Sunday, September 1, 2013

Actually looking forward to Burlington return

At this point, we have returned to Argyle, and settling in for the weekend, and we'll have to return Sunday, as my medication I take once a day will run out, and I really have to take that one. Need to talk to my doctor about it, because I don't think I need that particular one.  He has me on three of them,  one I take only as I think I need it, and it's an addictive one supposedly, since it's a narcotic called Lorazepam.  It calms your nerves basically.  But I'm well ahead on taking that mad, probably have a month and a half supply now, because I just don't take it very often, but good to have just in case I have issues like I did in the Dells.

But the one that supposedly isn't addictive, if I miss it for one day, I feel "strange" if I miss it for two days I normally have a pretty good panic attack.  Now,  is the drug really helping?  Or is my body withdrawing?  Or, well, I'll have to ask him I guess,  it's only a 75mg one called venlafaxine,  he had me on 150mg once, and holy crap, that wasn't good, took those for maybe 5 days and wanted to throw them in the river.  Horrible dreams with nasty nightmares, odd thoughts, etc etc.  Back to the 75mg and still wonder what exactly they are doing to me.

OK, anyway,  since my episode in the Dells, actually a couple, I just haven't been feeling like myself as I've got to know since I have been getting better.  Just couldn't get myself settled completely.  Really needed to get back to Burlington for a bit.  A lot of the pressure I think I was feeling, was just from going to the Dells in general.  A lot of new adventures I hadn't been ABLE to do for, well going on 12 years now.  So, I think it was  bit overwhelming altogether, and after that I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty directions at once.

I have my cousin Matt wanting me to take the trapping course and test, to go trapping with him this fall and winter.  Well, that's new to me as well, and I have to sit on my ass and stare at paperwork for a considerable amount of time.  that equals more pressure.

Have my Grandma and Linda pulling at me to do this and that and to be around more often.  Have my Dad who wants me around, and he'll be going out to Colorado hunting in the middle of the month and he wants me at his house to babysit it to make sure nobody is trying to get in to take anything.

While he's away, other hunting buddies want me around for opening day of archery deer season.  Jeanne normally wants me back in Burlington more often to do things there.  I really want to be working on my campers, because right now that's going to be my source of income and a good business opportunity I THINK.

All the above is pulling me so many directions and I assume nobody understands or is thinking ahead at what maybe I'd like to do?  I'm not on vacation, my job right now is doing whatever I can to get myself as healthy as I possibly can.  I feel just good enough that I doubt I'll be able to stay on disability, and on same note, I keep getting reminded that I really doubt I'm going to be able to go get a job without great difficulties at least for a while.  And find something that would at least get me what I make now plus some insurance?  Yeah I feel like I'm really going to be hurting come next August unless I set myself up to succeed on my own business by next spring at the very latest.   With ongoing anxiety, yes it's so much better than it was, but still apparently grasping me by the belt loop, the only obvious choice is to put my heart and soul into my own business and make a run that way.

But being pulled in so many directions at once, so many wanting my time, and by seeing this from my prospective, how is this benefiting me?  Yes,  I so enjoy being able to spend time with my cousin and his family, my grandma and aunt and my dad.  My step brother and sister and their families.  But I can only keep that up so long, I'm not on vacation, I'm fighting for survival.  Without disability,  basically I'm screwed.  Who the hell is going to hire someone that according to state of Wisconsin qualifies for mental disability?  Sure I'm not nuts,  yeah hush,  I'm not,  a little crazy? Of course.  But it's not "mental" as some would think, it's an illness, that probably will never be completely cured but can be handled to a point.  But who the hell is going to want to trust or hire someone with that on a resume?

My dad is retired from farming, so he's got plenty of time, and nearly old enough for social security, my Grandma of course is retired and bored, etc etc,  so everyone I basically know has plenty of time on their hands, and I feel like I'm a puppet a lot of times for everyone, and trying not to upset anyone in the process.

Forgot to even mention my long-time friend Jeremy and his family, I'd love to see them more often when I'm in the Argyle area, but once again, I'm being pulled so much in different directions.....

Where was everyone when I needed them when I was really sick with this panic and anxiety crap?  I felt like I was on a deserted island with leprosy when I first was effected by this crap.  I slowly lost contact with everyone, after a few years of this disease, didn't hear from anyone hardly ever.  Now that I'm fighting to overcome this,  "I" have to still go run to wherever people want me to be on their time.

"Hey, how you been feeling, making progress? When is a good time we can get together, your place or mine."  yeah umm that would be nice to hear I think instead of the pressured you need to be here feelings I get.  Where were you when I needed you?

Sorry, had to get that off my chest.

So, no pictures today, too grumpy.