Monday, July 30, 2012

Two Days To Go

Two more days til we take off on our mini-trip, for me it'll be a challenge, if I continue to think about it. The anticipation and excitement is slowly driving me crazy. Trying not to let fear sneak in, I know I can make it without trouble, but then there is that "will I", that keeps knocking on my door.
So, I keep thinking of ways that I'm going to surprise my Grandmother, who I keep getting excited in the fact that she thinks they are still leaving on thursday to come to see us down here, haven't seen her in 5 months, I miss her. But she's busy getting food ready to bring, she seems to love that, loves to spoil her grandson hehe, and of course I allow it, have to make her happy you know. But, while she keeps busy getting ready to come here, telling me all the food she wants to "bring" instead we'll just be there to enjoy.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Countdown......and lost time.

Not many days away now I'll be hopefully and successfully making the 2 hour journey back to the family homestead without much trouble on the 1st of August. Biggest problem with the anxiety is the excitement. I haven't been there in 10 years, might be a bit longer than that even now. As the excitement builds the energy levels in my body and mostly my brain goes up kicking off some panic occasionally. Probably because of the "what if's" that are in every anxiety worrier.

A couple weeks ago I was supremely confident I could easily make the trip with no trouble, but as the time draws nearer more thoughts go into it, and the fact that I'm actually going. Up til now it was really only a mark on the calendar didn't have to put a lot of thought into it.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Rain? We actually got Rain?

Haven't mowed the lawn since last part of May, we got 2.5 inches of rain and only part of the lawn is showing a hint of green, and here comes the nasty heat again. As good as I was feeling I was really hoping to be able to do more outside, but this horrid heat isn't bearable. Of course I'm not really used to it either, being stuck inside not by choice off and on for so long, hard to adjust to harsher outdoor weather yet.

But I'm trying to keep pushing. Nearly every night after supper we go to the dog park for quite a while, usually until Loki is too hot and tired then we head out, and he just loves the heat, he's grumpier than I am about it. At least I don't bite and nibble others when I'm grumpy about the heat. Not yet anyway.

My "surprise" visit to see my Dad and Grandma is 1/2 thwarted by dad's wife Jada showing him my blogs ooops. I told her she shouldn't of taught him to read, well I thought that was funny, but apparently not all did. But the trip is still planned, and I can definately feel the excitement rising, which of course isn't good on my brain. I start getting a bit jumpier and feel more anxiety. And yes father you saying you aren't real optimistic I'll be able to make it that far really put some thoughts in my brain I didn't need, was 100 percent confident down to 50 now. Thanks!!!

This past week had a couple anxiety issues, once while out in the car, was very uncomfortable, and shopping during same trip wasn't very fun, very jumpy, panicky the entire time not fun, wasn't unbearable, but any anxiety now after 3 months without much at all is a blip on the radar for my healing brain, and worries me that more is too come, and once you or anyone else puts that thought there, takes more effort to get rid of it instead of moving forward from the accomplishments already done.

Second time was even more uncomfortable, was at home, safe and sound, so that bothered more so, nearly felt on the edge of full blown panic attack, was having trouble getting myself distracted enough to hold it in place, took a good two hours for it to pass.

So, we push on, trying to push the bad thoughts of recent out and keep going. So more fishing more driving more of everything I could never do before. And although carp fishing is kinda pointless after the catch, it's sure a blast during it, and no anxiety. I tell you though, what a fight they put up, if you aren't watching close waiting for them to hit, it's nearly too late by the time you catch your pole flying into the water. For the 5th time I nearly lost my fishing poles to the river, when they go they go lol, and once hooked, the fun is on, you get them nearly to shore and into the net, they see you or the net? Hang on, you are in for another wild ride, quite fun, try it.

Started painting a little bit again, and that's when I had a couple episodes of anxiety that were unexpected, and in the past when I have painted the same things have happened. I'm using acrylic, which has little to no fumes, and very little to no known allergy causes by acrylic paint or fumes, so I'm confused as to it's past memory linking having panic with painting? I used to pick up a brush and paint every time I started having anxiety problems and it helped greatly. But I'm sure I associate panic with painting now. Troublesome, I want to paint, but not at the cost of fearing it, stupid I know, is it in my head? Or is it some sort of allergy to it. Most will say it's all in your head, because most that will read that haven't gone through the anxiety or panic from other things and it's easier to say than think about what the underlying issue might be.

Time will tell. I know words of encouragement and acknowledgement of how far you have recovered to normal is far more than optimism and we'll see what happens. Those of you that have suffered or do suffer anxiety need to have the backing and support of those around you cheering the victories and supporting the defeat, don't let doubters get in the way. And only you can prevent forest fires!

Thanks for reading, happy fishing!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Too Hot even for Anxiety!

It's too hot for even anxiety this summer. Getting tired of this heat wave, too hot to do anything outside, and sitting inside trying to keep busy cleaning, chasing the kids around doing whatever I can to stay active driving me nuts. Bad thing is, it's starting to remind me of when I couldn't go outside at all, now it's due to excessive heat, but feeling clausterphobic now.

I seem like at this point I have reached some sort of plateau. Anxiety and panic are basically under control, I have occasional issues but nothing that stays too long. Went shopping in this heat yesterday, and had a little trouble in the stores, was not comfortable at all, which really worried me. Haven't had issues with stores for quite some time, so now it's on my mind, "what changed".

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Nothing but Carp and Heat

Started making plans to make a 2 hour drive on the 1st of August to see my family on the farm, haven't been there in 10 years, that bewilders me. That will be a huge step for me being able to do that. Deciding on best route there, couple options, one is on an interstate that leads to the halfway point which will still be the furthest I've gone anywhere in a car, and also to where there is a hotel that allows dogs for the night in the room.

Which I may need to consider, but interstate driving might be hard for me yet, not sure. The other is more of a backroads, all it's a state road drive, you go through lots of towns, but no overnight options in case I don't handle the drive well.

Friday, July 13, 2012

What's anxiety and panic like?

I keep hearing more and more people, people close to me and those that aren't but I have met that have anxiety, phobias, fear and panic. All sorts of them, some small some large. As complex as agoraphobia to fear of heights and spiders.

All are related. Have you ever tipped over a canoe, boat or anything in the water and were surprised and shocked and you quickly sunk under the water even to the bottom? Pure panic had set in, out of surprise mainly, but you gulped water, sucking for air you flailed to reach the surface, and it seems you sunk so fast that the surface and freedom took forever to get to the top?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Broke My Pole and Missed My Dr Appointment

Found a place to fish, during one of our drives through the countryside in places I've never gone,  there was a small 8 acre or so farm lake, that had a nice stream feeding it, and emptying from across the road into another marshy lake.

Stopped to take a look, and huuuuge carp were rolling all over, gotta give that a try. Carp are nasty fish, but after about 10 years without fishing if I even caught an old boot I'd of been happy as a clam.  So I got my old tackle out. Got some corn out of the freezer and we headed out to the carp grounds.

Was midday, so they weren't that active but still were a few rolling in the mud, and the casting begins. Only took about 4 casts to get a big strike on a nice fish and took a minute or so to horse him to shore, upon which my nice fishing pole decided to snap in half. One small tear was enough as I reached down to pull the 8 pound carp on shore. My first fish in a loooooong time, even if it was a carp. Lot of bites after that but that was it, and Jeanne and Loki said it's time to go home, they were bored.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Can't believe I'm moving forward!

After all these years of suffering, the light at the end was really getting bright.  It's not even been 2 months since my Emergency room visit, and I'm already travelling around in a car mostly fearless. Yeah I have medications I take, but they by no means make you walk around like a zombie, I actually feel normal. But never did I realize I'd be able to so quickly be going places that seemed like they were in a different universe just a few weeks ago.

So, we kept pushing. Every day I make sure to at least go for a ride to town, or some of the back roads around the area. Just to ensure that it wasn't a dream, and to keep expanding my world that just a few weeks ago was very very small, almost completely housebound, now I'm going shopping, getting my driver's license, and talking to actual people in public, oh my.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Big Steps, and new fish?

Taking the psychologists advice, we drove through the Walmart parking lot,  which for me was a long ride in the car, furthest i've gone yet, all the way on the other end of town, which is about 15 minute drive from home.  Yeah for most of you, ya think,  ok so?  Well for me, that was equivalent to a marathon in my brain anyway.  

But the drive went well,  was a bit of jumpiness and a little too much excitement, but not enough to set me back from doing it again.

The next day I was reading through the local classfieds and saw a 55 gallon aquarium for sale with cabinet stand.   OH MY!!  I'd been looking for 15 years off and on for a good deal on a 55 gallon, since we'd given away ours about 15 years ago i've wanted one since then.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Social Anxiety Disorders

Social Anxiety, Social Anxiety Disorder / Social Phobia: Symptoms, Types, Causes, Treatment, and Suppor
Many people get nervous or self-conscious on occasion, like when giving a speech or interviewing for a new job. But social anxiety, or social phobia, is more than just shyness or occasional nerves. With social anxiety disorder, your fear of embarrassing yourself is so intense that you avoid situations that can trigger it. But no matter how painfully shy you may be and no matter how bad the butterflies, you can learn to be comfortable in social situations and reclaim your life.

On to the Psychiatrist !! oh boy

Well, so far so good, blood tests were awesome, health was great, meds the doc gave me are working. Now to see the psychiatrist my general medicine doctor sent me to.

Nervous as all get out as we arrived at the psych office, butterflies jumping all over my stomach, and as most of know probably have gone through, you sit in the office and twiddle your thumbs until they are ready for you. This was no different, a good 30 minutes I paced a busy office waiting, but the time came, but first side visit to check blood pressure and pulse. Agggggaiin lol.

The nurse got busy taking my pressure, and kind of looked up at me strangely, asked if I worked out, or what's the deal, it was 99/65, as nervous as I was I had great blood pressure and pulse were spot on. She said that's the best she'd ever seen come through here. Well gee, aren't I special lol. Anyway, felt pretty proud to say the least, I was here to see my next doctor in stage of fixing my issues, and already felt tons better.