Monday, July 30, 2012

Two Days To Go

Two more days til we take off on our mini-trip, for me it'll be a challenge, if I continue to think about it. The anticipation and excitement is slowly driving me crazy. Trying not to let fear sneak in, I know I can make it without trouble, but then there is that "will I", that keeps knocking on my door.
So, I keep thinking of ways that I'm going to surprise my Grandmother, who I keep getting excited in the fact that she thinks they are still leaving on thursday to come to see us down here, haven't seen her in 5 months, I miss her. But she's busy getting food ready to bring, she seems to love that, loves to spoil her grandson hehe, and of course I allow it, have to make her happy you know. But, while she keeps busy getting ready to come here, telling me all the food she wants to "bring" instead we'll just be there to enjoy.

Thank goodness she doesn't have internet, even so a lot of friends read this blog and have come close to blowing the big surprise. I'd hate to wait another 10 years to have to surprise her again. That may not be there to do. Can't imagine where 10 years has gone. Can't believe I haven't been able to even think about riding in a car that far. So, we keep going places around here to keep my mind off riding, every time I have no trouble in a car the easier it gets, and occasionally I still have issues. And that sends up flares to my brain to worry, grrrrrrrrrr.

Anyway, my dad promised an extraordinaire fishing trip to Yellowstane Lake, where he claimed that you may sit for hours without a bite, and a good chance you'll go home without catching a darn thing.
That has me just quivering with excitement!! woohoo lol. Not sure if I bring my fishing supplies or a pillow.

So, the wait continues, no more "planned" doctor appointments for a long time, so apparently according to them all is going well, and I guess they must be right, 3 months until I go back to review medication with psychiatrist, all is good.

Trying to figure out what to do with my 55 gallon aquarium, I thought our research into the fish for the tank was thorough enough, therefore allowing a lot of plants to thrive with the fish community, but apparently NOT. Damn things won't leave my newly planted plants alone, every day at least 4 times I have to replant them, one or the other is going to have to go, and right now I'm betting on a certain 3 fish that aren't quite big enough to eat, but I MIGHT.

But it's a great hobby for anxiety enthusiasts lol, even started a smaller 10 gallon tank, for some plants and few small fishies. They are quite a bit of work for a few months getting it running smoothly then just a weekly emptying of about 20-25 percent of the water if you have it going right and that's all you have to really do, besides feed them. And it really keeps my mind occupied nicely on something else. Idle time kicks my ass. Too much time to wonder about anxiety and where is it, haven't had much of any for 5 months now, it's gotta be hiding somewhere, doesn't it?

Well, Loki, he's a godsend for me, for most part lol. When he's in the car I have something to occupy my brain also, really enjoy that dog, just watching his puppy curiosities can entertain for hours. And he won't sit still for 5 minutes, which does keep my mind on keeping him calm, so I don't worry about myself, don't have to. He does his job I do mine. All is good.

Just figured out it's hot out, and I decided on cleaning the car out, in which hasn't apparently been done in, well ever. Holy crap lol. Anyone want a few french fries? I thick I found enough coins to start a college fund for Loki also. And I'm sure washing the windows in and out, vacuuming and cleaning in and out, I've lost about 5 pounds. But hey, no anxiety so screw it!! More energy I burn the less anxiety and panic have to play with. Exercise exercise EXERCISE. Bleh gonna take a nap til tomorrow.

Just kiddin.

Gotta get into more of a routine, more exercise, daily chores etc, especially things indoors since this opressive heat apparently is going to continue. Need consistency in my life, things I know, things I trust will stay the same. Balance is very key to help focus on things and keep bad things away. Perfect the balance now, because winter time, you never know how much time you can get outdoors, and that's really killed me in the past. Just sitting indoors you can only occupy your brain so long, then you leave idle time to think about how much you really missed anxiety, and then sure enough it comes knocking. When spring comes around it starts to become a challenge to even go back outside, so that's why I'm pushing and pushing so very hard now, broaden my realm you could say. Further I can get out, the further anxiety would have to push to get me back indoors, hopefully that fear never comes out again, right now it's not even a thought.

I need a beer.

Cheers. til next time,