It won't kill you! Might feel like it though.....

Yeah anxiety and the related issues with it, especially agoraphobia, is so debilitating that it can feel like you are slowly dying most the time until a nasty panic attack hits you, then you are certain you are going to die, right then and there,  but apparently it doesn't I'm still here,  I think?  Once you get forced indoors due to agoraphobia, you are backing yourself into such a small world that eventually you will be scared of doing anything at all, you can try to get into routines that helps for awhile, but soon, anxiety grabs a hold of those and makes you constantly change who and what you are.

As I spoke yesterday about my new friend who is in the aggressive state of anxiety, panic and agoraphobia,  I sympathize so much for her, and remember for myself the pain and anguish I went through, and what I put those around me through.  If you don't have panic yourself, you just can't imagine the pain and suffering it's like, and when you feel like everyone is against you, telling you to "just snap out of it"  it hurts, it's simply not that easy, especially when you get into the agoraphobia stages of being basically scared to death of the outdoors anymore.  For me that was enough to not want to live anymore.  I couldn't hunt, fish, hike, bike, not a damn thing I grew up worshiping doing.

So, when my new friend tells me she lives 1 mile from a hospital, oh boy has that struck home.  As I've written before in early blogs, It took me 2 visits to the hospital about 8 years apart in time to fix my issues.  The first time was in the ambulance, and I couldn't follow through with appointments after I got home, mainly because I just didn't have enough of the medications I'm on now to get me well enough to brave the trips.

The 2nd visit, I lived only 1 mile from the hospital.  Seems like karma here.  But I was in such a dark desperate place, I had simply no choice any more.  I can't even explain again, just how bad it was, in winter I had to go outside in shorts with no shoes and stand in the snow until the pain was so bad it got the anxiety to go away for a matter of minutes, yes minutes only, I was in total terror everyday for about 2 months.....  SO,  that was IT, I told Jeanne, I don't care if it kills me I'm going to the hospital right now,  of course I knew it wouldn't kill me, I've been through everything that could be thrown at me already, a 60 second car ride is NOT going to kill me, and I'm going to a place that, well, what better place to go than a hospital?  Whatever you got they can help you,  I wasn't worried about freaking out, or going nuts, I was GOING to get help and was not leaving until I got what I knew what would help me.

And that's what I did.

There is always hope.....

Part of the reason I started this blog is in hopes I'd reach others with the same issues I have, and hopefully be there for them if they needed help, or just so they know they aren't alone, because this disease seems to alienate you from the rest of the world at times, and you know family and friends support to get through the tough times. And most times like others out there, you basically need to have a baby sitter around for yourself just to feel safe.  And that surely doesn't help your self esteem much.  But it's how the terrible world of anxiety and panic works.

Today, I was messaged by a beautiful young lady that had seen my blog and was seeking for answers and help from anywhere in the world it would possibly come from.  We became friends on Facebook,  and shortly after that we were on the phone together, discussing our stories of how anxiety, depressions, panic disorders and agoraphobia had taken over our lives.

I was and am SO excited for the opportunity to help her through her rough times as she's suffering the same things I went through, and of course still today have some issues, but I can actually live my life again now, and I want her to enjoy what I do now, due to taking a huge step and actually getting help.  That is the biggest fear of anxiety is actually getting help, especially if you are at the point that this young lady and I share in common,  we are and were in a very bad place, and didn't know how to get out of it.  Taking that step to actually get to the Doctor is so frightening, I personally put off that frightful ordeal so long, I just fell deeper and deeper into the prison in my mind.  The longer you dwell on your fears of going, the longer you make up excuses why you can't go, or won't go, the harder it is to walk out that door into the huge world that seems like it's putting the pressure of the world on you.

Time to Start blogging again. The Hunt chapter one:

Alright, yeah I've been inconsistent with blogging, and lot of people have actually asked when I was going to start again,  so, here's to my public followers, and thank you for reading.

Ok, I left off I believe a good month ago, our big trip back to Argyle and my first time hunting since 1996, this really is a great year for me, first time fishing in about 12 years, first time hunting since "96".  Things really are moving forward, not FAST by all means, still have occasional issues, but damn, I'm going hunting.  If you ask Jeanne, was driving her nuts, I was SO excited to get going, was ready to leave a week before season opened.

Well time had come, and we took off, the 3 of us on our next journey, Loki as excited as I it seemed, he was a nervous wreck worse than I.  And once again, great trip had no problems riding in the car whatsoever,  but Grandma wasn't going to be home yet, she was still in hospital in Darlington after her second successful hip replacement, so after morning hunt on Saturday we'd go see her in the hospital, that'll be another step for me, another new place to visit, well not knew, but since my anxiety is slowly getting worked on, everything is new to me after so long in my mental prison, like learning to walk all over again.

Stress stress stress

Well yeah, been awhile, October been just brutal month of constant running with really no pay off it seems.  Just stress and more of it.  So, without further introductions,  I guess i'll try to catch up where I left off.

Last time I posted was about 16 days ago, which seems like 2 years. The month started with Jeanne having to take her dad to milwaukee for his radiation treatments.  So, I'm home alone, which yeah big deal right?  Well she's gone from 3-5 hours, that's new for me over the past 10 years, so that raised stress levels way up, but surprisingly didn't really effect my anxiety, in the past that would of driven me into a frenzy, but I survived it, only lasted a couple weeks I guess.  What's funny about it,  her Dad would drive 30 minutes to Burlington to meet with Jeanne then have her drive using our gas, so he could save money.  So nice of him.  That's part of my stress I live around, it's little things

But, my main cause and concern, and yeah i'll get yelled at for posting I guess the issues I have with my mother-in-law, but if you don't want to read about it, don't read it here!  First of all she don't like men, so strike one on me, no she's married, seperated of course, just doesn't like guys, and most women the way it seems, unless she's trying to impress someone then you see a different person, soon as they are gone, back to same old same old.

This will take a bit to go through.

Coyotes are calling!

About a week since my last post, just haven't felt like writing, and that's not good for keeping my readers happy.  Sorry about that.  Felt fine, just been running around doing crap.  So, the trail camera I bought,  wasn't happy at first, but a lot was user error.  Too high placement, too low, tinker with settings.  One hint is don't put it on too small a tree, every breeze that blows you get 30 pictures, you get a big windy day you'll fill the camera up with 600 pictures of the wind blowing.  Been there, done that.

About 3 feet off the ground and sturdy attachment will get you what you want.  Which in my case after a week of tinkering was one morning dove flying by lol.  But, besides my interest in critters of all types, I'm using this as another thing for me to do to push myself and make myself walk further alone, and with Loki away from the house.  At first I kept moving the camera a little further away, but now I have a great spot about 300 yards or so from the house on a fence line.  I shouldn't be checking it everyday, due to getting my scent in the area too often.  But I look forward to the exercise and the unknowing what might of been captured.

Not ready to solo yet!

Been trying to push myself in different ways.  I stay on my regular medications which is supposed to just keep a certain level in your system, and it's the kind that doesn't impair you in any way.  And use a little less or none of my other meds that can be addicting, and do cause a bit of inpairment, not really noticable unless you take full dose, which is only 1 milligram, but it's kind of like having a couple drinks.  You feel relaxed.  But even in times of severe panic those pills only cut the suffering a bit.  They do work now when I have an attack, but I think at some point they are a bit of placebo.

Anyway, going for rides with Jeanne, if I know we aren't planning on long trips or store visits, I try to go without my relaxant meds.  Many times I take the bottle of meds with me in case, and that really is the placebo effect, sometimes I'm fine just a little jumpy.  And when I leave it at home, I tend to think about it, therefore more jumpy, so I'm trying to push myself to not NEED those meds, but right now since it's been 7 months already, but really not long compared to the nearly 11 years of going through the anxiety,  I'll be on all the meds a while longer consistently.

Packers, what is wrong with you!

Bad weekend for Wisconsin football geez.  We need a new defensive coordinator, time to say goodbye to Capers and promote Kevin Greene the linebackers coach,  and order a new pair of hands for Finley, "elite" tight end my butt.   And Badgers? wow you guys didn't look worth a crap, enough said.   We need a running game all the way around in Wisconsin apparently.

Anyway.  Waiting on the family to arrive, should be about a hour now, and last night the excitement of seeing them again had me a tad on the edge, couldn't sleep worth a crap, so i'm dead dog tired.   Speaking of dead dog,  coyotes keep picking away at Niko's grave site, and it's REALLY starting to piss me off.  All I have for weoponry is my longbow and a few arrows, have my 2 pistols from my law enforcement days but no ammo, need a long rifle to deal with the issue.  But before getting doctor help, I honestly didn't trust myself with any weopons around as bad as I was feeling with my anxiety.

But now, any thoughts like that are long gone.

Family coming to Visit!

Hunting season starts soon, so, that means Greg aka Dad, won't be seen much for about 2 months, SO, Grandma, Dad, and Aunt Linda going to come down and stay for the night.  Always good to see them, lifts my spirits up.  And they can see all the changes we did to our places with the new paint, and a few added items.  And of course Grandma can't come without bringing have the grocery store with her geez.  Can't even remember everything she's bringing,  but I did here 2 racks of RIBS!! After that the rest was kind of lost hehe.

So, that'll be fun, they are coming on Monday.  This past week, we took Loki into the vet again, his ears and nose, and his right eyelid still having a lot of redness, some swelling, and lots and lots of itching.  This time the vet gaves us some cream to put on it, and within 2 days he's already looking like he's almost back to normal.  We still don't know what in the heck it is,  we're all guessing allergies the way it looked.  But did the allergies go away with the rain or did the medications and lotion work.  pfft don't know.

Final Day and heading home!

Last day on the farm, not sure if I'm ready to go back or not, but pretty sure other home would fall apart without Jeanne and I there,  grass will be 2 feet tall, hopefully someone fed the kids!!
Got up nice and early, beautiful almost chilly nights sleep, what a change from the heat,  did the morning Loki saying hello ritual to Grandma and Linda, then outside for a little walk and the potty dance, and chased a few grasshoppers around,  Loki's new favorite toy.

Another big breakfast and then Dad stopped up early,  I mentioned seeing some old pictures and talking about family, and family history, so I dug around in the attic and a couple other spots I still remembered Grandma usually kept keepsakes, and sure enough we spent probably the next 3 hours with our noses buried in family history.  What a joy that was, and pictures that were dating back to the 1860's of our family, Wow that was fun.  Spent so long at it almost forgot about lunch, which we dug into once again, then right back to a new "old" box of photos.  Going back to my dad's dad, dad, errr whatever that is hehe. 

It's time for change

I'd reach so far into hell, I couldn't stand it, alcohol was gonna kill me before anything else would, I was tired of having to feel the need to reach for the bottle just to feel human. For the next week I pondered how to get a whole 3 miles to the hospital for help. 3 miles at this point seemed like it might as well been the moon, and getting there on a kite.

A lot of crying, depression and worry over that week the time had come where I just couldn't handle it, it had to be done now.

After a lot of second guessing on the dreadful day I made my choice to get in the car, the time was there, and we just said LET"S GO NOW! Piled in the car and headed up the road. I tell you, it was an interesting 3 minute and 30 second ride to the Emergency room. Lot of coughing, kicking and screaming like a little kid, scared out of his whits just for a 3 minute ride.

Worse and worse

Winter was breaking now in early 2012, hadn't been easy except very light winter. My anxiety was getting worse and worse, I'd wake up every morning and panic attacks would start for no reason, and they'd last most of the day, everyday. They weren't always real bad, but they'd stay constant on a scale of about 3/10  and go up to about 8/10.

Only way I could sleep is 4 drinks at night at least, and wasn't get a lot of sleep at all. I'd awaken the next day due to probably too much booze the night before and just feel rotten, either from alcohol or anxiety didn't matter they were now mixed together, and the mix was bad.