Sunday, September 8, 2013

OH no, I must be crazy!!

Oh no, the voices are back!!  Then I realized oh crap, I have my headphones on listening to a book, geez.  Nah just kidding, never heard voices, but here I am almost 3 in the morning, ideas running through my head, "no they aren't speaking to me".  Thinking, wow I say and do some really stupid things.  So why not write about them?

A lot of people say that when you have a panic attack "it's all in your head, just snap out of it", well yeah it is in my head, wish I could just pop it out lol.  But as I lay here typing away, I do think about what is "nuts".   At times going through horrible panic, I wondered, really am I losing it? Or had I never had it?  I look back at my grandparents, parents, cousin Matt and definitely his wife!!  My wonderful sister Amber is in a league of her own!.  Heck we're all nuts, just to what degree?  I believe we've got it under control in the nuts department.  We have fun, that's it, and the circle we're in with family and friends, to be honest, tend to get sucked into our own fantasy of insanity world, and it's quite humorous.

Like Grandpa Bob setting off quarter sticks of dynamite on tree stumps for fun, or the time when I was changing a light bulb for Grandma and he was sneaking up behind me while I was on the ladder with a firecracker in his hand, lighter in the other, just a giggling away.  Hell yeah my family is nuts!! And I love them for it. And miss terribly the ones that have passed. The stories will live on forever.

But that's a different kind of nuts, that's just family letting loose, I have endless stories that would make these ridiculous TV shows now a days beg for our script that is always ad-libbed and off the cuff, it is no act, it's just the way we are.  Take it or leave it.

But as I go through my healing process, I find myself wondering, what is really nuts?  In my estimation, it's doing things without comprehension that you are actually doing them.  therefore I take a breath and relax just a bit, I hope.  I joke way too much,  rarely serious unless the time calls for it, but during this "process" I'm going through, it seems to be my safeguard, a safe place that keeps my brain going constantly to ward off the anxiety that's always nipping at my heels.

I'm fully aware of the stupid voices I chatter with to get smiles on others, the wise cracks I make in the stores to total strangers and have them giggling down the aisles.  The constant practical jokes I pull on anyone and everyone.  Never once have I heard a voice in my head, unless like I said, forget the stupid head phones are on and you think, oh no!!!

So, I can tell when I'm a bit on edge or feeling the nerves, I really get chatty, and darn right silly, and possibly even annoying!  It's a two-headed monster really, even growing up, eh well never have grown up, but as a child through school and beyond, when the time mattered, I was way more mature than my age.  When it didn't matter? Look out, cuz I was at best 10 years old at all times, no matter of my current age,  and I see that manner in all my family.  Why get old at heart?  Only as old as you feel,  and at 3 in the morning, little after now writing this, I feel like a kid again,  I won't in 2 and half hours when the dogs have to go potty and I won't get back to sleep,  I shall then feel all of 42 plus 10 or so on top of that, I guarantee it.  But for now?  Party ON!!! haha.

But as I think back to what I was with the horrible panic, it's all still so clear, and hard to imagine really, how far I've come in a year and half, quite amazing to me,  and as I listen to the voices say.. err wait, nevermind, there is no voices,,  "shhhh".  Ok, moving on :)

Overtired,  I need to write this stuff without sleep more often, quite "interesting".

So, when I was having major attacks,  back up for a second,  I was talking to my new friend the other day about her panic attacks, and having a disconnected feeling at times.  I couldn't recall right then exactly what I could put that into words, and just now had a memory of exactly what my recollection was of that feeling, and I agree, it does happen, like you are really out of your own body.  Nuts?? nope just so frightened you almost are out of control with fear.

I recently saw an episode on TV about tourette's syndrone patients,  people who involuntarily twitches, swear suddenly, odd body movements,  Well, I don't have that, but that's exactly what I went through at my worst times, some of it I don't even remember it was so bad,  look up tourette's if you want,  doubt my spelling is right on it, but google will get you there.  But that's what it was like for me,  almost out of body experience,  I do recall a few times as though I was looking down upon myself as I was crying, kicking and screaming,  swearing and yelling WHY ME!!!  Wow, it was bad,  standing out in the snow bare foot trying to make the pain go away,  standing under a cold shower, *for anxiety reasons* thanks very much!  It was really out of control, no where near myself.

Nuts? Nope, or I'd be in some asylum somewhere,  just a matter of right medications and I'm in darn good shape,  well for being 42 acting like 10 anyway.  Just like my Dad, and definitely like Grandpa Bob,  well minus the need to be on medications for them anyway, but maybe hmm, maybe it would of helped? hehe.

Oh boy, the ranting and raving of a lunatic without sleep!!

Bye for now.