Thursday, October 17, 2013

Oh Doctor Doctor!

Happened to think of a few more things the doctor had told me.  Found interesting and made a lot of sense and made things a little more clear for me.  Of course the part I wasn't real happy with was the fact that it could take all of the 10 years I lost to this wonderful issue to regain complete control of my life again,  or it may take longer, or sooner, It's a crapshoot at best.  But one of the things was he said, that anxiety and panic are one of the most painful "diseases" for lack of a better word, that there is.  It has no real symptoms per say.  It's the invisible pain, no one can see it.

The example he based on similar like for like, is depression, you can see a lot in people when they suffer depression, the signs are very evident if you look.  The sulking, the lack of get up and go, hanging your head, no interest in things anymore, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere, and he mentioned that those issues can usually receive empathy and compassion from people, consoling and trying to help them.  With anxiety, no one can see it, even though MY brain in particular at times feels like it's bouncing from one side of my skull to another, and feel as though I'm going to jump out of my skin, the outward signs nearly all the time aren't there, but I'm ready to go through the roof.

So, even though I look as though I'm right as rain, I maybe very well going through hell, and have learned to kind of hide or disguise it, because a panic attack to me especially in public can be embarrassing, especially a full blown one which I've had in public. Several times.  So that was interesting, and the other fact he put forth on that is that most people will just say "don't think about it" meaning put it out of your mind, it's all in your head.  oh boy yeah no kidding.  Just that easy, snap my fingers wiggle my nose and *poof* all gone.

Problem with that is, in my case after 10 years of hell, I have so many pathways in my brain that have been altered by course of nature and learning that every thought I have leads to panic, I have to relearn and rebuild new pathways so there isn't fear at every turn.  And that's medically proven.

So, "don't think about it", "get it out of your mind", doesn't apply, and cannot apply until those pathways are formed again, so that which is causing the panic right now is no longer a fear.
Put into simple turns,  we have all learned to walk and talk.  There is no fear to walk and talk, that pathway in your brain is full and clear of danger.  Say you trip and fall one day while walking on a step and crack your knee.  Next time you go that same place, are you going to watch your step? Or plod on , trip and fall and crack your knee again?  Well damn right you remember tripping and falling don't you?   You aren't yet scared of that step, but if you tripped and fell again, next time you go around that step and figure a new way not to fall, but now you have triggered a fear of that step.  In anxiety and panic that's how it starts,  a roadblock in a pathway in your brain has an alert sign, bridge out ahead roadblock up.

So, now you are avoiding that step, going around it.  Pretty soon you are surrounded by steps that you have to try to avoid, and after a while you are trapped in that circle of steps you can't get over, until you learn to walk and talk without tripping and falling again, without panic of doing so and overcoming these obstacles and a new clear pathway without warning signs is formed in your brain.

That's how panic is formed, from anxiety.  Every time you avoid doing something or avoiding something for a reason of fear, that is anxiety.  Doing that action and going through panic doing so, damages a pathway in your head.

End of lesson for today :)