Thursday, June 14, 2012

We Are Going to Move??

I left off with news of big change in my last post, basically the summer into fall even winter wasn't eventful. Was raising a new puppy, practicing guitar when Niko would let me, and painting a lot.  Was still drinking regularly now, but still under control. And anxiety and panic were staying even.

The car was still a foreign object, but walks and regular work outside were common everyday occurence. Niko and I were walking about a mile a day on our own, and Jeanne and I would also take walks at night.

So we'll move into spring time. Jeanne's sister and her husband who live in Burlington Wisconsin, about 35 minute drive south of Mukwonago where we currently live, well they called with some interesting news and a question. They asked Jeanne and I, and Jeanne's mother if we all wanted to move into a house with them and their 4 children. A home that Richard, Jeanne's brother-in-law had his eye on for a long time came on the market, but they wouldn't do something about it unless we're all interested in moving there.

That would involve getting in a car for 35 minutes at least, hmmmm. You know what? The pure thought of leaving the cave I'd lived in hell in for 7 years, getting in a car never even considered a problem with it. So the packing began, they bought the house, on two and a quarter acres just south of Burlington, and there is an attached 800 square foot apartment that we'd have to ourselves. Life was looking up.

The brain is an odd thing, the fear and dread of all other times never made me nervous at all leading up to moving day. I have NO clue why, I guess the thought of change and hope were more overpowering than the fear of panic. I swear I had all our stuff packed in a day, and it filled a good sized u-haul truck. I was so excited.

Moving day!! eh well, did get nervous at this point, so I had a few drinks of booze. Probably a bit more than I needed, didn't feel drunk, but wasn't feeling anxiety. (I don't recommend drinking to solve your anxiety issues, I'll tell you more about how bad that is later.) But we packed up, I jumped in the back of the SUV of Jeanne's other sister, and said LET"S GO!! Jeanne's mother was going to stay at the old house for what ended up being about 3.5 months.

I tell you what. I had a blast, sure I was a bit tipsy from booze, but I enjoyed that ride something wonderful in my brain was clicking good things that day, not one issue the whole drive. We got to the new home and was like being reborn. For the next 4 months I was on cloud nine, we were bike riding all over, I was able to do things I hadn't thought possible for the past 7 years. I was drinking less over that 4 months, working outside more and more, feeling wonderful.

After that 4 months, not sure what happened, can't put a direct finger on it, probably a mixture of 100 things. Everyone had moved in now, Jeanne's mom also. And I started getting pretty jumpy again,  still no way I was getting BACK in the car, had to drink too much to get back in that death machine. But that euphoria was gone, I was slowly getting pushed back to the house again. Started drinking more regular again, made it through winter into spring.

Spring comes, and I was having problems right away, as I've talked about before, winters hard, you are stuck inside too much, can't go walking far. And I was turning 40 this summer. Which I didn't care about at all, looked forward to it. 30 I hated. But things were getting harder to do again, and I turned to booze more often. At least 3 a night sometimes more, by the fall it was up to 5 a night through the winter.

The more I drank the harder things got, and I hadn't been any Doctor now for 8-9 years? I lost track, but I'm always worried to a point of panic about my health, every little twinge it's gotta be something major. No it can't be allergies it must be something wrong, I'm dying I just know it!! Yeah whatever.

Tomorrow is going to be a rough topic, I thought anxiety used to be bad, I hadn't seen anything until I discuss what I went through for about 3 months in the beginning of 2012.