Sunday, July 22, 2012

Rain? We actually got Rain?

Haven't mowed the lawn since last part of May, we got 2.5 inches of rain and only part of the lawn is showing a hint of green, and here comes the nasty heat again. As good as I was feeling I was really hoping to be able to do more outside, but this horrid heat isn't bearable. Of course I'm not really used to it either, being stuck inside not by choice off and on for so long, hard to adjust to harsher outdoor weather yet.

But I'm trying to keep pushing. Nearly every night after supper we go to the dog park for quite a while, usually until Loki is too hot and tired then we head out, and he just loves the heat, he's grumpier than I am about it. At least I don't bite and nibble others when I'm grumpy about the heat. Not yet anyway.

My "surprise" visit to see my Dad and Grandma is 1/2 thwarted by dad's wife Jada showing him my blogs ooops. I told her she shouldn't of taught him to read, well I thought that was funny, but apparently not all did. But the trip is still planned, and I can definately feel the excitement rising, which of course isn't good on my brain. I start getting a bit jumpier and feel more anxiety. And yes father you saying you aren't real optimistic I'll be able to make it that far really put some thoughts in my brain I didn't need, was 100 percent confident down to 50 now. Thanks!!!

This past week had a couple anxiety issues, once while out in the car, was very uncomfortable, and shopping during same trip wasn't very fun, very jumpy, panicky the entire time not fun, wasn't unbearable, but any anxiety now after 3 months without much at all is a blip on the radar for my healing brain, and worries me that more is too come, and once you or anyone else puts that thought there, takes more effort to get rid of it instead of moving forward from the accomplishments already done.

Second time was even more uncomfortable, was at home, safe and sound, so that bothered more so, nearly felt on the edge of full blown panic attack, was having trouble getting myself distracted enough to hold it in place, took a good two hours for it to pass.

So, we push on, trying to push the bad thoughts of recent out and keep going. So more fishing more driving more of everything I could never do before. And although carp fishing is kinda pointless after the catch, it's sure a blast during it, and no anxiety. I tell you though, what a fight they put up, if you aren't watching close waiting for them to hit, it's nearly too late by the time you catch your pole flying into the water. For the 5th time I nearly lost my fishing poles to the river, when they go they go lol, and once hooked, the fun is on, you get them nearly to shore and into the net, they see you or the net? Hang on, you are in for another wild ride, quite fun, try it.

Started painting a little bit again, and that's when I had a couple episodes of anxiety that were unexpected, and in the past when I have painted the same things have happened. I'm using acrylic, which has little to no fumes, and very little to no known allergy causes by acrylic paint or fumes, so I'm confused as to it's past memory linking having panic with painting? I used to pick up a brush and paint every time I started having anxiety problems and it helped greatly. But I'm sure I associate panic with painting now. Troublesome, I want to paint, but not at the cost of fearing it, stupid I know, is it in my head? Or is it some sort of allergy to it. Most will say it's all in your head, because most that will read that haven't gone through the anxiety or panic from other things and it's easier to say than think about what the underlying issue might be.

Time will tell. I know words of encouragement and acknowledgement of how far you have recovered to normal is far more than optimism and we'll see what happens. Those of you that have suffered or do suffer anxiety need to have the backing and support of those around you cheering the victories and supporting the defeat, don't let doubters get in the way. And only you can prevent forest fires!

Thanks for reading, happy fishing!