Wednesday, June 20, 2012

It's time for change

I'd reach so far into hell, I couldn't stand it, alcohol was gonna kill me before anything else would, I was tired of having to feel the need to reach for the bottle just to feel human. For the next week I pondered how to get a whole 3 miles to the hospital for help. 3 miles at this point seemed like it might as well been the moon, and getting there on a kite.

A lot of crying, depression and worry over that week the time had come where I just couldn't handle it, it had to be done now.

After a lot of second guessing on the dreadful day I made my choice to get in the car, the time was there, and we just said LET"S GO NOW! Piled in the car and headed up the road. I tell you, it was an interesting 3 minute and 30 second ride to the Emergency room. Lot of coughing, kicking and screaming like a little kid, scared out of his whits just for a 3 minute ride.

Got to the ER, and it was rough just getting through the door, I was shaking like crazy, heart pounding and sweating, and of course the place was packed with people with "real issues" since most don't consider anxiety a "real issue" it's "all in your head", yep you are right it is. Doesn't mean it isn't a problem that can just be thought out of your head.

Well, we got to the receptionist who was nice enough, shuffled to a nurse for pulse check which was high of course, and blood pressure check which surprising wasn't, 135/85. Not bad for the shape I was in. She says, "take a seat, we'll call you", well good lord, 2.5 hours later we got called in, apparently my shaking, pacing, sweating was faked I guess, all those with slivers in their hands were priority.

FINALLY, get to go into the ER room, room? A little tarp area, yeah I felt really safe. Pulls curtain around, checks blood pressure and pulse again and leaves, I was feeling a bit better now, figured I'd be getting help finally. Well, 1 hour 20 minutes later, someone finally came and asked if we were getting help... ummm NO. " Ok I'll check" 20 minutes later a Dr. gave me some meds and said the nurse will sign you out. THAT's IT???? As I was taking my pills, I felt worse than when I went in, I was shaking so bad I could hardly stand, and the nurse said thanks for coming in and left . WOW this was great!!!

But they did write a prescription for a couple medications, and a referral to a Dr. Schmidt in the hospital, and in 2 weeks we had an appointment to see him.

Well, shaking and sweating we made our way to check out, I could hardly sign my name, this was so worth the effort right? Jeanne and I sat out in the car for about 20 minutes until the medication showed some signs of life and went home. At least I had Jeanne and my dog Niko who were supportive about this. Niko was thrilled to see us come home and had to poop of course.

And now the battle begins. NO more booze, with these meds and alcohol? I'd be back in the hospital without knowing I'd gone there. But the meds WERE working, I was actually feeling calmer, almost at ease. And over the next 2 weeks, it was getting increasingly better and better, it was hard now to not reach for the bottle, but I didn't need it. The meds were working, I was still having issues of course, but they were livable compared to what I was going through.

Over the next 2 weeks getting ready for my Doctor visit I stayed about the same, just some bouts of really bad panic attacks, but mostly just a little jumpy at times, after so long having horrible anxiety,  I was just used to feeling rotten, I had to adjust to what I felt now, at least I was sleeping more and able to do more than worry during the day.

March 12, 2012.

Off to the Doctor. Of course I worried all day about getting back in the dreaded 4 wheel vehicle of death and doom, scared to death of going to see the doctor, the ride once again even with meds was shaky at best, Jeanne gripping my hand the entire way in the car and through the hospital to the Dr office, we checked in and got a room right away, and waited for the Dr. Nurse came in, did the regular checks, blood pressure and pulse once again even though I was a mess was excellent 120/80.
Dr. Schmidt came in, great guy. Did his 400 questions prescribed a non-narcotic medication, and ordered a full workup of blood tests to make sure everything he can't see is working as intended, and we were basically on our way again. That medication he gave me is wonderful, it immediately made a HUGE change in how I felt, anxiety panic and worry was quickly, QUICKLY dissappearing, was amazing, and this isn't a narcotic, so I won't be addicted to it etc etc. Wonderful.

Well, we got home that night, the meds were already making a difference, and more probably the fact I survived the trips to the ER and Doctor, and more importantly I was getting help put my mind at ease, the rest of the day was wonderful, I was almost on cloud nine, God was smiling on me for the first time in 10 years.

So, after supper I was feeling so great, Jeanne and I and Niko were out playing in the yard, Niko was off leash, which he's normally very good with, decided he had a wild hair apparently. And wouldn't for whatever reason at the time come to us, nose to the ground, and running all over back and forth,   oh great hot female by looks of it, my luck probably hot female coyote, since this area is just over run with coyotes.

Well, I'd call and call, he'd look at me run towards me and then nose to the ground and run after the trail. At that point I was getting worried, he was now north of the property in a neighbors field, and suddenly he decided to GO, and go and go, he ran towards the road, and dissappeared along the side of the road heading north, I screamed for Jeanne to get the car, I gave chase up the road, soon I was a mile from home running towards town, nothing... no dog. My heart was dropping, then I heard a large pack of coyotes way off in the distance a good mile West, and sounded like they were heading south,  and it was getting dark.

Jeanne called the sheriff's department a hour later to see if anyone reported any missing dogs, we continued to look all over, we got in the car looked all over. I had feared the worst.

We got the call a half hour later that a dog matching the description of Niko was hit in the road a mile SOUTH of our home, we rushed to the scene of squad cars and people everywhere, he was barely breathing as I picked him up, and tears rushed down my face, I told him I love him, his eyes moved towards me, let out a final breath and was gone. I buried my friend 30 minutes later. And cried the next week.

March 12th, 2012 was a new beginning of life for me and the death of a friend, why did this have to happen. I've been through enough, I pray. There must be a reason for this suffering I endure. I have to move on from that, already crying again.

So, next we wait for the visit to the blood-sucker, and of course I worry about it, but anxiety was staying very very low, it was hard to adjust, but so what, time will tell, I was so worried what the blood tests would say, figured my liver was shot, kidney's gone, cholesterol probably through the roof, probably have malaria, pneumonia, diabetes, I'm sure at this point my time is just ticking away.
And I get to fast for the blood work. Was so hungry the next morning as we headed into the vampires lair. But, heck it went smoothly we were in and out in 15 minutes and I was back home and relaxed. Except the 3 day wait I now had for the blood work.

I hate waiting...

See ya tomorrow,