Spring back ? Fall Ahead? Where is summer?

You have to be kidding me, so we made the trip to Argyle last weekend, to see family and meet up with friends for a "working" supper.  And we get dumped on with a foot of the white powdery stuff?

Someone needs a talk with Mother Nature, must be her time of the month or something this is ridiculous.  Only in Wisconsin can you be sunbathing on Saturday and Snowmobiling on Sunday. Gotta love it.  Guess I do or I'd move to Alaska where the weather apparently is more on an even level with the time of year you happen to live.

I suppose I better bbbbblog for a bit

Gun season is here weeeee.  I look forward to the first hour of gun season and that's it.   Don't have enough deer the way it is, and so many people just kill and kill and kill.  The saying of "if it's brown it's down" just sucks I hate it.  Too many hunters see brown no matter what size the deer and just kill and kill.  Then wonder why we have no deer around anymore.  Idiots.

Well opening day I saw a lot of does and fawns and a couple small bucks, but don't need the meat really, only going to shoot a trophy buck, but at least I saw deer.  Sadly most the deer I saw are probably dead now.

But whew was it freezing cold as heck both Saturday and Sunday. Wow it was cold, then today we got 2.5 inches of the white stuff and still cold as heck out.  Only thing nice about that frigid temperature is not many guys are out and about that's for sure.  At least that will save some deer.   Hope the snow leaves soon, makes gun hunting way too easy for everyone to see the deer, track the deer etc etc.

The hunt continues with not much progress

Been a few days since I've posted.  Been so busy hunting and running around just haven't taken the time.  Soon as you get done hunting in the morning, time you get 14 layers of clothes off from trying to keep warm and dry, you are ready for a nap.  But then just when you wanna do that, you are hungry, make breakfast then you are really sleepy.  Sit down for a bit, relax food coma sets in, stand up to take a nap, then another hunter friend stops in to chat.  One friend leaves someone else stops by, pretty soon, it's lunch time.  Phones ringing, more people stop by.  next thing you know it's 3 o'clock and time to get ready for hunting again.

I tell you this hunting for food is work!!  The cavemen did indeed have it nice without having to worry about phone calls, and they probably just speared anyone that stopped by to say "hello" when it was nap time.  Then they had more food.   Hmmm.

Anyway,  hunting is still great fun, the deer stands are still tough at times,  a few of them seem to be great for my brain to handle, some not so much.  But having killed 2 deer already.  I'm pretty good on meat for the winter into spring, so the pressure is off on that, now I can just wait for a "real buck" been a long time, I want a big one. Gun hunting doesn't count that much in my book, too easy.

Too MUCH CORN!!!! Some will understand!

Well, it was time to head back to see my "other" family for a while, needed a break was wearing myself out constant going going "hunting"  I know it seems like it's just playing around, but dang I was getting pooped out, and stressed from constant bombardment of people everywhere you turned, kids yelling and kicking, dogs running crazy. Chaos.  Sleep in the camper, retreat to the camper, helped a lot.  But now back in Burlington for a few days, I MISS MY CAMPER!!

Fresh air and cool weather, even the bed was great, I see why those things are loved by so many, home away from home I tell you!

But it was time to get back for a few apparently sleepless nights, I slept maybe 2 hours all night, and what I did manage in sleep was constant very odd dreams. I think I may have missed some regularly scheduled meds I should have taken?  Don't feel sick, so that's what I'm going to have to go with.

Was nice getting greeted by my baby Thor after 10 days away from my little buddy.  You would think I was gone for a year the way I was greeted, he nearly bent himself in half wiggling his way to me, then I was mauled with a face lapping and whining for 15 minutes.  Brings a smile to your heart.  Never know he'd got his "boy parts" taken from him 11 days before, never changed a bit, but I still feel bad for him.

On a different note, after seeing such huge bucks around Argyle.  And so many deer running everywhere I just had to get away to smaller bucks and less deer.. ...... ..  Ok Ok.. sarcasm filter didn't catch that one.  Can't believe how little deer we have and the DNR says kill em all there is thousands!!!  Well our game cameras tell a different story!  But we do have 200 acres of standing corn for them to hide in.  Would be seeing more without that still up. But it will save the deer and give them places to hide on our farm.But Burlington.... this is another reason I "needed" and "wanted" to come back for a little.

 No not this one, the time on clock didn't change for daylights saving time.  I was checking my camera in hopes of getting a picture of the guy below this.  But there was deer out feeding, so I just pulled my camera out quick and didn't spook the deer.

 Now, THIS is a deer, I've seen him and his 2 buddies several times, but never close enough to get a shot.  In case you are wondering?  Yeah that is a big son of a buck. And one of his buddies is bigger, one just a tad smaller.

And of course one of our nuisance neighbors, there is a ton of coyotes around here.

Revenge on one deer!

The deer hunt continues, and they are moving around, but so much corn yet, they mostly aren't coming out til after dark. But a couple nights ago, I no longer got into stand and here comes a little buck, tiny one, spike on one side and forked points on the other, nice size deer, but just not what I want, at least not right at this moment.

Well he fed through and back into the corn he went 20 yards away and slipped out of sight. And I'm finally braving sitting up in the deer stands, I'm not comfortable but I'm making It through the day and night stands  without having to get out for a while so I can breathe again.  But anyway, another 15 minutes passed and here comes another buck, and he's a MONSTER!!  Nice body deer, but little spikes on the little guy, I videoed him for 6 minutes, and I kept grunting him back in and again right under my stand, it was not yet his time to end up in the freezer.

While the little buck still looking for the grunt origin, here comes a big doe from the other direction, and I'm turned the wrong way to shoot her and I want here badly!  She was clueless coming in, had no idea I was there, but I had to turn around completely to shoot her, and while turning as quiet as I can, my boot clipped part of the stand and clanged, and off she went, and I was NOT happy to say the least, would of been a 10 yard easy shot.

So my frustrations just turned to that poor little buck that was still around and looking for whatever was grunting at him, and I let out another series of grunts, and here he comes again, just to my east 7 yards, as I drew back my Longbow he came into a perfect shooting lane,  I decided it's time for some meat and let fly, the arrow struck true, easily a lung hit, as he crashed through the brush to the east.

Thor made it through!! But he's 5 pounds lighter!

Well, Thor made it through his "procedure" but due to the loss of his manhood he's a good 5 pounds lighter I swear, he "was" a well built pup.  Poor little guy, I was so sick to my stomach all day, then seeing the whining drunk puppy staring at me through the cage didn't help me any.  And apparently he wasn't any too happy with the two ladies at the vets office, he wouldn't let them anywhere near him. But the vet who did the surgery he had no trouble with, go figure.

Anyway, heart kind of sinks as I led him out of the vet's office as he staggered around like a drunkard, then he kept forgetting what he was doing when he had to go potty.  Lift his leg and just stand there dopey eyed.  Then of course he wanted to jump up in the truck, didn't really want him to do that, but think he'd listen?  Nope.  Whining off and on all night, would hardly sleep, just laid in secure spots and stared blankly off into space. Could hardly get a tail wag out of the little guy.

Loki was even bringing his prized toys and dropping them right by Thor off and on all night.  "here buddy, this will help, they did this to me also".

The next morning however,  GAME ON! He was raring to go and back to normal trouble causing little turd. Wanted to run all over jumping and playing like mad, me chasing him trying to get the little guy to calm down and not rip out his stitches.  Had to send him back to Burlington with Jeanne in hopes of him calming down without Loki and I to play with for a few days.

Apparently that's not going so well either hehe.  He's not used to being away from me at all. And misses Loki quite a bit also when they are apart.

Feels like winter coming!

Leaves turned quickly and are falling like rain, cold windy and rainy out, only thing this temperature is good for is HUNTING!! Thank God I can do that again, every day I feel so lucky to be able to be out and be able to hunt again, especially without having to have a babysitter.   And Jeanne is thankful that I don't need her to baby sit me constantly. 

As much as I loved hunting and fishing, that is what I've missed the most in my long struggle is that ability to do it whenever I wanted to, and have that taken away from me was so hard.  Now I can actually have a resemblance of normalcy back into why crazy world. 

On a different note. My Grandma had a nice birthday party for Amber and Dan's youngest today, her first birthday!  Nice time getting to see them as well as getting to chat with Phil and Jill again, really enjoy listening to their stories and my Dad just loves them do death.  Hopefully can get to see them more often. Good friends, good health good times.  And of course I have to play the creepy older step-brother to Amber which I know she adores.

So, we gained a few extra unwanted pounds, now back down to Dad's house and I'm putting up some patchwork insulation in my pop up camper so I don't freeze my tootsies off as the weather drops again tonight into the low 30's.  Last night was all right.  It does have a propane furnace which works well enough.  Installed smoke detector and carbon monoxide testers,  but I won't have the luxury of that heater if we camp this time of year where there is no electricity, so I'm trying to get by without using that.  Using emergency blankets to cover the windows, blankets to section off both pop up bed sections, layering on another set of blankets on top and under the sleeping bags.  

It's windy and cold out now, and was nice and toasty warm, but not 30 degree "warm" so we'll see how tonight goes :).

Ok, hunting. again I know right?  I'll keep it simple, sat in a ground blind, saw an enormous doe and her fawn again, but they just don't like coming anywhere near our blind.  Have to rethink that location of the blind I believe.

Moving on for now. Did dream I shot an African Lion and a doe last night on the farm, which I thought was odd?  And was dreaming I was back selling real estate again.  I really miss that job, loved it.  Felt horrible having to basically call in "sick" to my manager one late night, and say I just couldn't continue on because of this anxiety crap.  My living was gone. I missed 3 years of the best real estate buying and selling there ever was and probably ever will be again. 

Amber whined so, new blog post!

Sometimes I hate this laptop.  Had a whole blog written last night and accidentally hit the touch pad which apparently and occasionally highlights the entire post and deletes everything, oh well, shall try this again.

Anyway, I recall talking about hunting again, but I'll shorten it up some.  Been going out almost every night, just makes me feel so good to BE ABLE to go out on my own and do it.   Last night didn't work out the greatest, didn't see much of anything but turkeys and as I usually don't even take my medication with me hunting anymore, I was glad I did last night, was feeling like crap, wasn't even up in a tree, and just wasn't feeling good at all.  Oh well I survived.

However, I have two teeth giving out on me, that kept me up until 4 am this morning, and that makes life just so wonderful.  Could not get to sleep, I gave up and had a drink which knocked me out in about 30 minutes, I didn't want to, I want to completely give up any taste of the booze but I like the stuff, but it does not mix with me well anymore, it sets off anxiety, and with any meds in my system It is really not healthy.  Apparently I have an addictive personality, no I don't mean others can't do without me, we know that isn't true, I just tend to get addicted to, well tobacco and liquor.  I even completely taped up the entire bottle of booze with duct tape to ward off some of the spur of the moment temptations.  Well it worked for a bit.  But darnit didn't work long.  Booze just seems to suck life out of you, makes you not give a crap, saps your energy to get up and go, sure curbs the creative thinking.  I could go on and on, but that's my perspective.  Going without touching it for over a year, my eyes were opened a great deal how much you can accomplish without it.

Sadly I figured out I wouldn't die taking a drink while also on my medications, it may shorten it, which scares me, but apparently not enough.  Do I need help?  Well not professional, just a nudge to stop when I get the urge.

Interesting few days

                                                       The poor truck.

Well, was all excited to go hunting, then of course I get the phone call from Jeanne that she hit a deer outside Janesville, and by the steam coming from the front of the truck, yeah well not good. Of course that upset me a great deal, yeah should of asked if she was ok, but, like a "guy" was more concerned apparently for my vehicle (hey she wouldn't of called if she wasn't ok) so, I guess it was presumed.  But all I saw was dollar signs shooting out the billfold.  Good insurance yeah, but still a big pain in the ass. And my poor Ford Escape.  Now I get to wonder if the damage is enough that they will want to just "total" it, and hope I don't get screwed with insurance payout.

So, anyway, that of course sent my anxiety into it's own little overdrive, wasn't bad, but no way I was going to be able to drive over there to pick her up, or even ride along at this point.  So Grandma and Aunt Linda to the rescue!  They didn't get to Argyle until about 12:15 am.  In the meantime I was making phone calls to insurance agent to leave a message, I took care of calling the police and setting up all that crap.  Jeanne was a tad upset when she called, so spent the time calming her down,  I gave her little things to do at the time, to get her mind off it, didn't seem to take long.

Had her check on the deer, to see if it was hurting or dead, that took some prodding to do, have to tap on it's eyeball to see if there was any reaction, she apparently wasn't too thrilled about doing that,  finally achieved that and there was no reaction, so the deer didn't suffer at all, was dead on impact.  as apparent with the damage to the poor Ford.  Was hoping to keep the deer, but with that kind of hit on it, wasn't much meet left to be preserved.
                                                         
                                 the accident scene can see 1 small left over piece of the truck

Odds and ends

OK,  where do we start today?  We finally got a little rain,  what an odd sight that was, of course not nearly enough, need a couple inches.  But i'm sure we got just enough for the grass to grow uncontrollably, cut the grass, and it'll turn brown again.  *sigh*.   Otherwise, work continues on the trailers, every time I touch either of them there seems to be a bit more to do than I first saw,  even the smaller pop up camper, which I hoped was done, seems to be a bit more and a bit more ready to be looked at.

But, we're going to give it a try anyway.  Towing it back to Argyle this Friday, then up to Wisconsin Dells area on Monday.  Jeanne's family is going up there on Sunday a total of around 14 people going to be there not including Jeanne and I and the mutts.  So, we're going to go say hello for a day and camp up there for 2-3 days in that area.  Will be interesting and probably hot and humid.  But it will be during the week, so hopefully not crazy busy with tourists.

Probably going to park at Mirror Lake State Park, never been there that I recall, would like to see if there is anything there worth seeing.  Deciding if we want to find a nice kennel for one day for the dogs that pamper them, worries me leaving them anywhere with strangers.  Would be nice to go and enjoy a day but I think i'll be thinking and worrying about the boys the whole time.

Anyways.  I've found out that having a drink or two at night, is fun and all, but I sure don't feel like doing anything but sitting and staring off into space,  I slept like a baby the last 2 nights, but even though it's only two drinks I wasn't drunk or even feeling it, I sure feel like absolute crap for half the next day.  Just not worth doing it.  I like that I CAN have a drink now and then, was scared for a long time to try to have a drink being on medications, and what it might do, I'm sure it's not good for me, but whatever, not pounding down a whole bottle, a little nip now and then?? Maybe?

Roller Coaster Rides

Nah, not about amusement parks.  Living life of anxiety is full of ups and downs,  I know quite a few people with Bi-polar disorder and can sympathize with them as well.  Heck, maybe we're all messed in the head to some point or another anyway,  so why not just live on.  But, as far as my life goes, seems to rise and fall with some bouts of depression.  Have not had a lot of it since I've been "recovering" to normal life, but for some reason the last three days going on four now,  at least I assume anyway is due to some depression. as to what it's from i'm not really sure.

Working on these campers/trailers and making minimal progress, and not finishing one before really diving into the other probably didn't help.  But excitement was there and now it's dwindling a bit.  Need a refresher of some sort to get back on track.  Every gain right now seems to be off-set by two negatives.  Either way i'm not going to lose any money, just time invested even if I sold either or both trailer/campers right now, both are going to be substantial money gains.  But just getting to the end of what I'd like to have happen is trying.

So, that's what I'm putting my state of grumpy time to I think.  Spending so much time demolishing one, rebuilding another, then thinking of what it will cost me in materials, and then hope I get it back it out once I do, of course i'm worried, add stress, it's hot out, not enough sex ..........  errr moving on.

Just tired of feeling crappy for past few days.  SO dammit, I bought a bottle of booze to put it right on top of my crappy attitude tonight.  And for those who are curious?  Don't try this at home!!  Now and then I've decided to have a little nip.  Not much, just a little.  And for the first time in 3.5 days I smiled tonight. Yeah that's not good, and no I won't look to the bottle to solve issues, just felt like having a drink for a change,  I should not have one, tomorrow i'll pay for even for drink, and with my meds in my system it won't help things, and heck can't even think real clear as i'm writing this, so i'll have to read this tomorrow and see what kind of things I thought up.

Looking back, Mowing forward

Looking back, just something I haven't even given much thought to since I've been getting better.  Hard to believe it's been over a year (march 12th 2012) since I couldn't handle the panic attacks any more.  Still remember the dreadful days leading up to the visit to the emergency room.  And sitting and waiting and pacing for nearly 4 freaking hours in that emergency room.  Shaking, trembling, scared to death.

Yeah, was NOT real happy about that.  But dammit I was there, I was not leaving until I got help for this crap, no matter what.  But the memories of how bad I had gotten.  The misery I was in,  Blah, was just terrible, I can't imagine anyone ever going through that. I've talked to so many with panic and anxiety, literally hundreds, and thankfully nobody else I've come acrossed has had panic that bad.  Not a contest, but just glad is all.

So, over a year, and the leaps I've made to me is just unreal, going from what I was, to what I am now, boggles the mind truthfully.  Anxiety is still there, yeah.  probably always will be to some extent, at least

that's what the doctor "hints" at more or less.  But not being a prisoner to my own mind any longer is just plain awesome.  I still feel the need to take steps to make myself feel, well I guess "safe" while i'm out alone places, especially new places I haven't been.  Always have a cell phone with me, and I usually take my medications with me in case I need a bit more help.  But rarely do I ever take any extra.

Just being able to go to Argyle to see my family.  And be able to stay there while Jeanne goes back to Burlington.  For years I couldn't be more than a yell away from her.  Only person I felt completely safe with I guess?  Hard to explain it, so it's refreshing to say the least to not have to rely on that "need" and go do our own things when we want.

So, mowing forward, of course that anxiety and panic still rears it's ugly head occasionally, last few nights had some pretty tough times when I go to bed, have to get up for a while and paint, or get on the computer until it passes.  Had a few times in the car lately where I was ready to jump out, but it passes. So, it's all about fighting, learning and winning the battle, not letting it win, not giving in to it, remembering you won't die from it, just breathe, relax,think of something else and it'll soon go away.

Time to Start blogging again. The Hunt chapter one:

Alright, yeah I've been inconsistent with blogging, and lot of people have actually asked when I was going to start again,  so, here's to my public followers, and thank you for reading.

Ok, I left off I believe a good month ago, our big trip back to Argyle and my first time hunting since 1996, this really is a great year for me, first time fishing in about 12 years, first time hunting since "96".  Things really are moving forward, not FAST by all means, still have occasional issues, but damn, I'm going hunting.  If you ask Jeanne, was driving her nuts, I was SO excited to get going, was ready to leave a week before season opened.

Well time had come, and we took off, the 3 of us on our next journey, Loki as excited as I it seemed, he was a nervous wreck worse than I.  And once again, great trip had no problems riding in the car whatsoever,  but Grandma wasn't going to be home yet, she was still in hospital in Darlington after her second successful hip replacement, so after morning hunt on Saturday we'd go see her in the hospital, that'll be another step for me, another new place to visit, well not knew, but since my anxiety is slowly getting worked on, everything is new to me after so long in my mental prison, like learning to walk all over again.

Here comes Santa Clause! too early

Well, we got done with the Mukwonago house basically on the 1st for move in today,  last 3 days of working were 12 hour ones and I had come down with a nasty nasty cold, was miserable trying to focus and get crap done.  And I don't think anyone but Richard still has gotten a thank you for doing all the work for the mother in law.  That just eats at me terrible.  And I was messing with the kids in the kitchen a bit ago just now, and got a "why don't you go somewhere else from the woman again.   *sigh*.

So, I guess I look forward to seeing MY family coming up soon,  deer hunting starts on the 17th, I still plan on going, or at the least going over there for a few days, would love to stay for a week, but I'm sure Jeanne will go nuts being there too long without her internet.  I miss it a little, but after a couple days, you just forget about it, busy doing other things.

Brain damage? Nah it's all in your mind!

Since there is over 20 million americans alone who suffer from one or another ailment of anxiety, that's just in the United States,  millions more world wide, it can't be brain damage causing the anxiety, least not all of us.  So, when you hear "it's all in your mind, get over it", don't let it bother you.  Because they are right.  To a point.  It is all in your mind, but it's not like a fear of heights, snakes, spiders, whatever phobia ails many people.  It's just not the same, sorry.

With severe anxiety disorders, such as I have, more so "had", there is a pathway in your brain that has been somewhat, some way altered.  Basically meaning the previous daily routine now becomes difficult.  When you come to the daily routine, the pathway in your head that's been damaged in a manner,  what used to be second nature to achieve, now has this road block.  And it is physically there in your brain, it's not imagined, the pathways have actually changed. That's what cause severe anxiety.  You have to actually form a new pathway, by basically relearning what used to come natural to you, and bypass the old block in the path.

So, when you hit that block, you now start to worry. "oh no, yesterday I had a panic attack when I was going to walk the dog, I better not do that today."  And that leads to no longer doing that particular thing.  Then you are working in the garden, have a panic attack for whatever reason,  guess what,  new block in a pathway.  And that according to the doctors is truly there and happening.  Your brain regenerates the pathways, but you have to form them also, you learn constantly.  With helps from medication making it easier to rebuild your path, you will get less blocks.

It's not like a fear of spiders, where if you constantly subjected yourself handling them until your fear was gone, which may work not sure, I hate spiders, where as anxiety the fear isn't really seen, it's felt, and you'd think you would be able to control your own body, since the brain is part of it, but it's a miraculous thing that brain, some smaller than others :)  but with blocked pathways built up, especially in myself having built up a lot of road construction upstairs over 10 long years,  it's basically like learning to walk all over again.

So, yep it's all in your head, they are right, but those that don't believe in panic and anxiety, aren't informed completely on what is truly the whole story.  So, next time you hear, it's all in your head, get over it,  agree with them, and maybe educate them a little on the part they missed.

Moving on.  I've been bad about keeping up with my posts lately, as winter approaches i've been trying to push myself doing different things than normal, since i'll be locked up inside i'm sure more when it's cold out.  Therefore i've lost a lot of interest in my posts, sadly.  Was really enjoying seeing nearly a hundred people a day viewing the blog and growing, it's really dropped off, my fault I know.

News on the homefront.  Went to the dogpark nearly at dark last night, didn't take any medication yesterday, well took my regular ones, but not the "relaxant" ones that i'm supposed to take morning and night,  but I wanted to challenge myself to ride to the park, and do it without "help".  And I was pretty darn jumpy, but survived it ok, no damaged pathways.  Soon as I got home, I looked at the med bottle put one in my hand, and then put it right back in the bottle.  Lifted weights for 15 minutes and painted for a half hour instead.  Screw you anxiety.

I'll be trying that again without meds, i'll take them with.  Sometimes just having the miracle medication around, is like a kid with a blanket, makes you feel safe.  But that's why I wanted to go without. You take the meds long enough they start becoming habit, you "need" them.  Just like alcohol becomes a habit or smoking or whatever.  So, I need to be able to do this without relying solely on the meds or face addiction, habit, or a blanket that I need for comfort always.  I survived it without a full blown attack, so I don't "need" them that much anymore.  But do need to keep myself going for a while yet, I'm ready to walk, just not quite ready to run apparently.

Let's see,  Loki's allergy issues or whatever it really is,  finally seems to be healing up, so soon it'll be time to call the Vet and get his nuts wherever they are chopped.   I'm not looking forward to it, he don't know it's coming, but I guarantee if he did, he'd not look forward to it either.  I'm sure a lot more than I.  But, they haven't dropped after 7 months, they aren't going to.

Bought one of those trail cameras, trying to figure it out, seems straight forward but sure not getting much at night, supposed to have 55 to 60 foot infrared range, which is very good distance for these cameras and 8 megapixels, also very good.  But night time range i've tested isn't getting more than about 10 feet.  Anyway, trying to get pictures of the damn coyotes that keep invading us, and it gives me something new and different to do.

We'll see what happens. 

Later,

Lance

Family visit and back to same old same old

Well, finally got rid of the family that was down to visit *JUST KIDDING*.  Always great to see them, and keeps me wanting more time with them.  Paid back Grandma for the weight I put on when I was over to them last,  Had to laugh when she weighed herself in the bathroom, "FOUR POUNDS!" I put on 4 lbs since we were here.  Hehe.    And she also mentioned she found the pine cone I stuffed in her shoe about a week after we had left Argyle.  Somehow I got blamed for it.  *shrug* dunno why.

Love that lady.  But it did seem like we didn't stop eating or munching the entire time we were together.  Best food from our family I tell ya. Heck with Paula Dean lol.   OH, that's right, wonderful family heh, I knew about time they would be here on Monday, so Loki and I walked towards town about 1/2 mile to "meet them" more or less, I figured they'd drive by and leave us stranded, which they did,  Greg leaning out the window asking which way to Burlington as they laughed and whooshed by me trotting behind with Loki in tail lol.

Packers, what is wrong with you!

Bad weekend for Wisconsin football geez.  We need a new defensive coordinator, time to say goodbye to Capers and promote Kevin Greene the linebackers coach,  and order a new pair of hands for Finley, "elite" tight end my butt.   And Badgers? wow you guys didn't look worth a crap, enough said.   We need a running game all the way around in Wisconsin apparently.

Anyway.  Waiting on the family to arrive, should be about a hour now, and last night the excitement of seeing them again had me a tad on the edge, couldn't sleep worth a crap, so i'm dead dog tired.   Speaking of dead dog,  coyotes keep picking away at Niko's grave site, and it's REALLY starting to piss me off.  All I have for weoponry is my longbow and a few arrows, have my 2 pistols from my law enforcement days but no ammo, need a long rifle to deal with the issue.  But before getting doctor help, I honestly didn't trust myself with any weopons around as bad as I was feeling with my anxiety.

But now, any thoughts like that are long gone.

Figuring out some issues

Going to skip over a few days to get right to the present time, because I've been having some bad flare ups of anxiety the last week.  Biggest thing I believe I can attribute to it, is I've been playing some computer games for quite a long time at night for past 4-5 days.  Today at home wasn't feeling great, needed to go to the hardware store for a part for a light fixture.  Wasn't comfortable going there, and was ready to scream in the store, couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I've been to this store already, just once but it was still not foreign to me.

But i'm really quite pissed off at this panic i'm feeling.  Or more so annoyed with letting it get to me, and probably causing it myself.  I know playing video games and sitting on my ass leads to issues with anxiety every time.

Final Day and heading home!

Last day on the farm, not sure if I'm ready to go back or not, but pretty sure other home would fall apart without Jeanne and I there,  grass will be 2 feet tall, hopefully someone fed the kids!!
Got up nice and early, beautiful almost chilly nights sleep, what a change from the heat,  did the morning Loki saying hello ritual to Grandma and Linda, then outside for a little walk and the potty dance, and chased a few grasshoppers around,  Loki's new favorite toy.

Another big breakfast and then Dad stopped up early,  I mentioned seeing some old pictures and talking about family, and family history, so I dug around in the attic and a couple other spots I still remembered Grandma usually kept keepsakes, and sure enough we spent probably the next 3 hours with our noses buried in family history.  What a joy that was, and pictures that were dating back to the 1860's of our family, Wow that was fun.  Spent so long at it almost forgot about lunch, which we dug into once again, then right back to a new "old" box of photos.  Going back to my dad's dad, dad, errr whatever that is hehe. 

Day 4: So good to be home!

Day 4:  Dad and I were going fishing this morning!   Yeah right Jim stayed til 1:00 am, I found that out later, but had figured he would stay late and Dad would be in bed.  But of course this morning I awoke at 5:00 am and checked out the window to see if his truck was here, then back to bed, check at 6 no dad, check at 7 no dad hehe.   So, Loki and I went for a walk after saying good morning to the ladies of the house.
After another wonderful breakfast,  I think today was Linda's omelette, couldn't believe how good it was, best i've had.  I think so far just being home that all food just tastes better on the farm, kinda weird eh? 
Pretty uneventful morning just sat and chatted about whatever with Grandma and Linda and waited for Jeanne to begin her day,  *not a morning riser*  hehe.  Loki was finally getting over his anxiety a bit, takes him a while to get accostomed to a new place,  and he was beyond getting spoiled by Grandma now, he'd sit right by her at every meal, instead of me, quite funny,  Grandma just can't resist feeding others especially our furry companions.