Thursday, September 5, 2013

It won't kill you! Might feel like it though.....

Yeah anxiety and the related issues with it, especially agoraphobia, is so debilitating that it can feel like you are slowly dying most the time until a nasty panic attack hits you, then you are certain you are going to die, right then and there,  but apparently it doesn't I'm still here,  I think?  Once you get forced indoors due to agoraphobia, you are backing yourself into such a small world that eventually you will be scared of doing anything at all, you can try to get into routines that helps for awhile, but soon, anxiety grabs a hold of those and makes you constantly change who and what you are.

As I spoke yesterday about my new friend who is in the aggressive state of anxiety, panic and agoraphobia,  I sympathize so much for her, and remember for myself the pain and anguish I went through, and what I put those around me through.  If you don't have panic yourself, you just can't imagine the pain and suffering it's like, and when you feel like everyone is against you, telling you to "just snap out of it"  it hurts, it's simply not that easy, especially when you get into the agoraphobia stages of being basically scared to death of the outdoors anymore.  For me that was enough to not want to live anymore.  I couldn't hunt, fish, hike, bike, not a damn thing I grew up worshiping doing.

So, when my new friend tells me she lives 1 mile from a hospital, oh boy has that struck home.  As I've written before in early blogs, It took me 2 visits to the hospital about 8 years apart in time to fix my issues.  The first time was in the ambulance, and I couldn't follow through with appointments after I got home, mainly because I just didn't have enough of the medications I'm on now to get me well enough to brave the trips.

The 2nd visit, I lived only 1 mile from the hospital.  Seems like karma here.  But I was in such a dark desperate place, I had simply no choice any more.  I can't even explain again, just how bad it was, in winter I had to go outside in shorts with no shoes and stand in the snow until the pain was so bad it got the anxiety to go away for a matter of minutes, yes minutes only, I was in total terror everyday for about 2 months.....  SO,  that was IT, I told Jeanne, I don't care if it kills me I'm going to the hospital right now,  of course I knew it wouldn't kill me, I've been through everything that could be thrown at me already, a 60 second car ride is NOT going to kill me, and I'm going to a place that, well, what better place to go than a hospital?  Whatever you got they can help you,  I wasn't worried about freaking out, or going nuts, I was GOING to get help and was not leaving until I got what I knew what would help me.

And that's what I did.

Of course a real kick in the nuts when I got home,  I was feeling SO amazingly good, for the first time in a long time, I was OUTSIDE, playing with my dog Niko, he got loose, ran away and got hit in the road.

SO, yeah, March 12th was a blessing and a curse I guess?  But I have not looked back from that day, except to think about Niko.  And I push forward for him as well as myself and friends and family.  Sure I get panic attacks now and then, especially if I don't follow my drugs according to plan, but they don't set me back anymore.  Out in public I have occasional panic problems, they suck, but I deal with them, and due whatever panicked me in the first place until it doesn't bother me anymore.

Now, drinking booze of any kind,  which I have been doing a little here and there, does NOT like me anymore, makes me feel horrible, even one, the next day I have anxiety off and on all day. So,yeah, not good.  But a drink now and then really makes me feel more "human",  not for everyone yes, but for me a drink now and then was who I WAS.  I want some of that old guy back ya know?

A 60 second ride and I'm living again.  Didn't kill me, won't kill you either.

I hope I don't meet anyone that lived through the sheer terror I did with my anxiety issues, talking with others that have it, I still haven't met anyone, thank god,  No, it's not a competition, but maybe God's blessing upon me, to test me, to make me stronger, and to help others through their life.

That's how I think it is.

God Bless you all.