I suppose I better bbbbblog for a bit

Gun season is here weeeee.  I look forward to the first hour of gun season and that's it.   Don't have enough deer the way it is, and so many people just kill and kill and kill.  The saying of "if it's brown it's down" just sucks I hate it.  Too many hunters see brown no matter what size the deer and just kill and kill.  Then wonder why we have no deer around anymore.  Idiots.

Well opening day I saw a lot of does and fawns and a couple small bucks, but don't need the meat really, only going to shoot a trophy buck, but at least I saw deer.  Sadly most the deer I saw are probably dead now.

But whew was it freezing cold as heck both Saturday and Sunday. Wow it was cold, then today we got 2.5 inches of the white stuff and still cold as heck out.  Only thing nice about that frigid temperature is not many guys are out and about that's for sure.  At least that will save some deer.   Hope the snow leaves soon, makes gun hunting way too easy for everyone to see the deer, track the deer etc etc.

Poor Thor!

My poor little puppy went in to the vet today to get his manhood chopped off.  Almost eight months old, I feel so bad for him, had a stomach ache all day worrying about him.  He could tell something was up, he didn't want to go into the vet's office at all, and just loved having me try to put him in the cage to await his manhood demise.  I had to get out of there, he was so scared and nothing I am gonna be able to do for him now, I'm sure he was and is going to feel worse than I do for him, but at the time and now it doesn't feel like it. Poor baby.  I mean Thor not me.

I even took a picture to remember him by.

Yes I know I'm not right in the head, deal with it!! hehe.

Have to move on from that instead of dwelling on it. Oh yeah forgot, ate in a restaurant for the first time since my major panic attack trying to eat at one in the Dells.  And came through with no issues at all, and stuffed my little belly full.  Nice to have small victories in the battle now and then.

Loki right now also seems to be a bit, well not sure, he seems almost happy that Thor isn't here to pick on him, but at same time he's wondering where his buddy is.  When we came out of the vet's office, he looked at me like "umm dad you forgot something,  right?"  He kind of watched the office out of the back window as we drove off, but doesn't take him long to figure out what's going on. "dad you did that to me once, and I will never forget".  *chomp*.

Been steadily deer hunting in the ever growing colder temperatures,  windy and cold. But the deer are slowly starting to get into their breeding season.  Dad and I sat in a ground blind together last night on one of our food plots.  Winds were howling at about 20 mph, I figured we wouldn't see a darn thing, but we ended up seeing a doe and fawn within 15 minutes, and saw a deer coming from a different direction the entire time we were on stand.  Ended up being an odd and wild night of hunting.

Feels like winter coming!

Leaves turned quickly and are falling like rain, cold windy and rainy out, only thing this temperature is good for is HUNTING!! Thank God I can do that again, every day I feel so lucky to be able to be out and be able to hunt again, especially without having to have a babysitter.   And Jeanne is thankful that I don't need her to baby sit me constantly. 

As much as I loved hunting and fishing, that is what I've missed the most in my long struggle is that ability to do it whenever I wanted to, and have that taken away from me was so hard.  Now I can actually have a resemblance of normalcy back into why crazy world. 

On a different note. My Grandma had a nice birthday party for Amber and Dan's youngest today, her first birthday!  Nice time getting to see them as well as getting to chat with Phil and Jill again, really enjoy listening to their stories and my Dad just loves them do death.  Hopefully can get to see them more often. Good friends, good health good times.  And of course I have to play the creepy older step-brother to Amber which I know she adores.

So, we gained a few extra unwanted pounds, now back down to Dad's house and I'm putting up some patchwork insulation in my pop up camper so I don't freeze my tootsies off as the weather drops again tonight into the low 30's.  Last night was all right.  It does have a propane furnace which works well enough.  Installed smoke detector and carbon monoxide testers,  but I won't have the luxury of that heater if we camp this time of year where there is no electricity, so I'm trying to get by without using that.  Using emergency blankets to cover the windows, blankets to section off both pop up bed sections, layering on another set of blankets on top and under the sleeping bags.  

It's windy and cold out now, and was nice and toasty warm, but not 30 degree "warm" so we'll see how tonight goes :).

Ok, hunting. again I know right?  I'll keep it simple, sat in a ground blind, saw an enormous doe and her fawn again, but they just don't like coming anywhere near our blind.  Have to rethink that location of the blind I believe.

Moving on for now. Did dream I shot an African Lion and a doe last night on the farm, which I thought was odd?  And was dreaming I was back selling real estate again.  I really miss that job, loved it.  Felt horrible having to basically call in "sick" to my manager one late night, and say I just couldn't continue on because of this anxiety crap.  My living was gone. I missed 3 years of the best real estate buying and selling there ever was and probably ever will be again. 

Wow, talk about anxiety!

If my 7 month old pup Thor could understand English, and knew he was about to have his nuts taken from him, I'm sure he'd feel like I do while I'm up in a tree.  Really don't want to have him nutted,  but Loki is doing great since his were done no change to his personality or anything else at all. So I guess.  *sigh*.

On subject of anxiety, well I guess that's what the blog is called after all, but holy cow did I have a rough time in deer stand the other night.  First off getting into the tree, it doesn't have a stand, it's an old huge tree that is dead and most the branches have fallen and broken off and are laying down in every direction somewhat attached to the main tree trunk yet, which is about 13-15 feet tall.  But to get into the spot where you sit and wait for the wily deer, you have to crawl up one of the old branches that is kind of hanging on yet.

Well I got about 8 feet off the ground and there is no bark left on the branch so it's a tad slippery, and of course footing slipped and down I went chins first scraping all the way with the battle wounds to show for it along with bruises.  Off to a great start to the nights hunt. That got my heart pounding nicely, didn't scare me, didn't work me up, but I guess adrenaline was rushing through just enough, I made it into the stand finally anyway.  But it wasn't long and the old nerves come knocking at my door pretty quickly.   Never seen one of my "episodes", so I tried to record myself with my camera, of course had to whisper, no clue if it turned out, but wanted to see if it would help me get my mind off my "issues"..   Didn't work.

What's new?

Well, not a ton of news, love the new Dodge, thinking of getting FORD decals for it, so I don't feel quite as odd driving it. last 4 vehicles have been Fords, grew up with Fords. Oh well, nobody will recognize me in a Dodge, I guess that's something eh?  The thing is bright red, that'll surely go unnoticed as well.  Maybe I will spray paint it camouflage or all black. That should up the value.

Anyway, not great on gas, it is a beast of a vehicle. Room of a minivan inside, tons of storage space and can tow a whole lot more than our Escape did.  Which we will hopefully need.

Ok, on to the hunt!  Some may recall last fall, I went gun hunting for deer for also the first time in at least 15 years, and needed a baby sitter next to me opening day, and slowly after that no longer needed someone right by me, but nearly within screaming range, or at least by phone and quick rescue by Coast Guard!  This is a two part story I guess.... Now I rarely even take my medicine in with me for that "just in case I really feel rotten" times.   So, I am progressing with that, taking away my crutch having my meds is a big step for me and no longer needing anymore remotely close is also a great upswing.

Also, last fall I was totally unable to get in a tree stand of any sort off the ground. Well shouldn't say that, I got in one very easy, and was ready to launch myself right back out face first I got such a panic attack so quickly, I hung on to the top rung the rest of the night shaking, but did not want to give in and go all the way to the ground and let another fear rule of me.

So, this year bow-hunting, it's so much better to be up in the air, can see game coming, they can't see you as easy, and so on and on and on.  So, I am determined to win that battle, and have had some success.  First couple nights I looked up at that stand, and just shook my head and said the heck with it,  right now I am just happy being able to hunt on my own and not have to be concerned about help, or taking medicine to get by.  A  couple of nights I stood in the stand for a little THEN I felt like screaming and launching myself out.

So, tried a different approach, I started climbing just up in trees without stands,  I only got up to 12 or 13 feet, which is better than a kick in the butt, and had no trouble at all.  So I progressed with that approach, and finally got up in a "man-made" stand the other night,  and sweated and shook and hyperventilated all night, but I made it through 2.5 hours of it.  So, it starts, next time maybe it will be easier, maybe not.  Everything new is a fight with anxiety,  and everything you don't do on a regular basis becomes a struggle again.  Like lawn mowing.  I got to the point this summer when I was so comfortable on one again I almost fell asleep several times.  Now it's been close to a month since I have had to be on one, or couldn't be due to rain or whatever.  Today was a struggle again.  Was having immediate anxiety problems trying to cut down the hayfield of a front yard.

Ok, New truck, life slightly back to normal?

Alright, so life getting slowly back to normal I guess, fast and furious search to replace our broken up Ford Escape by that nasty little deer has come to a speedy conclusion already.  Faster than I really thought it would, I was being very picky.  Was looking for another Ford, that's all I've ever liked or had.  But when you see a price tag at a dealership for 12,000 bucks on 100,000 miles on 2004 models ?? I don't think so.  But I used the time to play with the salespeople to see what kind of prices I could get them down to.  Little surprising how overpriced the dealers have them at apparently.  So, playing with salespeople got to be fun, got 12000 down to 7900 pretty quickly.

But that wasn't even the price what it was worth. So, more calling more dickering on prices, until I got kind of talked into a Dodge Durango.  83,000 miles for one heck of a price.  I might even sell it for what it's really worth I got such a good deal on it.  I even test drove it, and really amazed at how great that SUV feels.  2006 model , v-8 4.7 liter engine, the thing roars, looks good and feels like a tank and drives like a Mercedes.  Within reason anyway but you get my point.

OH no, I must be crazy!!

Oh no, the voices are back!!  Then I realized oh crap, I have my headphones on listening to a book, geez.  Nah just kidding, never heard voices, but here I am almost 3 in the morning, ideas running through my head, "no they aren't speaking to me".  Thinking, wow I say and do some really stupid things.  So why not write about them?

A lot of people say that when you have a panic attack "it's all in your head, just snap out of it", well yeah it is in my head, wish I could just pop it out lol.  But as I lay here typing away, I do think about what is "nuts".   At times going through horrible panic, I wondered, really am I losing it? Or had I never had it?  I look back at my grandparents, parents, cousin Matt and definitely his wife!!  My wonderful sister Amber is in a league of her own!.  Heck we're all nuts, just to what degree?  I believe we've got it under control in the nuts department.  We have fun, that's it, and the circle we're in with family and friends, to be honest, tend to get sucked into our own fantasy of insanity world, and it's quite humorous.

Like Grandpa Bob setting off quarter sticks of dynamite on tree stumps for fun, or the time when I was changing a light bulb for Grandma and he was sneaking up behind me while I was on the ladder with a firecracker in his hand, lighter in the other, just a giggling away.  Hell yeah my family is nuts!! And I love them for it. And miss terribly the ones that have passed. The stories will live on forever.

But that's a different kind of nuts, that's just family letting loose, I have endless stories that would make these ridiculous TV shows now a days beg for our script that is always ad-libbed and off the cuff, it is no act, it's just the way we are.  Take it or leave it.

But as I go through my healing process, I find myself wondering, what is really nuts?  In my estimation, it's doing things without comprehension that you are actually doing them.  therefore I take a breath and relax just a bit, I hope.  I joke way too much,  rarely serious unless the time calls for it, but during this "process" I'm going through, it seems to be my safeguard, a safe place that keeps my brain going constantly to ward off the anxiety that's always nipping at my heels.

I'm fully aware of the stupid voices I chatter with to get smiles on others, the wise cracks I make in the stores to total strangers and have them giggling down the aisles.  The constant practical jokes I pull on anyone and everyone.  Never once have I heard a voice in my head, unless like I said, forget the stupid head phones are on and you think, oh no!!!

It won't kill you! Might feel like it though.....

Yeah anxiety and the related issues with it, especially agoraphobia, is so debilitating that it can feel like you are slowly dying most the time until a nasty panic attack hits you, then you are certain you are going to die, right then and there,  but apparently it doesn't I'm still here,  I think?  Once you get forced indoors due to agoraphobia, you are backing yourself into such a small world that eventually you will be scared of doing anything at all, you can try to get into routines that helps for awhile, but soon, anxiety grabs a hold of those and makes you constantly change who and what you are.

As I spoke yesterday about my new friend who is in the aggressive state of anxiety, panic and agoraphobia,  I sympathize so much for her, and remember for myself the pain and anguish I went through, and what I put those around me through.  If you don't have panic yourself, you just can't imagine the pain and suffering it's like, and when you feel like everyone is against you, telling you to "just snap out of it"  it hurts, it's simply not that easy, especially when you get into the agoraphobia stages of being basically scared to death of the outdoors anymore.  For me that was enough to not want to live anymore.  I couldn't hunt, fish, hike, bike, not a damn thing I grew up worshiping doing.

So, when my new friend tells me she lives 1 mile from a hospital, oh boy has that struck home.  As I've written before in early blogs, It took me 2 visits to the hospital about 8 years apart in time to fix my issues.  The first time was in the ambulance, and I couldn't follow through with appointments after I got home, mainly because I just didn't have enough of the medications I'm on now to get me well enough to brave the trips.

The 2nd visit, I lived only 1 mile from the hospital.  Seems like karma here.  But I was in such a dark desperate place, I had simply no choice any more.  I can't even explain again, just how bad it was, in winter I had to go outside in shorts with no shoes and stand in the snow until the pain was so bad it got the anxiety to go away for a matter of minutes, yes minutes only, I was in total terror everyday for about 2 months.....  SO,  that was IT, I told Jeanne, I don't care if it kills me I'm going to the hospital right now,  of course I knew it wouldn't kill me, I've been through everything that could be thrown at me already, a 60 second car ride is NOT going to kill me, and I'm going to a place that, well, what better place to go than a hospital?  Whatever you got they can help you,  I wasn't worried about freaking out, or going nuts, I was GOING to get help and was not leaving until I got what I knew what would help me.

And that's what I did.

Actually looking forward to Burlington return

At this point, we have returned to Argyle, and settling in for the weekend, and we'll have to return Sunday, as my medication I take once a day will run out, and I really have to take that one. Need to talk to my doctor about it, because I don't think I need that particular one.  He has me on three of them,  one I take only as I think I need it, and it's an addictive one supposedly, since it's a narcotic called Lorazepam.  It calms your nerves basically.  But I'm well ahead on taking that mad, probably have a month and a half supply now, because I just don't take it very often, but good to have just in case I have issues like I did in the Dells.

But the one that supposedly isn't addictive, if I miss it for one day, I feel "strange" if I miss it for two days I normally have a pretty good panic attack.  Now,  is the drug really helping?  Or is my body withdrawing?  Or, well, I'll have to ask him I guess,  it's only a 75mg one called venlafaxine,  he had me on 150mg once, and holy crap, that wasn't good, took those for maybe 5 days and wanted to throw them in the river.  Horrible dreams with nasty nightmares, odd thoughts, etc etc.  Back to the 75mg and still wonder what exactly they are doing to me.

OK, anyway,  since my episode in the Dells, actually a couple, I just haven't been feeling like myself as I've got to know since I have been getting better.  Just couldn't get myself settled completely.  Really needed to get back to Burlington for a bit.  A lot of the pressure I think I was feeling, was just from going to the Dells in general.  A lot of new adventures I hadn't been ABLE to do for, well going on 12 years now.  So, I think it was  bit overwhelming altogether, and after that I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty directions at once.

To the Dells we go... tomorrow

Alright, so we headed to Argyle with our newly refurbished pop-up camper.  Of course we set it up once we got to Argyle to finalize a few things, and of course that lead to, well it wasn't completely done being refurbished, but oh well. it's close enough for now.  Will finish a few odds and ends that were overlooked a bit. Minor things at least.  The campers sure are neat, more or less just a step up from tent camping with your butts off the ground.  Tows great, nice and smooth, Jeanne was a nervous wreck for the 2 hour drive, but she's never had to tow anything before, so it was expected.

Probably didn't help that whenever she got comfortable, i'd say something like, hmm I think the tires may be going flat, or should it be swaying like that?   There was nothing wrong, but I'm kind of demented and like to give her a hard time hehe.

But anyway, it's up, it's cool, we like it and were going to take it all the way to the Dells this weekend with my Dad, Jeanne and I and the two dogs.  But once we looked at what the weather is going to be??  Mid-90's hot and humid maybe only 70's at night?  We think towing it another 2 hours north from Argyle, to be hot all day,  and maybe miserable at night, might just be worth a motel room for a couple nights until we get an air conditioner for the camper.

Fell asleep about 3:00 am this morning finally, had to take some of my meds I don't like to HAVE to take, but finally they worked, but at 5:45am I see these eyes posted below looking at me, about that far away, whining and a little kiss on my nose.. "daddy I gotta go potty".....

anxiety is a funny adversary,, not

No clue what's causing it, but knowing how anxiety works I  have a couple thoughts.   For the past 3 nights been having terrible troubles sleeping. Soon as I lay in bed, I start getting uncomfortable,  anxiety uncomfortable.  Start having trouble breathing, that sends me into the next step of worry, then pretty soon, i'm fidgeting all over, worry and stress about why it's happening, then pretty soon, I'm in a full blown panic attack mode.  Now, that said the attacks don't consume me like they used to.  I deal with them as long as I can then I get up and do something until they pass.  But that's now 1:30 or 2:00 am that i've been struggling.

And I like to get up at 6:00 am with the dogs, go for a walk with them, get them and myself exercise that helps keep the anxiety demons at bay for them and myself.  My first thought on the matter is.  I started shooting my longbow in preparation of archery deer season next month.  I haven't shot a bow in 15 years.  Muscles I haven't had a use for are now awaken from a dark cave and dorment area.  That new pain and sensation I'd rather not have, and wasn't used to made me uncomfortable the first of the 3 sleepless nights.

So, I believe that's what set it in motion, is some real pain in a new muscle area that hadn't been around since I was in my 20's lol.  Nonetheless, it triggered a few worries that shouldn't of mattered, but whatever, they did.  And now i've grown a new pathway in my brain that going to bed means i'm going to be uncomfortable and have a panic attack.. Poof,, there it is, 3 nights running now,  it's 1:30 am as I type this to get it off my chest and out of my brain.  And the dogs will miss their morning mile or so walk cuz I'll be tossing and turning until 4:00 am with this crap.

So, I turn to one of my now growing mound of hobbies,  online games, painting, guitar, fixing things, ie: trailers and camping trailers etc.  training the dogs,  I really could go on, but those are the main ones, and I swap them out as necessary to keep my brain away from thoughts of panic and anxiety.  Lately i've been well enough I don't even take my medication with me when i'm out and about on my own.  Wise or not, i'm testing myself I guess.  I keep pushing my limits to see if , to see if there is one?  And if there is,  I find away through it and on to the next.  Worst thing I can do is let my panic i'm having as I type this with going to bed leak into ANY other part of my life.

I'll work through this like i've done everything else so far in my life, just relearning to walk again in another phase of my journey.
Anyone else with the issues? Don't dwell on em, just try to meet them head on, if you hit a brickwall, don't bang your head on it, use your head in another way, if it's bad enough,   Get some help, it's not a crime, or embarrassment to admit you need, or rather want help.  Want is a much better word.  I use the "need" word as a joke at this point.  Most people that know me well know my sense of humor is off the wall, slapstick and tom foolery.  And often hear,, "you need help" or "you just ain't right"  well no kidding,  I know that, and the State of Wisconsin agrees with me, duh.. i'm on disibility for anxiety disorder.

It's not funny, but , ah hell yeah it is.  I know mentally i'm fine, as in i'm not a danger to anyone or myself, I can be trusted with the elderly, sharp objects and kids...  Ok maybe not sharp objects, especially crow bars, crow bars and I have a love hate relationship , but i'll tell that story another time, kind of a painful one.  But yeah, i'm getting help from the state, I NEEDED it.  Now I just want help to continue my battle. I want to enjoy life as much as I can as normal as I can.  10 years without being able to wake up in the morning and smile for any reason was hard.  Hard on me, hard on my loving dog Simba and Jeanne of course.   I think Simba took it the hardest.  He couldn't understand what was wrong with me,  can't explain it to him,  he just knew the walks we went on were hardly ever going to happen again.

The games we played changed, i'd suddenly be unable to do much more than cry at times, to the point I was too scared to go outside at all, even to take him out to go potty, Jeanne would have to,  and all I had to do was open the patio door, walk 11 feet to his tie out, hook him up and go back in.  Couldn't do it.  too far, too scared, couple times I made it that far,  I RAN fast as I could back to the house,  crawled even one time it hit me so hard.  The world was a large scary place that I was not welcome in any longer.

Simba became my sensor. amazing dog.  I'd be sitting in a chair, and he'd come over and flop his big head in my lap and look up at me,  he could tell, I didn't even know, but there was a panic attack coming on, from who knows what, and sure enough within minutes,  BAM, and off my brain would go. I'd hold him as tight as he'd let me, he was there for me every step of the way, wanting to understand and to help.

Ok now I have tears, I miss him dearly and have to move on, his death wears on me still because of the years I couldn't be more for him than I was for many years.  That's why I have 2 dogs now that I spoil and spoil, and give them everything they need and more, and they give it right back ten fold.

Get off the roof!! No!

Back at the old farm in Argyle this weekend.  And sure enough Grandma puts me to work right away hehe.  Well not really, she needed her gutters cleaned, and figured I'd give it a go, someone has to, she can't do it. So, figured good time to see if I could get up on the ladder that high up, 6 months ago, wasn't any way I could.  Apparently I'm getting better.  Got them gutters cleaned out by golly.  Even got up on the roof and finished the gutters off that way, with help from Jeanne also.  Even have pictures proving I was up there hehe.

Heart was pounding like mad, but that's alright, took another step in the right direction.  And no, umm don't call me to do your gutters, it wasn't THAT much fun.

But, of course once Grandma saw that I was ready to work,  had me watering her garden, picking tomatoes and pulling off caterpillars that were chewing up the tomato plants.  And then burning a big brush pile for her.  Good to help her, done a lot for me over the years, but time to go back down to Dads house before she had me putting in overtime...........  Oh, well she deserves the love, do everything I can for her while she's still around, last grandparent I have, going to spoil her as long as I can.  I'm sure in her will she'll leave a chore list for me that'll last for 20 years.  I'm only partially kidding on that,  I think I can wait for a while!!

Oh, side note, got a strange call on my cell phone today,  someone in an eastern Indian accent, telling me there has been strange warnings coming from my computer, and wanted me to turn it on so they can check the problem,.... click, bye bye,  anyone have that happen to them, hangup unless you have requested help and can verify the caller. . It's an attempt to steal your identity.  Not sure why they'd want mine,  most days over past 10 years I couldn't give it away.  NOW they want it....... .guess I am getting better hehe.

So, anyway,  not sure I mentioned what my new hobbies are?  We basically stole a decent shape pop up camper for $40.00 at a goodwill type store.  And have been fixing that up, almost done with it.  Quite enjoy doing that,  either going to resell it, use it or rent it out.  I need an income anyway I can get it.  Had so much fun fixing that one up, for really not much cost.  I bought a 21 foot travel trailer, outside is nearly perfect, inside has to be gutted and restored,  cabinets are nearly perfect, toilet and shower are very good, power center looks good,  trailer and tires look very good, has electric assisted breaks.  Got that for a couple hundred bucks,  trailer alone worth nearly 500.  Could part the rest out and make probably 800 total or so.

But, going to work on it, fix it up, and do the same as the pop up.  Keeps me busy, but until they are done they just suck up what little money I have after my doctor bills soak up what they can.  But heck, if I could fix them up and resell buy a couple more, rinse and repeat,  IF they sell,  could make a pretty penny, or I'll have a whole fleet of them with nothing to do with.... oh boy.

On to the next topic at hand..... Since we've last talked last December, we added to our family,, no no Jeanne's didn't get pregnant,  Loki our now year and a half old husky "needed" a brother,  well I thought he did, he's less than pleased with the situation of HAVING a brother.... But alas,  I got him a brother none the less,  a royal pain in the butt 6 month old black and white blue eyed monster called THOR.  And boy oh boy do they love to pick and pick and pick and argue to each other,  and now Thor apparently going through his terrible 2's early and started chewing up stuff.   *sigh*  Great having 2 dogs................Started painting also a bit again,  hard to get back into it, and a little rusty after 6 or 7 months not doing it.  But it's coming back quickly, had nearly as many people telling me to get painting again as I did writing my blog,  one of these things have to start giving me some money darn it, I have too many "hobbies" for other people..

One problem I have painting..  The reason I started doing it about 4 years ago was to help keep some of my anxiety at bay.  And it helped a great deal at first.  I spent many a sleepless night up painting because of panics grip on me.  And it kept my mind off of the issues, sometimes enough to get 3-4 hours of sleep eventually.  But now when I paint that's what I think about,  the panic and anxiety,  I think when I paint now that I must not be feeling well .. it's not the case,  I feel ok, but I associate it with that so much it's hard to get started painting because of that past I have with it.

Same with guitar playing,  took that up about the same time as painting, as another thing to help keep my mind off of my problems.  Hadn't played in a long time, and my best friend Jeremy has a beauty of a guitar, one time we stopped there I restrung it for him, and we twanged on it for a bit.  And I kind of fell in love with guitars again,  and HIS guitar,  really nice one, compared to the piece of crap electric I had.  Of course I have two other guitars, very nice Washburn acoustic,  and a Washburn acoustic electric.  So I traded in my crappy electric at Guitar Center in Madison for a new Ephiphone Les Paul plus top.  What a beautiful guitar, plays great.   But I still have troubles like in painting, of picking it up and playing because of my previous reasons for learning guitar in the first place.   it seems to never end geeez.

Time to Start blogging again. The Hunt chapter one:

Alright, yeah I've been inconsistent with blogging, and lot of people have actually asked when I was going to start again,  so, here's to my public followers, and thank you for reading.

Ok, I left off I believe a good month ago, our big trip back to Argyle and my first time hunting since 1996, this really is a great year for me, first time fishing in about 12 years, first time hunting since "96".  Things really are moving forward, not FAST by all means, still have occasional issues, but damn, I'm going hunting.  If you ask Jeanne, was driving her nuts, I was SO excited to get going, was ready to leave a week before season opened.

Well time had come, and we took off, the 3 of us on our next journey, Loki as excited as I it seemed, he was a nervous wreck worse than I.  And once again, great trip had no problems riding in the car whatsoever,  but Grandma wasn't going to be home yet, she was still in hospital in Darlington after her second successful hip replacement, so after morning hunt on Saturday we'd go see her in the hospital, that'll be another step for me, another new place to visit, well not knew, but since my anxiety is slowly getting worked on, everything is new to me after so long in my mental prison, like learning to walk all over again.

Stress stress stress

Well yeah, been awhile, October been just brutal month of constant running with really no pay off it seems.  Just stress and more of it.  So, without further introductions,  I guess i'll try to catch up where I left off.

Last time I posted was about 16 days ago, which seems like 2 years. The month started with Jeanne having to take her dad to milwaukee for his radiation treatments.  So, I'm home alone, which yeah big deal right?  Well she's gone from 3-5 hours, that's new for me over the past 10 years, so that raised stress levels way up, but surprisingly didn't really effect my anxiety, in the past that would of driven me into a frenzy, but I survived it, only lasted a couple weeks I guess.  What's funny about it,  her Dad would drive 30 minutes to Burlington to meet with Jeanne then have her drive using our gas, so he could save money.  So nice of him.  That's part of my stress I live around, it's little things

But, my main cause and concern, and yeah i'll get yelled at for posting I guess the issues I have with my mother-in-law, but if you don't want to read about it, don't read it here!  First of all she don't like men, so strike one on me, no she's married, seperated of course, just doesn't like guys, and most women the way it seems, unless she's trying to impress someone then you see a different person, soon as they are gone, back to same old same old.

This will take a bit to go through.

Coyotes are calling!

About a week since my last post, just haven't felt like writing, and that's not good for keeping my readers happy.  Sorry about that.  Felt fine, just been running around doing crap.  So, the trail camera I bought,  wasn't happy at first, but a lot was user error.  Too high placement, too low, tinker with settings.  One hint is don't put it on too small a tree, every breeze that blows you get 30 pictures, you get a big windy day you'll fill the camera up with 600 pictures of the wind blowing.  Been there, done that.

About 3 feet off the ground and sturdy attachment will get you what you want.  Which in my case after a week of tinkering was one morning dove flying by lol.  But, besides my interest in critters of all types, I'm using this as another thing for me to do to push myself and make myself walk further alone, and with Loki away from the house.  At first I kept moving the camera a little further away, but now I have a great spot about 300 yards or so from the house on a fence line.  I shouldn't be checking it everyday, due to getting my scent in the area too often.  But I look forward to the exercise and the unknowing what might of been captured.

Brain damage? Nah it's all in your mind!

Since there is over 20 million americans alone who suffer from one or another ailment of anxiety, that's just in the United States,  millions more world wide, it can't be brain damage causing the anxiety, least not all of us.  So, when you hear "it's all in your mind, get over it", don't let it bother you.  Because they are right.  To a point.  It is all in your mind, but it's not like a fear of heights, snakes, spiders, whatever phobia ails many people.  It's just not the same, sorry.

With severe anxiety disorders, such as I have, more so "had", there is a pathway in your brain that has been somewhat, some way altered.  Basically meaning the previous daily routine now becomes difficult.  When you come to the daily routine, the pathway in your head that's been damaged in a manner,  what used to be second nature to achieve, now has this road block.  And it is physically there in your brain, it's not imagined, the pathways have actually changed. That's what cause severe anxiety.  You have to actually form a new pathway, by basically relearning what used to come natural to you, and bypass the old block in the path.

So, when you hit that block, you now start to worry. "oh no, yesterday I had a panic attack when I was going to walk the dog, I better not do that today."  And that leads to no longer doing that particular thing.  Then you are working in the garden, have a panic attack for whatever reason,  guess what,  new block in a pathway.  And that according to the doctors is truly there and happening.  Your brain regenerates the pathways, but you have to form them also, you learn constantly.  With helps from medication making it easier to rebuild your path, you will get less blocks.

It's not like a fear of spiders, where if you constantly subjected yourself handling them until your fear was gone, which may work not sure, I hate spiders, where as anxiety the fear isn't really seen, it's felt, and you'd think you would be able to control your own body, since the brain is part of it, but it's a miraculous thing that brain, some smaller than others :)  but with blocked pathways built up, especially in myself having built up a lot of road construction upstairs over 10 long years,  it's basically like learning to walk all over again.

So, yep it's all in your head, they are right, but those that don't believe in panic and anxiety, aren't informed completely on what is truly the whole story.  So, next time you hear, it's all in your head, get over it,  agree with them, and maybe educate them a little on the part they missed.

Moving on.  I've been bad about keeping up with my posts lately, as winter approaches i've been trying to push myself doing different things than normal, since i'll be locked up inside i'm sure more when it's cold out.  Therefore i've lost a lot of interest in my posts, sadly.  Was really enjoying seeing nearly a hundred people a day viewing the blog and growing, it's really dropped off, my fault I know.

News on the homefront.  Went to the dogpark nearly at dark last night, didn't take any medication yesterday, well took my regular ones, but not the "relaxant" ones that i'm supposed to take morning and night,  but I wanted to challenge myself to ride to the park, and do it without "help".  And I was pretty darn jumpy, but survived it ok, no damaged pathways.  Soon as I got home, I looked at the med bottle put one in my hand, and then put it right back in the bottle.  Lifted weights for 15 minutes and painted for a half hour instead.  Screw you anxiety.

I'll be trying that again without meds, i'll take them with.  Sometimes just having the miracle medication around, is like a kid with a blanket, makes you feel safe.  But that's why I wanted to go without. You take the meds long enough they start becoming habit, you "need" them.  Just like alcohol becomes a habit or smoking or whatever.  So, I need to be able to do this without relying solely on the meds or face addiction, habit, or a blanket that I need for comfort always.  I survived it without a full blown attack, so I don't "need" them that much anymore.  But do need to keep myself going for a while yet, I'm ready to walk, just not quite ready to run apparently.

Let's see,  Loki's allergy issues or whatever it really is,  finally seems to be healing up, so soon it'll be time to call the Vet and get his nuts wherever they are chopped.   I'm not looking forward to it, he don't know it's coming, but I guarantee if he did, he'd not look forward to it either.  I'm sure a lot more than I.  But, they haven't dropped after 7 months, they aren't going to.

Bought one of those trail cameras, trying to figure it out, seems straight forward but sure not getting much at night, supposed to have 55 to 60 foot infrared range, which is very good distance for these cameras and 8 megapixels, also very good.  But night time range i've tested isn't getting more than about 10 feet.  Anyway, trying to get pictures of the damn coyotes that keep invading us, and it gives me something new and different to do.

We'll see what happens. 

Later,

Lance

Family visit and back to same old same old

Well, finally got rid of the family that was down to visit *JUST KIDDING*.  Always great to see them, and keeps me wanting more time with them.  Paid back Grandma for the weight I put on when I was over to them last,  Had to laugh when she weighed herself in the bathroom, "FOUR POUNDS!" I put on 4 lbs since we were here.  Hehe.    And she also mentioned she found the pine cone I stuffed in her shoe about a week after we had left Argyle.  Somehow I got blamed for it.  *shrug* dunno why.

Love that lady.  But it did seem like we didn't stop eating or munching the entire time we were together.  Best food from our family I tell ya. Heck with Paula Dean lol.   OH, that's right, wonderful family heh, I knew about time they would be here on Monday, so Loki and I walked towards town about 1/2 mile to "meet them" more or less, I figured they'd drive by and leave us stranded, which they did,  Greg leaning out the window asking which way to Burlington as they laughed and whooshed by me trotting behind with Loki in tail lol.

Packers, what is wrong with you!

Bad weekend for Wisconsin football geez.  We need a new defensive coordinator, time to say goodbye to Capers and promote Kevin Greene the linebackers coach,  and order a new pair of hands for Finley, "elite" tight end my butt.   And Badgers? wow you guys didn't look worth a crap, enough said.   We need a running game all the way around in Wisconsin apparently.

Anyway.  Waiting on the family to arrive, should be about a hour now, and last night the excitement of seeing them again had me a tad on the edge, couldn't sleep worth a crap, so i'm dead dog tired.   Speaking of dead dog,  coyotes keep picking away at Niko's grave site, and it's REALLY starting to piss me off.  All I have for weoponry is my longbow and a few arrows, have my 2 pistols from my law enforcement days but no ammo, need a long rifle to deal with the issue.  But before getting doctor help, I honestly didn't trust myself with any weopons around as bad as I was feeling with my anxiety.

But now, any thoughts like that are long gone.

What's new in the world of anxiety?

Heck not a lot hehe.  Feeling good, my last post left me with feeling really uncomfortable in a store, and that night I went back and we went to 3 stores and a nice run in the dog park just to piss off anxiety and let it know who's in charge.  Felt good, great really.  Got a bunch of food, munchies mainly for my families visit tomorrow.

Bunch of cheese, even bought some Limburger, gee whiz that stuff stinks, you get passed the smell?  You know what that stuff is pretty darn tasty, can't believe I actually tried it,  Grandpa Bob loved the stuff, I do see why now, but man it stinks like a pair of gym socks stuck away in a corner of a locker for a couple months.  But tasty all the same, not that I've tried gym socks but the cheese is good.  And of course had to buy my swiss cheese, love it love it, must be cuz I'm swiss who knows.

Family coming to Visit!

Hunting season starts soon, so, that means Greg aka Dad, won't be seen much for about 2 months, SO, Grandma, Dad, and Aunt Linda going to come down and stay for the night.  Always good to see them, lifts my spirits up.  And they can see all the changes we did to our places with the new paint, and a few added items.  And of course Grandma can't come without bringing have the grocery store with her geez.  Can't even remember everything she's bringing,  but I did here 2 racks of RIBS!! After that the rest was kind of lost hehe.

So, that'll be fun, they are coming on Monday.  This past week, we took Loki into the vet again, his ears and nose, and his right eyelid still having a lot of redness, some swelling, and lots and lots of itching.  This time the vet gaves us some cream to put on it, and within 2 days he's already looking like he's almost back to normal.  We still don't know what in the heck it is,  we're all guessing allergies the way it looked.  But did the allergies go away with the rain or did the medications and lotion work.  pfft don't know.