Trip planning has begun!

                                                                             

Ok, so, last post, was about planning a trip to Washington state to see My aunt and uncle,  and now that is confirmed and planning has begun.  sounds like my Mother from Alaska, is going to be able to get down to see us as well.  Been 15 years since I've seen her as well.  I should put a picture of her on here, she would kill me. but almost worth it.. almost.

Going to be a long drive, about 2300 miles one way from Wisconsin.  Right now looking at going to Mt Rushmore,  Yellowstone national park.  and Glacier National Park on the way out to Olympia, Washington area.

Long time no see!

I know it's been a long while since I have written a new blog in here.  So many people have asked me to keep writing it.  So let's do that here quick, get some people caught up in my life I guess.  I just haven't felt motivated to write lately, been trying to live life outside of a computer.  But it keeps dragging me back into it.!!

Alright here goes nothing!   From you loyal followers to someone that doesn't have a clue what I am talking about.  Neither do I!!  SO we are in the same boat.   Which is weird, there is no water where I am sitting.  So the boat is somewhat odd placement.

Moving on.  Some know some do not. I'm on disability for my anxiety problems that still persist on a daily basis.  And let me tell you I don't get much, after paying doctor bills, car insurance for a vehicle I can rarely drive, and daily expenses etc etc,  Not much left to go with.

The thing Is the only job I can really do with a certainty is from the computer at home, basically have to still have a "babysitter"  when I go out and about.   Jeanne is the default choice there, she's a trooper with that, but after 12 years of the ups and downs,  I try not to be TOO much of a pain to have my taxi service waiting for me to holler.

Nice to be Back in Burlington!

Well, didn't feel like blogging much for last 4-5 days, thanks to my Dad, we had a really nasty cold since last Tuesday, so the Thanksgiving holidays basically sucked, hunting was out of the picture as well as just trying to get off the couch to pee.  Couldn't hardly taste any of Grandma's thanksgiving meal.  And we left for Burlington on Friday morning, which I slept through most of the trip home. 

I am in charge of the turkey for the Burlington clan,  even though I felt crappy yet, we're still fielding calls on how wonderful the turkey was hehe.

So anyway, today starting to feel better I guess, light cough yet, and weak as heck,  Jeanne still going through the same crap, but she doesn't sound as bad as I did, so maybe she got lucky and didn't get the full force of it.  The bad thing also is, we gave it to Grandma Eva, which really sucks, I hate to see her get any kind of illness.  Not that I want anyone else to get this nasty cold from us, but sharing is better than giving right???

But, Thor and I are back in the big town.  Since mid-September, I don't think I've spent more than a week total here.  Really is nice to get back for awhile.  Dad and I needed a break I think.  We're too much alike in a lot of ways, and as well as we get along these days, it's almost like Siamese twins after awhile, and you just need to separate somehow.

The hunt continues with not much progress

Been a few days since I've posted.  Been so busy hunting and running around just haven't taken the time.  Soon as you get done hunting in the morning, time you get 14 layers of clothes off from trying to keep warm and dry, you are ready for a nap.  But then just when you wanna do that, you are hungry, make breakfast then you are really sleepy.  Sit down for a bit, relax food coma sets in, stand up to take a nap, then another hunter friend stops in to chat.  One friend leaves someone else stops by, pretty soon, it's lunch time.  Phones ringing, more people stop by.  next thing you know it's 3 o'clock and time to get ready for hunting again.

I tell you this hunting for food is work!!  The cavemen did indeed have it nice without having to worry about phone calls, and they probably just speared anyone that stopped by to say "hello" when it was nap time.  Then they had more food.   Hmmm.

Anyway,  hunting is still great fun, the deer stands are still tough at times,  a few of them seem to be great for my brain to handle, some not so much.  But having killed 2 deer already.  I'm pretty good on meat for the winter into spring, so the pressure is off on that, now I can just wait for a "real buck" been a long time, I want a big one. Gun hunting doesn't count that much in my book, too easy.

Winter is here?

Nice seeing the white stuff falling for a little while, but go away hehe.  sure is pretty out though.  Fun on deer stand, you can see everything so much clearer and further.  But alas,  I didn't see a darn thing tonight.  Everyone else did that hunts with us saw a bunch, but not me what the heck.  And it was a frigid night on stand for sure.  My butt kept freezing to the seat on the stand.   Wind howling, looked like a great night after a storm moving through but not for me.

Anyway, last 4 days been up and down, have a good day then bad day , rinse repeat.  Today been great, but the deer stands been winning,  well I shouldn't say that.  right now we're even 2 to 2.  Made it through two nights without having to get out and relax on the ground for a bit, other two nights I was up and down several times, those nights of course would explain lack of seeing anything at all, not tonight, was real good.   This morning same.  But first night back I was a mess,  I was up and down 5 times and never did settle down.  Oh well, I'll keep fighting.

Stayed in the camper last 3 nights, however, tonight and at least tomorrow I'm going to chicken out, down to zero windchill and windy, the furnace works good, but propane isn't that cheap after awhile, so I'll just have to go inside for a couple nights then back out.  Just love it in that little camper.  Quiet, peace of mind, no phones ringing.  Peaceful.  Except the 20 mph winds shaking the thing all over.

Thought a couple random pictures were needed lol

OK, so roads were looking a little slick today, talked Jeanne into staying until tomorrow, she'll make the trek back to Burlington for a while, I'll stay here and keep trying to find my "good" buck.  Yeah I shot two little ones, but hey, I haven't shot a deer in 15 years, I'm entitled I think to thinning the herd a bit right?

I'm good on meat now, two deer will get me through winter and then some, so I don't really need another one, BUT  I really want to shoot a good buck, been too long.

Been and interesting year,  lots of ups and downs and breakthroughs.  No set backs worth even mentioning.  Can't wait for the next year to see what challenges I can tackle.

Anyway,  mostly just been hunting and pushing myself more than I should probably, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

See you tomorrow.

Lance

Too MUCH CORN!!!! Some will understand!

Well, it was time to head back to see my "other" family for a while, needed a break was wearing myself out constant going going "hunting"  I know it seems like it's just playing around, but dang I was getting pooped out, and stressed from constant bombardment of people everywhere you turned, kids yelling and kicking, dogs running crazy. Chaos.  Sleep in the camper, retreat to the camper, helped a lot.  But now back in Burlington for a few days, I MISS MY CAMPER!!

Fresh air and cool weather, even the bed was great, I see why those things are loved by so many, home away from home I tell you!

But it was time to get back for a few apparently sleepless nights, I slept maybe 2 hours all night, and what I did manage in sleep was constant very odd dreams. I think I may have missed some regularly scheduled meds I should have taken?  Don't feel sick, so that's what I'm going to have to go with.

Was nice getting greeted by my baby Thor after 10 days away from my little buddy.  You would think I was gone for a year the way I was greeted, he nearly bent himself in half wiggling his way to me, then I was mauled with a face lapping and whining for 15 minutes.  Brings a smile to your heart.  Never know he'd got his "boy parts" taken from him 11 days before, never changed a bit, but I still feel bad for him.

On a different note, after seeing such huge bucks around Argyle.  And so many deer running everywhere I just had to get away to smaller bucks and less deer.. ...... ..  Ok Ok.. sarcasm filter didn't catch that one.  Can't believe how little deer we have and the DNR says kill em all there is thousands!!!  Well our game cameras tell a different story!  But we do have 200 acres of standing corn for them to hide in.  Would be seeing more without that still up. But it will save the deer and give them places to hide on our farm.But Burlington.... this is another reason I "needed" and "wanted" to come back for a little.

 No not this one, the time on clock didn't change for daylights saving time.  I was checking my camera in hopes of getting a picture of the guy below this.  But there was deer out feeding, so I just pulled my camera out quick and didn't spook the deer.

 Now, THIS is a deer, I've seen him and his 2 buddies several times, but never close enough to get a shot.  In case you are wondering?  Yeah that is a big son of a buck. And one of his buddies is bigger, one just a tad smaller.

And of course one of our nuisance neighbors, there is a ton of coyotes around here.

The hunt continues!

And I must say it isn't going well.  But I am getting worn out quick.  Thing is, trying to hunt only out of tree stands, and it's really rough on me, I can relax to a point, as long as I can hang on to something but that makes it hard to shoot, I don't know if it's just fear or it's something to do with my medication also? I just don't know, but some of the stands just aren't easy to sit in.  But it's really wearing me out, it's constant adrenaline pushing through me the entire stand time no matter what, let alone when a deer starts to come him, your heart starts pounding a bit more on top of everything else.

No matter how little or big a deer is, when they come in, the excitement or more so the enjoyment of seeing them coming in so close is always there, why it's so much fun.  And work.  But having to stay so still, and move so slow and quiet, that wears on you with your adrenaline pushing through.  I'm about all in by the time I get done with hunting each time, takes me a while to calm down when I get back home.

Then Dr. Lance G hits a huge body nice buck, with his stone tipped arrow, so we have to miss the Packer game to help him trail his buck over by Brodhead,  got to bed at 2 am. that hurt, didn't hunt that morning hehe.  But was so nice to help Lance find his great buck!  That's the only thing I'd miss watching a packer game for!

But it's been non stop goin going gone.  Dragging deer out, getting up early, going to bed late, and now time change is coming up soon, which will screw us up more and more.  Get up at 4 am yuck.  And this week we'll have 5 or 6 more people staying at Dad's so it's going to be a madhouse non stop, and other friend hunters stopping in, no rest for the weary I guess.  Feel like the walking dead, I guess I'm glad it's not in the Rockies going up and down those hills!

Revenge on one deer!

The deer hunt continues, and they are moving around, but so much corn yet, they mostly aren't coming out til after dark. But a couple nights ago, I no longer got into stand and here comes a little buck, tiny one, spike on one side and forked points on the other, nice size deer, but just not what I want, at least not right at this moment.

Well he fed through and back into the corn he went 20 yards away and slipped out of sight. And I'm finally braving sitting up in the deer stands, I'm not comfortable but I'm making It through the day and night stands  without having to get out for a while so I can breathe again.  But anyway, another 15 minutes passed and here comes another buck, and he's a MONSTER!!  Nice body deer, but little spikes on the little guy, I videoed him for 6 minutes, and I kept grunting him back in and again right under my stand, it was not yet his time to end up in the freezer.

While the little buck still looking for the grunt origin, here comes a big doe from the other direction, and I'm turned the wrong way to shoot her and I want here badly!  She was clueless coming in, had no idea I was there, but I had to turn around completely to shoot her, and while turning as quiet as I can, my boot clipped part of the stand and clanged, and off she went, and I was NOT happy to say the least, would of been a 10 yard easy shot.

So my frustrations just turned to that poor little buck that was still around and looking for whatever was grunting at him, and I let out another series of grunts, and here he comes again, just to my east 7 yards, as I drew back my Longbow he came into a perfect shooting lane,  I decided it's time for some meat and let fly, the arrow struck true, easily a lung hit, as he crashed through the brush to the east.

Poor Thor!

My poor little puppy went in to the vet today to get his manhood chopped off.  Almost eight months old, I feel so bad for him, had a stomach ache all day worrying about him.  He could tell something was up, he didn't want to go into the vet's office at all, and just loved having me try to put him in the cage to await his manhood demise.  I had to get out of there, he was so scared and nothing I am gonna be able to do for him now, I'm sure he was and is going to feel worse than I do for him, but at the time and now it doesn't feel like it. Poor baby.  I mean Thor not me.

I even took a picture to remember him by.

Yes I know I'm not right in the head, deal with it!! hehe.

Have to move on from that instead of dwelling on it. Oh yeah forgot, ate in a restaurant for the first time since my major panic attack trying to eat at one in the Dells.  And came through with no issues at all, and stuffed my little belly full.  Nice to have small victories in the battle now and then.

Loki right now also seems to be a bit, well not sure, he seems almost happy that Thor isn't here to pick on him, but at same time he's wondering where his buddy is.  When we came out of the vet's office, he looked at me like "umm dad you forgot something,  right?"  He kind of watched the office out of the back window as we drove off, but doesn't take him long to figure out what's going on. "dad you did that to me once, and I will never forget".  *chomp*.

Been steadily deer hunting in the ever growing colder temperatures,  windy and cold. But the deer are slowly starting to get into their breeding season.  Dad and I sat in a ground blind together last night on one of our food plots.  Winds were howling at about 20 mph, I figured we wouldn't see a darn thing, but we ended up seeing a doe and fawn within 15 minutes, and saw a deer coming from a different direction the entire time we were on stand.  Ended up being an odd and wild night of hunting.

Feels like winter coming!

Leaves turned quickly and are falling like rain, cold windy and rainy out, only thing this temperature is good for is HUNTING!! Thank God I can do that again, every day I feel so lucky to be able to be out and be able to hunt again, especially without having to have a babysitter.   And Jeanne is thankful that I don't need her to baby sit me constantly. 

As much as I loved hunting and fishing, that is what I've missed the most in my long struggle is that ability to do it whenever I wanted to, and have that taken away from me was so hard.  Now I can actually have a resemblance of normalcy back into why crazy world. 

On a different note. My Grandma had a nice birthday party for Amber and Dan's youngest today, her first birthday!  Nice time getting to see them as well as getting to chat with Phil and Jill again, really enjoy listening to their stories and my Dad just loves them do death.  Hopefully can get to see them more often. Good friends, good health good times.  And of course I have to play the creepy older step-brother to Amber which I know she adores.

So, we gained a few extra unwanted pounds, now back down to Dad's house and I'm putting up some patchwork insulation in my pop up camper so I don't freeze my tootsies off as the weather drops again tonight into the low 30's.  Last night was all right.  It does have a propane furnace which works well enough.  Installed smoke detector and carbon monoxide testers,  but I won't have the luxury of that heater if we camp this time of year where there is no electricity, so I'm trying to get by without using that.  Using emergency blankets to cover the windows, blankets to section off both pop up bed sections, layering on another set of blankets on top and under the sleeping bags.  

It's windy and cold out now, and was nice and toasty warm, but not 30 degree "warm" so we'll see how tonight goes :).

Ok, hunting. again I know right?  I'll keep it simple, sat in a ground blind, saw an enormous doe and her fawn again, but they just don't like coming anywhere near our blind.  Have to rethink that location of the blind I believe.

Moving on for now. Did dream I shot an African Lion and a doe last night on the farm, which I thought was odd?  And was dreaming I was back selling real estate again.  I really miss that job, loved it.  Felt horrible having to basically call in "sick" to my manager one late night, and say I just couldn't continue on because of this anxiety crap.  My living was gone. I missed 3 years of the best real estate buying and selling there ever was and probably ever will be again. 

Ok time for a new blog!

Been running around here and there, been dealing with a horribly infected tooth, have a good deal of excuses to haven't gotten a new blog out recently.  then Amber has her 3 kids here who are all getting or have the flu and colds, so I'm looking forward to see if we get the illness.  But in the meantime, we move on right?

So, been hunting every night, trying like heck to get up in tree stands to get over my fears in that avenue.  Win some lose some so far.  I can seem to get up in trees without stands "OK" but not great, but the man-made ladder stands so far has been a real issue for me.  If one has plenty of tree branches close by I feel safer, like I can grab them if something happens.  I tend to start getting dizzy and feel like I'm going to be launched out of the darn tree. But a lot of the stands don't have much for branches anywhere or around or it's just small tiny branches with leaves and that's it, and I can tell, soon as I get up in them, my world starts spinning and I gotta get out of there fast.

But I've managed to get up in a few stands and last the night, so It's getting better, but It's not comfortable at all, at least until it gets close to end of season, gets a little darker out, the world seems smaller I guess, and apparently that still affects me how the world appears to me and makes it more comfortable.  Plus that's when most the bucks start moving, so I have more to keep my mind occupied on something else and tend to not dwell on my issues.  Otherwise I'm hyperventilating and shaking the whole night.  Not fun at all.

What's new?

Well, not a ton of news, love the new Dodge, thinking of getting FORD decals for it, so I don't feel quite as odd driving it. last 4 vehicles have been Fords, grew up with Fords. Oh well, nobody will recognize me in a Dodge, I guess that's something eh?  The thing is bright red, that'll surely go unnoticed as well.  Maybe I will spray paint it camouflage or all black. That should up the value.

Anyway, not great on gas, it is a beast of a vehicle. Room of a minivan inside, tons of storage space and can tow a whole lot more than our Escape did.  Which we will hopefully need.

Ok, on to the hunt!  Some may recall last fall, I went gun hunting for deer for also the first time in at least 15 years, and needed a baby sitter next to me opening day, and slowly after that no longer needed someone right by me, but nearly within screaming range, or at least by phone and quick rescue by Coast Guard!  This is a two part story I guess.... Now I rarely even take my medicine in with me for that "just in case I really feel rotten" times.   So, I am progressing with that, taking away my crutch having my meds is a big step for me and no longer needing anymore remotely close is also a great upswing.

Also, last fall I was totally unable to get in a tree stand of any sort off the ground. Well shouldn't say that, I got in one very easy, and was ready to launch myself right back out face first I got such a panic attack so quickly, I hung on to the top rung the rest of the night shaking, but did not want to give in and go all the way to the ground and let another fear rule of me.

So, this year bow-hunting, it's so much better to be up in the air, can see game coming, they can't see you as easy, and so on and on and on.  So, I am determined to win that battle, and have had some success.  First couple nights I looked up at that stand, and just shook my head and said the heck with it,  right now I am just happy being able to hunt on my own and not have to be concerned about help, or taking medicine to get by.  A  couple of nights I stood in the stand for a little THEN I felt like screaming and launching myself out.

So, tried a different approach, I started climbing just up in trees without stands,  I only got up to 12 or 13 feet, which is better than a kick in the butt, and had no trouble at all.  So I progressed with that approach, and finally got up in a "man-made" stand the other night,  and sweated and shook and hyperventilated all night, but I made it through 2.5 hours of it.  So, it starts, next time maybe it will be easier, maybe not.  Everything new is a fight with anxiety,  and everything you don't do on a regular basis becomes a struggle again.  Like lawn mowing.  I got to the point this summer when I was so comfortable on one again I almost fell asleep several times.  Now it's been close to a month since I have had to be on one, or couldn't be due to rain or whatever.  Today was a struggle again.  Was having immediate anxiety problems trying to cut down the hayfield of a front yard.

Ok, New truck, life slightly back to normal?

Alright, so life getting slowly back to normal I guess, fast and furious search to replace our broken up Ford Escape by that nasty little deer has come to a speedy conclusion already.  Faster than I really thought it would, I was being very picky.  Was looking for another Ford, that's all I've ever liked or had.  But when you see a price tag at a dealership for 12,000 bucks on 100,000 miles on 2004 models ?? I don't think so.  But I used the time to play with the salespeople to see what kind of prices I could get them down to.  Little surprising how overpriced the dealers have them at apparently.  So, playing with salespeople got to be fun, got 12000 down to 7900 pretty quickly.

But that wasn't even the price what it was worth. So, more calling more dickering on prices, until I got kind of talked into a Dodge Durango.  83,000 miles for one heck of a price.  I might even sell it for what it's really worth I got such a good deal on it.  I even test drove it, and really amazed at how great that SUV feels.  2006 model , v-8 4.7 liter engine, the thing roars, looks good and feels like a tank and drives like a Mercedes.  Within reason anyway but you get my point.

Interesting few days

                                                       The poor truck.

Well, was all excited to go hunting, then of course I get the phone call from Jeanne that she hit a deer outside Janesville, and by the steam coming from the front of the truck, yeah well not good. Of course that upset me a great deal, yeah should of asked if she was ok, but, like a "guy" was more concerned apparently for my vehicle (hey she wouldn't of called if she wasn't ok) so, I guess it was presumed.  But all I saw was dollar signs shooting out the billfold.  Good insurance yeah, but still a big pain in the ass. And my poor Ford Escape.  Now I get to wonder if the damage is enough that they will want to just "total" it, and hope I don't get screwed with insurance payout.

So, anyway, that of course sent my anxiety into it's own little overdrive, wasn't bad, but no way I was going to be able to drive over there to pick her up, or even ride along at this point.  So Grandma and Aunt Linda to the rescue!  They didn't get to Argyle until about 12:15 am.  In the meantime I was making phone calls to insurance agent to leave a message, I took care of calling the police and setting up all that crap.  Jeanne was a tad upset when she called, so spent the time calming her down,  I gave her little things to do at the time, to get her mind off it, didn't seem to take long.

Had her check on the deer, to see if it was hurting or dead, that took some prodding to do, have to tap on it's eyeball to see if there was any reaction, she apparently wasn't too thrilled about doing that,  finally achieved that and there was no reaction, so the deer didn't suffer at all, was dead on impact.  as apparent with the damage to the poor Ford.  Was hoping to keep the deer, but with that kind of hit on it, wasn't much meet left to be preserved.
                                                         
                                 the accident scene can see 1 small left over piece of the truck

Heck with it, I am crazy, everyone else is.....

Well, Dad is off on his hunting trip for Elk in Colorado, and I'm all alone with my pup Thor, he's good company I guess, but not much for conversation.  Already lonely and feeling stressed, kinda dumb but that's my life.  Guess I just deal with it.  Fixed my chainsaw, going to cut up some wood today, actually tomorrow probably, supposed to be beautiful and much cooler out.  Set up my painting easel and paints, canvas ready to begin,  the enthusiasm for actually painting hopefully will come with it, but not so far.

And can you imagine?  Sent a picture of me "mooning" the camera and got called "rude"  LOL, me?? nevvver.  Oh well I laughed,  does that count??

Was hoping to enjoy a day and night without someone around, but not so sure now.  And I really hate sleeping alone,  dog sleeps UNDER the bed, and my dad isn't much help in that category either, no he doesn't sleep under the bed, as far as I know, he's odd but maybe not that odd.  And he surely doesn't sleep in MY bed!!

Two days until opening of bow season, I'm actually excited!  Even though I'll probably only go 5 or 6 times until the rut starts,  but this will be my first bowhunting season in 16-17 years? maybe 18 even. SO yep, excited.  Hopefully get over another fear I've gotten of getting into actual tree stands, so far now it's ground hunting in blinds for me, will just have to do, but I hate not being able to see very far and see what's coming.

Also planning on working on boats and trailer I have acquired, and doing a little bit on my pop up camper, and maybe sleeping in for "finally" the first time maybe Friday night. But it's kind of in a "stored" location, not really ideal for camping behind 2 gas tanks, get to smell diesel fuel all night, whoooppeee.  And hearing 3 coon dogs bark close by all night sounds appealing as well.

I guess my lonely little bedroom in the house may sound a bit better.  Since I have no vehicle here to go anywhere with, or to hook up to the camper to move it right now.  Maybe i'll get to watch the NFL game tonight on TV!! Instead of Dad's constant bombardment of hunting, fishing and cooking shows!!  Yes I love to DO all three things, but I get so sick of the shows about them, drives me nuts, of course he knows this, and probably why he watches them nonstop.

Ok, going to get something accomplished today, I'll write more later.

Lance

OH no, I must be crazy!!

Oh no, the voices are back!!  Then I realized oh crap, I have my headphones on listening to a book, geez.  Nah just kidding, never heard voices, but here I am almost 3 in the morning, ideas running through my head, "no they aren't speaking to me".  Thinking, wow I say and do some really stupid things.  So why not write about them?

A lot of people say that when you have a panic attack "it's all in your head, just snap out of it", well yeah it is in my head, wish I could just pop it out lol.  But as I lay here typing away, I do think about what is "nuts".   At times going through horrible panic, I wondered, really am I losing it? Or had I never had it?  I look back at my grandparents, parents, cousin Matt and definitely his wife!!  My wonderful sister Amber is in a league of her own!.  Heck we're all nuts, just to what degree?  I believe we've got it under control in the nuts department.  We have fun, that's it, and the circle we're in with family and friends, to be honest, tend to get sucked into our own fantasy of insanity world, and it's quite humorous.

Like Grandpa Bob setting off quarter sticks of dynamite on tree stumps for fun, or the time when I was changing a light bulb for Grandma and he was sneaking up behind me while I was on the ladder with a firecracker in his hand, lighter in the other, just a giggling away.  Hell yeah my family is nuts!! And I love them for it. And miss terribly the ones that have passed. The stories will live on forever.

But that's a different kind of nuts, that's just family letting loose, I have endless stories that would make these ridiculous TV shows now a days beg for our script that is always ad-libbed and off the cuff, it is no act, it's just the way we are.  Take it or leave it.

But as I go through my healing process, I find myself wondering, what is really nuts?  In my estimation, it's doing things without comprehension that you are actually doing them.  therefore I take a breath and relax just a bit, I hope.  I joke way too much,  rarely serious unless the time calls for it, but during this "process" I'm going through, it seems to be my safeguard, a safe place that keeps my brain going constantly to ward off the anxiety that's always nipping at my heels.

I'm fully aware of the stupid voices I chatter with to get smiles on others, the wise cracks I make in the stores to total strangers and have them giggling down the aisles.  The constant practical jokes I pull on anyone and everyone.  Never once have I heard a voice in my head, unless like I said, forget the stupid head phones are on and you think, oh no!!!

Back at the Farm,,,, again.

                                My dear Grandma playing along with her goofy grandson.

Decided to come back a day early,  but we're here, back at the farm again. So nice being able to just pack up and go, and not worry about the drive, or getting in a vehicle whatsoever. Love it Love it love it.   So nice to be free again! 

Ok, moving on, not going to dwell on anxiety this time.  It's time for bow hunting darn it!!

Oh, and Happy Birthday to my mother today!!!  Promised her to paint her a picture, *sigh* to hot to paint, but I better get it done, maybe a polar bear, during a blizzard!,  (blank white canvas).  

That may not fly dunno.

Ok, so... my first time archery deer hunting in a long long time, looking forward to it, I still won't be real excited until the rutting season starts, but just being able to go without someone having to babysit me will be great, or have to have Jeanne sitting in the car in a reasonable distance away in case I freak out.  No worries anymore.

Holy cow, nobody has ever died from anxiety!

Did you know that?  Well according to a Google search on the matter at least, worldwide studies have shown that anxiety and panic attacks will not kill you!  Whew what a relief.  In my worst times, I wish it did kill me, because it sure as heck felt like it.

But when I finally reached the lowest depths I could, and decided now, now is the time, it must end, not my life, but the beginning of a new life a new world.  I was going to the hospital and that's it, I knew I would be scared to death going there, being there, but it's a hospital.  They know what to do for anxiety problems, sure It sucked waiting there, but life began again for me that night, I was reborn.  Thank god.

SO, I totally agree that no matter what is thrown at you with anxiety, it sure as heck won't kill you, no matter how bad it seems.

Wonderful cycle of anxiety and panic.  It's so odd how it works, so complex yet so simple.  It's amazing how fast you can talk yourself into a panic attack, and just like that, it's gone just as fast. The problem is, without medical help for most people, the panic gets worse the longer you wait, gets easier and easier to go into full blown panic for more and more things, quicker, they will last longer and make it harder to overcome, sleep becomes far and between.

Anyway, 10 years of hell, and a year and half of recovery so far, and growing with every day, and all it took was one trip to the hospital, and determination that I wasn't leaving until I got the help I needed, and a course of follow up action to keep anxiety and panic further out of reach each day there after.  Every day is no longer a struggle anymore, sure panic jumps in now and then, but as quick as it comes it goes away.

It won't kill you! Might feel like it though.....

Yeah anxiety and the related issues with it, especially agoraphobia, is so debilitating that it can feel like you are slowly dying most the time until a nasty panic attack hits you, then you are certain you are going to die, right then and there,  but apparently it doesn't I'm still here,  I think?  Once you get forced indoors due to agoraphobia, you are backing yourself into such a small world that eventually you will be scared of doing anything at all, you can try to get into routines that helps for awhile, but soon, anxiety grabs a hold of those and makes you constantly change who and what you are.

As I spoke yesterday about my new friend who is in the aggressive state of anxiety, panic and agoraphobia,  I sympathize so much for her, and remember for myself the pain and anguish I went through, and what I put those around me through.  If you don't have panic yourself, you just can't imagine the pain and suffering it's like, and when you feel like everyone is against you, telling you to "just snap out of it"  it hurts, it's simply not that easy, especially when you get into the agoraphobia stages of being basically scared to death of the outdoors anymore.  For me that was enough to not want to live anymore.  I couldn't hunt, fish, hike, bike, not a damn thing I grew up worshiping doing.

So, when my new friend tells me she lives 1 mile from a hospital, oh boy has that struck home.  As I've written before in early blogs, It took me 2 visits to the hospital about 8 years apart in time to fix my issues.  The first time was in the ambulance, and I couldn't follow through with appointments after I got home, mainly because I just didn't have enough of the medications I'm on now to get me well enough to brave the trips.

The 2nd visit, I lived only 1 mile from the hospital.  Seems like karma here.  But I was in such a dark desperate place, I had simply no choice any more.  I can't even explain again, just how bad it was, in winter I had to go outside in shorts with no shoes and stand in the snow until the pain was so bad it got the anxiety to go away for a matter of minutes, yes minutes only, I was in total terror everyday for about 2 months.....  SO,  that was IT, I told Jeanne, I don't care if it kills me I'm going to the hospital right now,  of course I knew it wouldn't kill me, I've been through everything that could be thrown at me already, a 60 second car ride is NOT going to kill me, and I'm going to a place that, well, what better place to go than a hospital?  Whatever you got they can help you,  I wasn't worried about freaking out, or going nuts, I was GOING to get help and was not leaving until I got what I knew what would help me.

And that's what I did.

There is always hope.....

Part of the reason I started this blog is in hopes I'd reach others with the same issues I have, and hopefully be there for them if they needed help, or just so they know they aren't alone, because this disease seems to alienate you from the rest of the world at times, and you know family and friends support to get through the tough times. And most times like others out there, you basically need to have a baby sitter around for yourself just to feel safe.  And that surely doesn't help your self esteem much.  But it's how the terrible world of anxiety and panic works.

Today, I was messaged by a beautiful young lady that had seen my blog and was seeking for answers and help from anywhere in the world it would possibly come from.  We became friends on Facebook,  and shortly after that we were on the phone together, discussing our stories of how anxiety, depressions, panic disorders and agoraphobia had taken over our lives.

I was and am SO excited for the opportunity to help her through her rough times as she's suffering the same things I went through, and of course still today have some issues, but I can actually live my life again now, and I want her to enjoy what I do now, due to taking a huge step and actually getting help.  That is the biggest fear of anxiety is actually getting help, especially if you are at the point that this young lady and I share in common,  we are and were in a very bad place, and didn't know how to get out of it.  Taking that step to actually get to the Doctor is so frightening, I personally put off that frightful ordeal so long, I just fell deeper and deeper into the prison in my mind.  The longer you dwell on your fears of going, the longer you make up excuses why you can't go, or won't go, the harder it is to walk out that door into the huge world that seems like it's putting the pressure of the world on you.