Blood tests back and Searching for new Puppy

Well, the 3 days wait for blood work was horrible, I'm definately a hypochondriac, worry about health issues all the time, thanks mom and dad for passing that on to me, mix that with anxiety and every time you sneeze you think "oh no, what's wrong"?

But the days passed, I called in to get the results, and wow, did I have the right number? The numbers on everything were astoundingly good, and they did every test under the sun, except ONE. Alt's liver enzymes were double what they should be. So, fear anxiety and depression, worry and whatever adjective you want to throw in were in the game now. I just got back a glowing review from blood work, nothing else was wrong except that one test, and if there was something really wrong, the other liver tests they did would of been high also, and the nurse instead of saying "they are double what they should be, you better worry!!!" she could of said, yes it's a concern, but nothing else is high, so just relax, see what the doctor says. But pfft no.

40 million American adults...

Anxiety disorders affect about 40 million American adults—18% of the population—in a given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Only about one-third of them seek treatment. The disorders run the gamut from panic attacks and specific phobias to obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, a random kind of worry described as free-floating and relentless. 

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/anxiety-can-bring-out-the-best.html

It's time for change

I'd reach so far into hell, I couldn't stand it, alcohol was gonna kill me before anything else would, I was tired of having to feel the need to reach for the bottle just to feel human. For the next week I pondered how to get a whole 3 miles to the hospital for help. 3 miles at this point seemed like it might as well been the moon, and getting there on a kite.

A lot of crying, depression and worry over that week the time had come where I just couldn't handle it, it had to be done now.

After a lot of second guessing on the dreadful day I made my choice to get in the car, the time was there, and we just said LET"S GO NOW! Piled in the car and headed up the road. I tell you, it was an interesting 3 minute and 30 second ride to the Emergency room. Lot of coughing, kicking and screaming like a little kid, scared out of his whits just for a 3 minute ride.

Worse and worse

Winter was breaking now in early 2012, hadn't been easy except very light winter. My anxiety was getting worse and worse, I'd wake up every morning and panic attacks would start for no reason, and they'd last most of the day, everyday. They weren't always real bad, but they'd stay constant on a scale of about 3/10  and go up to about 8/10.

Only way I could sleep is 4 drinks at night at least, and wasn't get a lot of sleep at all. I'd awaken the next day due to probably too much booze the night before and just feel rotten, either from alcohol or anxiety didn't matter they were now mixed together, and the mix was bad.

We Are Going to Move??

I left off with news of big change in my last post, basically the summer into fall even winter wasn't eventful. Was raising a new puppy, practicing guitar when Niko would let me, and painting a lot.  Was still drinking regularly now, but still under control. And anxiety and panic were staying even.

The car was still a foreign object, but walks and regular work outside were common everyday occurence. Niko and I were walking about a mile a day on our own, and Jeanne and I would also take walks at night.

So we'll move into spring time. Jeanne's sister and her husband who live in Burlington Wisconsin, about 35 minute drive south of Mukwonago where we currently live, well they called with some interesting news and a question. They asked Jeanne and I, and Jeanne's mother if we all wanted to move into a house with them and their 4 children. A home that Richard, Jeanne's brother-in-law had his eye on for a long time came on the market, but they wouldn't do something about it unless we're all interested in moving there.

New puppy and moving forward

After Simba passed the first week of course was just miserable, after 12 years with my friend that was horrible, and he helped me so much with anxiety I knew I needed to find a new friend. Jeanne and I really only want huskies. That's what we love. But wow, they aren't cheap, and I'm not begging for 500 or more bucks from anyone for a dog, even though I really wanted to, had to be another option.

Rescue dogs i'm sure was an option, but I want a puppy one that I can start from scratch you know? Yes, beggers can't be choosers, especially in a time of need, you take what you get right? Well I reached out to any resource I could find in my area of the world, and the call was answered by a long time family friend Benny and Alice Stamm.

My Grandma Eva had come through again, she placed a call to the Stamm's as they have had Alaskan Husky iditarod dogs and ran them in the Alaskan Iditarod for a few years. And they happened to just have one 8 week old puppy, at the grand cost of one quilt my Grandma had made. Even though they didn't ask for anything. I wanted that pup so bad right now, didn't care if it had 2 heads and eyes on his butt.

Learning Guitar

Was a good time for my new hobby and a new guitar, winter was setting in, and as I mentioned before winters are very hard on me, stuck inside mostly where I was for so long with no choice, now seemed the same. So, having something else to occupy my time besides shovelling snow, I had the guitar, and slowly got better. I'm still not that great, but not horrible, quite fun and takes the edge off of anxiety some times.

But I started to associate playing guitar with anxiety and panic a little also. Which happens with anxiety, you start to associate "what if's" with everyday life. That's what happened to me with the car, "what if I'm driving and have problems again". So, you stay out of the car. Then you have an issue out walking somewhere, so avoid walking that far. Get the picture? Soon you are stuck inside where ever you can find a safe place that isn't triggering anxiety. For me it got so bad at some points, there wasn't a safe place on this earth that didn't cause me problems.