The hunt continues with not much progress

Been a few days since I've posted.  Been so busy hunting and running around just haven't taken the time.  Soon as you get done hunting in the morning, time you get 14 layers of clothes off from trying to keep warm and dry, you are ready for a nap.  But then just when you wanna do that, you are hungry, make breakfast then you are really sleepy.  Sit down for a bit, relax food coma sets in, stand up to take a nap, then another hunter friend stops in to chat.  One friend leaves someone else stops by, pretty soon, it's lunch time.  Phones ringing, more people stop by.  next thing you know it's 3 o'clock and time to get ready for hunting again.

I tell you this hunting for food is work!!  The cavemen did indeed have it nice without having to worry about phone calls, and they probably just speared anyone that stopped by to say "hello" when it was nap time.  Then they had more food.   Hmmm.

Anyway,  hunting is still great fun, the deer stands are still tough at times,  a few of them seem to be great for my brain to handle, some not so much.  But having killed 2 deer already.  I'm pretty good on meat for the winter into spring, so the pressure is off on that, now I can just wait for a "real buck" been a long time, I want a big one. Gun hunting doesn't count that much in my book, too easy.

Getting easier to sit in tree stands!

Didn't even notice until today, but getting in stand and staying in the stands is getting easier and easier, feel much more comfortable.  So that's a huge upside,  downside is, can't get any good sized bucks to actually make an appearance at least close enough to shoot anyway, getting frustrated.  Dad and I saw all kinds of bucks running around this morning, 3 only had one antler , one side missing, we have some really crappy bucks around here.

I did see one that was an actual shooter but of course he was hot on a does butt, 150 yards away and wanted nothing to do with me, and that buck had a forky behind him, and then a button buck got on his tail.  pretty funny.   Saw a ton of big Turkey gobblers come by this morning also.  So we sat in the same spots tonight, figured they'd still be chasing that doe around in there tonight.  But we both blanked, not a darn thing moving anywhere.  What a boring night.

Went for a cruise around  Josh's hunting area with Jason the other night, and only saw 124 deer, and about 15 bucks 4 really nice ones.  *sigh*  wish we had that kind of deer around.  Couldn't even drive down the road, there was deer walking right down the road, crossing everywhere, laying five feet off the road, it was insane.  Haven't seen 124 deer since beginning of bow season around Argyle combined, maybe half that. Let alone ONE night of driving around.

Winter is here?

Nice seeing the white stuff falling for a little while, but go away hehe.  sure is pretty out though.  Fun on deer stand, you can see everything so much clearer and further.  But alas,  I didn't see a darn thing tonight.  Everyone else did that hunts with us saw a bunch, but not me what the heck.  And it was a frigid night on stand for sure.  My butt kept freezing to the seat on the stand.   Wind howling, looked like a great night after a storm moving through but not for me.

Anyway, last 4 days been up and down, have a good day then bad day , rinse repeat.  Today been great, but the deer stands been winning,  well I shouldn't say that.  right now we're even 2 to 2.  Made it through two nights without having to get out and relax on the ground for a bit, other two nights I was up and down several times, those nights of course would explain lack of seeing anything at all, not tonight, was real good.   This morning same.  But first night back I was a mess,  I was up and down 5 times and never did settle down.  Oh well, I'll keep fighting.

Stayed in the camper last 3 nights, however, tonight and at least tomorrow I'm going to chicken out, down to zero windchill and windy, the furnace works good, but propane isn't that cheap after awhile, so I'll just have to go inside for a couple nights then back out.  Just love it in that little camper.  Quiet, peace of mind, no phones ringing.  Peaceful.  Except the 20 mph winds shaking the thing all over.

Thought a couple random pictures were needed lol

OK, so roads were looking a little slick today, talked Jeanne into staying until tomorrow, she'll make the trek back to Burlington for a while, I'll stay here and keep trying to find my "good" buck.  Yeah I shot two little ones, but hey, I haven't shot a deer in 15 years, I'm entitled I think to thinning the herd a bit right?

I'm good on meat now, two deer will get me through winter and then some, so I don't really need another one, BUT  I really want to shoot a good buck, been too long.

Been and interesting year,  lots of ups and downs and breakthroughs.  No set backs worth even mentioning.  Can't wait for the next year to see what challenges I can tackle.

Anyway,  mostly just been hunting and pushing myself more than I should probably, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

See you tomorrow.

Lance

Too MUCH CORN!!!! Some will understand!

Well, it was time to head back to see my "other" family for a while, needed a break was wearing myself out constant going going "hunting"  I know it seems like it's just playing around, but dang I was getting pooped out, and stressed from constant bombardment of people everywhere you turned, kids yelling and kicking, dogs running crazy. Chaos.  Sleep in the camper, retreat to the camper, helped a lot.  But now back in Burlington for a few days, I MISS MY CAMPER!!

Fresh air and cool weather, even the bed was great, I see why those things are loved by so many, home away from home I tell you!

But it was time to get back for a few apparently sleepless nights, I slept maybe 2 hours all night, and what I did manage in sleep was constant very odd dreams. I think I may have missed some regularly scheduled meds I should have taken?  Don't feel sick, so that's what I'm going to have to go with.

Was nice getting greeted by my baby Thor after 10 days away from my little buddy.  You would think I was gone for a year the way I was greeted, he nearly bent himself in half wiggling his way to me, then I was mauled with a face lapping and whining for 15 minutes.  Brings a smile to your heart.  Never know he'd got his "boy parts" taken from him 11 days before, never changed a bit, but I still feel bad for him.

On a different note, after seeing such huge bucks around Argyle.  And so many deer running everywhere I just had to get away to smaller bucks and less deer.. ...... ..  Ok Ok.. sarcasm filter didn't catch that one.  Can't believe how little deer we have and the DNR says kill em all there is thousands!!!  Well our game cameras tell a different story!  But we do have 200 acres of standing corn for them to hide in.  Would be seeing more without that still up. But it will save the deer and give them places to hide on our farm.But Burlington.... this is another reason I "needed" and "wanted" to come back for a little.

 No not this one, the time on clock didn't change for daylights saving time.  I was checking my camera in hopes of getting a picture of the guy below this.  But there was deer out feeding, so I just pulled my camera out quick and didn't spook the deer.

 Now, THIS is a deer, I've seen him and his 2 buddies several times, but never close enough to get a shot.  In case you are wondering?  Yeah that is a big son of a buck. And one of his buddies is bigger, one just a tad smaller.

And of course one of our nuisance neighbors, there is a ton of coyotes around here.

The hunt continues!

And I must say it isn't going well.  But I am getting worn out quick.  Thing is, trying to hunt only out of tree stands, and it's really rough on me, I can relax to a point, as long as I can hang on to something but that makes it hard to shoot, I don't know if it's just fear or it's something to do with my medication also? I just don't know, but some of the stands just aren't easy to sit in.  But it's really wearing me out, it's constant adrenaline pushing through me the entire stand time no matter what, let alone when a deer starts to come him, your heart starts pounding a bit more on top of everything else.

No matter how little or big a deer is, when they come in, the excitement or more so the enjoyment of seeing them coming in so close is always there, why it's so much fun.  And work.  But having to stay so still, and move so slow and quiet, that wears on you with your adrenaline pushing through.  I'm about all in by the time I get done with hunting each time, takes me a while to calm down when I get back home.

Then Dr. Lance G hits a huge body nice buck, with his stone tipped arrow, so we have to miss the Packer game to help him trail his buck over by Brodhead,  got to bed at 2 am. that hurt, didn't hunt that morning hehe.  But was so nice to help Lance find his great buck!  That's the only thing I'd miss watching a packer game for!

But it's been non stop goin going gone.  Dragging deer out, getting up early, going to bed late, and now time change is coming up soon, which will screw us up more and more.  Get up at 4 am yuck.  And this week we'll have 5 or 6 more people staying at Dad's so it's going to be a madhouse non stop, and other friend hunters stopping in, no rest for the weary I guess.  Feel like the walking dead, I guess I'm glad it's not in the Rockies going up and down those hills!

Revenge on one deer!

The deer hunt continues, and they are moving around, but so much corn yet, they mostly aren't coming out til after dark. But a couple nights ago, I no longer got into stand and here comes a little buck, tiny one, spike on one side and forked points on the other, nice size deer, but just not what I want, at least not right at this moment.

Well he fed through and back into the corn he went 20 yards away and slipped out of sight. And I'm finally braving sitting up in the deer stands, I'm not comfortable but I'm making It through the day and night stands  without having to get out for a while so I can breathe again.  But anyway, another 15 minutes passed and here comes another buck, and he's a MONSTER!!  Nice body deer, but little spikes on the little guy, I videoed him for 6 minutes, and I kept grunting him back in and again right under my stand, it was not yet his time to end up in the freezer.

While the little buck still looking for the grunt origin, here comes a big doe from the other direction, and I'm turned the wrong way to shoot her and I want here badly!  She was clueless coming in, had no idea I was there, but I had to turn around completely to shoot her, and while turning as quiet as I can, my boot clipped part of the stand and clanged, and off she went, and I was NOT happy to say the least, would of been a 10 yard easy shot.

So my frustrations just turned to that poor little buck that was still around and looking for whatever was grunting at him, and I let out another series of grunts, and here he comes again, just to my east 7 yards, as I drew back my Longbow he came into a perfect shooting lane,  I decided it's time for some meat and let fly, the arrow struck true, easily a lung hit, as he crashed through the brush to the east.

Thor made it through!! But he's 5 pounds lighter!

Well, Thor made it through his "procedure" but due to the loss of his manhood he's a good 5 pounds lighter I swear, he "was" a well built pup.  Poor little guy, I was so sick to my stomach all day, then seeing the whining drunk puppy staring at me through the cage didn't help me any.  And apparently he wasn't any too happy with the two ladies at the vets office, he wouldn't let them anywhere near him. But the vet who did the surgery he had no trouble with, go figure.

Anyway, heart kind of sinks as I led him out of the vet's office as he staggered around like a drunkard, then he kept forgetting what he was doing when he had to go potty.  Lift his leg and just stand there dopey eyed.  Then of course he wanted to jump up in the truck, didn't really want him to do that, but think he'd listen?  Nope.  Whining off and on all night, would hardly sleep, just laid in secure spots and stared blankly off into space. Could hardly get a tail wag out of the little guy.

Loki was even bringing his prized toys and dropping them right by Thor off and on all night.  "here buddy, this will help, they did this to me also".

The next morning however,  GAME ON! He was raring to go and back to normal trouble causing little turd. Wanted to run all over jumping and playing like mad, me chasing him trying to get the little guy to calm down and not rip out his stitches.  Had to send him back to Burlington with Jeanne in hopes of him calming down without Loki and I to play with for a few days.

Apparently that's not going so well either hehe.  He's not used to being away from me at all. And misses Loki quite a bit also when they are apart.

Feels like winter coming!

Leaves turned quickly and are falling like rain, cold windy and rainy out, only thing this temperature is good for is HUNTING!! Thank God I can do that again, every day I feel so lucky to be able to be out and be able to hunt again, especially without having to have a babysitter.   And Jeanne is thankful that I don't need her to baby sit me constantly. 

As much as I loved hunting and fishing, that is what I've missed the most in my long struggle is that ability to do it whenever I wanted to, and have that taken away from me was so hard.  Now I can actually have a resemblance of normalcy back into why crazy world. 

On a different note. My Grandma had a nice birthday party for Amber and Dan's youngest today, her first birthday!  Nice time getting to see them as well as getting to chat with Phil and Jill again, really enjoy listening to their stories and my Dad just loves them do death.  Hopefully can get to see them more often. Good friends, good health good times.  And of course I have to play the creepy older step-brother to Amber which I know she adores.

So, we gained a few extra unwanted pounds, now back down to Dad's house and I'm putting up some patchwork insulation in my pop up camper so I don't freeze my tootsies off as the weather drops again tonight into the low 30's.  Last night was all right.  It does have a propane furnace which works well enough.  Installed smoke detector and carbon monoxide testers,  but I won't have the luxury of that heater if we camp this time of year where there is no electricity, so I'm trying to get by without using that.  Using emergency blankets to cover the windows, blankets to section off both pop up bed sections, layering on another set of blankets on top and under the sleeping bags.  

It's windy and cold out now, and was nice and toasty warm, but not 30 degree "warm" so we'll see how tonight goes :).

Ok, hunting. again I know right?  I'll keep it simple, sat in a ground blind, saw an enormous doe and her fawn again, but they just don't like coming anywhere near our blind.  Have to rethink that location of the blind I believe.

Moving on for now. Did dream I shot an African Lion and a doe last night on the farm, which I thought was odd?  And was dreaming I was back selling real estate again.  I really miss that job, loved it.  Felt horrible having to basically call in "sick" to my manager one late night, and say I just couldn't continue on because of this anxiety crap.  My living was gone. I missed 3 years of the best real estate buying and selling there ever was and probably ever will be again. 

Tornado! Nah not really

OK, what's new?  I tell you what, for once not a heck of a lot.  I know Amber will be disappointed
but I'll just have to ramble through this one and hope for the best!

Had my Doctor appointment after 6 months away from the shrink.  Was actually good to get back and talk with him, the last 6 months have been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs and new and different stresses.  I guess first off, can tell that I have been drinking occasionally,  blood pressure was "way up" from 6 months ago.  110/72  which is still very very good, and pulse rate 72 which is down for me, mine tends to run higher than I like, but still under the "average".

My weight is growing nicely.  I say that with a smirk, because 194 is NOT where I want to be that's about 12 unwanted and unneeded and unloved poundage that I just hate having hehe.  Well Doctor said, it's been quite a joy really seeing how far I've come since I first started seeing him.  And reminded me any "new" stresses introduced will probably risk a trigger of some panic attacks, meaning any new things I try to do, and to try to keep to a normal schedule, especially sleeping and eating, and lay off the booze!!! Well he said I could have one now and then, but that Jeanne was supposed to call him if I start to tip the glass too often.  And I agreed that she should tattle on me if I abused the stuff.

But reminding me of normal sleep patterns and the like, was a reminder to myself that I can't push beyond my means until I can handle it, and I keep having reminders when I go to far.  Wisconsin Dells, I had a bad one up there, due to drinking,  car trouble,  doing a ton of things I'm not used to, added a lot of stress, and finally built up.

Deer hunting, when I had a bad panic attack while in a tree, which is never good for sure, but there was added stress building up to that as well, but mainly just being up in that tree wasn't where I should be.  Doc also kind of reminded me, it took 10 years of my life to build up a lot of issues in my nerves in my brain that were out of line due to all the panic, and it very well could take all of that time again to get back to where I was.

Wow, talk about anxiety!

If my 7 month old pup Thor could understand English, and knew he was about to have his nuts taken from him, I'm sure he'd feel like I do while I'm up in a tree.  Really don't want to have him nutted,  but Loki is doing great since his were done no change to his personality or anything else at all. So I guess.  *sigh*.

On subject of anxiety, well I guess that's what the blog is called after all, but holy cow did I have a rough time in deer stand the other night.  First off getting into the tree, it doesn't have a stand, it's an old huge tree that is dead and most the branches have fallen and broken off and are laying down in every direction somewhat attached to the main tree trunk yet, which is about 13-15 feet tall.  But to get into the spot where you sit and wait for the wily deer, you have to crawl up one of the old branches that is kind of hanging on yet.

Well I got about 8 feet off the ground and there is no bark left on the branch so it's a tad slippery, and of course footing slipped and down I went chins first scraping all the way with the battle wounds to show for it along with bruises.  Off to a great start to the nights hunt. That got my heart pounding nicely, didn't scare me, didn't work me up, but I guess adrenaline was rushing through just enough, I made it into the stand finally anyway.  But it wasn't long and the old nerves come knocking at my door pretty quickly.   Never seen one of my "episodes", so I tried to record myself with my camera, of course had to whisper, no clue if it turned out, but wanted to see if it would help me get my mind off my "issues"..   Didn't work.

Beautiful Night To Be Out

Well, after not feeling the greatest for a few days, really starting to feel good again, haven't drank any booze for three days, so that should tell you something.  I guess I have to be on the wagon forever.  But, for the price of feeling good and not having the lingering issues that come with booze, I guess I'll take it.

But what a beautiful night to be out in the woods.

Ok, New truck, life slightly back to normal?

Alright, so life getting slowly back to normal I guess, fast and furious search to replace our broken up Ford Escape by that nasty little deer has come to a speedy conclusion already.  Faster than I really thought it would, I was being very picky.  Was looking for another Ford, that's all I've ever liked or had.  But when you see a price tag at a dealership for 12,000 bucks on 100,000 miles on 2004 models ?? I don't think so.  But I used the time to play with the salespeople to see what kind of prices I could get them down to.  Little surprising how overpriced the dealers have them at apparently.  So, playing with salespeople got to be fun, got 12000 down to 7900 pretty quickly.

But that wasn't even the price what it was worth. So, more calling more dickering on prices, until I got kind of talked into a Dodge Durango.  83,000 miles for one heck of a price.  I might even sell it for what it's really worth I got such a good deal on it.  I even test drove it, and really amazed at how great that SUV feels.  2006 model , v-8 4.7 liter engine, the thing roars, looks good and feels like a tank and drives like a Mercedes.  Within reason anyway but you get my point.

No internet? You kidding ME?

After a week of just poor bewilderment and just chaos, top it off with two days without internet or cable TV?  COME ON!!  What doesn't kill you will make you stronger?  Well I tell you, at this point in life not sure anything else will bother me.

First of course the deer wrecking my truck.  Then find out it's nearly $5000 to fix it?  Then the wonderful insurance adjuster as wonderful and fair as they are, says vehicle is only worth 200 dollars UNDER the damage estimate??? Not sure how that's really possible, but whatever! And kelley blue book said my vehicle 7 months ago was worth nearly 2200 dollars more than it is now?

Life is not fair at times I swear.  Then of course I had to ask what vehicles this guy is comparing to. I get the "short" list of comparables.  So, I get on the phone and check out these "comparable"... One is at 4400 bucks, sure, yep it's almost identical, except he left out the part where it needs 1500 dollars worth of repairs.  A few more calls led me to believe, I'm not getting a real fair deal here, and there isn't going to one one dang thing I can do about it.  He's already said, and immediately he had said it's considered "totaled".   So the comparables, are if my vehicle was in working condition prior to the accident.

So, I call him on these comparable,  and after going through the list, and explain his errors, yes kindly.  He says, ok fine,  it's now worth 6500 and now we won't consider it totaled.  What the hell is this guy smoking?  What a scam they run, good lord.

Interesting few days

                                                       The poor truck.

Well, was all excited to go hunting, then of course I get the phone call from Jeanne that she hit a deer outside Janesville, and by the steam coming from the front of the truck, yeah well not good. Of course that upset me a great deal, yeah should of asked if she was ok, but, like a "guy" was more concerned apparently for my vehicle (hey she wouldn't of called if she wasn't ok) so, I guess it was presumed.  But all I saw was dollar signs shooting out the billfold.  Good insurance yeah, but still a big pain in the ass. And my poor Ford Escape.  Now I get to wonder if the damage is enough that they will want to just "total" it, and hope I don't get screwed with insurance payout.

So, anyway, that of course sent my anxiety into it's own little overdrive, wasn't bad, but no way I was going to be able to drive over there to pick her up, or even ride along at this point.  So Grandma and Aunt Linda to the rescue!  They didn't get to Argyle until about 12:15 am.  In the meantime I was making phone calls to insurance agent to leave a message, I took care of calling the police and setting up all that crap.  Jeanne was a tad upset when she called, so spent the time calming her down,  I gave her little things to do at the time, to get her mind off it, didn't seem to take long.

Had her check on the deer, to see if it was hurting or dead, that took some prodding to do, have to tap on it's eyeball to see if there was any reaction, she apparently wasn't too thrilled about doing that,  finally achieved that and there was no reaction, so the deer didn't suffer at all, was dead on impact.  as apparent with the damage to the poor Ford.  Was hoping to keep the deer, but with that kind of hit on it, wasn't much meet left to be preserved.
                                                         
                                 the accident scene can see 1 small left over piece of the truck

Heck with it, I am crazy, everyone else is.....

Well, Dad is off on his hunting trip for Elk in Colorado, and I'm all alone with my pup Thor, he's good company I guess, but not much for conversation.  Already lonely and feeling stressed, kinda dumb but that's my life.  Guess I just deal with it.  Fixed my chainsaw, going to cut up some wood today, actually tomorrow probably, supposed to be beautiful and much cooler out.  Set up my painting easel and paints, canvas ready to begin,  the enthusiasm for actually painting hopefully will come with it, but not so far.

And can you imagine?  Sent a picture of me "mooning" the camera and got called "rude"  LOL, me?? nevvver.  Oh well I laughed,  does that count??

Was hoping to enjoy a day and night without someone around, but not so sure now.  And I really hate sleeping alone,  dog sleeps UNDER the bed, and my dad isn't much help in that category either, no he doesn't sleep under the bed, as far as I know, he's odd but maybe not that odd.  And he surely doesn't sleep in MY bed!!

Two days until opening of bow season, I'm actually excited!  Even though I'll probably only go 5 or 6 times until the rut starts,  but this will be my first bowhunting season in 16-17 years? maybe 18 even. SO yep, excited.  Hopefully get over another fear I've gotten of getting into actual tree stands, so far now it's ground hunting in blinds for me, will just have to do, but I hate not being able to see very far and see what's coming.

Also planning on working on boats and trailer I have acquired, and doing a little bit on my pop up camper, and maybe sleeping in for "finally" the first time maybe Friday night. But it's kind of in a "stored" location, not really ideal for camping behind 2 gas tanks, get to smell diesel fuel all night, whoooppeee.  And hearing 3 coon dogs bark close by all night sounds appealing as well.

I guess my lonely little bedroom in the house may sound a bit better.  Since I have no vehicle here to go anywhere with, or to hook up to the camper to move it right now.  Maybe i'll get to watch the NFL game tonight on TV!! Instead of Dad's constant bombardment of hunting, fishing and cooking shows!!  Yes I love to DO all three things, but I get so sick of the shows about them, drives me nuts, of course he knows this, and probably why he watches them nonstop.

Ok, going to get something accomplished today, I'll write more later.

Lance

Back at the Farm,,,, again.

                                My dear Grandma playing along with her goofy grandson.

Decided to come back a day early,  but we're here, back at the farm again. So nice being able to just pack up and go, and not worry about the drive, or getting in a vehicle whatsoever. Love it Love it love it.   So nice to be free again! 

Ok, moving on, not going to dwell on anxiety this time.  It's time for bow hunting darn it!!

Oh, and Happy Birthday to my mother today!!!  Promised her to paint her a picture, *sigh* to hot to paint, but I better get it done, maybe a polar bear, during a blizzard!,  (blank white canvas).  

That may not fly dunno.

Ok, so... my first time archery deer hunting in a long long time, looking forward to it, I still won't be real excited until the rutting season starts, but just being able to go without someone having to babysit me will be great, or have to have Jeanne sitting in the car in a reasonable distance away in case I freak out.  No worries anymore.

Holy cow, nobody has ever died from anxiety!

Did you know that?  Well according to a Google search on the matter at least, worldwide studies have shown that anxiety and panic attacks will not kill you!  Whew what a relief.  In my worst times, I wish it did kill me, because it sure as heck felt like it.

But when I finally reached the lowest depths I could, and decided now, now is the time, it must end, not my life, but the beginning of a new life a new world.  I was going to the hospital and that's it, I knew I would be scared to death going there, being there, but it's a hospital.  They know what to do for anxiety problems, sure It sucked waiting there, but life began again for me that night, I was reborn.  Thank god.

SO, I totally agree that no matter what is thrown at you with anxiety, it sure as heck won't kill you, no matter how bad it seems.

Wonderful cycle of anxiety and panic.  It's so odd how it works, so complex yet so simple.  It's amazing how fast you can talk yourself into a panic attack, and just like that, it's gone just as fast. The problem is, without medical help for most people, the panic gets worse the longer you wait, gets easier and easier to go into full blown panic for more and more things, quicker, they will last longer and make it harder to overcome, sleep becomes far and between.

Anyway, 10 years of hell, and a year and half of recovery so far, and growing with every day, and all it took was one trip to the hospital, and determination that I wasn't leaving until I got the help I needed, and a course of follow up action to keep anxiety and panic further out of reach each day there after.  Every day is no longer a struggle anymore, sure panic jumps in now and then, but as quick as it comes it goes away.

There is always hope.....

Part of the reason I started this blog is in hopes I'd reach others with the same issues I have, and hopefully be there for them if they needed help, or just so they know they aren't alone, because this disease seems to alienate you from the rest of the world at times, and you know family and friends support to get through the tough times. And most times like others out there, you basically need to have a baby sitter around for yourself just to feel safe.  And that surely doesn't help your self esteem much.  But it's how the terrible world of anxiety and panic works.

Today, I was messaged by a beautiful young lady that had seen my blog and was seeking for answers and help from anywhere in the world it would possibly come from.  We became friends on Facebook,  and shortly after that we were on the phone together, discussing our stories of how anxiety, depressions, panic disorders and agoraphobia had taken over our lives.

I was and am SO excited for the opportunity to help her through her rough times as she's suffering the same things I went through, and of course still today have some issues, but I can actually live my life again now, and I want her to enjoy what I do now, due to taking a huge step and actually getting help.  That is the biggest fear of anxiety is actually getting help, especially if you are at the point that this young lady and I share in common,  we are and were in a very bad place, and didn't know how to get out of it.  Taking that step to actually get to the Doctor is so frightening, I personally put off that frightful ordeal so long, I just fell deeper and deeper into the prison in my mind.  The longer you dwell on your fears of going, the longer you make up excuses why you can't go, or won't go, the harder it is to walk out that door into the huge world that seems like it's putting the pressure of the world on you.

Actually looking forward to Burlington return

At this point, we have returned to Argyle, and settling in for the weekend, and we'll have to return Sunday, as my medication I take once a day will run out, and I really have to take that one. Need to talk to my doctor about it, because I don't think I need that particular one.  He has me on three of them,  one I take only as I think I need it, and it's an addictive one supposedly, since it's a narcotic called Lorazepam.  It calms your nerves basically.  But I'm well ahead on taking that mad, probably have a month and a half supply now, because I just don't take it very often, but good to have just in case I have issues like I did in the Dells.

But the one that supposedly isn't addictive, if I miss it for one day, I feel "strange" if I miss it for two days I normally have a pretty good panic attack.  Now,  is the drug really helping?  Or is my body withdrawing?  Or, well, I'll have to ask him I guess,  it's only a 75mg one called venlafaxine,  he had me on 150mg once, and holy crap, that wasn't good, took those for maybe 5 days and wanted to throw them in the river.  Horrible dreams with nasty nightmares, odd thoughts, etc etc.  Back to the 75mg and still wonder what exactly they are doing to me.

OK, anyway,  since my episode in the Dells, actually a couple, I just haven't been feeling like myself as I've got to know since I have been getting better.  Just couldn't get myself settled completely.  Really needed to get back to Burlington for a bit.  A lot of the pressure I think I was feeling, was just from going to the Dells in general.  A lot of new adventures I hadn't been ABLE to do for, well going on 12 years now.  So, I think it was  bit overwhelming altogether, and after that I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty directions at once.

To the Dells we go... tomorrow

Alright, so we headed to Argyle with our newly refurbished pop-up camper.  Of course we set it up once we got to Argyle to finalize a few things, and of course that lead to, well it wasn't completely done being refurbished, but oh well. it's close enough for now.  Will finish a few odds and ends that were overlooked a bit. Minor things at least.  The campers sure are neat, more or less just a step up from tent camping with your butts off the ground.  Tows great, nice and smooth, Jeanne was a nervous wreck for the 2 hour drive, but she's never had to tow anything before, so it was expected.

Probably didn't help that whenever she got comfortable, i'd say something like, hmm I think the tires may be going flat, or should it be swaying like that?   There was nothing wrong, but I'm kind of demented and like to give her a hard time hehe.

But anyway, it's up, it's cool, we like it and were going to take it all the way to the Dells this weekend with my Dad, Jeanne and I and the two dogs.  But once we looked at what the weather is going to be??  Mid-90's hot and humid maybe only 70's at night?  We think towing it another 2 hours north from Argyle, to be hot all day,  and maybe miserable at night, might just be worth a motel room for a couple nights until we get an air conditioner for the camper.

Fell asleep about 3:00 am this morning finally, had to take some of my meds I don't like to HAVE to take, but finally they worked, but at 5:45am I see these eyes posted below looking at me, about that far away, whining and a little kiss on my nose.. "daddy I gotta go potty".....