Happy Easter!

Well, Happy Easter everyone.  good meal good times with family.  Enjoy them while they are with you.

Interesting start to the day for me, staying at my Dad's for the weekend festivities, as per usual I get at sunrise when I'm in Argyle, and I have no idea why it is when I'm back at home in Burlington I'm like a sloth getting out of bed.  It's not unusual that I can't get myself moving until at least 7:30 even 8:00 am sometimes, but in when I'm back home on the farm?? No problem, bright and early and ready to rock and roll.

But anyway, the interesting part started after I did my routine visit to Grandma's house, which I do normally every morning by 7:00 am whenever I'm in Argyle, good for my anxiety issues to get out and start moving with my two boys... Loki and Thor, yes they are dogs, Siberian Huskies.  But today it was different, yeah it's Easter, but.. ok anyway..

Long time no see!

I know it's been a long while since I have written a new blog in here.  So many people have asked me to keep writing it.  So let's do that here quick, get some people caught up in my life I guess.  I just haven't felt motivated to write lately, been trying to live life outside of a computer.  But it keeps dragging me back into it.!!

Alright here goes nothing!   From you loyal followers to someone that doesn't have a clue what I am talking about.  Neither do I!!  SO we are in the same boat.   Which is weird, there is no water where I am sitting.  So the boat is somewhat odd placement.

Moving on.  Some know some do not. I'm on disability for my anxiety problems that still persist on a daily basis.  And let me tell you I don't get much, after paying doctor bills, car insurance for a vehicle I can rarely drive, and daily expenses etc etc,  Not much left to go with.

The thing Is the only job I can really do with a certainty is from the computer at home, basically have to still have a "babysitter"  when I go out and about.   Jeanne is the default choice there, she's a trooper with that, but after 12 years of the ups and downs,  I try not to be TOO much of a pain to have my taxi service waiting for me to holler.

Nice to be Back in Burlington!

Well, didn't feel like blogging much for last 4-5 days, thanks to my Dad, we had a really nasty cold since last Tuesday, so the Thanksgiving holidays basically sucked, hunting was out of the picture as well as just trying to get off the couch to pee.  Couldn't hardly taste any of Grandma's thanksgiving meal.  And we left for Burlington on Friday morning, which I slept through most of the trip home. 

I am in charge of the turkey for the Burlington clan,  even though I felt crappy yet, we're still fielding calls on how wonderful the turkey was hehe.

So anyway, today starting to feel better I guess, light cough yet, and weak as heck,  Jeanne still going through the same crap, but she doesn't sound as bad as I did, so maybe she got lucky and didn't get the full force of it.  The bad thing also is, we gave it to Grandma Eva, which really sucks, I hate to see her get any kind of illness.  Not that I want anyone else to get this nasty cold from us, but sharing is better than giving right???

But, Thor and I are back in the big town.  Since mid-September, I don't think I've spent more than a week total here.  Really is nice to get back for awhile.  Dad and I needed a break I think.  We're too much alike in a lot of ways, and as well as we get along these days, it's almost like Siamese twins after awhile, and you just need to separate somehow.

Revenge on one deer!

The deer hunt continues, and they are moving around, but so much corn yet, they mostly aren't coming out til after dark. But a couple nights ago, I no longer got into stand and here comes a little buck, tiny one, spike on one side and forked points on the other, nice size deer, but just not what I want, at least not right at this moment.

Well he fed through and back into the corn he went 20 yards away and slipped out of sight. And I'm finally braving sitting up in the deer stands, I'm not comfortable but I'm making It through the day and night stands  without having to get out for a while so I can breathe again.  But anyway, another 15 minutes passed and here comes another buck, and he's a MONSTER!!  Nice body deer, but little spikes on the little guy, I videoed him for 6 minutes, and I kept grunting him back in and again right under my stand, it was not yet his time to end up in the freezer.

While the little buck still looking for the grunt origin, here comes a big doe from the other direction, and I'm turned the wrong way to shoot her and I want here badly!  She was clueless coming in, had no idea I was there, but I had to turn around completely to shoot her, and while turning as quiet as I can, my boot clipped part of the stand and clanged, and off she went, and I was NOT happy to say the least, would of been a 10 yard easy shot.

So my frustrations just turned to that poor little buck that was still around and looking for whatever was grunting at him, and I let out another series of grunts, and here he comes again, just to my east 7 yards, as I drew back my Longbow he came into a perfect shooting lane,  I decided it's time for some meat and let fly, the arrow struck true, easily a lung hit, as he crashed through the brush to the east.

Thor made it through!! But he's 5 pounds lighter!

Well, Thor made it through his "procedure" but due to the loss of his manhood he's a good 5 pounds lighter I swear, he "was" a well built pup.  Poor little guy, I was so sick to my stomach all day, then seeing the whining drunk puppy staring at me through the cage didn't help me any.  And apparently he wasn't any too happy with the two ladies at the vets office, he wouldn't let them anywhere near him. But the vet who did the surgery he had no trouble with, go figure.

Anyway, heart kind of sinks as I led him out of the vet's office as he staggered around like a drunkard, then he kept forgetting what he was doing when he had to go potty.  Lift his leg and just stand there dopey eyed.  Then of course he wanted to jump up in the truck, didn't really want him to do that, but think he'd listen?  Nope.  Whining off and on all night, would hardly sleep, just laid in secure spots and stared blankly off into space. Could hardly get a tail wag out of the little guy.

Loki was even bringing his prized toys and dropping them right by Thor off and on all night.  "here buddy, this will help, they did this to me also".

The next morning however,  GAME ON! He was raring to go and back to normal trouble causing little turd. Wanted to run all over jumping and playing like mad, me chasing him trying to get the little guy to calm down and not rip out his stitches.  Had to send him back to Burlington with Jeanne in hopes of him calming down without Loki and I to play with for a few days.

Apparently that's not going so well either hehe.  He's not used to being away from me at all. And misses Loki quite a bit also when they are apart.

Oh Doctor Doctor!

Happened to think of a few more things the doctor had told me.  Found interesting and made a lot of sense and made things a little more clear for me.  Of course the part I wasn't real happy with was the fact that it could take all of the 10 years I lost to this wonderful issue to regain complete control of my life again,  or it may take longer, or sooner, It's a crapshoot at best.  But one of the things was he said, that anxiety and panic are one of the most painful "diseases" for lack of a better word, that there is.  It has no real symptoms per say.  It's the invisible pain, no one can see it.

The example he based on similar like for like, is depression, you can see a lot in people when they suffer depression, the signs are very evident if you look.  The sulking, the lack of get up and go, hanging your head, no interest in things anymore, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere, and he mentioned that those issues can usually receive empathy and compassion from people, consoling and trying to help them.  With anxiety, no one can see it, even though MY brain in particular at times feels like it's bouncing from one side of my skull to another, and feel as though I'm going to jump out of my skin, the outward signs nearly all the time aren't there, but I'm ready to go through the roof.

So, even though I look as though I'm right as rain, I maybe very well going through hell, and have learned to kind of hide or disguise it, because a panic attack to me especially in public can be embarrassing, especially a full blown one which I've had in public. Several times.  So that was interesting, and the other fact he put forth on that is that most people will just say "don't think about it" meaning put it out of your mind, it's all in your head.  oh boy yeah no kidding.  Just that easy, snap my fingers wiggle my nose and *poof* all gone.

Problem with that is, in my case after 10 years of hell, I have so many pathways in my brain that have been altered by course of nature and learning that every thought I have leads to panic, I have to relearn and rebuild new pathways so there isn't fear at every turn.  And that's medically proven.

So, "don't think about it", "get it out of your mind", doesn't apply, and cannot apply until those pathways are formed again, so that which is causing the panic right now is no longer a fear.

Tornado! Nah not really

OK, what's new?  I tell you what, for once not a heck of a lot.  I know Amber will be disappointed
but I'll just have to ramble through this one and hope for the best!

Had my Doctor appointment after 6 months away from the shrink.  Was actually good to get back and talk with him, the last 6 months have been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs and new and different stresses.  I guess first off, can tell that I have been drinking occasionally,  blood pressure was "way up" from 6 months ago.  110/72  which is still very very good, and pulse rate 72 which is down for me, mine tends to run higher than I like, but still under the "average".

My weight is growing nicely.  I say that with a smirk, because 194 is NOT where I want to be that's about 12 unwanted and unneeded and unloved poundage that I just hate having hehe.  Well Doctor said, it's been quite a joy really seeing how far I've come since I first started seeing him.  And reminded me any "new" stresses introduced will probably risk a trigger of some panic attacks, meaning any new things I try to do, and to try to keep to a normal schedule, especially sleeping and eating, and lay off the booze!!! Well he said I could have one now and then, but that Jeanne was supposed to call him if I start to tip the glass too often.  And I agreed that she should tattle on me if I abused the stuff.

But reminding me of normal sleep patterns and the like, was a reminder to myself that I can't push beyond my means until I can handle it, and I keep having reminders when I go to far.  Wisconsin Dells, I had a bad one up there, due to drinking,  car trouble,  doing a ton of things I'm not used to, added a lot of stress, and finally built up.

Deer hunting, when I had a bad panic attack while in a tree, which is never good for sure, but there was added stress building up to that as well, but mainly just being up in that tree wasn't where I should be.  Doc also kind of reminded me, it took 10 years of my life to build up a lot of issues in my nerves in my brain that were out of line due to all the panic, and it very well could take all of that time again to get back to where I was.

Wow, talk about anxiety!

If my 7 month old pup Thor could understand English, and knew he was about to have his nuts taken from him, I'm sure he'd feel like I do while I'm up in a tree.  Really don't want to have him nutted,  but Loki is doing great since his were done no change to his personality or anything else at all. So I guess.  *sigh*.

On subject of anxiety, well I guess that's what the blog is called after all, but holy cow did I have a rough time in deer stand the other night.  First off getting into the tree, it doesn't have a stand, it's an old huge tree that is dead and most the branches have fallen and broken off and are laying down in every direction somewhat attached to the main tree trunk yet, which is about 13-15 feet tall.  But to get into the spot where you sit and wait for the wily deer, you have to crawl up one of the old branches that is kind of hanging on yet.

Well I got about 8 feet off the ground and there is no bark left on the branch so it's a tad slippery, and of course footing slipped and down I went chins first scraping all the way with the battle wounds to show for it along with bruises.  Off to a great start to the nights hunt. That got my heart pounding nicely, didn't scare me, didn't work me up, but I guess adrenaline was rushing through just enough, I made it into the stand finally anyway.  But it wasn't long and the old nerves come knocking at my door pretty quickly.   Never seen one of my "episodes", so I tried to record myself with my camera, of course had to whisper, no clue if it turned out, but wanted to see if it would help me get my mind off my "issues"..   Didn't work.

Ok time for a new blog!

Been running around here and there, been dealing with a horribly infected tooth, have a good deal of excuses to haven't gotten a new blog out recently.  then Amber has her 3 kids here who are all getting or have the flu and colds, so I'm looking forward to see if we get the illness.  But in the meantime, we move on right?

So, been hunting every night, trying like heck to get up in tree stands to get over my fears in that avenue.  Win some lose some so far.  I can seem to get up in trees without stands "OK" but not great, but the man-made ladder stands so far has been a real issue for me.  If one has plenty of tree branches close by I feel safer, like I can grab them if something happens.  I tend to start getting dizzy and feel like I'm going to be launched out of the darn tree. But a lot of the stands don't have much for branches anywhere or around or it's just small tiny branches with leaves and that's it, and I can tell, soon as I get up in them, my world starts spinning and I gotta get out of there fast.

But I've managed to get up in a few stands and last the night, so It's getting better, but It's not comfortable at all, at least until it gets close to end of season, gets a little darker out, the world seems smaller I guess, and apparently that still affects me how the world appears to me and makes it more comfortable.  Plus that's when most the bucks start moving, so I have more to keep my mind occupied on something else and tend to not dwell on my issues.  Otherwise I'm hyperventilating and shaking the whole night.  Not fun at all.

What's new?

Well, not a ton of news, love the new Dodge, thinking of getting FORD decals for it, so I don't feel quite as odd driving it. last 4 vehicles have been Fords, grew up with Fords. Oh well, nobody will recognize me in a Dodge, I guess that's something eh?  The thing is bright red, that'll surely go unnoticed as well.  Maybe I will spray paint it camouflage or all black. That should up the value.

Anyway, not great on gas, it is a beast of a vehicle. Room of a minivan inside, tons of storage space and can tow a whole lot more than our Escape did.  Which we will hopefully need.

Ok, on to the hunt!  Some may recall last fall, I went gun hunting for deer for also the first time in at least 15 years, and needed a baby sitter next to me opening day, and slowly after that no longer needed someone right by me, but nearly within screaming range, or at least by phone and quick rescue by Coast Guard!  This is a two part story I guess.... Now I rarely even take my medicine in with me for that "just in case I really feel rotten" times.   So, I am progressing with that, taking away my crutch having my meds is a big step for me and no longer needing anymore remotely close is also a great upswing.

Also, last fall I was totally unable to get in a tree stand of any sort off the ground. Well shouldn't say that, I got in one very easy, and was ready to launch myself right back out face first I got such a panic attack so quickly, I hung on to the top rung the rest of the night shaking, but did not want to give in and go all the way to the ground and let another fear rule of me.

So, this year bow-hunting, it's so much better to be up in the air, can see game coming, they can't see you as easy, and so on and on and on.  So, I am determined to win that battle, and have had some success.  First couple nights I looked up at that stand, and just shook my head and said the heck with it,  right now I am just happy being able to hunt on my own and not have to be concerned about help, or taking medicine to get by.  A  couple of nights I stood in the stand for a little THEN I felt like screaming and launching myself out.

So, tried a different approach, I started climbing just up in trees without stands,  I only got up to 12 or 13 feet, which is better than a kick in the butt, and had no trouble at all.  So I progressed with that approach, and finally got up in a "man-made" stand the other night,  and sweated and shook and hyperventilated all night, but I made it through 2.5 hours of it.  So, it starts, next time maybe it will be easier, maybe not.  Everything new is a fight with anxiety,  and everything you don't do on a regular basis becomes a struggle again.  Like lawn mowing.  I got to the point this summer when I was so comfortable on one again I almost fell asleep several times.  Now it's been close to a month since I have had to be on one, or couldn't be due to rain or whatever.  Today was a struggle again.  Was having immediate anxiety problems trying to cut down the hayfield of a front yard.

Heck with it, I am crazy, everyone else is.....

Well, Dad is off on his hunting trip for Elk in Colorado, and I'm all alone with my pup Thor, he's good company I guess, but not much for conversation.  Already lonely and feeling stressed, kinda dumb but that's my life.  Guess I just deal with it.  Fixed my chainsaw, going to cut up some wood today, actually tomorrow probably, supposed to be beautiful and much cooler out.  Set up my painting easel and paints, canvas ready to begin,  the enthusiasm for actually painting hopefully will come with it, but not so far.

And can you imagine?  Sent a picture of me "mooning" the camera and got called "rude"  LOL, me?? nevvver.  Oh well I laughed,  does that count??

Was hoping to enjoy a day and night without someone around, but not so sure now.  And I really hate sleeping alone,  dog sleeps UNDER the bed, and my dad isn't much help in that category either, no he doesn't sleep under the bed, as far as I know, he's odd but maybe not that odd.  And he surely doesn't sleep in MY bed!!

Two days until opening of bow season, I'm actually excited!  Even though I'll probably only go 5 or 6 times until the rut starts,  but this will be my first bowhunting season in 16-17 years? maybe 18 even. SO yep, excited.  Hopefully get over another fear I've gotten of getting into actual tree stands, so far now it's ground hunting in blinds for me, will just have to do, but I hate not being able to see very far and see what's coming.

Also planning on working on boats and trailer I have acquired, and doing a little bit on my pop up camper, and maybe sleeping in for "finally" the first time maybe Friday night. But it's kind of in a "stored" location, not really ideal for camping behind 2 gas tanks, get to smell diesel fuel all night, whoooppeee.  And hearing 3 coon dogs bark close by all night sounds appealing as well.

I guess my lonely little bedroom in the house may sound a bit better.  Since I have no vehicle here to go anywhere with, or to hook up to the camper to move it right now.  Maybe i'll get to watch the NFL game tonight on TV!! Instead of Dad's constant bombardment of hunting, fishing and cooking shows!!  Yes I love to DO all three things, but I get so sick of the shows about them, drives me nuts, of course he knows this, and probably why he watches them nonstop.

Ok, going to get something accomplished today, I'll write more later.

Lance

Holy cow, nobody has ever died from anxiety!

Did you know that?  Well according to a Google search on the matter at least, worldwide studies have shown that anxiety and panic attacks will not kill you!  Whew what a relief.  In my worst times, I wish it did kill me, because it sure as heck felt like it.

But when I finally reached the lowest depths I could, and decided now, now is the time, it must end, not my life, but the beginning of a new life a new world.  I was going to the hospital and that's it, I knew I would be scared to death going there, being there, but it's a hospital.  They know what to do for anxiety problems, sure It sucked waiting there, but life began again for me that night, I was reborn.  Thank god.

SO, I totally agree that no matter what is thrown at you with anxiety, it sure as heck won't kill you, no matter how bad it seems.

Wonderful cycle of anxiety and panic.  It's so odd how it works, so complex yet so simple.  It's amazing how fast you can talk yourself into a panic attack, and just like that, it's gone just as fast. The problem is, without medical help for most people, the panic gets worse the longer you wait, gets easier and easier to go into full blown panic for more and more things, quicker, they will last longer and make it harder to overcome, sleep becomes far and between.

Anyway, 10 years of hell, and a year and half of recovery so far, and growing with every day, and all it took was one trip to the hospital, and determination that I wasn't leaving until I got the help I needed, and a course of follow up action to keep anxiety and panic further out of reach each day there after.  Every day is no longer a struggle anymore, sure panic jumps in now and then, but as quick as it comes it goes away.

It won't kill you! Might feel like it though.....

Yeah anxiety and the related issues with it, especially agoraphobia, is so debilitating that it can feel like you are slowly dying most the time until a nasty panic attack hits you, then you are certain you are going to die, right then and there,  but apparently it doesn't I'm still here,  I think?  Once you get forced indoors due to agoraphobia, you are backing yourself into such a small world that eventually you will be scared of doing anything at all, you can try to get into routines that helps for awhile, but soon, anxiety grabs a hold of those and makes you constantly change who and what you are.

As I spoke yesterday about my new friend who is in the aggressive state of anxiety, panic and agoraphobia,  I sympathize so much for her, and remember for myself the pain and anguish I went through, and what I put those around me through.  If you don't have panic yourself, you just can't imagine the pain and suffering it's like, and when you feel like everyone is against you, telling you to "just snap out of it"  it hurts, it's simply not that easy, especially when you get into the agoraphobia stages of being basically scared to death of the outdoors anymore.  For me that was enough to not want to live anymore.  I couldn't hunt, fish, hike, bike, not a damn thing I grew up worshiping doing.

So, when my new friend tells me she lives 1 mile from a hospital, oh boy has that struck home.  As I've written before in early blogs, It took me 2 visits to the hospital about 8 years apart in time to fix my issues.  The first time was in the ambulance, and I couldn't follow through with appointments after I got home, mainly because I just didn't have enough of the medications I'm on now to get me well enough to brave the trips.

The 2nd visit, I lived only 1 mile from the hospital.  Seems like karma here.  But I was in such a dark desperate place, I had simply no choice any more.  I can't even explain again, just how bad it was, in winter I had to go outside in shorts with no shoes and stand in the snow until the pain was so bad it got the anxiety to go away for a matter of minutes, yes minutes only, I was in total terror everyday for about 2 months.....  SO,  that was IT, I told Jeanne, I don't care if it kills me I'm going to the hospital right now,  of course I knew it wouldn't kill me, I've been through everything that could be thrown at me already, a 60 second car ride is NOT going to kill me, and I'm going to a place that, well, what better place to go than a hospital?  Whatever you got they can help you,  I wasn't worried about freaking out, or going nuts, I was GOING to get help and was not leaving until I got what I knew what would help me.

And that's what I did.

Once upon a time......

Felt good with my last post, needed to vent and get rid of some baggage that weighs me down.  Probably won't change a thing, but kind of helped airing my brain out.  Which is getting filled up with a lot of interesting new knowledge taking the Wisconsin Trapping Course to get a trapping license this year.  No clue why exactly, but it is quite interesting learning about all the fur-bearing critters out there.  Love learning new things.

But geez,  42 years young and I'm back to doing homework?  Really?  Oh well, maybe we'll see if my brain still functions or not.  We'll get back to you on that one, I know you''ll be on the edge of your seats wondering if I still have brain function yet.

Got back to work on the travel trailer, the thing is gutted of everything nailed, screwed, glued or tattooed down,  except the ceiling and walls, few things to deal with on floor yet, but really I could start laying down new flooring today, so I have something better to stand on than some plywood laid down on the supports below.  Maybe I will just park it outside of my old friend Jim Carter's house late at night, see if he magically fixes it up for me?  He does that sorta thing,  it's on my way to Argyle , in Brodhead, hmm, think he'd mind?

To the Dells we go... tomorrow

Alright, so we headed to Argyle with our newly refurbished pop-up camper.  Of course we set it up once we got to Argyle to finalize a few things, and of course that lead to, well it wasn't completely done being refurbished, but oh well. it's close enough for now.  Will finish a few odds and ends that were overlooked a bit. Minor things at least.  The campers sure are neat, more or less just a step up from tent camping with your butts off the ground.  Tows great, nice and smooth, Jeanne was a nervous wreck for the 2 hour drive, but she's never had to tow anything before, so it was expected.

Probably didn't help that whenever she got comfortable, i'd say something like, hmm I think the tires may be going flat, or should it be swaying like that?   There was nothing wrong, but I'm kind of demented and like to give her a hard time hehe.

But anyway, it's up, it's cool, we like it and were going to take it all the way to the Dells this weekend with my Dad, Jeanne and I and the two dogs.  But once we looked at what the weather is going to be??  Mid-90's hot and humid maybe only 70's at night?  We think towing it another 2 hours north from Argyle, to be hot all day,  and maybe miserable at night, might just be worth a motel room for a couple nights until we get an air conditioner for the camper.

Fell asleep about 3:00 am this morning finally, had to take some of my meds I don't like to HAVE to take, but finally they worked, but at 5:45am I see these eyes posted below looking at me, about that far away, whining and a little kiss on my nose.. "daddy I gotta go potty".....

anxiety is a funny adversary,, not

No clue what's causing it, but knowing how anxiety works I  have a couple thoughts.   For the past 3 nights been having terrible troubles sleeping. Soon as I lay in bed, I start getting uncomfortable,  anxiety uncomfortable.  Start having trouble breathing, that sends me into the next step of worry, then pretty soon, i'm fidgeting all over, worry and stress about why it's happening, then pretty soon, I'm in a full blown panic attack mode.  Now, that said the attacks don't consume me like they used to.  I deal with them as long as I can then I get up and do something until they pass.  But that's now 1:30 or 2:00 am that i've been struggling.

And I like to get up at 6:00 am with the dogs, go for a walk with them, get them and myself exercise that helps keep the anxiety demons at bay for them and myself.  My first thought on the matter is.  I started shooting my longbow in preparation of archery deer season next month.  I haven't shot a bow in 15 years.  Muscles I haven't had a use for are now awaken from a dark cave and dorment area.  That new pain and sensation I'd rather not have, and wasn't used to made me uncomfortable the first of the 3 sleepless nights.

So, I believe that's what set it in motion, is some real pain in a new muscle area that hadn't been around since I was in my 20's lol.  Nonetheless, it triggered a few worries that shouldn't of mattered, but whatever, they did.  And now i've grown a new pathway in my brain that going to bed means i'm going to be uncomfortable and have a panic attack.. Poof,, there it is, 3 nights running now,  it's 1:30 am as I type this to get it off my chest and out of my brain.  And the dogs will miss their morning mile or so walk cuz I'll be tossing and turning until 4:00 am with this crap.

So, I turn to one of my now growing mound of hobbies,  online games, painting, guitar, fixing things, ie: trailers and camping trailers etc.  training the dogs,  I really could go on, but those are the main ones, and I swap them out as necessary to keep my brain away from thoughts of panic and anxiety.  Lately i've been well enough I don't even take my medication with me when i'm out and about on my own.  Wise or not, i'm testing myself I guess.  I keep pushing my limits to see if , to see if there is one?  And if there is,  I find away through it and on to the next.  Worst thing I can do is let my panic i'm having as I type this with going to bed leak into ANY other part of my life.

I'll work through this like i've done everything else so far in my life, just relearning to walk again in another phase of my journey.
Anyone else with the issues? Don't dwell on em, just try to meet them head on, if you hit a brickwall, don't bang your head on it, use your head in another way, if it's bad enough,   Get some help, it's not a crime, or embarrassment to admit you need, or rather want help.  Want is a much better word.  I use the "need" word as a joke at this point.  Most people that know me well know my sense of humor is off the wall, slapstick and tom foolery.  And often hear,, "you need help" or "you just ain't right"  well no kidding,  I know that, and the State of Wisconsin agrees with me, duh.. i'm on disibility for anxiety disorder.

It's not funny, but , ah hell yeah it is.  I know mentally i'm fine, as in i'm not a danger to anyone or myself, I can be trusted with the elderly, sharp objects and kids...  Ok maybe not sharp objects, especially crow bars, crow bars and I have a love hate relationship , but i'll tell that story another time, kind of a painful one.  But yeah, i'm getting help from the state, I NEEDED it.  Now I just want help to continue my battle. I want to enjoy life as much as I can as normal as I can.  10 years without being able to wake up in the morning and smile for any reason was hard.  Hard on me, hard on my loving dog Simba and Jeanne of course.   I think Simba took it the hardest.  He couldn't understand what was wrong with me,  can't explain it to him,  he just knew the walks we went on were hardly ever going to happen again.

The games we played changed, i'd suddenly be unable to do much more than cry at times, to the point I was too scared to go outside at all, even to take him out to go potty, Jeanne would have to,  and all I had to do was open the patio door, walk 11 feet to his tie out, hook him up and go back in.  Couldn't do it.  too far, too scared, couple times I made it that far,  I RAN fast as I could back to the house,  crawled even one time it hit me so hard.  The world was a large scary place that I was not welcome in any longer.

Simba became my sensor. amazing dog.  I'd be sitting in a chair, and he'd come over and flop his big head in my lap and look up at me,  he could tell, I didn't even know, but there was a panic attack coming on, from who knows what, and sure enough within minutes,  BAM, and off my brain would go. I'd hold him as tight as he'd let me, he was there for me every step of the way, wanting to understand and to help.

Ok now I have tears, I miss him dearly and have to move on, his death wears on me still because of the years I couldn't be more for him than I was for many years.  That's why I have 2 dogs now that I spoil and spoil, and give them everything they need and more, and they give it right back ten fold.

IT IS BACK!!!

Been asked by, well a surprising amount of people, where is your blog?  Why no updates?  To be honest there is a couple reasons,  one I just got healthy enough I got sick of sitting on my ass and thinking of anxiety problems, and just started living more and more,  2nd?  Got tired of writing about it basically.

But, now that I pulled it out again, it's actually kind of nice to start again.  I'll have to try to catch up from where I left off last December I think it was, but for the mean time, I'm just going to be in the present here and a little of the past.

One other reason I decided it's time to pull this out and start writing again, is .....  A lot of people I've come across, friends and strangers alike, that suffer from a wide ranging ailment of anxiety and panic disorders and I've been able to talk openly and honestly with them how to help cope with their specific issues and problems, and to what from my vast experience in the matter can I'd say professionally state my opinion on what they can do for themselves to better their lives, and hopefully lessen or admonish completely the wondrous world of anxiety.

So, here I write, wondering about my own future.  I've overcome so much in a years time, quite amazing to me and probably others as well, as bad as I was March 2012.  It's really a miracle I think.  But you do reach a plateau in areas.

One issue I have,  if those that don't know, I am on disability from the state, and I have about a year left of my 3 years, and I think I'm probably well enough that I won't get an extension on that.  I didn't want to be on it in the first place,  but there is no way on earth I could of gotten to where I'm at today without it.  Unfortunately the amount it pays me a month isn't anywhere near enough to keep up with bills I have, and things I want to do personally to try to push myself further away from anxiety.

I've been able to work some with my cousin Matt, just to basically test the waters,  but I'm finding that I can only work with someone else, at least right now, that I know, am close to or trust, or all the above.  Not sure I could survive alone doing something, however the problems I had in the past mowing lawns seems to have dissipated considerably,  even to the point I've nearly fallen asleep a few times while riding on the mower.  Going from ready to jump off screaming after 5 minutes versus taking a nap, shows a heck of a lot of progress in my book.

But I do have issues from time to time doing it,  an unhealthy reminder that my life still feels the tug of anxiety trying to grasp me, so the work and push forward is never ending indeed.

Moving on, one day at a time

Well, been awhile again, just haven't felt like writing lately. lazy I guess.  Loki had his surgery last Tuesday, everything went very good, good but costly, darn expensive.  But hopefully worth it in the long run,  sure an empty house without him around.  hated it.  Got me even looking for another puppy just for my own well being, and just in case scenarios. Hate to think that way, but besides we WANT more dogs,  two would be plenty,  and more costly, but we love dogs so much.  Going to keep looking very hard,  Loki will be healed up in another 10 days when he gets the cone of shame off, and his stitches removed from his belly.

Poor dog, a good 8 or 9 inch incision on his belly and all shaved off, plus front leg party shaved, I assume for the intravenus (I-V) and a scab on his back between his shoulder blades, I think is the microchip implant.  Sure cant' even tell he's had surgery. The first day back, he was a little down, but not for long, now 5 days removed he's raring to go, but he cant' do much for another 9 or 10 days.  Took forever the day we were to pick the little brat up from the Vet's office.  I was watching down the hallway that goes into the "vet's" area,  and Loki must of heard my voice,  here I see him pop his head out of a doorway, and yeah, the nurse wasn't gonna hold him from coming to see daddy, not my boy hehe.  Here he comes, and I tell ya,  I got mauled with kisses all over, whining and wiggling doggy happy to see his dad.  And vice versa.

Not ready to solo yet!

Been trying to push myself in different ways.  I stay on my regular medications which is supposed to just keep a certain level in your system, and it's the kind that doesn't impair you in any way.  And use a little less or none of my other meds that can be addicting, and do cause a bit of inpairment, not really noticable unless you take full dose, which is only 1 milligram, but it's kind of like having a couple drinks.  You feel relaxed.  But even in times of severe panic those pills only cut the suffering a bit.  They do work now when I have an attack, but I think at some point they are a bit of placebo.

Anyway, going for rides with Jeanne, if I know we aren't planning on long trips or store visits, I try to go without my relaxant meds.  Many times I take the bottle of meds with me in case, and that really is the placebo effect, sometimes I'm fine just a little jumpy.  And when I leave it at home, I tend to think about it, therefore more jumpy, so I'm trying to push myself to not NEED those meds, but right now since it's been 7 months already, but really not long compared to the nearly 11 years of going through the anxiety,  I'll be on all the meds a while longer consistently.

What's new in the world of anxiety?

Heck not a lot hehe.  Feeling good, my last post left me with feeling really uncomfortable in a store, and that night I went back and we went to 3 stores and a nice run in the dog park just to piss off anxiety and let it know who's in charge.  Felt good, great really.  Got a bunch of food, munchies mainly for my families visit tomorrow.

Bunch of cheese, even bought some Limburger, gee whiz that stuff stinks, you get passed the smell?  You know what that stuff is pretty darn tasty, can't believe I actually tried it,  Grandpa Bob loved the stuff, I do see why now, but man it stinks like a pair of gym socks stuck away in a corner of a locker for a couple months.  But tasty all the same, not that I've tried gym socks but the cheese is good.  And of course had to buy my swiss cheese, love it love it, must be cuz I'm swiss who knows.