Thursday, June 7, 2012

Ambulance Ride

After a 20 minute ambulance ride, we arrived at the hospital. When I stepped out of the back, they had a wheelchair sitting there. Wow was I really this bad? Even after about a year of this really horrible suffering, I still was having a hard time realizing that this was happening to me, denial?  embarrassment? What was anxiety and panic, I didn't know these things even existed, I'm a man, men don't have issues they don't overcome with pure manly thoughts right? ummm apparently not.

Why hadn't I gotten help prior to this? Figured it was like a cold it would go away. Never dreamed it would consume my life and those around me like it had, or ruin my growing real estate business like it was, and forcing me into a life I didn't know could exist. Year after year went by and that thought of I'd just wake up one day and I'd be better was still there. And the deeper it's claws dug into me.

Anyway, back to the hospital, I didn't use the wheelchair like they wanted, because? Once I got out of the ambulance I felt absolutely fine, like anxiety didn't exist in my world, maybe because I was in a very safe place I guess. I was weak and tired from a long time of poor diet and little water. But I was getting help, so I thought.

But all they did was run a few tests, stick saline IV in, was "slightly malnutritioned and a little dehydrated". But tests other than that said I was healthy, didn't feel healthy, but was a load off my mind a bit, I figured it couldn't be just in my head all this was happening. Boy was I wrong.

Well,  they loaded me up I tell you, with some sort of tranquilizer, never been high in my life, never did any drugs of any kind accept booze, but my feet didn't touch the ground for about 12 hours after that, barely remember the ride home, but once we did get there, I just about ate the whole refrigerator full of food, and we walked for a couple miles.

So, I thought hey that was great, I'm on the mend!! I was able to eat better from there on out and haven't had terrible troubles since then eating, occasionally I do, but not enough to go back to where I was, so that was good. And we tried to keep walking. But I didn't go back to the doctor........ didn't get medication, which I apparently needed to kick this anxiety in the butt. So, over the next couple months the walks got shorter and shorter. Until I was almost completely back in the house again.

Wow, this is frustrating. It is a roller-coaster ride I'll tell you. I was determined not to go back to how it was, so I fought it, without medication, and it fought back hard. I was able to work in the yard, we lived on an acre or so lot, so it was a decent outside space, but the world sure gets bigger than I could handle a lot of times. And being alone was frightening, couldn't be far from help.

If I could just get in that stupid car and get back to a Doctor at that point, 10 years of my life probably wouldn't of been shot like it ended up being. GET HELP!!

Tried a psychologist, she must of been right out of college, because she agreed to come to the house.  First thing she wants me to do is get in the car and drive, LOL, I guess she didn't listen as to how bad my anxiety was geez. That drive lasted about 20 seconds and back inside we go. She wanted to try hypnosis on me, maybe she didn't know how, or I was stubborn, or maybe I thought she was going to turn me into a turkey? I dunno but that didn't work. She didn't bother coming back lol.

Tried all sorts of online help, read all the information, tried breathing excercises, listened to tapes,  without medication, I guess some people just can't get over the hump, some can, I'm not one of them. Next few years were just up and down, tried to walk, occasionally could go further, most times not, I'd try to do it on my own, or with my faithful sidekick SIMBA my wonderful husky-malamute. But I'd end up running home to hide. Some days were ok, some better than others, but the fear of having a horrible panic attack were always on my mind.

More tomorrow thanks for reading,