Saturday, July 7, 2012

Can't believe I'm moving forward!

After all these years of suffering, the light at the end was really getting bright.  It's not even been 2 months since my Emergency room visit, and I'm already travelling around in a car mostly fearless. Yeah I have medications I take, but they by no means make you walk around like a zombie, I actually feel normal. But never did I realize I'd be able to so quickly be going places that seemed like they were in a different universe just a few weeks ago.

So, we kept pushing. Every day I make sure to at least go for a ride to town, or some of the back roads around the area. Just to ensure that it wasn't a dream, and to keep expanding my world that just a few weeks ago was very very small, almost completely housebound, now I'm going shopping, getting my driver's license, and talking to actual people in public, oh my.

Well, psychologist day, drive was easy, of course it's only a 3 minute trip, but this time in waiting room, was calm and easy, and the meeting with the doctor was calm as well. For some a psychologist might be the answer, for me, I'm having 2nd and 3rd guesses at this point. After 10 years of this crap, I've read or listened to basically every self-help there is for anxiety, and she's just going down the line with the same stuff. Our first visit was just a get to know you, 2nd visit was helpful on what I should try to do, meaning go drive by the places I want to go, to make it comfortable.

This was stuff I knew, but hearing it from a professional helped, I guess. But now, I'm going way above and beyond what's she's recommending. Now, the Doc isn't there to be my savior, but I'm kind of frustrated with really not much information, guess I'm not sure what I was expecting. It's cognative behavior therapy is what she's trying to do, meaning exposing yourself to your fears and overcoming them with techniques and exposure basically.

Well, I was basically running this meeting this time, spend the 45 minutes basically outlining what I've been doing, and leaving her really with nothing to say, except talk to Jeanne about quilting and listening to mp3 audio books, which she has done in all 3 meetings now for at least 15 minutes each time. Not sure how that was helping my anxiety but whatever.

Next weeks psychologist appointment I cancelled, guess I'll call her when I need her, can't see spending more money on what I'm doing already, don't see the point on having someone tell me what I'm already accomplishing.

After 10 years, what I missed most, was fishing. Still have all my equipment, why not get a fishing license and go soak a line. So we did. Didn't catch a damn thing. BUT I went, and just being able to do that again? Ufda what a feeling. Just sucks that where we are all the lakes are so built up with homes you can't get to the water anywhere unless you are on a boat. That's more than I'm ready to handle right now, but in very near future I shall attempt that no doubt in my mind.

In the mean time, spending a lot of time going to store after store, just getting myself comfortable with everything I can handle and more. Pushing the limits every chance I get. I'm now at the point I'm stir crazy sitting around home or outside, feel like I'm really stuck, I feel mostly good, little anxiety here and there, but that'll go away eventually and it doesn't stick around long. But further I push my boundaries the harder it's going to be for anxiety to push me back home again. Everyday I want to just go go go.

However. For past 2 weeks it seems it's been a hundred freaking degrees, going anywhere sucks.  And I've been kind of stuck indoors with this oppressive heat wave, and I'm feeling it, I get the feeling of being stuck indoors a little. Sad reminders of how much of last 10 years I've spent stuck there. Need to get out soon. We're still going for rides and stores, but not as much, this heat is horrible. Just thankful I'm not farming, lot of memories growing up on the farm and dealing with this heat.

In a couple days gotta go see the Psychiatrist, I'm guessing meeting won't be long, medications are working fine and that's really all he does for me, but I love the guy now lol. He's helped a lot. So for now I'm still looking for a place to fish, and we start puppy training school which will test my nerves I'd guess, so that'll be good for me. Will keep you posted on that. We travel to Petco for the training,  hope it goes well.

That's it for today.