I suppose I better bbbbblog for a bit

Gun season is here weeeee.  I look forward to the first hour of gun season and that's it.   Don't have enough deer the way it is, and so many people just kill and kill and kill.  The saying of "if it's brown it's down" just sucks I hate it.  Too many hunters see brown no matter what size the deer and just kill and kill.  Then wonder why we have no deer around anymore.  Idiots.

Well opening day I saw a lot of does and fawns and a couple small bucks, but don't need the meat really, only going to shoot a trophy buck, but at least I saw deer.  Sadly most the deer I saw are probably dead now.

But whew was it freezing cold as heck both Saturday and Sunday. Wow it was cold, then today we got 2.5 inches of the white stuff and still cold as heck out.  Only thing nice about that frigid temperature is not many guys are out and about that's for sure.  At least that will save some deer.   Hope the snow leaves soon, makes gun hunting way too easy for everyone to see the deer, track the deer etc etc.

The hunt continues with not much progress

Been a few days since I've posted.  Been so busy hunting and running around just haven't taken the time.  Soon as you get done hunting in the morning, time you get 14 layers of clothes off from trying to keep warm and dry, you are ready for a nap.  But then just when you wanna do that, you are hungry, make breakfast then you are really sleepy.  Sit down for a bit, relax food coma sets in, stand up to take a nap, then another hunter friend stops in to chat.  One friend leaves someone else stops by, pretty soon, it's lunch time.  Phones ringing, more people stop by.  next thing you know it's 3 o'clock and time to get ready for hunting again.

I tell you this hunting for food is work!!  The cavemen did indeed have it nice without having to worry about phone calls, and they probably just speared anyone that stopped by to say "hello" when it was nap time.  Then they had more food.   Hmmm.

Anyway,  hunting is still great fun, the deer stands are still tough at times,  a few of them seem to be great for my brain to handle, some not so much.  But having killed 2 deer already.  I'm pretty good on meat for the winter into spring, so the pressure is off on that, now I can just wait for a "real buck" been a long time, I want a big one. Gun hunting doesn't count that much in my book, too easy.

Getting easier to sit in tree stands!

Didn't even notice until today, but getting in stand and staying in the stands is getting easier and easier, feel much more comfortable.  So that's a huge upside,  downside is, can't get any good sized bucks to actually make an appearance at least close enough to shoot anyway, getting frustrated.  Dad and I saw all kinds of bucks running around this morning, 3 only had one antler , one side missing, we have some really crappy bucks around here.

I did see one that was an actual shooter but of course he was hot on a does butt, 150 yards away and wanted nothing to do with me, and that buck had a forky behind him, and then a button buck got on his tail.  pretty funny.   Saw a ton of big Turkey gobblers come by this morning also.  So we sat in the same spots tonight, figured they'd still be chasing that doe around in there tonight.  But we both blanked, not a darn thing moving anywhere.  What a boring night.

Went for a cruise around  Josh's hunting area with Jason the other night, and only saw 124 deer, and about 15 bucks 4 really nice ones.  *sigh*  wish we had that kind of deer around.  Couldn't even drive down the road, there was deer walking right down the road, crossing everywhere, laying five feet off the road, it was insane.  Haven't seen 124 deer since beginning of bow season around Argyle combined, maybe half that. Let alone ONE night of driving around.

Winter is here?

Nice seeing the white stuff falling for a little while, but go away hehe.  sure is pretty out though.  Fun on deer stand, you can see everything so much clearer and further.  But alas,  I didn't see a darn thing tonight.  Everyone else did that hunts with us saw a bunch, but not me what the heck.  And it was a frigid night on stand for sure.  My butt kept freezing to the seat on the stand.   Wind howling, looked like a great night after a storm moving through but not for me.

Anyway, last 4 days been up and down, have a good day then bad day , rinse repeat.  Today been great, but the deer stands been winning,  well I shouldn't say that.  right now we're even 2 to 2.  Made it through two nights without having to get out and relax on the ground for a bit, other two nights I was up and down several times, those nights of course would explain lack of seeing anything at all, not tonight, was real good.   This morning same.  But first night back I was a mess,  I was up and down 5 times and never did settle down.  Oh well, I'll keep fighting.

Stayed in the camper last 3 nights, however, tonight and at least tomorrow I'm going to chicken out, down to zero windchill and windy, the furnace works good, but propane isn't that cheap after awhile, so I'll just have to go inside for a couple nights then back out.  Just love it in that little camper.  Quiet, peace of mind, no phones ringing.  Peaceful.  Except the 20 mph winds shaking the thing all over.

Thought a couple random pictures were needed lol

OK, so roads were looking a little slick today, talked Jeanne into staying until tomorrow, she'll make the trek back to Burlington for a while, I'll stay here and keep trying to find my "good" buck.  Yeah I shot two little ones, but hey, I haven't shot a deer in 15 years, I'm entitled I think to thinning the herd a bit right?

I'm good on meat now, two deer will get me through winter and then some, so I don't really need another one, BUT  I really want to shoot a good buck, been too long.

Been and interesting year,  lots of ups and downs and breakthroughs.  No set backs worth even mentioning.  Can't wait for the next year to see what challenges I can tackle.

Anyway,  mostly just been hunting and pushing myself more than I should probably, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

See you tomorrow.

Lance

Thor made it through!! But he's 5 pounds lighter!

Well, Thor made it through his "procedure" but due to the loss of his manhood he's a good 5 pounds lighter I swear, he "was" a well built pup.  Poor little guy, I was so sick to my stomach all day, then seeing the whining drunk puppy staring at me through the cage didn't help me any.  And apparently he wasn't any too happy with the two ladies at the vets office, he wouldn't let them anywhere near him. But the vet who did the surgery he had no trouble with, go figure.

Anyway, heart kind of sinks as I led him out of the vet's office as he staggered around like a drunkard, then he kept forgetting what he was doing when he had to go potty.  Lift his leg and just stand there dopey eyed.  Then of course he wanted to jump up in the truck, didn't really want him to do that, but think he'd listen?  Nope.  Whining off and on all night, would hardly sleep, just laid in secure spots and stared blankly off into space. Could hardly get a tail wag out of the little guy.

Loki was even bringing his prized toys and dropping them right by Thor off and on all night.  "here buddy, this will help, they did this to me also".

The next morning however,  GAME ON! He was raring to go and back to normal trouble causing little turd. Wanted to run all over jumping and playing like mad, me chasing him trying to get the little guy to calm down and not rip out his stitches.  Had to send him back to Burlington with Jeanne in hopes of him calming down without Loki and I to play with for a few days.

Apparently that's not going so well either hehe.  He's not used to being away from me at all. And misses Loki quite a bit also when they are apart.

Beautiful Night To Be Out

Well, after not feeling the greatest for a few days, really starting to feel good again, haven't drank any booze for three days, so that should tell you something.  I guess I have to be on the wagon forever.  But, for the price of feeling good and not having the lingering issues that come with booze, I guess I'll take it.

But what a beautiful night to be out in the woods.

What's new?

Well, not a ton of news, love the new Dodge, thinking of getting FORD decals for it, so I don't feel quite as odd driving it. last 4 vehicles have been Fords, grew up with Fords. Oh well, nobody will recognize me in a Dodge, I guess that's something eh?  The thing is bright red, that'll surely go unnoticed as well.  Maybe I will spray paint it camouflage or all black. That should up the value.

Anyway, not great on gas, it is a beast of a vehicle. Room of a minivan inside, tons of storage space and can tow a whole lot more than our Escape did.  Which we will hopefully need.

Ok, on to the hunt!  Some may recall last fall, I went gun hunting for deer for also the first time in at least 15 years, and needed a baby sitter next to me opening day, and slowly after that no longer needed someone right by me, but nearly within screaming range, or at least by phone and quick rescue by Coast Guard!  This is a two part story I guess.... Now I rarely even take my medicine in with me for that "just in case I really feel rotten" times.   So, I am progressing with that, taking away my crutch having my meds is a big step for me and no longer needing anymore remotely close is also a great upswing.

Also, last fall I was totally unable to get in a tree stand of any sort off the ground. Well shouldn't say that, I got in one very easy, and was ready to launch myself right back out face first I got such a panic attack so quickly, I hung on to the top rung the rest of the night shaking, but did not want to give in and go all the way to the ground and let another fear rule of me.

So, this year bow-hunting, it's so much better to be up in the air, can see game coming, they can't see you as easy, and so on and on and on.  So, I am determined to win that battle, and have had some success.  First couple nights I looked up at that stand, and just shook my head and said the heck with it,  right now I am just happy being able to hunt on my own and not have to be concerned about help, or taking medicine to get by.  A  couple of nights I stood in the stand for a little THEN I felt like screaming and launching myself out.

So, tried a different approach, I started climbing just up in trees without stands,  I only got up to 12 or 13 feet, which is better than a kick in the butt, and had no trouble at all.  So I progressed with that approach, and finally got up in a "man-made" stand the other night,  and sweated and shook and hyperventilated all night, but I made it through 2.5 hours of it.  So, it starts, next time maybe it will be easier, maybe not.  Everything new is a fight with anxiety,  and everything you don't do on a regular basis becomes a struggle again.  Like lawn mowing.  I got to the point this summer when I was so comfortable on one again I almost fell asleep several times.  Now it's been close to a month since I have had to be on one, or couldn't be due to rain or whatever.  Today was a struggle again.  Was having immediate anxiety problems trying to cut down the hayfield of a front yard.

Holy cow, nobody has ever died from anxiety!

Did you know that?  Well according to a Google search on the matter at least, worldwide studies have shown that anxiety and panic attacks will not kill you!  Whew what a relief.  In my worst times, I wish it did kill me, because it sure as heck felt like it.

But when I finally reached the lowest depths I could, and decided now, now is the time, it must end, not my life, but the beginning of a new life a new world.  I was going to the hospital and that's it, I knew I would be scared to death going there, being there, but it's a hospital.  They know what to do for anxiety problems, sure It sucked waiting there, but life began again for me that night, I was reborn.  Thank god.

SO, I totally agree that no matter what is thrown at you with anxiety, it sure as heck won't kill you, no matter how bad it seems.

Wonderful cycle of anxiety and panic.  It's so odd how it works, so complex yet so simple.  It's amazing how fast you can talk yourself into a panic attack, and just like that, it's gone just as fast. The problem is, without medical help for most people, the panic gets worse the longer you wait, gets easier and easier to go into full blown panic for more and more things, quicker, they will last longer and make it harder to overcome, sleep becomes far and between.

Anyway, 10 years of hell, and a year and half of recovery so far, and growing with every day, and all it took was one trip to the hospital, and determination that I wasn't leaving until I got the help I needed, and a course of follow up action to keep anxiety and panic further out of reach each day there after.  Every day is no longer a struggle anymore, sure panic jumps in now and then, but as quick as it comes it goes away.

It won't kill you! Might feel like it though.....

Yeah anxiety and the related issues with it, especially agoraphobia, is so debilitating that it can feel like you are slowly dying most the time until a nasty panic attack hits you, then you are certain you are going to die, right then and there,  but apparently it doesn't I'm still here,  I think?  Once you get forced indoors due to agoraphobia, you are backing yourself into such a small world that eventually you will be scared of doing anything at all, you can try to get into routines that helps for awhile, but soon, anxiety grabs a hold of those and makes you constantly change who and what you are.

As I spoke yesterday about my new friend who is in the aggressive state of anxiety, panic and agoraphobia,  I sympathize so much for her, and remember for myself the pain and anguish I went through, and what I put those around me through.  If you don't have panic yourself, you just can't imagine the pain and suffering it's like, and when you feel like everyone is against you, telling you to "just snap out of it"  it hurts, it's simply not that easy, especially when you get into the agoraphobia stages of being basically scared to death of the outdoors anymore.  For me that was enough to not want to live anymore.  I couldn't hunt, fish, hike, bike, not a damn thing I grew up worshiping doing.

So, when my new friend tells me she lives 1 mile from a hospital, oh boy has that struck home.  As I've written before in early blogs, It took me 2 visits to the hospital about 8 years apart in time to fix my issues.  The first time was in the ambulance, and I couldn't follow through with appointments after I got home, mainly because I just didn't have enough of the medications I'm on now to get me well enough to brave the trips.

The 2nd visit, I lived only 1 mile from the hospital.  Seems like karma here.  But I was in such a dark desperate place, I had simply no choice any more.  I can't even explain again, just how bad it was, in winter I had to go outside in shorts with no shoes and stand in the snow until the pain was so bad it got the anxiety to go away for a matter of minutes, yes minutes only, I was in total terror everyday for about 2 months.....  SO,  that was IT, I told Jeanne, I don't care if it kills me I'm going to the hospital right now,  of course I knew it wouldn't kill me, I've been through everything that could be thrown at me already, a 60 second car ride is NOT going to kill me, and I'm going to a place that, well, what better place to go than a hospital?  Whatever you got they can help you,  I wasn't worried about freaking out, or going nuts, I was GOING to get help and was not leaving until I got what I knew what would help me.

And that's what I did.

There is always hope.....

Part of the reason I started this blog is in hopes I'd reach others with the same issues I have, and hopefully be there for them if they needed help, or just so they know they aren't alone, because this disease seems to alienate you from the rest of the world at times, and you know family and friends support to get through the tough times. And most times like others out there, you basically need to have a baby sitter around for yourself just to feel safe.  And that surely doesn't help your self esteem much.  But it's how the terrible world of anxiety and panic works.

Today, I was messaged by a beautiful young lady that had seen my blog and was seeking for answers and help from anywhere in the world it would possibly come from.  We became friends on Facebook,  and shortly after that we were on the phone together, discussing our stories of how anxiety, depressions, panic disorders and agoraphobia had taken over our lives.

I was and am SO excited for the opportunity to help her through her rough times as she's suffering the same things I went through, and of course still today have some issues, but I can actually live my life again now, and I want her to enjoy what I do now, due to taking a huge step and actually getting help.  That is the biggest fear of anxiety is actually getting help, especially if you are at the point that this young lady and I share in common,  we are and were in a very bad place, and didn't know how to get out of it.  Taking that step to actually get to the Doctor is so frightening, I personally put off that frightful ordeal so long, I just fell deeper and deeper into the prison in my mind.  The longer you dwell on your fears of going, the longer you make up excuses why you can't go, or won't go, the harder it is to walk out that door into the huge world that seems like it's putting the pressure of the world on you.

Actually looking forward to Burlington return

At this point, we have returned to Argyle, and settling in for the weekend, and we'll have to return Sunday, as my medication I take once a day will run out, and I really have to take that one. Need to talk to my doctor about it, because I don't think I need that particular one.  He has me on three of them,  one I take only as I think I need it, and it's an addictive one supposedly, since it's a narcotic called Lorazepam.  It calms your nerves basically.  But I'm well ahead on taking that mad, probably have a month and a half supply now, because I just don't take it very often, but good to have just in case I have issues like I did in the Dells.

But the one that supposedly isn't addictive, if I miss it for one day, I feel "strange" if I miss it for two days I normally have a pretty good panic attack.  Now,  is the drug really helping?  Or is my body withdrawing?  Or, well, I'll have to ask him I guess,  it's only a 75mg one called venlafaxine,  he had me on 150mg once, and holy crap, that wasn't good, took those for maybe 5 days and wanted to throw them in the river.  Horrible dreams with nasty nightmares, odd thoughts, etc etc.  Back to the 75mg and still wonder what exactly they are doing to me.

OK, anyway,  since my episode in the Dells, actually a couple, I just haven't been feeling like myself as I've got to know since I have been getting better.  Just couldn't get myself settled completely.  Really needed to get back to Burlington for a bit.  A lot of the pressure I think I was feeling, was just from going to the Dells in general.  A lot of new adventures I hadn't been ABLE to do for, well going on 12 years now.  So, I think it was  bit overwhelming altogether, and after that I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty directions at once.

To the Dells we go... tomorrow

Alright, so we headed to Argyle with our newly refurbished pop-up camper.  Of course we set it up once we got to Argyle to finalize a few things, and of course that lead to, well it wasn't completely done being refurbished, but oh well. it's close enough for now.  Will finish a few odds and ends that were overlooked a bit. Minor things at least.  The campers sure are neat, more or less just a step up from tent camping with your butts off the ground.  Tows great, nice and smooth, Jeanne was a nervous wreck for the 2 hour drive, but she's never had to tow anything before, so it was expected.

Probably didn't help that whenever she got comfortable, i'd say something like, hmm I think the tires may be going flat, or should it be swaying like that?   There was nothing wrong, but I'm kind of demented and like to give her a hard time hehe.

But anyway, it's up, it's cool, we like it and were going to take it all the way to the Dells this weekend with my Dad, Jeanne and I and the two dogs.  But once we looked at what the weather is going to be??  Mid-90's hot and humid maybe only 70's at night?  We think towing it another 2 hours north from Argyle, to be hot all day,  and maybe miserable at night, might just be worth a motel room for a couple nights until we get an air conditioner for the camper.

Fell asleep about 3:00 am this morning finally, had to take some of my meds I don't like to HAVE to take, but finally they worked, but at 5:45am I see these eyes posted below looking at me, about that far away, whining and a little kiss on my nose.. "daddy I gotta go potty".....

anxiety is a funny adversary,, not

No clue what's causing it, but knowing how anxiety works I  have a couple thoughts.   For the past 3 nights been having terrible troubles sleeping. Soon as I lay in bed, I start getting uncomfortable,  anxiety uncomfortable.  Start having trouble breathing, that sends me into the next step of worry, then pretty soon, i'm fidgeting all over, worry and stress about why it's happening, then pretty soon, I'm in a full blown panic attack mode.  Now, that said the attacks don't consume me like they used to.  I deal with them as long as I can then I get up and do something until they pass.  But that's now 1:30 or 2:00 am that i've been struggling.

And I like to get up at 6:00 am with the dogs, go for a walk with them, get them and myself exercise that helps keep the anxiety demons at bay for them and myself.  My first thought on the matter is.  I started shooting my longbow in preparation of archery deer season next month.  I haven't shot a bow in 15 years.  Muscles I haven't had a use for are now awaken from a dark cave and dorment area.  That new pain and sensation I'd rather not have, and wasn't used to made me uncomfortable the first of the 3 sleepless nights.

So, I believe that's what set it in motion, is some real pain in a new muscle area that hadn't been around since I was in my 20's lol.  Nonetheless, it triggered a few worries that shouldn't of mattered, but whatever, they did.  And now i've grown a new pathway in my brain that going to bed means i'm going to be uncomfortable and have a panic attack.. Poof,, there it is, 3 nights running now,  it's 1:30 am as I type this to get it off my chest and out of my brain.  And the dogs will miss their morning mile or so walk cuz I'll be tossing and turning until 4:00 am with this crap.

So, I turn to one of my now growing mound of hobbies,  online games, painting, guitar, fixing things, ie: trailers and camping trailers etc.  training the dogs,  I really could go on, but those are the main ones, and I swap them out as necessary to keep my brain away from thoughts of panic and anxiety.  Lately i've been well enough I don't even take my medication with me when i'm out and about on my own.  Wise or not, i'm testing myself I guess.  I keep pushing my limits to see if , to see if there is one?  And if there is,  I find away through it and on to the next.  Worst thing I can do is let my panic i'm having as I type this with going to bed leak into ANY other part of my life.

I'll work through this like i've done everything else so far in my life, just relearning to walk again in another phase of my journey.
Anyone else with the issues? Don't dwell on em, just try to meet them head on, if you hit a brickwall, don't bang your head on it, use your head in another way, if it's bad enough,   Get some help, it's not a crime, or embarrassment to admit you need, or rather want help.  Want is a much better word.  I use the "need" word as a joke at this point.  Most people that know me well know my sense of humor is off the wall, slapstick and tom foolery.  And often hear,, "you need help" or "you just ain't right"  well no kidding,  I know that, and the State of Wisconsin agrees with me, duh.. i'm on disibility for anxiety disorder.

It's not funny, but , ah hell yeah it is.  I know mentally i'm fine, as in i'm not a danger to anyone or myself, I can be trusted with the elderly, sharp objects and kids...  Ok maybe not sharp objects, especially crow bars, crow bars and I have a love hate relationship , but i'll tell that story another time, kind of a painful one.  But yeah, i'm getting help from the state, I NEEDED it.  Now I just want help to continue my battle. I want to enjoy life as much as I can as normal as I can.  10 years without being able to wake up in the morning and smile for any reason was hard.  Hard on me, hard on my loving dog Simba and Jeanne of course.   I think Simba took it the hardest.  He couldn't understand what was wrong with me,  can't explain it to him,  he just knew the walks we went on were hardly ever going to happen again.

The games we played changed, i'd suddenly be unable to do much more than cry at times, to the point I was too scared to go outside at all, even to take him out to go potty, Jeanne would have to,  and all I had to do was open the patio door, walk 11 feet to his tie out, hook him up and go back in.  Couldn't do it.  too far, too scared, couple times I made it that far,  I RAN fast as I could back to the house,  crawled even one time it hit me so hard.  The world was a large scary place that I was not welcome in any longer.

Simba became my sensor. amazing dog.  I'd be sitting in a chair, and he'd come over and flop his big head in my lap and look up at me,  he could tell, I didn't even know, but there was a panic attack coming on, from who knows what, and sure enough within minutes,  BAM, and off my brain would go. I'd hold him as tight as he'd let me, he was there for me every step of the way, wanting to understand and to help.

Ok now I have tears, I miss him dearly and have to move on, his death wears on me still because of the years I couldn't be more for him than I was for many years.  That's why I have 2 dogs now that I spoil and spoil, and give them everything they need and more, and they give it right back ten fold.

Looking back, Mowing forward

Looking back, just something I haven't even given much thought to since I've been getting better.  Hard to believe it's been over a year (march 12th 2012) since I couldn't handle the panic attacks any more.  Still remember the dreadful days leading up to the visit to the emergency room.  And sitting and waiting and pacing for nearly 4 freaking hours in that emergency room.  Shaking, trembling, scared to death.

Yeah, was NOT real happy about that.  But dammit I was there, I was not leaving until I got help for this crap, no matter what.  But the memories of how bad I had gotten.  The misery I was in,  Blah, was just terrible, I can't imagine anyone ever going through that. I've talked to so many with panic and anxiety, literally hundreds, and thankfully nobody else I've come acrossed has had panic that bad.  Not a contest, but just glad is all.

So, over a year, and the leaps I've made to me is just unreal, going from what I was, to what I am now, boggles the mind truthfully.  Anxiety is still there, yeah.  probably always will be to some extent, at least

that's what the doctor "hints" at more or less.  But not being a prisoner to my own mind any longer is just plain awesome.  I still feel the need to take steps to make myself feel, well I guess "safe" while i'm out alone places, especially new places I haven't been.  Always have a cell phone with me, and I usually take my medications with me in case I need a bit more help.  But rarely do I ever take any extra.

Just being able to go to Argyle to see my family.  And be able to stay there while Jeanne goes back to Burlington.  For years I couldn't be more than a yell away from her.  Only person I felt completely safe with I guess?  Hard to explain it, so it's refreshing to say the least to not have to rely on that "need" and go do our own things when we want.

So, mowing forward, of course that anxiety and panic still rears it's ugly head occasionally, last few nights had some pretty tough times when I go to bed, have to get up for a while and paint, or get on the computer until it passes.  Had a few times in the car lately where I was ready to jump out, but it passes. So, it's all about fighting, learning and winning the battle, not letting it win, not giving in to it, remembering you won't die from it, just breathe, relax,think of something else and it'll soon go away.

Get off the roof!! No!

Back at the old farm in Argyle this weekend.  And sure enough Grandma puts me to work right away hehe.  Well not really, she needed her gutters cleaned, and figured I'd give it a go, someone has to, she can't do it. So, figured good time to see if I could get up on the ladder that high up, 6 months ago, wasn't any way I could.  Apparently I'm getting better.  Got them gutters cleaned out by golly.  Even got up on the roof and finished the gutters off that way, with help from Jeanne also.  Even have pictures proving I was up there hehe.

Heart was pounding like mad, but that's alright, took another step in the right direction.  And no, umm don't call me to do your gutters, it wasn't THAT much fun.

But, of course once Grandma saw that I was ready to work,  had me watering her garden, picking tomatoes and pulling off caterpillars that were chewing up the tomato plants.  And then burning a big brush pile for her.  Good to help her, done a lot for me over the years, but time to go back down to Dads house before she had me putting in overtime...........  Oh, well she deserves the love, do everything I can for her while she's still around, last grandparent I have, going to spoil her as long as I can.  I'm sure in her will she'll leave a chore list for me that'll last for 20 years.  I'm only partially kidding on that,  I think I can wait for a while!!

Oh, side note, got a strange call on my cell phone today,  someone in an eastern Indian accent, telling me there has been strange warnings coming from my computer, and wanted me to turn it on so they can check the problem,.... click, bye bye,  anyone have that happen to them, hangup unless you have requested help and can verify the caller. . It's an attempt to steal your identity.  Not sure why they'd want mine,  most days over past 10 years I couldn't give it away.  NOW they want it....... .guess I am getting better hehe.

So, anyway,  not sure I mentioned what my new hobbies are?  We basically stole a decent shape pop up camper for $40.00 at a goodwill type store.  And have been fixing that up, almost done with it.  Quite enjoy doing that,  either going to resell it, use it or rent it out.  I need an income anyway I can get it.  Had so much fun fixing that one up, for really not much cost.  I bought a 21 foot travel trailer, outside is nearly perfect, inside has to be gutted and restored,  cabinets are nearly perfect, toilet and shower are very good, power center looks good,  trailer and tires look very good, has electric assisted breaks.  Got that for a couple hundred bucks,  trailer alone worth nearly 500.  Could part the rest out and make probably 800 total or so.

But, going to work on it, fix it up, and do the same as the pop up.  Keeps me busy, but until they are done they just suck up what little money I have after my doctor bills soak up what they can.  But heck, if I could fix them up and resell buy a couple more, rinse and repeat,  IF they sell,  could make a pretty penny, or I'll have a whole fleet of them with nothing to do with.... oh boy.

On to the next topic at hand..... Since we've last talked last December, we added to our family,, no no Jeanne's didn't get pregnant,  Loki our now year and a half old husky "needed" a brother,  well I thought he did, he's less than pleased with the situation of HAVING a brother.... But alas,  I got him a brother none the less,  a royal pain in the butt 6 month old black and white blue eyed monster called THOR.  And boy oh boy do they love to pick and pick and pick and argue to each other,  and now Thor apparently going through his terrible 2's early and started chewing up stuff.   *sigh*  Great having 2 dogs................Started painting also a bit again,  hard to get back into it, and a little rusty after 6 or 7 months not doing it.  But it's coming back quickly, had nearly as many people telling me to get painting again as I did writing my blog,  one of these things have to start giving me some money darn it, I have too many "hobbies" for other people..

One problem I have painting..  The reason I started doing it about 4 years ago was to help keep some of my anxiety at bay.  And it helped a great deal at first.  I spent many a sleepless night up painting because of panics grip on me.  And it kept my mind off of the issues, sometimes enough to get 3-4 hours of sleep eventually.  But now when I paint that's what I think about,  the panic and anxiety,  I think when I paint now that I must not be feeling well .. it's not the case,  I feel ok, but I associate it with that so much it's hard to get started painting because of that past I have with it.

Same with guitar playing,  took that up about the same time as painting, as another thing to help keep my mind off of my problems.  Hadn't played in a long time, and my best friend Jeremy has a beauty of a guitar, one time we stopped there I restrung it for him, and we twanged on it for a bit.  And I kind of fell in love with guitars again,  and HIS guitar,  really nice one, compared to the piece of crap electric I had.  Of course I have two other guitars, very nice Washburn acoustic,  and a Washburn acoustic electric.  So I traded in my crappy electric at Guitar Center in Madison for a new Ephiphone Les Paul plus top.  What a beautiful guitar, plays great.   But I still have troubles like in painting, of picking it up and playing because of my previous reasons for learning guitar in the first place.   it seems to never end geeez.

IT IS BACK!!!

Been asked by, well a surprising amount of people, where is your blog?  Why no updates?  To be honest there is a couple reasons,  one I just got healthy enough I got sick of sitting on my ass and thinking of anxiety problems, and just started living more and more,  2nd?  Got tired of writing about it basically.

But, now that I pulled it out again, it's actually kind of nice to start again.  I'll have to try to catch up from where I left off last December I think it was, but for the mean time, I'm just going to be in the present here and a little of the past.

One other reason I decided it's time to pull this out and start writing again, is .....  A lot of people I've come across, friends and strangers alike, that suffer from a wide ranging ailment of anxiety and panic disorders and I've been able to talk openly and honestly with them how to help cope with their specific issues and problems, and to what from my vast experience in the matter can I'd say professionally state my opinion on what they can do for themselves to better their lives, and hopefully lessen or admonish completely the wondrous world of anxiety.

So, here I write, wondering about my own future.  I've overcome so much in a years time, quite amazing to me and probably others as well, as bad as I was March 2012.  It's really a miracle I think.  But you do reach a plateau in areas.

One issue I have,  if those that don't know, I am on disability from the state, and I have about a year left of my 3 years, and I think I'm probably well enough that I won't get an extension on that.  I didn't want to be on it in the first place,  but there is no way on earth I could of gotten to where I'm at today without it.  Unfortunately the amount it pays me a month isn't anywhere near enough to keep up with bills I have, and things I want to do personally to try to push myself further away from anxiety.

I've been able to work some with my cousin Matt, just to basically test the waters,  but I'm finding that I can only work with someone else, at least right now, that I know, am close to or trust, or all the above.  Not sure I could survive alone doing something, however the problems I had in the past mowing lawns seems to have dissipated considerably,  even to the point I've nearly fallen asleep a few times while riding on the mower.  Going from ready to jump off screaming after 5 minutes versus taking a nap, shows a heck of a lot of progress in my book.

But I do have issues from time to time doing it,  an unhealthy reminder that my life still feels the tug of anxiety trying to grasp me, so the work and push forward is never ending indeed.

Deer stand 2 : Lance 0 , chapter two the hunt continues

Well, after the eventful deer stand climbing season ended for the day, and I walked back to the car, where this time Jeanne and Loki were waiting for me instead of Jeanne going to stand with me.  As it was normally, I was afraid to go anywhere or do anything without Jeanne or Loki or both, but since arriving at the farm?  Almost immediately I was doing and going by myself, driving around the farm, going down to Dad's place with Loki,  besides the tree stand I was feeling absolutely great.

But this day had ended, and we drove back to grandma's,  then chatted at Dad's for awhile, back to grandma's for more chatting then off to early bed, for tomorrow would be another early rise.  Laid out my clothes, with a little more precision than the day before,  and I noticed the alarm clock was set, however the clock seemed to be ever so slightly moving closer to Jeanne's side of the bed,  I wondered what could be happening here, although I knew already.  I'll be watching that closely here on out.  She's sneaky that way I tell you.

Anyway,  we awoke to the alarm clock, but she was quick to slap it and roll back in bed,  but I heard it enough to get up and get moving, and down stairs for food, Loki hot on my tail to say good morning,  and jumped up on Linda's lap on her chair to get her moving also.  About time I finished eating Jeanne come zombie like into the kitchen.  Shortly after we were off, her and Loki would take a nap in the car while I went off on my own into the great beyond,  well maybe 300 yards from the car near where I was the previous night on stand, where I couldn't handle the actual getting into stand,  anyway, this was on the other side of that timber on the east side.

Time to Start blogging again. The Hunt chapter one:

Alright, yeah I've been inconsistent with blogging, and lot of people have actually asked when I was going to start again,  so, here's to my public followers, and thank you for reading.

Ok, I left off I believe a good month ago, our big trip back to Argyle and my first time hunting since 1996, this really is a great year for me, first time fishing in about 12 years, first time hunting since "96".  Things really are moving forward, not FAST by all means, still have occasional issues, but damn, I'm going hunting.  If you ask Jeanne, was driving her nuts, I was SO excited to get going, was ready to leave a week before season opened.

Well time had come, and we took off, the 3 of us on our next journey, Loki as excited as I it seemed, he was a nervous wreck worse than I.  And once again, great trip had no problems riding in the car whatsoever,  but Grandma wasn't going to be home yet, she was still in hospital in Darlington after her second successful hip replacement, so after morning hunt on Saturday we'd go see her in the hospital, that'll be another step for me, another new place to visit, well not knew, but since my anxiety is slowly getting worked on, everything is new to me after so long in my mental prison, like learning to walk all over again.

Here comes Santa Clause! too early

Well, we got done with the Mukwonago house basically on the 1st for move in today,  last 3 days of working were 12 hour ones and I had come down with a nasty nasty cold, was miserable trying to focus and get crap done.  And I don't think anyone but Richard still has gotten a thank you for doing all the work for the mother in law.  That just eats at me terrible.  And I was messing with the kids in the kitchen a bit ago just now, and got a "why don't you go somewhere else from the woman again.   *sigh*.

So, I guess I look forward to seeing MY family coming up soon,  deer hunting starts on the 17th, I still plan on going, or at the least going over there for a few days, would love to stay for a week, but I'm sure Jeanne will go nuts being there too long without her internet.  I miss it a little, but after a couple days, you just forget about it, busy doing other things.

Stress stress stress

Well yeah, been awhile, October been just brutal month of constant running with really no pay off it seems.  Just stress and more of it.  So, without further introductions,  I guess i'll try to catch up where I left off.

Last time I posted was about 16 days ago, which seems like 2 years. The month started with Jeanne having to take her dad to milwaukee for his radiation treatments.  So, I'm home alone, which yeah big deal right?  Well she's gone from 3-5 hours, that's new for me over the past 10 years, so that raised stress levels way up, but surprisingly didn't really effect my anxiety, in the past that would of driven me into a frenzy, but I survived it, only lasted a couple weeks I guess.  What's funny about it,  her Dad would drive 30 minutes to Burlington to meet with Jeanne then have her drive using our gas, so he could save money.  So nice of him.  That's part of my stress I live around, it's little things

But, my main cause and concern, and yeah i'll get yelled at for posting I guess the issues I have with my mother-in-law, but if you don't want to read about it, don't read it here!  First of all she don't like men, so strike one on me, no she's married, seperated of course, just doesn't like guys, and most women the way it seems, unless she's trying to impress someone then you see a different person, soon as they are gone, back to same old same old.

This will take a bit to go through.