Thursday, September 27, 2012

Coyotes are calling!

About a week since my last post, just haven't felt like writing, and that's not good for keeping my readers happy.  Sorry about that.  Felt fine, just been running around doing crap.  So, the trail camera I bought,  wasn't happy at first, but a lot was user error.  Too high placement, too low, tinker with settings.  One hint is don't put it on too small a tree, every breeze that blows you get 30 pictures, you get a big windy day you'll fill the camera up with 600 pictures of the wind blowing.  Been there, done that.

About 3 feet off the ground and sturdy attachment will get you what you want.  Which in my case after a week of tinkering was one morning dove flying by lol.  But, besides my interest in critters of all types, I'm using this as another thing for me to do to push myself and make myself walk further alone, and with Loki away from the house.  At first I kept moving the camera a little further away, but now I have a great spot about 300 yards or so from the house on a fence line.  I shouldn't be checking it everyday, due to getting my scent in the area too often.  But I look forward to the exercise and the unknowing what might of been captured.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Not ready to solo yet!

Been trying to push myself in different ways.  I stay on my regular medications which is supposed to just keep a certain level in your system, and it's the kind that doesn't impair you in any way.  And use a little less or none of my other meds that can be addicting, and do cause a bit of inpairment, not really noticable unless you take full dose, which is only 1 milligram, but it's kind of like having a couple drinks.  You feel relaxed.  But even in times of severe panic those pills only cut the suffering a bit.  They do work now when I have an attack, but I think at some point they are a bit of placebo.

Anyway, going for rides with Jeanne, if I know we aren't planning on long trips or store visits, I try to go without my relaxant meds.  Many times I take the bottle of meds with me in case, and that really is the placebo effect, sometimes I'm fine just a little jumpy.  And when I leave it at home, I tend to think about it, therefore more jumpy, so I'm trying to push myself to not NEED those meds, but right now since it's been 7 months already, but really not long compared to the nearly 11 years of going through the anxiety,  I'll be on all the meds a while longer consistently.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Brain damage? Nah it's all in your mind!

Since there is over 20 million americans alone who suffer from one or another ailment of anxiety, that's just in the United States,  millions more world wide, it can't be brain damage causing the anxiety, least not all of us.  So, when you hear "it's all in your mind, get over it", don't let it bother you.  Because they are right.  To a point.  It is all in your mind, but it's not like a fear of heights, snakes, spiders, whatever phobia ails many people.  It's just not the same, sorry.

With severe anxiety disorders, such as I have, more so "had", there is a pathway in your brain that has been somewhat, some way altered.  Basically meaning the previous daily routine now becomes difficult.  When you come to the daily routine, the pathway in your head that's been damaged in a manner,  what used to be second nature to achieve, now has this road block.  And it is physically there in your brain, it's not imagined, the pathways have actually changed. That's what cause severe anxiety.  You have to actually form a new pathway, by basically relearning what used to come natural to you, and bypass the old block in the path.

So, when you hit that block, you now start to worry. "oh no, yesterday I had a panic attack when I was going to walk the dog, I better not do that today."  And that leads to no longer doing that particular thing.  Then you are working in the garden, have a panic attack for whatever reason,  guess what,  new block in a pathway.  And that according to the doctors is truly there and happening.  Your brain regenerates the pathways, but you have to form them also, you learn constantly.  With helps from medication making it easier to rebuild your path, you will get less blocks.

It's not like a fear of spiders, where if you constantly subjected yourself handling them until your fear was gone, which may work not sure, I hate spiders, where as anxiety the fear isn't really seen, it's felt, and you'd think you would be able to control your own body, since the brain is part of it, but it's a miraculous thing that brain, some smaller than others :)  but with blocked pathways built up, especially in myself having built up a lot of road construction upstairs over 10 long years,  it's basically like learning to walk all over again.

So, yep it's all in your head, they are right, but those that don't believe in panic and anxiety, aren't informed completely on what is truly the whole story.  So, next time you hear, it's all in your head, get over it,  agree with them, and maybe educate them a little on the part they missed.

Moving on.  I've been bad about keeping up with my posts lately, as winter approaches i've been trying to push myself doing different things than normal, since i'll be locked up inside i'm sure more when it's cold out.  Therefore i've lost a lot of interest in my posts, sadly.  Was really enjoying seeing nearly a hundred people a day viewing the blog and growing, it's really dropped off, my fault I know.

News on the homefront.  Went to the dogpark nearly at dark last night, didn't take any medication yesterday, well took my regular ones, but not the "relaxant" ones that i'm supposed to take morning and night,  but I wanted to challenge myself to ride to the park, and do it without "help".  And I was pretty darn jumpy, but survived it ok, no damaged pathways.  Soon as I got home, I looked at the med bottle put one in my hand, and then put it right back in the bottle.  Lifted weights for 15 minutes and painted for a half hour instead.  Screw you anxiety.

I'll be trying that again without meds, i'll take them with.  Sometimes just having the miracle medication around, is like a kid with a blanket, makes you feel safe.  But that's why I wanted to go without. You take the meds long enough they start becoming habit, you "need" them.  Just like alcohol becomes a habit or smoking or whatever.  So, I need to be able to do this without relying solely on the meds or face addiction, habit, or a blanket that I need for comfort always.  I survived it without a full blown attack, so I don't "need" them that much anymore.  But do need to keep myself going for a while yet, I'm ready to walk, just not quite ready to run apparently.

Let's see,  Loki's allergy issues or whatever it really is,  finally seems to be healing up, so soon it'll be time to call the Vet and get his nuts wherever they are chopped.   I'm not looking forward to it, he don't know it's coming, but I guarantee if he did, he'd not look forward to it either.  I'm sure a lot more than I.  But, they haven't dropped after 7 months, they aren't going to.

Bought one of those trail cameras, trying to figure it out, seems straight forward but sure not getting much at night, supposed to have 55 to 60 foot infrared range, which is very good distance for these cameras and 8 megapixels, also very good.  But night time range i've tested isn't getting more than about 10 feet.  Anyway, trying to get pictures of the damn coyotes that keep invading us, and it gives me something new and different to do.

We'll see what happens. 



Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Family visit and back to same old same old

Well, finally got rid of the family that was down to visit *JUST KIDDING*.  Always great to see them, and keeps me wanting more time with them.  Paid back Grandma for the weight I put on when I was over to them last,  Had to laugh when she weighed herself in the bathroom, "FOUR POUNDS!" I put on 4 lbs since we were here.  Hehe.    And she also mentioned she found the pine cone I stuffed in her shoe about a week after we had left Argyle.  Somehow I got blamed for it.  *shrug* dunno why.

Love that lady.  But it did seem like we didn't stop eating or munching the entire time we were together.  Best food from our family I tell ya. Heck with Paula Dean lol.   OH, that's right, wonderful family heh, I knew about time they would be here on Monday, so Loki and I walked towards town about 1/2 mile to "meet them" more or less, I figured they'd drive by and leave us stranded, which they did,  Greg leaning out the window asking which way to Burlington as they laughed and whooshed by me trotting behind with Loki in tail lol.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Packers, what is wrong with you!

Bad weekend for Wisconsin football geez.  We need a new defensive coordinator, time to say goodbye to Capers and promote Kevin Greene the linebackers coach,  and order a new pair of hands for Finley, "elite" tight end my butt.   And Badgers? wow you guys didn't look worth a crap, enough said.   We need a running game all the way around in Wisconsin apparently.

Anyway.  Waiting on the family to arrive, should be about a hour now, and last night the excitement of seeing them again had me a tad on the edge, couldn't sleep worth a crap, so i'm dead dog tired.   Speaking of dead dog,  coyotes keep picking away at Niko's grave site, and it's REALLY starting to piss me off.  All I have for weoponry is my longbow and a few arrows, have my 2 pistols from my law enforcement days but no ammo, need a long rifle to deal with the issue.  But before getting doctor help, I honestly didn't trust myself with any weopons around as bad as I was feeling with my anxiety.

But now, any thoughts like that are long gone.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

What's new in the world of anxiety?

Heck not a lot hehe.  Feeling good, my last post left me with feeling really uncomfortable in a store, and that night I went back and we went to 3 stores and a nice run in the dog park just to piss off anxiety and let it know who's in charge.  Felt good, great really.  Got a bunch of food, munchies mainly for my families visit tomorrow.

Bunch of cheese, even bought some Limburger, gee whiz that stuff stinks, you get passed the smell?  You know what that stuff is pretty darn tasty, can't believe I actually tried it,  Grandpa Bob loved the stuff, I do see why now, but man it stinks like a pair of gym socks stuck away in a corner of a locker for a couple months.  But tasty all the same, not that I've tried gym socks but the cheese is good.  And of course had to buy my swiss cheese, love it love it, must be cuz I'm swiss who knows.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Family coming to Visit!

Hunting season starts soon, so, that means Greg aka Dad, won't be seen much for about 2 months, SO, Grandma, Dad, and Aunt Linda going to come down and stay for the night.  Always good to see them, lifts my spirits up.  And they can see all the changes we did to our places with the new paint, and a few added items.  And of course Grandma can't come without bringing have the grocery store with her geez.  Can't even remember everything she's bringing,  but I did here 2 racks of RIBS!! After that the rest was kind of lost hehe.

So, that'll be fun, they are coming on Monday.  This past week, we took Loki into the vet again, his ears and nose, and his right eyelid still having a lot of redness, some swelling, and lots and lots of itching.  This time the vet gaves us some cream to put on it, and within 2 days he's already looking like he's almost back to normal.  We still don't know what in the heck it is,  we're all guessing allergies the way it looked.  But did the allergies go away with the rain or did the medications and lotion work.  pfft don't know.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Helping others?

A while ago I finally got a new police scanner, hadn't had one for about 12 years, and I really missed having one.  Being an ex-police officer, I missed the feeling of being involved, or heck, just being nosy I guess.  But hearing the chatter brings me back to the old days, even though I wasn't a cop for maybe 5 years total.  Sadly I could of retired by now if I stuck with it lol, started way too young at 19 years old,  but I loved it.

Grew up around Tom and Jim Erb, and John Strause,  which I had to pleasure to work with in official capacity, so it seemed like it was just natural for me to do it.  Unfortunately at 7.20 a hour being a cop didn't appeal too long to me, without a college degree to go along with it, apparently I was going to be stuck in a real low wage career that just isn't worth the risks you take at that kind of money.

But, still miss it, hence the police scanner, keeps me in touch.  But, the more I listen to it, the more and more you hear ambulance calls for people suffering panic attacks.  Now, when my issues started, I really had to search on the internet for anxiety and panic issues.  They were the closet medical issues, ones you didn't hear or talk about.  It's "mental" so they must be nuts or going crazy.  Well, heh, that's not the case.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Happy Labor Day!

Still falling behind on my darn posts, been trying to keep busy busy busy..... And it works, been feeling wonderful, trying not to spend so much time in the stores, yet staying active and trying newer things, which I haven't found much new to do yet.

And yep still trying to finish painting, should be done today,  it got so hot out again, couldn't have the windows open to air it out, but just a bit left in the kitchen then finished!  Does look great, and I love change, the new colors aren't really my cup of tea, but gotta make Jeanne happy.  Looks a little too pink to me in the living room and kitchen, but it's a warmer feeling, calming, so I guess it'll work.   Bedroom and the bathroom kind of off yellow with a couple walls a brownish, once again not my color, but huge difference from before and looks nice.