Friday, June 8, 2012

Pushing Harder

After about 5 years without having a drink of alcohol. I wanted one, and it helped my anxiety!!! Yeah right, after a couple drinks it did, but even just one or 2 the day anxiety blossomed mightily.  Mornings were very hard to get through, wasn't even hungover, booze just kicks in bad things when you are suffering with anxiety. But it did help get sleep, and actually do something at night besides fret about the next panic attack.

But, it was survivable enough to get some sleep, verus the 2 hours a night, I was getting 6 or so. I was actually able to get outside again more and more, started doing more lawn work, and one night, I said the hell with it, I'm going for a walk with my dog Simba, and I walked, was maybe a half mile, but I felt like I had walked forever, ended up making that same walk probably 20 times that night, I felt like a huge load had been lifted off me and could see the light.

So, Jeanne, Simba and I started pushing more, walking further, wasn't easy, was extremely hard at times, but was liberating, made me feel like a person again. Almost felt human. But drinking would not really get out of hand, but it was a crutch now, I wasn't an alcoholic per say, but without the booze at night life was really horrible. And I was only having from 1-3 a night, not getting drunk, just enough to relax, and go for a walk.

Walking for me, was ONLY done at night, the world was a lot smaller place at night. Daytime, I felt like everything was crashing down on me, no place to hide, was so big everywhere, couldn't wait to rush home to my dark small cave and hide.

Basically this cat and mouse game with my anxiety went on like this after I started having nightly drinks for a couple years like this, then I started exercising more, that REALLY helped, I didn't have as much energy left over for the anxiety and panic to play with. And I actually felt good enough I started biking during the day time around the subdivision we lived at, probably a mile or so, what a huge leap for me. I managed to do that on my own for almost the whole summer.

Unfortunately with anxiety it sometimes only takes one hiccup to send your world crashing, and I crashed hard. During one of my bike outings, for whatever reason I had a horrible panic attack, felt like I was going to die, heart pounding, sweating, couldn't breathe, shaking all over, I was a half mile from home and it might as well been on Mars, thought I was dead for sure. When I basically crawled into the house, that was it for me for quite a while, almost sent me into being house bound completely again.

After that many years fighting this, and the fear it would return to what it had been, at it's peak was barely even living, you fear that it's going back to that, shaking, sweating, pacing all over, and not eating. I didn't want to live through that ever again. So,  I just kept fighting, unfortunately alcohol relieved that suffering. I still only drank a few at night, just to help. But I knew it was only making it worse as well. But it allowed me to almost have a life.

Winters were and still are very hard for me, can't get out much, so cooped up inside, nothing to do,  can't walk far in these wonderful Wisconsin winters, so any progress walking, working outside during spring through fall is shot back to almost scared to leave the house again through winter, and had to fight to go outside in the spring every year. I had been eyeing up an old nasty guitar that was in the garage for years and years, had only 4 strings left on it, bridge was bent, the back was cracked and peeling off lol. But I grabbed that thing, and well couldn't really tune it, was so bad, but I started learning guitar.

And thanks to Bryan Adams, I played it til my fingers bled. And it reallllllly helped my anxiety and panic. When I felt panic coming on, I'd pick it up and play, it didn't fix me, but it kept the panic equal to handle. But that guitar was so bad lol, and I was broke after this long without being able to work, all funds dried up, I sadly had to ask for a cheap guitar, and my Wonderful Grandma Eva bought me a 100 dollar first act guitar from walmart, and that thing sounded like a Les Paul Gibson I tell you. It wasn't of course, thing was a cheapo, but I was on cloud nine.

Anyone with anxiety or panic, get a hobby. It helps!

More tomorrow.