Spring back ? Fall Ahead? Where is summer?

You have to be kidding me, so we made the trip to Argyle last weekend, to see family and meet up with friends for a "working" supper.  And we get dumped on with a foot of the white powdery stuff?

Someone needs a talk with Mother Nature, must be her time of the month or something this is ridiculous.  Only in Wisconsin can you be sunbathing on Saturday and Snowmobiling on Sunday. Gotta love it.  Guess I do or I'd move to Alaska where the weather apparently is more on an even level with the time of year you happen to live.

Not ready to solo yet!

Been trying to push myself in different ways.  I stay on my regular medications which is supposed to just keep a certain level in your system, and it's the kind that doesn't impair you in any way.  And use a little less or none of my other meds that can be addicting, and do cause a bit of inpairment, not really noticable unless you take full dose, which is only 1 milligram, but it's kind of like having a couple drinks.  You feel relaxed.  But even in times of severe panic those pills only cut the suffering a bit.  They do work now when I have an attack, but I think at some point they are a bit of placebo.

Anyway, going for rides with Jeanne, if I know we aren't planning on long trips or store visits, I try to go without my relaxant meds.  Many times I take the bottle of meds with me in case, and that really is the placebo effect, sometimes I'm fine just a little jumpy.  And when I leave it at home, I tend to think about it, therefore more jumpy, so I'm trying to push myself to not NEED those meds, but right now since it's been 7 months already, but really not long compared to the nearly 11 years of going through the anxiety,  I'll be on all the meds a while longer consistently.

Family coming to Visit!

Hunting season starts soon, so, that means Greg aka Dad, won't be seen much for about 2 months, SO, Grandma, Dad, and Aunt Linda going to come down and stay for the night.  Always good to see them, lifts my spirits up.  And they can see all the changes we did to our places with the new paint, and a few added items.  And of course Grandma can't come without bringing have the grocery store with her geez.  Can't even remember everything she's bringing,  but I did here 2 racks of RIBS!! After that the rest was kind of lost hehe.

So, that'll be fun, they are coming on Monday.  This past week, we took Loki into the vet again, his ears and nose, and his right eyelid still having a lot of redness, some swelling, and lots and lots of itching.  This time the vet gaves us some cream to put on it, and within 2 days he's already looking like he's almost back to normal.  We still don't know what in the heck it is,  we're all guessing allergies the way it looked.  But did the allergies go away with the rain or did the medications and lotion work.  pfft don't know.

Happy Labor Day!

Still falling behind on my darn posts, been trying to keep busy busy busy..... And it works, been feeling wonderful, trying not to spend so much time in the stores, yet staying active and trying newer things, which I haven't found much new to do yet.

And yep still trying to finish painting, should be done today,  it got so hot out again, couldn't have the windows open to air it out, but just a bit left in the kitchen then finished!  Does look great, and I love change, the new colors aren't really my cup of tea, but gotta make Jeanne happy.  Looks a little too pink to me in the living room and kitchen, but it's a warmer feeling, calming, so I guess it'll work.   Bedroom and the bathroom kind of off yellow with a couple walls a brownish, once again not my color, but huge difference from before and looks nice.

Catching up falling behind!

Misleading post title maybe?  Feeling great for past week.  Been so busy painting and redecorating and whatever else I can get myself into that I've fallen behind in my updates.  Sorry about that.

It's been really just the same old story for the last week,  dog park, dog walk, paint, pick on the kids etc etc.  Been trying to embed with the kids to quit leaving all their crap laying around and my new attempt to have kids untie their shoes before removing and the like. 

The two middle age kids are taking to it fairly well, because they love to use their 3ds game things hehe.   The oldest has learned that if he just hides his shoes it's easier I guess, which is almost a win for me because they are no longer just dropped wherever he feels like it,  on the couch, on top of the back of the couch, on chairs, tables, floor, wherever he is at the time, so one step forward.  The youngest girl of 5, well, not much for shoelaces yet, all velcro, but she must have 8 or 9 slippers, shoes or flipflops,  I know this because I give her the same foot attire daily 8 or 9 times because they are left, on the floor, on the couch, on chairs wherever lol.  Wonder where she's learning that?

Painting and more painting

Well, painting under way, house is revolting it feels like, we got crap everywhere,  took couple days of off and on painting the living room to get it done, wait to dry, see where I missed and do it again hehe.  We have a skylight in the living room, that was great joy to paint, standing on top of a regular sized ladder to reach all the way to the top, watching the clouds zip over head,  that was NOT fun, wow was I getting dizzy looking up in there, and not fond of heights.

But I survived lol.  Looks great, except the "fortune cookie" color that was supposed to be a tannish color looks more pink, but it's a nice change.  And the constant working on it, plus moving everything around doesn't leave much time for anxiety, and gets rid of the extra energy building up.

Puppy park at night, paint during the day, sidelined by constant children needing something or another.  Started working on the small bathroom, we have two.  And that dang room is proving to be a royal pain in the behind, must of been just primer previously, it's soaking up paint nonstop, that room is taking me forever, stress level going up up and up.

Rain? We actually got Rain?

Haven't mowed the lawn since last part of May, we got 2.5 inches of rain and only part of the lawn is showing a hint of green, and here comes the nasty heat again. As good as I was feeling I was really hoping to be able to do more outside, but this horrid heat isn't bearable. Of course I'm not really used to it either, being stuck inside not by choice off and on for so long, hard to adjust to harsher outdoor weather yet.

But I'm trying to keep pushing. Nearly every night after supper we go to the dog park for quite a while, usually until Loki is too hot and tired then we head out, and he just loves the heat, he's grumpier than I am about it. At least I don't bite and nibble others when I'm grumpy about the heat. Not yet anyway.

My "surprise" visit to see my Dad and Grandma is 1/2 thwarted by dad's wife Jada showing him my blogs ooops. I told her she shouldn't of taught him to read, well I thought that was funny, but apparently not all did. But the trip is still planned, and I can definately feel the excitement rising, which of course isn't good on my brain. I start getting a bit jumpier and feel more anxiety. And yes father you saying you aren't real optimistic I'll be able to make it that far really put some thoughts in my brain I didn't need, was 100 percent confident down to 50 now. Thanks!!!

This past week had a couple anxiety issues, once while out in the car, was very uncomfortable, and shopping during same trip wasn't very fun, very jumpy, panicky the entire time not fun, wasn't unbearable, but any anxiety now after 3 months without much at all is a blip on the radar for my healing brain, and worries me that more is too come, and once you or anyone else puts that thought there, takes more effort to get rid of it instead of moving forward from the accomplishments already done.

Second time was even more uncomfortable, was at home, safe and sound, so that bothered more so, nearly felt on the edge of full blown panic attack, was having trouble getting myself distracted enough to hold it in place, took a good two hours for it to pass.

So, we push on, trying to push the bad thoughts of recent out and keep going. So more fishing more driving more of everything I could never do before. And although carp fishing is kinda pointless after the catch, it's sure a blast during it, and no anxiety. I tell you though, what a fight they put up, if you aren't watching close waiting for them to hit, it's nearly too late by the time you catch your pole flying into the water. For the 5th time I nearly lost my fishing poles to the river, when they go they go lol, and once hooked, the fun is on, you get them nearly to shore and into the net, they see you or the net? Hang on, you are in for another wild ride, quite fun, try it.

Started painting a little bit again, and that's when I had a couple episodes of anxiety that were unexpected, and in the past when I have painted the same things have happened. I'm using acrylic, which has little to no fumes, and very little to no known allergy causes by acrylic paint or fumes, so I'm confused as to it's past memory linking having panic with painting? I used to pick up a brush and paint every time I started having anxiety problems and it helped greatly. But I'm sure I associate panic with painting now. Troublesome, I want to paint, but not at the cost of fearing it, stupid I know, is it in my head? Or is it some sort of allergy to it. Most will say it's all in your head, because most that will read that haven't gone through the anxiety or panic from other things and it's easier to say than think about what the underlying issue might be.

Time will tell. I know words of encouragement and acknowledgement of how far you have recovered to normal is far more than optimism and we'll see what happens. Those of you that have suffered or do suffer anxiety need to have the backing and support of those around you cheering the victories and supporting the defeat, don't let doubters get in the way. And only you can prevent forest fires!

Thanks for reading, happy fishing!
Lance

Too Hot even for Anxiety!

It's too hot for even anxiety this summer. Getting tired of this heat wave, too hot to do anything outside, and sitting inside trying to keep busy cleaning, chasing the kids around doing whatever I can to stay active driving me nuts. Bad thing is, it's starting to remind me of when I couldn't go outside at all, now it's due to excessive heat, but feeling clausterphobic now.

I seem like at this point I have reached some sort of plateau. Anxiety and panic are basically under control, I have occasional issues but nothing that stays too long. Went shopping in this heat yesterday, and had a little trouble in the stores, was not comfortable at all, which really worried me. Haven't had issues with stores for quite some time, so now it's on my mind, "what changed".

We Are Going to Move??

I left off with news of big change in my last post, basically the summer into fall even winter wasn't eventful. Was raising a new puppy, practicing guitar when Niko would let me, and painting a lot.  Was still drinking regularly now, but still under control. And anxiety and panic were staying even.

The car was still a foreign object, but walks and regular work outside were common everyday occurence. Niko and I were walking about a mile a day on our own, and Jeanne and I would also take walks at night.

So we'll move into spring time. Jeanne's sister and her husband who live in Burlington Wisconsin, about 35 minute drive south of Mukwonago where we currently live, well they called with some interesting news and a question. They asked Jeanne and I, and Jeanne's mother if we all wanted to move into a house with them and their 4 children. A home that Richard, Jeanne's brother-in-law had his eye on for a long time came on the market, but they wouldn't do something about it unless we're all interested in moving there.

Pushing Harder

After about 5 years without having a drink of alcohol. I wanted one, and it helped my anxiety!!! Yeah right, after a couple drinks it did, but even just one or 2 the day anxiety blossomed mightily.  Mornings were very hard to get through, wasn't even hungover, booze just kicks in bad things when you are suffering with anxiety. But it did help get sleep, and actually do something at night besides fret about the next panic attack.

But, it was survivable enough to get some sleep, verus the 2 hours a night, I was getting 6 or so. I was actually able to get outside again more and more, started doing more lawn work, and one night, I said the hell with it, I'm going for a walk with my dog Simba, and I walked, was maybe a half mile, but I felt like I had walked forever, ended up making that same walk probably 20 times that night, I felt like a huge load had been lifted off me and could see the light.