Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Blood tests back and Searching for new Puppy

Well, the 3 days wait for blood work was horrible, I'm definately a hypochondriac, worry about health issues all the time, thanks mom and dad for passing that on to me, mix that with anxiety and every time you sneeze you think "oh no, what's wrong"?

But the days passed, I called in to get the results, and wow, did I have the right number? The numbers on everything were astoundingly good, and they did every test under the sun, except ONE. Alt's liver enzymes were double what they should be. So, fear anxiety and depression, worry and whatever adjective you want to throw in were in the game now. I just got back a glowing review from blood work, nothing else was wrong except that one test, and if there was something really wrong, the other liver tests they did would of been high also, and the nurse instead of saying "they are double what they should be, you better worry!!!" she could of said, yes it's a concern, but nothing else is high, so just relax, see what the doctor says. But pfft no.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

40 million American adults...

Anxiety disorders affect about 40 million American adults—18% of the population—in a given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Only about one-third of them seek treatment. The disorders run the gamut from panic attacks and specific phobias to obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, a random kind of worry described as free-floating and relentless.

It's time for change

I'd reach so far into hell, I couldn't stand it, alcohol was gonna kill me before anything else would, I was tired of having to feel the need to reach for the bottle just to feel human. For the next week I pondered how to get a whole 3 miles to the hospital for help. 3 miles at this point seemed like it might as well been the moon, and getting there on a kite.

A lot of crying, depression and worry over that week the time had come where I just couldn't handle it, it had to be done now.

After a lot of second guessing on the dreadful day I made my choice to get in the car, the time was there, and we just said LET"S GO NOW! Piled in the car and headed up the road. I tell you, it was an interesting 3 minute and 30 second ride to the Emergency room. Lot of coughing, kicking and screaming like a little kid, scared out of his whits just for a 3 minute ride.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Worse and worse

Winter was breaking now in early 2012, hadn't been easy except very light winter. My anxiety was getting worse and worse, I'd wake up every morning and panic attacks would start for no reason, and they'd last most of the day, everyday. They weren't always real bad, but they'd stay constant on a scale of about 3/10  and go up to about 8/10.

Only way I could sleep is 4 drinks at night at least, and wasn't get a lot of sleep at all. I'd awaken the next day due to probably too much booze the night before and just feel rotten, either from alcohol or anxiety didn't matter they were now mixed together, and the mix was bad.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

We Are Going to Move??

I left off with news of big change in my last post, basically the summer into fall even winter wasn't eventful. Was raising a new puppy, practicing guitar when Niko would let me, and painting a lot.  Was still drinking regularly now, but still under control. And anxiety and panic were staying even.

The car was still a foreign object, but walks and regular work outside were common everyday occurence. Niko and I were walking about a mile a day on our own, and Jeanne and I would also take walks at night.

So we'll move into spring time. Jeanne's sister and her husband who live in Burlington Wisconsin, about 35 minute drive south of Mukwonago where we currently live, well they called with some interesting news and a question. They asked Jeanne and I, and Jeanne's mother if we all wanted to move into a house with them and their 4 children. A home that Richard, Jeanne's brother-in-law had his eye on for a long time came on the market, but they wouldn't do something about it unless we're all interested in moving there.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

New puppy and moving forward

After Simba passed the first week of course was just miserable, after 12 years with my friend that was horrible, and he helped me so much with anxiety I knew I needed to find a new friend. Jeanne and I really only want huskies. That's what we love. But wow, they aren't cheap, and I'm not begging for 500 or more bucks from anyone for a dog, even though I really wanted to, had to be another option.

Rescue dogs i'm sure was an option, but I want a puppy one that I can start from scratch you know? Yes, beggers can't be choosers, especially in a time of need, you take what you get right? Well I reached out to any resource I could find in my area of the world, and the call was answered by a long time family friend Benny and Alice Stamm.

My Grandma Eva had come through again, she placed a call to the Stamm's as they have had Alaskan Husky iditarod dogs and ran them in the Alaskan Iditarod for a few years. And they happened to just have one 8 week old puppy, at the grand cost of one quilt my Grandma had made. Even though they didn't ask for anything. I wanted that pup so bad right now, didn't care if it had 2 heads and eyes on his butt.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Learning Guitar

Was a good time for my new hobby and a new guitar, winter was setting in, and as I mentioned before winters are very hard on me, stuck inside mostly where I was for so long with no choice, now seemed the same. So, having something else to occupy my time besides shovelling snow, I had the guitar, and slowly got better. I'm still not that great, but not horrible, quite fun and takes the edge off of anxiety some times.

But I started to associate playing guitar with anxiety and panic a little also. Which happens with anxiety, you start to associate "what if's" with everyday life. That's what happened to me with the car, "what if I'm driving and have problems again". So, you stay out of the car. Then you have an issue out walking somewhere, so avoid walking that far. Get the picture? Soon you are stuck inside where ever you can find a safe place that isn't triggering anxiety. For me it got so bad at some points, there wasn't a safe place on this earth that didn't cause me problems.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Pushing Harder

After about 5 years without having a drink of alcohol. I wanted one, and it helped my anxiety!!! Yeah right, after a couple drinks it did, but even just one or 2 the day anxiety blossomed mightily.  Mornings were very hard to get through, wasn't even hungover, booze just kicks in bad things when you are suffering with anxiety. But it did help get sleep, and actually do something at night besides fret about the next panic attack.

But, it was survivable enough to get some sleep, verus the 2 hours a night, I was getting 6 or so. I was actually able to get outside again more and more, started doing more lawn work, and one night, I said the hell with it, I'm going for a walk with my dog Simba, and I walked, was maybe a half mile, but I felt like I had walked forever, ended up making that same walk probably 20 times that night, I felt like a huge load had been lifted off me and could see the light.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Ambulance Ride

After a 20 minute ambulance ride, we arrived at the hospital. When I stepped out of the back, they had a wheelchair sitting there. Wow was I really this bad? Even after about a year of this really horrible suffering, I still was having a hard time realizing that this was happening to me, denial?  embarrassment? What was anxiety and panic, I didn't know these things even existed, I'm a man, men don't have issues they don't overcome with pure manly thoughts right? ummm apparently not.

Why hadn't I gotten help prior to this? Figured it was like a cold it would go away. Never dreamed it would consume my life and those around me like it had, or ruin my growing real estate business like it was, and forcing me into a life I didn't know could exist. Year after year went by and that thought of I'd just wake up one day and I'd be better was still there. And the deeper it's claws dug into me.

Anyway, back to the hospital, I didn't use the wheelchair like they wanted, because? Once I got out of the ambulance I felt absolutely fine, like anxiety didn't exist in my world, maybe because I was in a very safe place I guess. I was weak and tired from a long time of poor diet and little water. But I was getting help, so I thought.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Let's begin where it all started

Let's begin where it started.  About 10 years ago give or take, as a successful realtor, I was on my daily drive to the office. Suddenly I had for the first time in my life a horrible dizzy spell that made me feel as if I was floating out of the car. I had lost so I thought complete control of everything, it only lasted about 10 seconds, was able to keep control of the car and keep going no accident.
But the damage to me mentally was very severe, little did I know how bad it would get in the months and years to come.

I was sweating terribly, white as a ghost when I arrived at the office, could barely make it to my desk and sit down. Shaking was gone for now, pulse rate coming down, but the thought of getting back in that car sent shivers down my spine. What happened and why were they creeping into my thoughts. 

I only lasted a hour or so in the office until I had my fiance Jeanne drive me home, just getting in that car again was very very frightening. But we made it home without a problem, but now the brain was working over and over, what could of caused this, and of course I had little faith or just plain ignorance in going to a doctor right away, and didn't have insurance at the time.

So, I'll just sit at home for a bit, well that didn't help. My real estate business immediately suffered, and my fears of that car which I had to rely on for selling sat in the driveway and me basically in a cave, worrying.