Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Worse and worse

Winter was breaking now in early 2012, hadn't been easy except very light winter. My anxiety was getting worse and worse, I'd wake up every morning and panic attacks would start for no reason, and they'd last most of the day, everyday. They weren't always real bad, but they'd stay constant on a scale of about 3/10  and go up to about 8/10.

Only way I could sleep is 4 drinks at night at least, and wasn't get a lot of sleep at all. I'd awaken the next day due to probably too much booze the night before and just feel rotten, either from alcohol or anxiety didn't matter they were now mixed together, and the mix was bad.

Starting about mid-February, panic attacks were starting to get unbearable, reaching 10/10 severity on many occasions, getting to the point being alone at ALL was getting really hard again. So I'd drink more. Since December til March consumption was going up to the point I was very worried about my liver, was getting pains in my right side, was drinking a big bottle of Vodka every 4-5 days.

Great right? NO. More I drank the worse I'd get. I'd awaken in the middle of the night shaken so bad with panic I'd have another drink, wake up, barely make it to the kitchen with panic pushing me further further into smaller areas. Was having horrible time drinking or eating anything again. If you read my earlier posts, that happened before, when I lost about 80 lbs in 6 months, that weighed on my mind heavily.

It got so bad, I'd go outside in my bare feet and walk on the rocks we have outside between the garage and the house, through the snow til my feet hurt so bad I couldn't stand it, but it was distracting me enough to stop the horrible panic I was having. I'd stand and walk through the snow bare feet just to relieve some of the anxiety.

I'd come inside shaking and freezing, then suddenly feel dizzy and faint, heart pounding, world crashing down on me, I'd rush outside again. This went on for a month, for a good 4 hours EVERY MORNING. It got so bad, I'd do this as soon as I awoke. Then I'd have a drink, then another at lunch, then more at supper. I was slowly killing myself with booze and I knew it had to stop. But I can't get back in a car can I???? I was terrified.

Every drink I took I felt horrible, I didn't want it, the taste horrified me, every sip I knew I was slipping further and further away. But the panic was just so horrible and only getting worse, I'd be bent over stomping around the house, coughing, fists clenched, every muscle in my body was a spring ready to pop. I'd sit in the shower and turn the cold water on and shiver, run outside again, (no not naked), I'd pound on the bed, punch the steel door, I couldn't take it, I know anxiety and panic won't make you crazy, but you couldn't tell me that now, no way.

It was reaching a breaking point, I'd hit bottom, you honestly can't go any lower than I felt, anxiety had consumed me from sun up to sundown now. There was no peace but about 2 hours at night in the bottom of a bottle. I was ready for an ambulance, I wouldn't commit suicide, it was in my every thought daily, constant ways in which I could do it, but I was already doing that drinking this much. But either way I could never kill myself. I was going to beat this anxiety one way or another.

At this point, it had to be soon, or would be nothing left to save, heck it's only been 10 years. Seen my family about 5 times since then. Couldn't see my Grandpa Bob when he was ill and before he died, of course couldn't go to the funeral. I called him while he laid in the hospital just hours before he passed. Never felt so low in my life. Of course I drank myself to sleep. This has got to stop.

Tomorrow, any which way I can, I'm going to the Emergency Room, I can't handle this ANY MORE. This crap for the 2nd time will have caused me to go by ambulance or to the Emergency Room, and it WILL be the last time. I'm going to get help. This is no way to live, being scared of every shadow, every feeling you have that seems odd in your body, the thought of a feeling, the idea of eating or drinking anything. Or just going to bed. There is help. It's time to find it.

Next post, it happens. The light is at the end of the tunnel, but also that tunnel has roadblocks.