laying around and my new attempt to have kids untie their shoes before removing and the like. 

The two middle age kids are taking to it fairly well, because they love to use their 3ds game things hehe.   The oldest has learned that if he just hides his shoes it's easier I guess, which is almost a win for me because they are no longer just dropped wherever he feels like it,  on the couch, on top of the back of the couch, on chairs, tables, floor, wherever he is at the time, so one step forward.  The youngest girl of 5, well, not much for shoelaces yet, all velcro, but she must have 8 or 9 slippers, shoes or flipflops,  I know this because I give her the same foot attire daily 8 or 9 times because they are left, on the floor, on the couch, on chairs wherever lol.  Wonder where she's learning that?

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

What a difference a day makes!

Well, 2 days ago I thought my anxiety world was turning it's ugly head.  But either mind over matter or maybe a bug going around causing some body issues triggering panic with me I don't know.

But today had a wonderful day,  couple long walks and play with the dog in the morning, started early prepping for a day of painting the 2nd bathroom, and everything was going great, and still is.  Don't recall having any issues at all today what so ever.

SPent a good 3 hours taping, patching, all the prepping crap, and then painting mostly all of the bathroom, and cleaning up my wonderful mess.  Will have to post some pictures after everything is done, if I remember to get before and after pictures, which I doubt I will.  But looking good, and great therapy except the fumes.  But it sure keeps your mind going in a positive direction, no time to think about anxiety.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Figuring out some issues

Going to skip over a few days to get right to the present time, because I've been having some bad flare ups of anxiety the last week.  Biggest thing I believe I can attribute to it, is I've been playing some computer games for quite a long time at night for past 4-5 days.  Today at home wasn't feeling great, needed to go to the hardware store for a part for a light fixture.  Wasn't comfortable going there, and was ready to scream in the store, couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I've been to this store already, just once but it was still not foreign to me.

But i'm really quite pissed off at this panic i'm feeling.  Or more so annoyed with letting it get to me, and probably causing it myself.  I know playing video games and sitting on my ass leads to issues with anxiety every time.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Painting and more painting

Well, painting under way, house is revolting it feels like, we got crap everywhere,  took couple days of off and on painting the living room to get it done, wait to dry, see where I missed and do it again hehe.  We have a skylight in the living room, that was great joy to paint, standing on top of a regular sized ladder to reach all the way to the top, watching the clouds zip over head,  that was NOT fun, wow was I getting dizzy looking up in there, and not fond of heights.

But I survived lol.  Looks great, except the "fortune cookie" color that was supposed to be a tannish color looks more pink, but it's a nice change.  And the constant working on it, plus moving everything around doesn't leave much time for anxiety, and gets rid of the extra energy building up.

Puppy park at night, paint during the day, sidelined by constant children needing something or another.  Started working on the small bathroom, we have two.  And that dang room is proving to be a royal pain in the behind, must of been just primer previously, it's soaking up paint nonstop, that room is taking me forever, stress level going up up and up.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Back to "normal" ?

Well, home again.  Already miss the farm,  but I know for a fact if the farm still had cows?  I doubt I'd be saying the same thing.  But, now to clean up the aftermath of short vacations with clothes and dog toys to find home for, and the closet I cleaned out after a short 21 year tenure.  Wow what a flashback to the 80's holy crap!!

Did find quite a few hidden treasures that were long forgotten, but that's not important to the world.  Not sure we even got a welcome back except from the kids,  all I heard was "we wondered when you were coming home, the grass needs to be cut".  Welcome home! 

It's Monday, need rest!!, spent the whole day just trying to organize the mess we brought back,  Loki was right back at home and right back to normal, not sure I was though.  Not much really happened besides back to the normal routine right off the bat,  constant knocking on our door, and being pulled away for constant,  "I can't find this, where is it at".   Wasn't my day to watch it response usually gets me a dirty look, but heck I didn't touch whatever you are looking for, why do we always have to know where everything is gee whiz hehe.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Final Day and heading home!

Last day on the farm, not sure if I'm ready to go back or not, but pretty sure other home would fall apart without Jeanne and I there,  grass will be 2 feet tall, hopefully someone fed the kids!!
Got up nice and early, beautiful almost chilly nights sleep, what a change from the heat,  did the morning Loki saying hello ritual to Grandma and Linda, then outside for a little walk and the potty dance, and chased a few grasshoppers around,  Loki's new favorite toy.

Another big breakfast and then Dad stopped up early,  I mentioned seeing some old pictures and talking about family, and family history, so I dug around in the attic and a couple other spots I still remembered Grandma usually kept keepsakes, and sure enough we spent probably the next 3 hours with our noses buried in family history.  What a joy that was, and pictures that were dating back to the 1860's of our family, Wow that was fun.  Spent so long at it almost forgot about lunch, which we dug into once again, then right back to a new "old" box of photos.  Going back to my dad's dad, dad, errr whatever that is hehe. 

Monday, August 13, 2012

Day 5: People everywhere

Rain in the forecast today!!  Believe it when I see it, meteorologists can't seem to predict the weather if they are out in it.  Heat is still here, woke up feeling great but so humid.  Loki finally seems at ease here,  his potty schedule is back to normal, just in time to start thinking about heading back east and he'll be all nervous again, poor doggy.
After a big breakfast again,  Dad stopped by and we had another laugh session as per usual,  I think that's the best part of coming home, the practical jokes and laughter were never ending.  Too bad you can't bottle that and sell it, seems to be the best cure for what ails you.  You have to check your shoes for every trap possible.  Which I learned from Grandpa, which I'm sure he learned from his Grandpa, probably goes back to where our family begins, and the long line of practical jokes in this family,  it's just not safe at all, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  And nobody is out of the line of fire.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Day 4: So good to be home!

Day 4:  Dad and I were going fishing this morning!   Yeah right Jim stayed til 1:00 am, I found that out later, but had figured he would stay late and Dad would be in bed.  But of course this morning I awoke at 5:00 am and checked out the window to see if his truck was here, then back to bed, check at 6 no dad, check at 7 no dad hehe.   So, Loki and I went for a walk after saying good morning to the ladies of the house.
After another wonderful breakfast,  I think today was Linda's omelette, couldn't believe how good it was, best i've had.  I think so far just being home that all food just tastes better on the farm, kinda weird eh? 
Pretty uneventful morning just sat and chatted about whatever with Grandma and Linda and waited for Jeanne to begin her day,  *not a morning riser*  hehe.  Loki was finally getting over his anxiety a bit, takes him a while to get accostomed to a new place,  and he was beyond getting spoiled by Grandma now, he'd sit right by her at every meal, instead of me, quite funny,  Grandma just can't resist feeding others especially our furry companions.

Thursday, August 9, 2012


Another hot nights sleep waking to a humid hot morning,  Dad and I keep mentioning going fishing early early in the morning, but I can't seem to climb out of bed til 6:30, but tonight after supper we were going to try and go, looking forward to it.

Weird thing, being 3rd day, i'm taking my regular medication as usual, but I've only had 2 little issues that weren't really even worth worrying about.  One at lunch yesterday, which I should mention I've been eating breakfast, lunch and supper with everyone,  at home I can't seem to eat with anyone else, have to be alone or with Jeanne.

So, much comfort level is way higher,  driving down through the pasture with dad, like the old days bouncing through the fields, I had a little issue, but it went away very quickly.  And that's the first time I've been riding in a vehicle without Jeanne in over 10 years,  didn't bother me a bit, hate to say it, but was even more comfortable,  except the bouncing all over, that's what caused a little blip of anxiety, not used to that, something new and not used to it.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Day 2 : surprising Grandma!

After a chilly nights sleep in sub zero arctic air-conditioning, we awoke after a pleasant 3 hour sleep.  Said good morning to Greg and Jada, felt good, tired but good, was really excited to surprise Grandma.
After a hour or so chatting, we decided it was time for Greg to go up and say good morning and set the surprise wheels in motion.  He was going to make sure Grandma was in her living room furthest from the front of the house, then I'd call on the cell phone after we walked up to the house from Greg's and let Aunt Linda or Greg know we were ready.
The call was made.  We sat on the benches in front of the house you can see from the kitchen windows.  The scheme was, a couple from out of town wanted to stop by and take a look at her barn quilt that was hanging on her garage.  It's one Jeanne and I had painted for her, looks great by the way.

Monday, August 6, 2012

The big trip!

Going to start this off with the day of the big trip to the farm.  Didn't sleep much at all Monday night, too excited and I was a nervous wreck the entire day Tuesday.  Had to constantly keep doing something I was a jitter bug all day.  Busied myself packing the car full of everything I could think of, and cleaning our house so we came home to nice clean place.
Loki knew something was up also, he can read how I feel, he wouldn't let me out of his sight all day long, followed me everywhere, little fella needs his sleep too young yet to not have his naps.  He was going to be GRUMPY,  and he has puppy class tonight!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Two Days To Go

Two more days til we take off on our mini-trip, for me it'll be a challenge, if I continue to think about it. The anticipation and excitement is slowly driving me crazy. Trying not to let fear sneak in, I know I can make it without trouble, but then there is that "will I", that keeps knocking on my door.
So, I keep thinking of ways that I'm going to surprise my Grandmother, who I keep getting excited in the fact that she thinks they are still leaving on thursday to come to see us down here, haven't seen her in 5 months, I miss her. But she's busy getting food ready to bring, she seems to love that, loves to spoil her grandson hehe, and of course I allow it, have to make her happy you know. But, while she keeps busy getting ready to come here, telling me all the food she wants to "bring" instead we'll just be there to enjoy.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Countdown......and lost time.

Not many days away now I'll be hopefully and successfully making the 2 hour journey back to the family homestead without much trouble on the 1st of August. Biggest problem with the anxiety is the excitement. I haven't been there in 10 years, might be a bit longer than that even now. As the excitement builds the energy levels in my body and mostly my brain goes up kicking off some panic occasionally. Probably because of the "what if's" that are in every anxiety worrier.

A couple weeks ago I was supremely confident I could easily make the trip with no trouble, but as the time draws nearer more thoughts go into it, and the fact that I'm actually going. Up til now it was really only a mark on the calendar didn't have to put a lot of thought into it.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Rain? We actually got Rain?

Haven't mowed the lawn since last part of May, we got 2.5 inches of rain and only part of the lawn is showing a hint of green, and here comes the nasty heat again. As good as I was feeling I was really hoping to be able to do more outside, but this horrid heat isn't bearable. Of course I'm not really used to it either, being stuck inside not by choice off and on for so long, hard to adjust to harsher outdoor weather yet.

But I'm trying to keep pushing. Nearly every night after supper we go to the dog park for quite a while, usually until Loki is too hot and tired then we head out, and he just loves the heat, he's grumpier than I am about it. At least I don't bite and nibble others when I'm grumpy about the heat. Not yet anyway.

My "surprise" visit to see my Dad and Grandma is 1/2 thwarted by dad's wife Jada showing him my blogs ooops. I told her she shouldn't of taught him to read, well I thought that was funny, but apparently not all did. But the trip is still planned, and I can definately feel the excitement rising, which of course isn't good on my brain. I start getting a bit jumpier and feel more anxiety. And yes father you saying you aren't real optimistic I'll be able to make it that far really put some thoughts in my brain I didn't need, was 100 percent confident down to 50 now. Thanks!!!

This past week had a couple anxiety issues, once while out in the car, was very uncomfortable, and shopping during same trip wasn't very fun, very jumpy, panicky the entire time not fun, wasn't unbearable, but any anxiety now after 3 months without much at all is a blip on the radar for my healing brain, and worries me that more is too come, and once you or anyone else puts that thought there, takes more effort to get rid of it instead of moving forward from the accomplishments already done.

Second time was even more uncomfortable, was at home, safe and sound, so that bothered more so, nearly felt on the edge of full blown panic attack, was having trouble getting myself distracted enough to hold it in place, took a good two hours for it to pass.

So, we push on, trying to push the bad thoughts of recent out and keep going. So more fishing more driving more of everything I could never do before. And although carp fishing is kinda pointless after the catch, it's sure a blast during it, and no anxiety. I tell you though, what a fight they put up, if you aren't watching close waiting for them to hit, it's nearly too late by the time you catch your pole flying into the water. For the 5th time I nearly lost my fishing poles to the river, when they go they go lol, and once hooked, the fun is on, you get them nearly to shore and into the net, they see you or the net? Hang on, you are in for another wild ride, quite fun, try it.

Started painting a little bit again, and that's when I had a couple episodes of anxiety that were unexpected, and in the past when I have painted the same things have happened. I'm using acrylic, which has little to no fumes, and very little to no known allergy causes by acrylic paint or fumes, so I'm confused as to it's past memory linking having panic with painting? I used to pick up a brush and paint every time I started having anxiety problems and it helped greatly. But I'm sure I associate panic with painting now. Troublesome, I want to paint, but not at the cost of fearing it, stupid I know, is it in my head? Or is it some sort of allergy to it. Most will say it's all in your head, because most that will read that haven't gone through the anxiety or panic from other things and it's easier to say than think about what the underlying issue might be.

Time will tell. I know words of encouragement and acknowledgement of how far you have recovered to normal is far more than optimism and we'll see what happens. Those of you that have suffered or do suffer anxiety need to have the backing and support of those around you cheering the victories and supporting the defeat, don't let doubters get in the way. And only you can prevent forest fires!

Thanks for reading, happy fishing!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Too Hot even for Anxiety!

It's too hot for even anxiety this summer. Getting tired of this heat wave, too hot to do anything outside, and sitting inside trying to keep busy cleaning, chasing the kids around doing whatever I can to stay active driving me nuts. Bad thing is, it's starting to remind me of when I couldn't go outside at all, now it's due to excessive heat, but feeling clausterphobic now.

I seem like at this point I have reached some sort of plateau. Anxiety and panic are basically under control, I have occasional issues but nothing that stays too long. Went shopping in this heat yesterday, and had a little trouble in the stores, was not comfortable at all, which really worried me. Haven't had issues with stores for quite some time, so now it's on my mind, "what changed".

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Nothing but Carp and Heat

Started making plans to make a 2 hour drive on the 1st of August to see my family on the farm, haven't been there in 10 years, that bewilders me. That will be a huge step for me being able to do that. Deciding on best route there, couple options, one is on an interstate that leads to the halfway point which will still be the furthest I've gone anywhere in a car, and also to where there is a hotel that allows dogs for the night in the room.

Which I may need to consider, but interstate driving might be hard for me yet, not sure. The other is more of a backroads, all it's a state road drive, you go through lots of towns, but no overnight options in case I don't handle the drive well.

Friday, July 13, 2012

What's anxiety and panic like?

I keep hearing more and more people, people close to me and those that aren't but I have met that have anxiety, phobias, fear and panic. All sorts of them, some small some large. As complex as agoraphobia to fear of heights and spiders.

All are related. Have you ever tipped over a canoe, boat or anything in the water and were surprised and shocked and you quickly sunk under the water even to the bottom? Pure panic had set in, out of surprise mainly, but you gulped water, sucking for air you flailed to reach the surface, and it seems you sunk so fast that the surface and freedom took forever to get to the top?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Broke My Pole and Missed My Dr Appointment

Found a place to fish, during one of our drives through the countryside in places I've never gone,  there was a small 8 acre or so farm lake, that had a nice stream feeding it, and emptying from across the road into another marshy lake.

Stopped to take a look, and huuuuge carp were rolling all over, gotta give that a try. Carp are nasty fish, but after about 10 years without fishing if I even caught an old boot I'd of been happy as a clam.  So I got my old tackle out. Got some corn out of the freezer and we headed out to the carp grounds.

Was midday, so they weren't that active but still were a few rolling in the mud, and the casting begins. Only took about 4 casts to get a big strike on a nice fish and took a minute or so to horse him to shore, upon which my nice fishing pole decided to snap in half. One small tear was enough as I reached down to pull the 8 pound carp on shore. My first fish in a loooooong time, even if it was a carp. Lot of bites after that but that was it, and Jeanne and Loki said it's time to go home, they were bored.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Can't believe I'm moving forward!

After all these years of suffering, the light at the end was really getting bright.  It's not even been 2 months since my Emergency room visit, and I'm already travelling around in a car mostly fearless. Yeah I have medications I take, but they by no means make you walk around like a zombie, I actually feel normal. But never did I realize I'd be able to so quickly be going places that seemed like they were in a different universe just a few weeks ago.

So, we kept pushing. Every day I make sure to at least go for a ride to town, or some of the back roads around the area. Just to ensure that it wasn't a dream, and to keep expanding my world that just a few weeks ago was very very small, almost completely housebound, now I'm going shopping, getting my driver's license, and talking to actual people in public, oh my.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Big Steps, and new fish?

Taking the psychologists advice, we drove through the Walmart parking lot,  which for me was a long ride in the car, furthest i've gone yet, all the way on the other end of town, which is about 15 minute drive from home.  Yeah for most of you, ya think,  ok so?  Well for me, that was equivalent to a marathon in my brain anyway.  

But the drive went well,  was a bit of jumpiness and a little too much excitement, but not enough to set me back from doing it again.

The next day I was reading through the local classfieds and saw a 55 gallon aquarium for sale with cabinet stand.   OH MY!!  I'd been looking for 15 years off and on for a good deal on a 55 gallon, since we'd given away ours about 15 years ago i've wanted one since then.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Social Anxiety Disorders

Social Anxiety, Social Anxiety Disorder / Social Phobia: Symptoms, Types, Causes, Treatment, and Suppor
Many people get nervous or self-conscious on occasion, like when giving a speech or interviewing for a new job. But social anxiety, or social phobia, is more than just shyness or occasional nerves. With social anxiety disorder, your fear of embarrassing yourself is so intense that you avoid situations that can trigger it. But no matter how painfully shy you may be and no matter how bad the butterflies, you can learn to be comfortable in social situations and reclaim your life.

On to the Psychiatrist !! oh boy

Well, so far so good, blood tests were awesome, health was great, meds the doc gave me are working. Now to see the psychiatrist my general medicine doctor sent me to.

Nervous as all get out as we arrived at the psych office, butterflies jumping all over my stomach, and as most of know probably have gone through, you sit in the office and twiddle your thumbs until they are ready for you. This was no different, a good 30 minutes I paced a busy office waiting, but the time came, but first side visit to check blood pressure and pulse. Agggggaiin lol.

The nurse got busy taking my pressure, and kind of looked up at me strangely, asked if I worked out, or what's the deal, it was 99/65, as nervous as I was I had great blood pressure and pulse were spot on. She said that's the best she'd ever seen come through here. Well gee, aren't I special lol. Anyway, felt pretty proud to say the least, I was here to see my next doctor in stage of fixing my issues, and already felt tons better.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Blood tests back and Searching for new Puppy

Well, the 3 days wait for blood work was horrible, I'm definately a hypochondriac, worry about health issues all the time, thanks mom and dad for passing that on to me, mix that with anxiety and every time you sneeze you think "oh no, what's wrong"?

But the days passed, I called in to get the results, and wow, did I have the right number? The numbers on everything were astoundingly good, and they did every test under the sun, except ONE. Alt's liver enzymes were double what they should be. So, fear anxiety and depression, worry and whatever adjective you want to throw in were in the game now. I just got back a glowing review from blood work, nothing else was wrong except that one test, and if there was something really wrong, the other liver tests they did would of been high also, and the nurse instead of saying "they are double what they should be, you better worry!!!" she could of said, yes it's a concern, but nothing else is high, so just relax, see what the doctor says. But pfft no.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

40 million American adults...

Anxiety disorders affect about 40 million American adults—18% of the population—in a given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Only about one-third of them seek treatment. The disorders run the gamut from panic attacks and specific phobias to obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, a random kind of worry described as free-floating and relentless.

It's time for change

I'd reach so far into hell, I couldn't stand it, alcohol was gonna kill me before anything else would, I was tired of having to feel the need to reach for the bottle just to feel human. For the next week I pondered how to get a whole 3 miles to the hospital for help. 3 miles at this point seemed like it might as well been the moon, and getting there on a kite.

A lot of crying, depression and worry over that week the time had come where I just couldn't handle it, it had to be done now.

After a lot of second guessing on the dreadful day I made my choice to get in the car, the time was there, and we just said LET"S GO NOW! Piled in the car and headed up the road. I tell you, it was an interesting 3 minute and 30 second ride to the Emergency room. Lot of coughing, kicking and screaming like a little kid, scared out of his whits just for a 3 minute ride.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Worse and worse

Winter was breaking now in early 2012, hadn't been easy except very light winter. My anxiety was getting worse and worse, I'd wake up every morning and panic attacks would start for no reason, and they'd last most of the day, everyday. They weren't always real bad, but they'd stay constant on a scale of about 3/10  and go up to about 8/10.

Only way I could sleep is 4 drinks at night at least, and wasn't get a lot of sleep at all. I'd awaken the next day due to probably too much booze the night before and just feel rotten, either from alcohol or anxiety didn't matter they were now mixed together, and the mix was bad.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

We Are Going to Move??

I left off with news of big change in my last post, basically the summer into fall even winter wasn't eventful. Was raising a new puppy, practicing guitar when Niko would let me, and painting a lot.  Was still drinking regularly now, but still under control. And anxiety and panic were staying even.

The car was still a foreign object, but walks and regular work outside were common everyday occurence. Niko and I were walking about a mile a day on our own, and Jeanne and I would also take walks at night.

So we'll move into spring time. Jeanne's sister and her husband who live in Burlington Wisconsin, about 35 minute drive south of Mukwonago where we currently live, well they called with some interesting news and a question. They asked Jeanne and I, and Jeanne's mother if we all wanted to move into a house with them and their 4 children. A home that Richard, Jeanne's brother-in-law had his eye on for a long time came on the market, but they wouldn't do something about it unless we're all interested in moving there.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

New puppy and moving forward

After Simba passed the first week of course was just miserable, after 12 years with my friend that was horrible, and he helped me so much with anxiety I knew I needed to find a new friend. Jeanne and I really only want huskies. That's what we love. But wow, they aren't cheap, and I'm not begging for 500 or more bucks from anyone for a dog, even though I really wanted to, had to be another option.

Rescue dogs i'm sure was an option, but I want a puppy one that I can start from scratch you know? Yes, beggers can't be choosers, especially in a time of need, you take what you get right? Well I reached out to any resource I could find in my area of the world, and the call was answered by a long time family friend Benny and Alice Stamm.

My Grandma Eva had come through again, she placed a call to the Stamm's as they have had Alaskan Husky iditarod dogs and ran them in the Alaskan Iditarod for a few years. And they happened to just have one 8 week old puppy, at the grand cost of one quilt my Grandma had made. Even though they didn't ask for anything. I wanted that pup so bad right now, didn't care if it had 2 heads and eyes on his butt.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Learning Guitar

Was a good time for my new hobby and a new guitar, winter was setting in, and as I mentioned before winters are very hard on me, stuck inside mostly where I was for so long with no choice, now seemed the same. So, having something else to occupy my time besides shovelling snow, I had the guitar, and slowly got better. I'm still not that great, but not horrible, quite fun and takes the edge off of anxiety some times.

But I started to associate playing guitar with anxiety and panic a little also. Which happens with anxiety, you start to associate "what if's" with everyday life. That's what happened to me with the car, "what if I'm driving and have problems again". So, you stay out of the car. Then you have an issue out walking somewhere, so avoid walking that far. Get the picture? Soon you are stuck inside where ever you can find a safe place that isn't triggering anxiety. For me it got so bad at some points, there wasn't a safe place on this earth that didn't cause me problems.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Pushing Harder

After about 5 years without having a drink of alcohol. I wanted one, and it helped my anxiety!!! Yeah right, after a couple drinks it did, but even just one or 2 the day anxiety blossomed mightily.  Mornings were very hard to get through, wasn't even hungover, booze just kicks in bad things when you are suffering with anxiety. But it did help get sleep, and actually do something at night besides fret about the next panic attack.

But, it was survivable enough to get some sleep, verus the 2 hours a night, I was getting 6 or so. I was actually able to get outside again more and more, started doing more lawn work, and one night, I said the hell with it, I'm going for a walk with my dog Simba, and I walked, was maybe a half mile, but I felt like I had walked forever, ended up making that same walk probably 20 times that night, I felt like a huge load had been lifted off me and could see the light.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Ambulance Ride

After a 20 minute ambulance ride, we arrived at the hospital. When I stepped out of the back, they had a wheelchair sitting there. Wow was I really this bad? Even after about a year of this really horrible suffering, I still was having a hard time realizing that this was happening to me, denial?  embarrassment? What was anxiety and panic, I didn't know these things even existed, I'm a man, men don't have issues they don't overcome with pure manly thoughts right? ummm apparently not.

Why hadn't I gotten help prior to this? Figured it was like a cold it would go away. Never dreamed it would consume my life and those around me like it had, or ruin my growing real estate business like it was, and forcing me into a life I didn't know could exist. Year after year went by and that thought of I'd just wake up one day and I'd be better was still there. And the deeper it's claws dug into me.

Anyway, back to the hospital, I didn't use the wheelchair like they wanted, because? Once I got out of the ambulance I felt absolutely fine, like anxiety didn't exist in my world, maybe because I was in a very safe place I guess. I was weak and tired from a long time of poor diet and little water. But I was getting help, so I thought.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Let's begin where it all started

Let's begin where it started.  About 10 years ago give or take, as a successful realtor, I was on my daily drive to the office. Suddenly I had for the first time in my life a horrible dizzy spell that made me feel as if I was floating out of the car. I had lost so I thought complete control of everything, it only lasted about 10 seconds, was able to keep control of the car and keep going no accident.
But the damage to me mentally was very severe, little did I know how bad it would get in the months and years to come.

I was sweating terribly, white as a ghost when I arrived at the office, could barely make it to my desk and sit down. Shaking was gone for now, pulse rate coming down, but the thought of getting back in that car sent shivers down my spine. What happened and why were they creeping into my thoughts. 

I only lasted a hour or so in the office until I had my fiance Jeanne drive me home, just getting in that car again was very very frightening. But we made it home without a problem, but now the brain was working over and over, what could of caused this, and of course I had little faith or just plain ignorance in going to a doctor right away, and didn't have insurance at the time.

So, I'll just sit at home for a bit, well that didn't help. My real estate business immediately suffered, and my fears of that car which I had to rely on for selling sat in the driveway and me basically in a cave, worrying.