Spring back ? Fall Ahead? Where is summer?

You have to be kidding me, so we made the trip to Argyle last weekend, to see family and meet up with friends for a "working" supper.  And we get dumped on with a foot of the white powdery stuff?

Someone needs a talk with Mother Nature, must be her time of the month or something this is ridiculous.  Only in Wisconsin can you be sunbathing on Saturday and Snowmobiling on Sunday. Gotta love it.  Guess I do or I'd move to Alaska where the weather apparently is more on an even level with the time of year you happen to live.

Getting easier to sit in tree stands!

Didn't even notice until today, but getting in stand and staying in the stands is getting easier and easier, feel much more comfortable.  So that's a huge upside,  downside is, can't get any good sized bucks to actually make an appearance at least close enough to shoot anyway, getting frustrated.  Dad and I saw all kinds of bucks running around this morning, 3 only had one antler , one side missing, we have some really crappy bucks around here.

I did see one that was an actual shooter but of course he was hot on a does butt, 150 yards away and wanted nothing to do with me, and that buck had a forky behind him, and then a button buck got on his tail.  pretty funny.   Saw a ton of big Turkey gobblers come by this morning also.  So we sat in the same spots tonight, figured they'd still be chasing that doe around in there tonight.  But we both blanked, not a darn thing moving anywhere.  What a boring night.

Went for a cruise around  Josh's hunting area with Jason the other night, and only saw 124 deer, and about 15 bucks 4 really nice ones.  *sigh*  wish we had that kind of deer around.  Couldn't even drive down the road, there was deer walking right down the road, crossing everywhere, laying five feet off the road, it was insane.  Haven't seen 124 deer since beginning of bow season around Argyle combined, maybe half that. Let alone ONE night of driving around.

Winter is here?

Nice seeing the white stuff falling for a little while, but go away hehe.  sure is pretty out though.  Fun on deer stand, you can see everything so much clearer and further.  But alas,  I didn't see a darn thing tonight.  Everyone else did that hunts with us saw a bunch, but not me what the heck.  And it was a frigid night on stand for sure.  My butt kept freezing to the seat on the stand.   Wind howling, looked like a great night after a storm moving through but not for me.

Anyway, last 4 days been up and down, have a good day then bad day , rinse repeat.  Today been great, but the deer stands been winning,  well I shouldn't say that.  right now we're even 2 to 2.  Made it through two nights without having to get out and relax on the ground for a bit, other two nights I was up and down several times, those nights of course would explain lack of seeing anything at all, not tonight, was real good.   This morning same.  But first night back I was a mess,  I was up and down 5 times and never did settle down.  Oh well, I'll keep fighting.

Stayed in the camper last 3 nights, however, tonight and at least tomorrow I'm going to chicken out, down to zero windchill and windy, the furnace works good, but propane isn't that cheap after awhile, so I'll just have to go inside for a couple nights then back out.  Just love it in that little camper.  Quiet, peace of mind, no phones ringing.  Peaceful.  Except the 20 mph winds shaking the thing all over.

Thought a couple random pictures were needed lol

OK, so roads were looking a little slick today, talked Jeanne into staying until tomorrow, she'll make the trek back to Burlington for a while, I'll stay here and keep trying to find my "good" buck.  Yeah I shot two little ones, but hey, I haven't shot a deer in 15 years, I'm entitled I think to thinning the herd a bit right?

I'm good on meat now, two deer will get me through winter and then some, so I don't really need another one, BUT  I really want to shoot a good buck, been too long.

Been and interesting year,  lots of ups and downs and breakthroughs.  No set backs worth even mentioning.  Can't wait for the next year to see what challenges I can tackle.

Anyway,  mostly just been hunting and pushing myself more than I should probably, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

See you tomorrow.

Lance

The hunt continues!

And I must say it isn't going well.  But I am getting worn out quick.  Thing is, trying to hunt only out of tree stands, and it's really rough on me, I can relax to a point, as long as I can hang on to something but that makes it hard to shoot, I don't know if it's just fear or it's something to do with my medication also? I just don't know, but some of the stands just aren't easy to sit in.  But it's really wearing me out, it's constant adrenaline pushing through me the entire stand time no matter what, let alone when a deer starts to come him, your heart starts pounding a bit more on top of everything else.

No matter how little or big a deer is, when they come in, the excitement or more so the enjoyment of seeing them coming in so close is always there, why it's so much fun.  And work.  But having to stay so still, and move so slow and quiet, that wears on you with your adrenaline pushing through.  I'm about all in by the time I get done with hunting each time, takes me a while to calm down when I get back home.

Then Dr. Lance G hits a huge body nice buck, with his stone tipped arrow, so we have to miss the Packer game to help him trail his buck over by Brodhead,  got to bed at 2 am. that hurt, didn't hunt that morning hehe.  But was so nice to help Lance find his great buck!  That's the only thing I'd miss watching a packer game for!

But it's been non stop goin going gone.  Dragging deer out, getting up early, going to bed late, and now time change is coming up soon, which will screw us up more and more.  Get up at 4 am yuck.  And this week we'll have 5 or 6 more people staying at Dad's so it's going to be a madhouse non stop, and other friend hunters stopping in, no rest for the weary I guess.  Feel like the walking dead, I guess I'm glad it's not in the Rockies going up and down those hills!

Thor made it through!! But he's 5 pounds lighter!

Well, Thor made it through his "procedure" but due to the loss of his manhood he's a good 5 pounds lighter I swear, he "was" a well built pup.  Poor little guy, I was so sick to my stomach all day, then seeing the whining drunk puppy staring at me through the cage didn't help me any.  And apparently he wasn't any too happy with the two ladies at the vets office, he wouldn't let them anywhere near him. But the vet who did the surgery he had no trouble with, go figure.

Anyway, heart kind of sinks as I led him out of the vet's office as he staggered around like a drunkard, then he kept forgetting what he was doing when he had to go potty.  Lift his leg and just stand there dopey eyed.  Then of course he wanted to jump up in the truck, didn't really want him to do that, but think he'd listen?  Nope.  Whining off and on all night, would hardly sleep, just laid in secure spots and stared blankly off into space. Could hardly get a tail wag out of the little guy.

Loki was even bringing his prized toys and dropping them right by Thor off and on all night.  "here buddy, this will help, they did this to me also".

The next morning however,  GAME ON! He was raring to go and back to normal trouble causing little turd. Wanted to run all over jumping and playing like mad, me chasing him trying to get the little guy to calm down and not rip out his stitches.  Had to send him back to Burlington with Jeanne in hopes of him calming down without Loki and I to play with for a few days.

Apparently that's not going so well either hehe.  He's not used to being away from me at all. And misses Loki quite a bit also when they are apart.

Wow, talk about anxiety!

If my 7 month old pup Thor could understand English, and knew he was about to have his nuts taken from him, I'm sure he'd feel like I do while I'm up in a tree.  Really don't want to have him nutted,  but Loki is doing great since his were done no change to his personality or anything else at all. So I guess.  *sigh*.

On subject of anxiety, well I guess that's what the blog is called after all, but holy cow did I have a rough time in deer stand the other night.  First off getting into the tree, it doesn't have a stand, it's an old huge tree that is dead and most the branches have fallen and broken off and are laying down in every direction somewhat attached to the main tree trunk yet, which is about 13-15 feet tall.  But to get into the spot where you sit and wait for the wily deer, you have to crawl up one of the old branches that is kind of hanging on yet.

Well I got about 8 feet off the ground and there is no bark left on the branch so it's a tad slippery, and of course footing slipped and down I went chins first scraping all the way with the battle wounds to show for it along with bruises.  Off to a great start to the nights hunt. That got my heart pounding nicely, didn't scare me, didn't work me up, but I guess adrenaline was rushing through just enough, I made it into the stand finally anyway.  But it wasn't long and the old nerves come knocking at my door pretty quickly.   Never seen one of my "episodes", so I tried to record myself with my camera, of course had to whisper, no clue if it turned out, but wanted to see if it would help me get my mind off my "issues"..   Didn't work.

Beautiful Night To Be Out

Well, after not feeling the greatest for a few days, really starting to feel good again, haven't drank any booze for three days, so that should tell you something.  I guess I have to be on the wagon forever.  But, for the price of feeling good and not having the lingering issues that come with booze, I guess I'll take it.

But what a beautiful night to be out in the woods.

Heck with it, I am crazy, everyone else is.....

Well, Dad is off on his hunting trip for Elk in Colorado, and I'm all alone with my pup Thor, he's good company I guess, but not much for conversation.  Already lonely and feeling stressed, kinda dumb but that's my life.  Guess I just deal with it.  Fixed my chainsaw, going to cut up some wood today, actually tomorrow probably, supposed to be beautiful and much cooler out.  Set up my painting easel and paints, canvas ready to begin,  the enthusiasm for actually painting hopefully will come with it, but not so far.

And can you imagine?  Sent a picture of me "mooning" the camera and got called "rude"  LOL, me?? nevvver.  Oh well I laughed,  does that count??

Was hoping to enjoy a day and night without someone around, but not so sure now.  And I really hate sleeping alone,  dog sleeps UNDER the bed, and my dad isn't much help in that category either, no he doesn't sleep under the bed, as far as I know, he's odd but maybe not that odd.  And he surely doesn't sleep in MY bed!!

Two days until opening of bow season, I'm actually excited!  Even though I'll probably only go 5 or 6 times until the rut starts,  but this will be my first bowhunting season in 16-17 years? maybe 18 even. SO yep, excited.  Hopefully get over another fear I've gotten of getting into actual tree stands, so far now it's ground hunting in blinds for me, will just have to do, but I hate not being able to see very far and see what's coming.

Also planning on working on boats and trailer I have acquired, and doing a little bit on my pop up camper, and maybe sleeping in for "finally" the first time maybe Friday night. But it's kind of in a "stored" location, not really ideal for camping behind 2 gas tanks, get to smell diesel fuel all night, whoooppeee.  And hearing 3 coon dogs bark close by all night sounds appealing as well.

I guess my lonely little bedroom in the house may sound a bit better.  Since I have no vehicle here to go anywhere with, or to hook up to the camper to move it right now.  Maybe i'll get to watch the NFL game tonight on TV!! Instead of Dad's constant bombardment of hunting, fishing and cooking shows!!  Yes I love to DO all three things, but I get so sick of the shows about them, drives me nuts, of course he knows this, and probably why he watches them nonstop.

Ok, going to get something accomplished today, I'll write more later.

Lance

There is always hope.....

Part of the reason I started this blog is in hopes I'd reach others with the same issues I have, and hopefully be there for them if they needed help, or just so they know they aren't alone, because this disease seems to alienate you from the rest of the world at times, and you know family and friends support to get through the tough times. And most times like others out there, you basically need to have a baby sitter around for yourself just to feel safe.  And that surely doesn't help your self esteem much.  But it's how the terrible world of anxiety and panic works.

Today, I was messaged by a beautiful young lady that had seen my blog and was seeking for answers and help from anywhere in the world it would possibly come from.  We became friends on Facebook,  and shortly after that we were on the phone together, discussing our stories of how anxiety, depressions, panic disorders and agoraphobia had taken over our lives.

I was and am SO excited for the opportunity to help her through her rough times as she's suffering the same things I went through, and of course still today have some issues, but I can actually live my life again now, and I want her to enjoy what I do now, due to taking a huge step and actually getting help.  That is the biggest fear of anxiety is actually getting help, especially if you are at the point that this young lady and I share in common,  we are and were in a very bad place, and didn't know how to get out of it.  Taking that step to actually get to the Doctor is so frightening, I personally put off that frightful ordeal so long, I just fell deeper and deeper into the prison in my mind.  The longer you dwell on your fears of going, the longer you make up excuses why you can't go, or won't go, the harder it is to walk out that door into the huge world that seems like it's putting the pressure of the world on you.

Actually looking forward to Burlington return

At this point, we have returned to Argyle, and settling in for the weekend, and we'll have to return Sunday, as my medication I take once a day will run out, and I really have to take that one. Need to talk to my doctor about it, because I don't think I need that particular one.  He has me on three of them,  one I take only as I think I need it, and it's an addictive one supposedly, since it's a narcotic called Lorazepam.  It calms your nerves basically.  But I'm well ahead on taking that mad, probably have a month and a half supply now, because I just don't take it very often, but good to have just in case I have issues like I did in the Dells.

But the one that supposedly isn't addictive, if I miss it for one day, I feel "strange" if I miss it for two days I normally have a pretty good panic attack.  Now,  is the drug really helping?  Or is my body withdrawing?  Or, well, I'll have to ask him I guess,  it's only a 75mg one called venlafaxine,  he had me on 150mg once, and holy crap, that wasn't good, took those for maybe 5 days and wanted to throw them in the river.  Horrible dreams with nasty nightmares, odd thoughts, etc etc.  Back to the 75mg and still wonder what exactly they are doing to me.

OK, anyway,  since my episode in the Dells, actually a couple, I just haven't been feeling like myself as I've got to know since I have been getting better.  Just couldn't get myself settled completely.  Really needed to get back to Burlington for a bit.  A lot of the pressure I think I was feeling, was just from going to the Dells in general.  A lot of new adventures I hadn't been ABLE to do for, well going on 12 years now.  So, I think it was  bit overwhelming altogether, and after that I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty directions at once.

Roller Coaster Rides

Nah, not about amusement parks.  Living life of anxiety is full of ups and downs,  I know quite a few people with Bi-polar disorder and can sympathize with them as well.  Heck, maybe we're all messed in the head to some point or another anyway,  so why not just live on.  But, as far as my life goes, seems to rise and fall with some bouts of depression.  Have not had a lot of it since I've been "recovering" to normal life, but for some reason the last three days going on four now,  at least I assume anyway is due to some depression. as to what it's from i'm not really sure.

Working on these campers/trailers and making minimal progress, and not finishing one before really diving into the other probably didn't help.  But excitement was there and now it's dwindling a bit.  Need a refresher of some sort to get back on track.  Every gain right now seems to be off-set by two negatives.  Either way i'm not going to lose any money, just time invested even if I sold either or both trailer/campers right now, both are going to be substantial money gains.  But just getting to the end of what I'd like to have happen is trying.

So, that's what I'm putting my state of grumpy time to I think.  Spending so much time demolishing one, rebuilding another, then thinking of what it will cost me in materials, and then hope I get it back it out once I do, of course i'm worried, add stress, it's hot out, not enough sex ..........  errr moving on.

Just tired of feeling crappy for past few days.  SO dammit, I bought a bottle of booze to put it right on top of my crappy attitude tonight.  And for those who are curious?  Don't try this at home!!  Now and then I've decided to have a little nip.  Not much, just a little.  And for the first time in 3.5 days I smiled tonight. Yeah that's not good, and no I won't look to the bottle to solve issues, just felt like having a drink for a change,  I should not have one, tomorrow i'll pay for even for drink, and with my meds in my system it won't help things, and heck can't even think real clear as i'm writing this, so i'll have to read this tomorrow and see what kind of things I thought up.

Looking back, Mowing forward

Looking back, just something I haven't even given much thought to since I've been getting better.  Hard to believe it's been over a year (march 12th 2012) since I couldn't handle the panic attacks any more.  Still remember the dreadful days leading up to the visit to the emergency room.  And sitting and waiting and pacing for nearly 4 freaking hours in that emergency room.  Shaking, trembling, scared to death.

Yeah, was NOT real happy about that.  But dammit I was there, I was not leaving until I got help for this crap, no matter what.  But the memories of how bad I had gotten.  The misery I was in,  Blah, was just terrible, I can't imagine anyone ever going through that. I've talked to so many with panic and anxiety, literally hundreds, and thankfully nobody else I've come acrossed has had panic that bad.  Not a contest, but just glad is all.

So, over a year, and the leaps I've made to me is just unreal, going from what I was, to what I am now, boggles the mind truthfully.  Anxiety is still there, yeah.  probably always will be to some extent, at least

that's what the doctor "hints" at more or less.  But not being a prisoner to my own mind any longer is just plain awesome.  I still feel the need to take steps to make myself feel, well I guess "safe" while i'm out alone places, especially new places I haven't been.  Always have a cell phone with me, and I usually take my medications with me in case I need a bit more help.  But rarely do I ever take any extra.

Just being able to go to Argyle to see my family.  And be able to stay there while Jeanne goes back to Burlington.  For years I couldn't be more than a yell away from her.  Only person I felt completely safe with I guess?  Hard to explain it, so it's refreshing to say the least to not have to rely on that "need" and go do our own things when we want.

So, mowing forward, of course that anxiety and panic still rears it's ugly head occasionally, last few nights had some pretty tough times when I go to bed, have to get up for a while and paint, or get on the computer until it passes.  Had a few times in the car lately where I was ready to jump out, but it passes. So, it's all about fighting, learning and winning the battle, not letting it win, not giving in to it, remembering you won't die from it, just breathe, relax,think of something else and it'll soon go away.

Time to Start blogging again. The Hunt chapter one:

Alright, yeah I've been inconsistent with blogging, and lot of people have actually asked when I was going to start again,  so, here's to my public followers, and thank you for reading.

Ok, I left off I believe a good month ago, our big trip back to Argyle and my first time hunting since 1996, this really is a great year for me, first time fishing in about 12 years, first time hunting since "96".  Things really are moving forward, not FAST by all means, still have occasional issues, but damn, I'm going hunting.  If you ask Jeanne, was driving her nuts, I was SO excited to get going, was ready to leave a week before season opened.

Well time had come, and we took off, the 3 of us on our next journey, Loki as excited as I it seemed, he was a nervous wreck worse than I.  And once again, great trip had no problems riding in the car whatsoever,  but Grandma wasn't going to be home yet, she was still in hospital in Darlington after her second successful hip replacement, so after morning hunt on Saturday we'd go see her in the hospital, that'll be another step for me, another new place to visit, well not knew, but since my anxiety is slowly getting worked on, everything is new to me after so long in my mental prison, like learning to walk all over again.

Here comes Santa Clause! too early

Well, we got done with the Mukwonago house basically on the 1st for move in today,  last 3 days of working were 12 hour ones and I had come down with a nasty nasty cold, was miserable trying to focus and get crap done.  And I don't think anyone but Richard still has gotten a thank you for doing all the work for the mother in law.  That just eats at me terrible.  And I was messing with the kids in the kitchen a bit ago just now, and got a "why don't you go somewhere else from the woman again.   *sigh*.

So, I guess I look forward to seeing MY family coming up soon,  deer hunting starts on the 17th, I still plan on going, or at the least going over there for a few days, would love to stay for a week, but I'm sure Jeanne will go nuts being there too long without her internet.  I miss it a little, but after a couple days, you just forget about it, busy doing other things.

Coyotes are calling!

About a week since my last post, just haven't felt like writing, and that's not good for keeping my readers happy.  Sorry about that.  Felt fine, just been running around doing crap.  So, the trail camera I bought,  wasn't happy at first, but a lot was user error.  Too high placement, too low, tinker with settings.  One hint is don't put it on too small a tree, every breeze that blows you get 30 pictures, you get a big windy day you'll fill the camera up with 600 pictures of the wind blowing.  Been there, done that.

About 3 feet off the ground and sturdy attachment will get you what you want.  Which in my case after a week of tinkering was one morning dove flying by lol.  But, besides my interest in critters of all types, I'm using this as another thing for me to do to push myself and make myself walk further alone, and with Loki away from the house.  At first I kept moving the camera a little further away, but now I have a great spot about 300 yards or so from the house on a fence line.  I shouldn't be checking it everyday, due to getting my scent in the area too often.  But I look forward to the exercise and the unknowing what might of been captured.

Not ready to solo yet!

Been trying to push myself in different ways.  I stay on my regular medications which is supposed to just keep a certain level in your system, and it's the kind that doesn't impair you in any way.  And use a little less or none of my other meds that can be addicting, and do cause a bit of inpairment, not really noticable unless you take full dose, which is only 1 milligram, but it's kind of like having a couple drinks.  You feel relaxed.  But even in times of severe panic those pills only cut the suffering a bit.  They do work now when I have an attack, but I think at some point they are a bit of placebo.

Anyway, going for rides with Jeanne, if I know we aren't planning on long trips or store visits, I try to go without my relaxant meds.  Many times I take the bottle of meds with me in case, and that really is the placebo effect, sometimes I'm fine just a little jumpy.  And when I leave it at home, I tend to think about it, therefore more jumpy, so I'm trying to push myself to not NEED those meds, but right now since it's been 7 months already, but really not long compared to the nearly 11 years of going through the anxiety,  I'll be on all the meds a while longer consistently.

Family coming to Visit!

Hunting season starts soon, so, that means Greg aka Dad, won't be seen much for about 2 months, SO, Grandma, Dad, and Aunt Linda going to come down and stay for the night.  Always good to see them, lifts my spirits up.  And they can see all the changes we did to our places with the new paint, and a few added items.  And of course Grandma can't come without bringing have the grocery store with her geez.  Can't even remember everything she's bringing,  but I did here 2 racks of RIBS!! After that the rest was kind of lost hehe.

So, that'll be fun, they are coming on Monday.  This past week, we took Loki into the vet again, his ears and nose, and his right eyelid still having a lot of redness, some swelling, and lots and lots of itching.  This time the vet gaves us some cream to put on it, and within 2 days he's already looking like he's almost back to normal.  We still don't know what in the heck it is,  we're all guessing allergies the way it looked.  But did the allergies go away with the rain or did the medications and lotion work.  pfft don't know.

Figuring out some issues

Going to skip over a few days to get right to the present time, because I've been having some bad flare ups of anxiety the last week.  Biggest thing I believe I can attribute to it, is I've been playing some computer games for quite a long time at night for past 4-5 days.  Today at home wasn't feeling great, needed to go to the hardware store for a part for a light fixture.  Wasn't comfortable going there, and was ready to scream in the store, couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I've been to this store already, just once but it was still not foreign to me.

But i'm really quite pissed off at this panic i'm feeling.  Or more so annoyed with letting it get to me, and probably causing it myself.  I know playing video games and sitting on my ass leads to issues with anxiety every time.

Back to "normal" ?

Well, home again.  Already miss the farm,  but I know for a fact if the farm still had cows?  I doubt I'd be saying the same thing.  But, now to clean up the aftermath of short vacations with clothes and dog toys to find home for, and the closet I cleaned out after a short 21 year tenure.  Wow what a flashback to the 80's holy crap!!

Did find quite a few hidden treasures that were long forgotten, but that's not important to the world.  Not sure we even got a welcome back except from the kids,  all I heard was "we wondered when you were coming home, the grass needs to be cut".  Welcome home! 

It's Monday, need rest!!, spent the whole day just trying to organize the mess we brought back,  Loki was right back at home and right back to normal, not sure I was though.  Not much really happened besides back to the normal routine right off the bat,  constant knocking on our door, and being pulled away for constant,  "I can't find this, where is it at".   Wasn't my day to watch it response usually gets me a dirty look, but heck I didn't touch whatever you are looking for, why do we always have to know where everything is gee whiz hehe.

Final Day and heading home!

Last day on the farm, not sure if I'm ready to go back or not, but pretty sure other home would fall apart without Jeanne and I there,  grass will be 2 feet tall, hopefully someone fed the kids!!
Got up nice and early, beautiful almost chilly nights sleep, what a change from the heat,  did the morning Loki saying hello ritual to Grandma and Linda, then outside for a little walk and the potty dance, and chased a few grasshoppers around,  Loki's new favorite toy.

Another big breakfast and then Dad stopped up early,  I mentioned seeing some old pictures and talking about family, and family history, so I dug around in the attic and a couple other spots I still remembered Grandma usually kept keepsakes, and sure enough we spent probably the next 3 hours with our noses buried in family history.  What a joy that was, and pictures that were dating back to the 1860's of our family, Wow that was fun.  Spent so long at it almost forgot about lunch, which we dug into once again, then right back to a new "old" box of photos.  Going back to my dad's dad, dad, errr whatever that is hehe.