Ok time for a new blog!

Been running around here and there, been dealing with a horribly infected tooth, have a good deal of excuses to haven't gotten a new blog out recently.  then Amber has her 3 kids here who are all getting or have the flu and colds, so I'm looking forward to see if we get the illness.  But in the meantime, we move on right?

So, been hunting every night, trying like heck to get up in tree stands to get over my fears in that avenue.  Win some lose some so far.  I can seem to get up in trees without stands "OK" but not great, but the man-made ladder stands so far has been a real issue for me.  If one has plenty of tree branches close by I feel safer, like I can grab them if something happens.  I tend to start getting dizzy and feel like I'm going to be launched out of the darn tree. But a lot of the stands don't have much for branches anywhere or around or it's just small tiny branches with leaves and that's it, and I can tell, soon as I get up in them, my world starts spinning and I gotta get out of there fast.

But I've managed to get up in a few stands and last the night, so It's getting better, but It's not comfortable at all, at least until it gets close to end of season, gets a little darker out, the world seems smaller I guess, and apparently that still affects me how the world appears to me and makes it more comfortable.  Plus that's when most the bucks start moving, so I have more to keep my mind occupied on something else and tend to not dwell on my issues.  Otherwise I'm hyperventilating and shaking the whole night.  Not fun at all.

The Hose has arrived

Well, we awoke hungry again, bright and early, dogs pottied and we had to decide to spend another good chunk of cash on another night in the hotel,  today we had planned on going home, but without my vehicle working properly, would be kind of tough,  we still had Jeanne's sister's vehicle, but if we took that home, I can't imagine they'd be too happy not having a ride to get home with on their own.

Checkout was supposed to be at 10:00 A.M.  it was about ten minutes to, and said the heck with it, might as well just stay another day,  we were supposed to hear about my truck by lunchtime, but if we didn't get the room by 10, who knows if you'd be stuck without a room, or end up paying 300 bucks for the only vacancy in town otherwise,  so, I made the call, asked for a repeat customer discount, which he at least gave me 15 percent off the third night.  Car guy hadn't called yet. *sigh*

Dad looking for some fun at Paul Bunyan's...

And off we went for breakfast.  This time it was at Paul Bunyan's.  Very good food, busy as all get out, and reasonable prices, and it's all you can eat.  Just don't look at ANYTHING in the gift shop, worst prices I've seen in the Dells for souvenirs.   Ridiculous prices.  But food was very good.  And they get you in and out of their fast, man they must rake in the bucks in that place.  Anywho.  We filled our bellies up for sure, and loaded up,  Jeanne was going to go play miniature golf since it was only 87 degrees today at 10:30 am.  So, was almost long underwear weather compared to the last 2 days, I wanted to take dad to the deer park,  and Jeanne dropped us off.

Time to Start blogging again. The Hunt chapter one:

Alright, yeah I've been inconsistent with blogging, and lot of people have actually asked when I was going to start again,  so, here's to my public followers, and thank you for reading.

Ok, I left off I believe a good month ago, our big trip back to Argyle and my first time hunting since 1996, this really is a great year for me, first time fishing in about 12 years, first time hunting since "96".  Things really are moving forward, not FAST by all means, still have occasional issues, but damn, I'm going hunting.  If you ask Jeanne, was driving her nuts, I was SO excited to get going, was ready to leave a week before season opened.

Well time had come, and we took off, the 3 of us on our next journey, Loki as excited as I it seemed, he was a nervous wreck worse than I.  And once again, great trip had no problems riding in the car whatsoever,  but Grandma wasn't going to be home yet, she was still in hospital in Darlington after her second successful hip replacement, so after morning hunt on Saturday we'd go see her in the hospital, that'll be another step for me, another new place to visit, well not knew, but since my anxiety is slowly getting worked on, everything is new to me after so long in my mental prison, like learning to walk all over again.

Here comes Santa Clause! too early

Well, we got done with the Mukwonago house basically on the 1st for move in today,  last 3 days of working were 12 hour ones and I had come down with a nasty nasty cold, was miserable trying to focus and get crap done.  And I don't think anyone but Richard still has gotten a thank you for doing all the work for the mother in law.  That just eats at me terrible.  And I was messing with the kids in the kitchen a bit ago just now, and got a "why don't you go somewhere else from the woman again.   *sigh*.

So, I guess I look forward to seeing MY family coming up soon,  deer hunting starts on the 17th, I still plan on going, or at the least going over there for a few days, would love to stay for a week, but I'm sure Jeanne will go nuts being there too long without her internet.  I miss it a little, but after a couple days, you just forget about it, busy doing other things.

Stress stress stress

Well yeah, been awhile, October been just brutal month of constant running with really no pay off it seems.  Just stress and more of it.  So, without further introductions,  I guess i'll try to catch up where I left off.

Last time I posted was about 16 days ago, which seems like 2 years. The month started with Jeanne having to take her dad to milwaukee for his radiation treatments.  So, I'm home alone, which yeah big deal right?  Well she's gone from 3-5 hours, that's new for me over the past 10 years, so that raised stress levels way up, but surprisingly didn't really effect my anxiety, in the past that would of driven me into a frenzy, but I survived it, only lasted a couple weeks I guess.  What's funny about it,  her Dad would drive 30 minutes to Burlington to meet with Jeanne then have her drive using our gas, so he could save money.  So nice of him.  That's part of my stress I live around, it's little things

But, my main cause and concern, and yeah i'll get yelled at for posting I guess the issues I have with my mother-in-law, but if you don't want to read about it, don't read it here!  First of all she don't like men, so strike one on me, no she's married, seperated of course, just doesn't like guys, and most women the way it seems, unless she's trying to impress someone then you see a different person, soon as they are gone, back to same old same old.

This will take a bit to go through.

Moving on, one day at a time

Well, been awhile again, just haven't felt like writing lately. lazy I guess.  Loki had his surgery last Tuesday, everything went very good, good but costly, darn expensive.  But hopefully worth it in the long run,  sure an empty house without him around.  hated it.  Got me even looking for another puppy just for my own well being, and just in case scenarios. Hate to think that way, but besides we WANT more dogs,  two would be plenty,  and more costly, but we love dogs so much.  Going to keep looking very hard,  Loki will be healed up in another 10 days when he gets the cone of shame off, and his stitches removed from his belly.

Poor dog, a good 8 or 9 inch incision on his belly and all shaved off, plus front leg party shaved, I assume for the intravenus (I-V) and a scab on his back between his shoulder blades, I think is the microchip implant.  Sure cant' even tell he's had surgery. The first day back, he was a little down, but not for long, now 5 days removed he's raring to go, but he cant' do much for another 9 or 10 days.  Took forever the day we were to pick the little brat up from the Vet's office.  I was watching down the hallway that goes into the "vet's" area,  and Loki must of heard my voice,  here I see him pop his head out of a doorway, and yeah, the nurse wasn't gonna hold him from coming to see daddy, not my boy hehe.  Here he comes, and I tell ya,  I got mauled with kisses all over, whining and wiggling doggy happy to see his dad.  And vice versa.

Coyotes are calling!

About a week since my last post, just haven't felt like writing, and that's not good for keeping my readers happy.  Sorry about that.  Felt fine, just been running around doing crap.  So, the trail camera I bought,  wasn't happy at first, but a lot was user error.  Too high placement, too low, tinker with settings.  One hint is don't put it on too small a tree, every breeze that blows you get 30 pictures, you get a big windy day you'll fill the camera up with 600 pictures of the wind blowing.  Been there, done that.

About 3 feet off the ground and sturdy attachment will get you what you want.  Which in my case after a week of tinkering was one morning dove flying by lol.  But, besides my interest in critters of all types, I'm using this as another thing for me to do to push myself and make myself walk further alone, and with Loki away from the house.  At first I kept moving the camera a little further away, but now I have a great spot about 300 yards or so from the house on a fence line.  I shouldn't be checking it everyday, due to getting my scent in the area too often.  But I look forward to the exercise and the unknowing what might of been captured.

Brain damage? Nah it's all in your mind!

Since there is over 20 million americans alone who suffer from one or another ailment of anxiety, that's just in the United States,  millions more world wide, it can't be brain damage causing the anxiety, least not all of us.  So, when you hear "it's all in your mind, get over it", don't let it bother you.  Because they are right.  To a point.  It is all in your mind, but it's not like a fear of heights, snakes, spiders, whatever phobia ails many people.  It's just not the same, sorry.

With severe anxiety disorders, such as I have, more so "had", there is a pathway in your brain that has been somewhat, some way altered.  Basically meaning the previous daily routine now becomes difficult.  When you come to the daily routine, the pathway in your head that's been damaged in a manner,  what used to be second nature to achieve, now has this road block.  And it is physically there in your brain, it's not imagined, the pathways have actually changed. That's what cause severe anxiety.  You have to actually form a new pathway, by basically relearning what used to come natural to you, and bypass the old block in the path.

So, when you hit that block, you now start to worry. "oh no, yesterday I had a panic attack when I was going to walk the dog, I better not do that today."  And that leads to no longer doing that particular thing.  Then you are working in the garden, have a panic attack for whatever reason,  guess what,  new block in a pathway.  And that according to the doctors is truly there and happening.  Your brain regenerates the pathways, but you have to form them also, you learn constantly.  With helps from medication making it easier to rebuild your path, you will get less blocks.

It's not like a fear of spiders, where if you constantly subjected yourself handling them until your fear was gone, which may work not sure, I hate spiders, where as anxiety the fear isn't really seen, it's felt, and you'd think you would be able to control your own body, since the brain is part of it, but it's a miraculous thing that brain, some smaller than others :)  but with blocked pathways built up, especially in myself having built up a lot of road construction upstairs over 10 long years,  it's basically like learning to walk all over again.

So, yep it's all in your head, they are right, but those that don't believe in panic and anxiety, aren't informed completely on what is truly the whole story.  So, next time you hear, it's all in your head, get over it,  agree with them, and maybe educate them a little on the part they missed.

Moving on.  I've been bad about keeping up with my posts lately, as winter approaches i've been trying to push myself doing different things than normal, since i'll be locked up inside i'm sure more when it's cold out.  Therefore i've lost a lot of interest in my posts, sadly.  Was really enjoying seeing nearly a hundred people a day viewing the blog and growing, it's really dropped off, my fault I know.

News on the homefront.  Went to the dogpark nearly at dark last night, didn't take any medication yesterday, well took my regular ones, but not the "relaxant" ones that i'm supposed to take morning and night,  but I wanted to challenge myself to ride to the park, and do it without "help".  And I was pretty darn jumpy, but survived it ok, no damaged pathways.  Soon as I got home, I looked at the med bottle put one in my hand, and then put it right back in the bottle.  Lifted weights for 15 minutes and painted for a half hour instead.  Screw you anxiety.

I'll be trying that again without meds, i'll take them with.  Sometimes just having the miracle medication around, is like a kid with a blanket, makes you feel safe.  But that's why I wanted to go without. You take the meds long enough they start becoming habit, you "need" them.  Just like alcohol becomes a habit or smoking or whatever.  So, I need to be able to do this without relying solely on the meds or face addiction, habit, or a blanket that I need for comfort always.  I survived it without a full blown attack, so I don't "need" them that much anymore.  But do need to keep myself going for a while yet, I'm ready to walk, just not quite ready to run apparently.

Let's see,  Loki's allergy issues or whatever it really is,  finally seems to be healing up, so soon it'll be time to call the Vet and get his nuts wherever they are chopped.   I'm not looking forward to it, he don't know it's coming, but I guarantee if he did, he'd not look forward to it either.  I'm sure a lot more than I.  But, they haven't dropped after 7 months, they aren't going to.

Bought one of those trail cameras, trying to figure it out, seems straight forward but sure not getting much at night, supposed to have 55 to 60 foot infrared range, which is very good distance for these cameras and 8 megapixels, also very good.  But night time range i've tested isn't getting more than about 10 feet.  Anyway, trying to get pictures of the damn coyotes that keep invading us, and it gives me something new and different to do.

We'll see what happens. 

Later,

Lance

Family visit and back to same old same old

Well, finally got rid of the family that was down to visit *JUST KIDDING*.  Always great to see them, and keeps me wanting more time with them.  Paid back Grandma for the weight I put on when I was over to them last,  Had to laugh when she weighed herself in the bathroom, "FOUR POUNDS!" I put on 4 lbs since we were here.  Hehe.    And she also mentioned she found the pine cone I stuffed in her shoe about a week after we had left Argyle.  Somehow I got blamed for it.  *shrug* dunno why.

Love that lady.  But it did seem like we didn't stop eating or munching the entire time we were together.  Best food from our family I tell ya. Heck with Paula Dean lol.   OH, that's right, wonderful family heh, I knew about time they would be here on Monday, so Loki and I walked towards town about 1/2 mile to "meet them" more or less, I figured they'd drive by and leave us stranded, which they did,  Greg leaning out the window asking which way to Burlington as they laughed and whooshed by me trotting behind with Loki in tail lol.

What's new in the world of anxiety?

Heck not a lot hehe.  Feeling good, my last post left me with feeling really uncomfortable in a store, and that night I went back and we went to 3 stores and a nice run in the dog park just to piss off anxiety and let it know who's in charge.  Felt good, great really.  Got a bunch of food, munchies mainly for my families visit tomorrow.

Bunch of cheese, even bought some Limburger, gee whiz that stuff stinks, you get passed the smell?  You know what that stuff is pretty darn tasty, can't believe I actually tried it,  Grandpa Bob loved the stuff, I do see why now, but man it stinks like a pair of gym socks stuck away in a corner of a locker for a couple months.  But tasty all the same, not that I've tried gym socks but the cheese is good.  And of course had to buy my swiss cheese, love it love it, must be cuz I'm swiss who knows.

Family coming to Visit!

Hunting season starts soon, so, that means Greg aka Dad, won't be seen much for about 2 months, SO, Grandma, Dad, and Aunt Linda going to come down and stay for the night.  Always good to see them, lifts my spirits up.  And they can see all the changes we did to our places with the new paint, and a few added items.  And of course Grandma can't come without bringing have the grocery store with her geez.  Can't even remember everything she's bringing,  but I did here 2 racks of RIBS!! After that the rest was kind of lost hehe.

So, that'll be fun, they are coming on Monday.  This past week, we took Loki into the vet again, his ears and nose, and his right eyelid still having a lot of redness, some swelling, and lots and lots of itching.  This time the vet gaves us some cream to put on it, and within 2 days he's already looking like he's almost back to normal.  We still don't know what in the heck it is,  we're all guessing allergies the way it looked.  But did the allergies go away with the rain or did the medications and lotion work.  pfft don't know.

Happy Labor Day!

Still falling behind on my darn posts, been trying to keep busy busy busy..... And it works, been feeling wonderful, trying not to spend so much time in the stores, yet staying active and trying newer things, which I haven't found much new to do yet.

And yep still trying to finish painting, should be done today,  it got so hot out again, couldn't have the windows open to air it out, but just a bit left in the kitchen then finished!  Does look great, and I love change, the new colors aren't really my cup of tea, but gotta make Jeanne happy.  Looks a little too pink to me in the living room and kitchen, but it's a warmer feeling, calming, so I guess it'll work.   Bedroom and the bathroom kind of off yellow with a couple walls a brownish, once again not my color, but huge difference from before and looks nice.

Catching up falling behind!

Misleading post title maybe?  Feeling great for past week.  Been so busy painting and redecorating and whatever else I can get myself into that I've fallen behind in my updates.  Sorry about that.

It's been really just the same old story for the last week,  dog park, dog walk, paint, pick on the kids etc etc.  Been trying to embed with the kids to quit leaving all their crap laying around and my new attempt to have kids untie their shoes before removing and the like. 

The two middle age kids are taking to it fairly well, because they love to use their 3ds game things hehe.   The oldest has learned that if he just hides his shoes it's easier I guess, which is almost a win for me because they are no longer just dropped wherever he feels like it,  on the couch, on top of the back of the couch, on chairs, tables, floor, wherever he is at the time, so one step forward.  The youngest girl of 5, well, not much for shoelaces yet, all velcro, but she must have 8 or 9 slippers, shoes or flipflops,  I know this because I give her the same foot attire daily 8 or 9 times because they are left, on the floor, on the couch, on chairs wherever lol.  Wonder where she's learning that?

What a difference a day makes!

Well, 2 days ago I thought my anxiety world was turning it's ugly head.  But either mind over matter or maybe a bug going around causing some body issues triggering panic with me I don't know.

But today had a wonderful day,  couple long walks and play with the dog in the morning, started early prepping for a day of painting the 2nd bathroom, and everything was going great, and still is.  Don't recall having any issues at all today what so ever.

SPent a good 3 hours taping, patching, all the prepping crap, and then painting mostly all of the bathroom, and cleaning up my wonderful mess.  Will have to post some pictures after everything is done, if I remember to get before and after pictures, which I doubt I will.  But looking good, and great therapy except the fumes.  But it sure keeps your mind going in a positive direction, no time to think about anxiety.

Figuring out some issues

Going to skip over a few days to get right to the present time, because I've been having some bad flare ups of anxiety the last week.  Biggest thing I believe I can attribute to it, is I've been playing some computer games for quite a long time at night for past 4-5 days.  Today at home wasn't feeling great, needed to go to the hardware store for a part for a light fixture.  Wasn't comfortable going there, and was ready to scream in the store, couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I've been to this store already, just once but it was still not foreign to me.

But i'm really quite pissed off at this panic i'm feeling.  Or more so annoyed with letting it get to me, and probably causing it myself.  I know playing video games and sitting on my ass leads to issues with anxiety every time.

Back to "normal" ?

Well, home again.  Already miss the farm,  but I know for a fact if the farm still had cows?  I doubt I'd be saying the same thing.  But, now to clean up the aftermath of short vacations with clothes and dog toys to find home for, and the closet I cleaned out after a short 21 year tenure.  Wow what a flashback to the 80's holy crap!!

Did find quite a few hidden treasures that were long forgotten, but that's not important to the world.  Not sure we even got a welcome back except from the kids,  all I heard was "we wondered when you were coming home, the grass needs to be cut".  Welcome home! 

It's Monday, need rest!!, spent the whole day just trying to organize the mess we brought back,  Loki was right back at home and right back to normal, not sure I was though.  Not much really happened besides back to the normal routine right off the bat,  constant knocking on our door, and being pulled away for constant,  "I can't find this, where is it at".   Wasn't my day to watch it response usually gets me a dirty look, but heck I didn't touch whatever you are looking for, why do we always have to know where everything is gee whiz hehe.

The big trip!

Going to start this off with the day of the big trip to the farm.  Didn't sleep much at all Monday night, too excited and I was a nervous wreck the entire day Tuesday.  Had to constantly keep doing something I was a jitter bug all day.  Busied myself packing the car full of everything I could think of, and cleaning our house so we came home to nice clean place.
Loki knew something was up also, he can read how I feel, he wouldn't let me out of his sight all day long, followed me everywhere, little fella needs his sleep too young yet to not have his naps.  He was going to be GRUMPY,  and he has puppy class tonight!

Two Days To Go

Two more days til we take off on our mini-trip, for me it'll be a challenge, if I continue to think about it. The anticipation and excitement is slowly driving me crazy. Trying not to let fear sneak in, I know I can make it without trouble, but then there is that "will I", that keeps knocking on my door.
So, I keep thinking of ways that I'm going to surprise my Grandmother, who I keep getting excited in the fact that she thinks they are still leaving on thursday to come to see us down here, haven't seen her in 5 months, I miss her. But she's busy getting food ready to bring, she seems to love that, loves to spoil her grandson hehe, and of course I allow it, have to make her happy you know. But, while she keeps busy getting ready to come here, telling me all the food she wants to "bring" instead we'll just be there to enjoy.

The Countdown......and lost time.

Not many days away now I'll be hopefully and successfully making the 2 hour journey back to the family homestead without much trouble on the 1st of August. Biggest problem with the anxiety is the excitement. I haven't been there in 10 years, might be a bit longer than that even now. As the excitement builds the energy levels in my body and mostly my brain goes up kicking off some panic occasionally. Probably because of the "what if's" that are in every anxiety worrier.

A couple weeks ago I was supremely confident I could easily make the trip with no trouble, but as the time draws nearer more thoughts go into it, and the fact that I'm actually going. Up til now it was really only a mark on the calendar didn't have to put a lot of thought into it.

Rain? We actually got Rain?

Haven't mowed the lawn since last part of May, we got 2.5 inches of rain and only part of the lawn is showing a hint of green, and here comes the nasty heat again. As good as I was feeling I was really hoping to be able to do more outside, but this horrid heat isn't bearable. Of course I'm not really used to it either, being stuck inside not by choice off and on for so long, hard to adjust to harsher outdoor weather yet.

But I'm trying to keep pushing. Nearly every night after supper we go to the dog park for quite a while, usually until Loki is too hot and tired then we head out, and he just loves the heat, he's grumpier than I am about it. At least I don't bite and nibble others when I'm grumpy about the heat. Not yet anyway.

My "surprise" visit to see my Dad and Grandma is 1/2 thwarted by dad's wife Jada showing him my blogs ooops. I told her she shouldn't of taught him to read, well I thought that was funny, but apparently not all did. But the trip is still planned, and I can definately feel the excitement rising, which of course isn't good on my brain. I start getting a bit jumpier and feel more anxiety. And yes father you saying you aren't real optimistic I'll be able to make it that far really put some thoughts in my brain I didn't need, was 100 percent confident down to 50 now. Thanks!!!

This past week had a couple anxiety issues, once while out in the car, was very uncomfortable, and shopping during same trip wasn't very fun, very jumpy, panicky the entire time not fun, wasn't unbearable, but any anxiety now after 3 months without much at all is a blip on the radar for my healing brain, and worries me that more is too come, and once you or anyone else puts that thought there, takes more effort to get rid of it instead of moving forward from the accomplishments already done.

Second time was even more uncomfortable, was at home, safe and sound, so that bothered more so, nearly felt on the edge of full blown panic attack, was having trouble getting myself distracted enough to hold it in place, took a good two hours for it to pass.

So, we push on, trying to push the bad thoughts of recent out and keep going. So more fishing more driving more of everything I could never do before. And although carp fishing is kinda pointless after the catch, it's sure a blast during it, and no anxiety. I tell you though, what a fight they put up, if you aren't watching close waiting for them to hit, it's nearly too late by the time you catch your pole flying into the water. For the 5th time I nearly lost my fishing poles to the river, when they go they go lol, and once hooked, the fun is on, you get them nearly to shore and into the net, they see you or the net? Hang on, you are in for another wild ride, quite fun, try it.

Started painting a little bit again, and that's when I had a couple episodes of anxiety that were unexpected, and in the past when I have painted the same things have happened. I'm using acrylic, which has little to no fumes, and very little to no known allergy causes by acrylic paint or fumes, so I'm confused as to it's past memory linking having panic with painting? I used to pick up a brush and paint every time I started having anxiety problems and it helped greatly. But I'm sure I associate panic with painting now. Troublesome, I want to paint, but not at the cost of fearing it, stupid I know, is it in my head? Or is it some sort of allergy to it. Most will say it's all in your head, because most that will read that haven't gone through the anxiety or panic from other things and it's easier to say than think about what the underlying issue might be.

Time will tell. I know words of encouragement and acknowledgement of how far you have recovered to normal is far more than optimism and we'll see what happens. Those of you that have suffered or do suffer anxiety need to have the backing and support of those around you cheering the victories and supporting the defeat, don't let doubters get in the way. And only you can prevent forest fires!

Thanks for reading, happy fishing!
Lance