Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Not ready to solo yet!

Been trying to push myself in different ways.  I stay on my regular medications which is supposed to just keep a certain level in your system, and it's the kind that doesn't impair you in any way.  And use a little less or none of my other meds that can be addicting, and do cause a bit of inpairment, not really noticable unless you take full dose, which is only 1 milligram, but it's kind of like having a couple drinks.  You feel relaxed.  But even in times of severe panic those pills only cut the suffering a bit.  They do work now when I have an attack, but I think at some point they are a bit of placebo.

Anyway, going for rides with Jeanne, if I know we aren't planning on long trips or store visits, I try to go without my relaxant meds.  Many times I take the bottle of meds with me in case, and that really is the placebo effect, sometimes I'm fine just a little jumpy.  And when I leave it at home, I tend to think about it, therefore more jumpy, so I'm trying to push myself to not NEED those meds, but right now since it's been 7 months already, but really not long compared to the nearly 11 years of going through the anxiety,  I'll be on all the meds a while longer consistently.

But i'm getting closer. Needing way less than I did even a month ago.  I'm 10 pills ahead for the month, meaning I have 10 left over from the prescription of 30 for a month,  last month I was 6 ahead.  So, if I go on that route i'll hopefully be down to very little soon, at least by march of next year.

The thing is maybe i'm putting the cart before the horse on a few things.  maybe stretching my limits on meds and doing other things at the same time isn't going to fly.  I went in the store myself tonight, just for ice cream, gotta have my malted milk shakes, love em.  That's just a quick run into Sentry with Jeanne and Loki in the car.  Well of course, 7pm the place is packed, got the ice cream all is fine, until I had to sit and wait in line, started to sweat badly, then the shaking started, then was getting dizzy, was ready to run out, but I needed my malted milk fix for the night, so I endured.

But, I know it's a mistake, I need to take my meds like a good boy, then do those things on my own, keep my self a bit calmer with help.  But only way i'm going to get back to a normal life, even though i'm damn close, at least how I feel on a daily basis, but being able to be self sufficient without basically having to have a baby sitter more or less with me when I go places.  Even when I walk back in the field with Loki, I make sure I bring a phone.  I'm pushing further and further out with Loki and I walking, but that security blanked is something I wish I didn't need.  Feel like i'm a little kid without mommy by my side.  Tiring for all.  And frightening as hell to go through, like I was saying in my last post, relearning and fixing pathways in my brain.  I'm learning to walk all over again, it sucks,  just hope I don't go through puberty again on this path!!

The other day we had to take Jeanne's dad home to Mukwonago, about 30 minute drive, and my pills take about a hour to take effect, well we left before I took any meds, so yeah, we'd basically be home before they did any good.  And I did get pretty jumpy about the time we pulled into Mukwonago, went inside his apartment for awhile and I was fine then,  even stopped in the Walmart there and picked up a few items and was basically fine.  So, it's getting there, but no way could I solo any of this yet.

Anyway, back on the homefront, we set up Loki's "nut" removal surgery for October 2nd, a Tuesday, he'll be there all day and can't pick him up until the next morning, god willing everything goes ok, since they have to search for his nuts since they haven't dropped, they could be anywhere, but probably still in his stomach.   So, that's got me very nervous, and have been a little nervous for some time, and not having him the whole day and night, going to be rough on me.  And you never know, they'll probably have to open him up all into his stomach, anything could happen, i'm sure it'll be fine, he's a strong healthy pup.

But worried daddy I shall be that day and night, and already know a full dose of meds will most likely be the order of the day sadly, and a lot of pacing.  They won't let me stay and sleep with him either ,  Yeah I asked.  Going to be hard being away from my boy for the first time.  SO, hoping for his safe return, it'll be two weeks with him being a conehead, micro chipped and ready to go.

I do notice when the kids get home, my stress level sure shoots up, they don't listen, smart kids, but they are driving me nuttttsss.  You'd think after being told 425 times they'd pick up the stuff they leave out, maybe 426 is the magic number?

Anywho,  all for now, cya soon.