Spring back ? Fall Ahead? Where is summer?

You have to be kidding me, so we made the trip to Argyle last weekend, to see family and meet up with friends for a "working" supper.  And we get dumped on with a foot of the white powdery stuff?

Someone needs a talk with Mother Nature, must be her time of the month or something this is ridiculous.  Only in Wisconsin can you be sunbathing on Saturday and Snowmobiling on Sunday. Gotta love it.  Guess I do or I'd move to Alaska where the weather apparently is more on an even level with the time of year you happen to live.

Oh Doctor Doctor!

Happened to think of a few more things the doctor had told me.  Found interesting and made a lot of sense and made things a little more clear for me.  Of course the part I wasn't real happy with was the fact that it could take all of the 10 years I lost to this wonderful issue to regain complete control of my life again,  or it may take longer, or sooner, It's a crapshoot at best.  But one of the things was he said, that anxiety and panic are one of the most painful "diseases" for lack of a better word, that there is.  It has no real symptoms per say.  It's the invisible pain, no one can see it.

The example he based on similar like for like, is depression, you can see a lot in people when they suffer depression, the signs are very evident if you look.  The sulking, the lack of get up and go, hanging your head, no interest in things anymore, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere, and he mentioned that those issues can usually receive empathy and compassion from people, consoling and trying to help them.  With anxiety, no one can see it, even though MY brain in particular at times feels like it's bouncing from one side of my skull to another, and feel as though I'm going to jump out of my skin, the outward signs nearly all the time aren't there, but I'm ready to go through the roof.

So, even though I look as though I'm right as rain, I maybe very well going through hell, and have learned to kind of hide or disguise it, because a panic attack to me especially in public can be embarrassing, especially a full blown one which I've had in public. Several times.  So that was interesting, and the other fact he put forth on that is that most people will just say "don't think about it" meaning put it out of your mind, it's all in your head.  oh boy yeah no kidding.  Just that easy, snap my fingers wiggle my nose and *poof* all gone.

Problem with that is, in my case after 10 years of hell, I have so many pathways in my brain that have been altered by course of nature and learning that every thought I have leads to panic, I have to relearn and rebuild new pathways so there isn't fear at every turn.  And that's medically proven.

So, "don't think about it", "get it out of your mind", doesn't apply, and cannot apply until those pathways are formed again, so that which is causing the panic right now is no longer a fear.

No internet? You kidding ME?

After a week of just poor bewilderment and just chaos, top it off with two days without internet or cable TV?  COME ON!!  What doesn't kill you will make you stronger?  Well I tell you, at this point in life not sure anything else will bother me.

First of course the deer wrecking my truck.  Then find out it's nearly $5000 to fix it?  Then the wonderful insurance adjuster as wonderful and fair as they are, says vehicle is only worth 200 dollars UNDER the damage estimate??? Not sure how that's really possible, but whatever! And kelley blue book said my vehicle 7 months ago was worth nearly 2200 dollars more than it is now?

Life is not fair at times I swear.  Then of course I had to ask what vehicles this guy is comparing to. I get the "short" list of comparables.  So, I get on the phone and check out these "comparable"... One is at 4400 bucks, sure, yep it's almost identical, except he left out the part where it needs 1500 dollars worth of repairs.  A few more calls led me to believe, I'm not getting a real fair deal here, and there isn't going to one one dang thing I can do about it.  He's already said, and immediately he had said it's considered "totaled".   So the comparables, are if my vehicle was in working condition prior to the accident.

So, I call him on these comparable,  and after going through the list, and explain his errors, yes kindly.  He says, ok fine,  it's now worth 6500 and now we won't consider it totaled.  What the hell is this guy smoking?  What a scam they run, good lord.

Looking back, Mowing forward

Looking back, just something I haven't even given much thought to since I've been getting better.  Hard to believe it's been over a year (march 12th 2012) since I couldn't handle the panic attacks any more.  Still remember the dreadful days leading up to the visit to the emergency room.  And sitting and waiting and pacing for nearly 4 freaking hours in that emergency room.  Shaking, trembling, scared to death.

Yeah, was NOT real happy about that.  But dammit I was there, I was not leaving until I got help for this crap, no matter what.  But the memories of how bad I had gotten.  The misery I was in,  Blah, was just terrible, I can't imagine anyone ever going through that. I've talked to so many with panic and anxiety, literally hundreds, and thankfully nobody else I've come acrossed has had panic that bad.  Not a contest, but just glad is all.

So, over a year, and the leaps I've made to me is just unreal, going from what I was, to what I am now, boggles the mind truthfully.  Anxiety is still there, yeah.  probably always will be to some extent, at least

that's what the doctor "hints" at more or less.  But not being a prisoner to my own mind any longer is just plain awesome.  I still feel the need to take steps to make myself feel, well I guess "safe" while i'm out alone places, especially new places I haven't been.  Always have a cell phone with me, and I usually take my medications with me in case I need a bit more help.  But rarely do I ever take any extra.

Just being able to go to Argyle to see my family.  And be able to stay there while Jeanne goes back to Burlington.  For years I couldn't be more than a yell away from her.  Only person I felt completely safe with I guess?  Hard to explain it, so it's refreshing to say the least to not have to rely on that "need" and go do our own things when we want.

So, mowing forward, of course that anxiety and panic still rears it's ugly head occasionally, last few nights had some pretty tough times when I go to bed, have to get up for a while and paint, or get on the computer until it passes.  Had a few times in the car lately where I was ready to jump out, but it passes. So, it's all about fighting, learning and winning the battle, not letting it win, not giving in to it, remembering you won't die from it, just breathe, relax,think of something else and it'll soon go away.

Stress stress stress

Well yeah, been awhile, October been just brutal month of constant running with really no pay off it seems.  Just stress and more of it.  So, without further introductions,  I guess i'll try to catch up where I left off.

Last time I posted was about 16 days ago, which seems like 2 years. The month started with Jeanne having to take her dad to milwaukee for his radiation treatments.  So, I'm home alone, which yeah big deal right?  Well she's gone from 3-5 hours, that's new for me over the past 10 years, so that raised stress levels way up, but surprisingly didn't really effect my anxiety, in the past that would of driven me into a frenzy, but I survived it, only lasted a couple weeks I guess.  What's funny about it,  her Dad would drive 30 minutes to Burlington to meet with Jeanne then have her drive using our gas, so he could save money.  So nice of him.  That's part of my stress I live around, it's little things

But, my main cause and concern, and yeah i'll get yelled at for posting I guess the issues I have with my mother-in-law, but if you don't want to read about it, don't read it here!  First of all she don't like men, so strike one on me, no she's married, seperated of course, just doesn't like guys, and most women the way it seems, unless she's trying to impress someone then you see a different person, soon as they are gone, back to same old same old.

This will take a bit to go through.

Not ready to solo yet!

Been trying to push myself in different ways.  I stay on my regular medications which is supposed to just keep a certain level in your system, and it's the kind that doesn't impair you in any way.  And use a little less or none of my other meds that can be addicting, and do cause a bit of inpairment, not really noticable unless you take full dose, which is only 1 milligram, but it's kind of like having a couple drinks.  You feel relaxed.  But even in times of severe panic those pills only cut the suffering a bit.  They do work now when I have an attack, but I think at some point they are a bit of placebo.

Anyway, going for rides with Jeanne, if I know we aren't planning on long trips or store visits, I try to go without my relaxant meds.  Many times I take the bottle of meds with me in case, and that really is the placebo effect, sometimes I'm fine just a little jumpy.  And when I leave it at home, I tend to think about it, therefore more jumpy, so I'm trying to push myself to not NEED those meds, but right now since it's been 7 months already, but really not long compared to the nearly 11 years of going through the anxiety,  I'll be on all the meds a while longer consistently.

Family visit and back to same old same old

Well, finally got rid of the family that was down to visit *JUST KIDDING*.  Always great to see them, and keeps me wanting more time with them.  Paid back Grandma for the weight I put on when I was over to them last,  Had to laugh when she weighed herself in the bathroom, "FOUR POUNDS!" I put on 4 lbs since we were here.  Hehe.    And she also mentioned she found the pine cone I stuffed in her shoe about a week after we had left Argyle.  Somehow I got blamed for it.  *shrug* dunno why.

Love that lady.  But it did seem like we didn't stop eating or munching the entire time we were together.  Best food from our family I tell ya. Heck with Paula Dean lol.   OH, that's right, wonderful family heh, I knew about time they would be here on Monday, so Loki and I walked towards town about 1/2 mile to "meet them" more or less, I figured they'd drive by and leave us stranded, which they did,  Greg leaning out the window asking which way to Burlington as they laughed and whooshed by me trotting behind with Loki in tail lol.

Family coming to Visit!

Hunting season starts soon, so, that means Greg aka Dad, won't be seen much for about 2 months, SO, Grandma, Dad, and Aunt Linda going to come down and stay for the night.  Always good to see them, lifts my spirits up.  And they can see all the changes we did to our places with the new paint, and a few added items.  And of course Grandma can't come without bringing have the grocery store with her geez.  Can't even remember everything she's bringing,  but I did here 2 racks of RIBS!! After that the rest was kind of lost hehe.

So, that'll be fun, they are coming on Monday.  This past week, we took Loki into the vet again, his ears and nose, and his right eyelid still having a lot of redness, some swelling, and lots and lots of itching.  This time the vet gaves us some cream to put on it, and within 2 days he's already looking like he's almost back to normal.  We still don't know what in the heck it is,  we're all guessing allergies the way it looked.  But did the allergies go away with the rain or did the medications and lotion work.  pfft don't know.

Happy Labor Day!

Still falling behind on my darn posts, been trying to keep busy busy busy..... And it works, been feeling wonderful, trying not to spend so much time in the stores, yet staying active and trying newer things, which I haven't found much new to do yet.

And yep still trying to finish painting, should be done today,  it got so hot out again, couldn't have the windows open to air it out, but just a bit left in the kitchen then finished!  Does look great, and I love change, the new colors aren't really my cup of tea, but gotta make Jeanne happy.  Looks a little too pink to me in the living room and kitchen, but it's a warmer feeling, calming, so I guess it'll work.   Bedroom and the bathroom kind of off yellow with a couple walls a brownish, once again not my color, but huge difference from before and looks nice.

Day 3: CHAOS EVERYWHERE!

Another hot nights sleep waking to a humid hot morning,  Dad and I keep mentioning going fishing early early in the morning, but I can't seem to climb out of bed til 6:30, but tonight after supper we were going to try and go, looking forward to it.

Weird thing, being 3rd day, i'm taking my regular medication as usual, but I've only had 2 little issues that weren't really even worth worrying about.  One at lunch yesterday, which I should mention I've been eating breakfast, lunch and supper with everyone,  at home I can't seem to eat with anyone else, have to be alone or with Jeanne.

So, much comfort level is way higher,  driving down through the pasture with dad, like the old days bouncing through the fields, I had a little issue, but it went away very quickly.  And that's the first time I've been riding in a vehicle without Jeanne in over 10 years,  didn't bother me a bit, hate to say it, but was even more comfortable,  except the bouncing all over, that's what caused a little blip of anxiety, not used to that, something new and not used to it.

Blood tests back and Searching for new Puppy

Well, the 3 days wait for blood work was horrible, I'm definately a hypochondriac, worry about health issues all the time, thanks mom and dad for passing that on to me, mix that with anxiety and every time you sneeze you think "oh no, what's wrong"?

But the days passed, I called in to get the results, and wow, did I have the right number? The numbers on everything were astoundingly good, and they did every test under the sun, except ONE. Alt's liver enzymes were double what they should be. So, fear anxiety and depression, worry and whatever adjective you want to throw in were in the game now. I just got back a glowing review from blood work, nothing else was wrong except that one test, and if there was something really wrong, the other liver tests they did would of been high also, and the nurse instead of saying "they are double what they should be, you better worry!!!" she could of said, yes it's a concern, but nothing else is high, so just relax, see what the doctor says. But pfft no.

It's time for change

I'd reach so far into hell, I couldn't stand it, alcohol was gonna kill me before anything else would, I was tired of having to feel the need to reach for the bottle just to feel human. For the next week I pondered how to get a whole 3 miles to the hospital for help. 3 miles at this point seemed like it might as well been the moon, and getting there on a kite.

A lot of crying, depression and worry over that week the time had come where I just couldn't handle it, it had to be done now.

After a lot of second guessing on the dreadful day I made my choice to get in the car, the time was there, and we just said LET"S GO NOW! Piled in the car and headed up the road. I tell you, it was an interesting 3 minute and 30 second ride to the Emergency room. Lot of coughing, kicking and screaming like a little kid, scared out of his whits just for a 3 minute ride.