The hunt continues!

And I must say it isn't going well.  But I am getting worn out quick.  Thing is, trying to hunt only out of tree stands, and it's really rough on me, I can relax to a point, as long as I can hang on to something but that makes it hard to shoot, I don't know if it's just fear or it's something to do with my medication also? I just don't know, but some of the stands just aren't easy to sit in.  But it's really wearing me out, it's constant adrenaline pushing through me the entire stand time no matter what, let alone when a deer starts to come him, your heart starts pounding a bit more on top of everything else.

No matter how little or big a deer is, when they come in, the excitement or more so the enjoyment of seeing them coming in so close is always there, why it's so much fun.  And work.  But having to stay so still, and move so slow and quiet, that wears on you with your adrenaline pushing through.  I'm about all in by the time I get done with hunting each time, takes me a while to calm down when I get back home.

Then Dr. Lance G hits a huge body nice buck, with his stone tipped arrow, so we have to miss the Packer game to help him trail his buck over by Brodhead,  got to bed at 2 am. that hurt, didn't hunt that morning hehe.  But was so nice to help Lance find his great buck!  That's the only thing I'd miss watching a packer game for!

But it's been non stop goin going gone.  Dragging deer out, getting up early, going to bed late, and now time change is coming up soon, which will screw us up more and more.  Get up at 4 am yuck.  And this week we'll have 5 or 6 more people staying at Dad's so it's going to be a madhouse non stop, and other friend hunters stopping in, no rest for the weary I guess.  Feel like the walking dead, I guess I'm glad it's not in the Rockies going up and down those hills!

Revenge on one deer!

The deer hunt continues, and they are moving around, but so much corn yet, they mostly aren't coming out til after dark. But a couple nights ago, I no longer got into stand and here comes a little buck, tiny one, spike on one side and forked points on the other, nice size deer, but just not what I want, at least not right at this moment.

Well he fed through and back into the corn he went 20 yards away and slipped out of sight. And I'm finally braving sitting up in the deer stands, I'm not comfortable but I'm making It through the day and night stands  without having to get out for a while so I can breathe again.  But anyway, another 15 minutes passed and here comes another buck, and he's a MONSTER!!  Nice body deer, but little spikes on the little guy, I videoed him for 6 minutes, and I kept grunting him back in and again right under my stand, it was not yet his time to end up in the freezer.

While the little buck still looking for the grunt origin, here comes a big doe from the other direction, and I'm turned the wrong way to shoot her and I want here badly!  She was clueless coming in, had no idea I was there, but I had to turn around completely to shoot her, and while turning as quiet as I can, my boot clipped part of the stand and clanged, and off she went, and I was NOT happy to say the least, would of been a 10 yard easy shot.

So my frustrations just turned to that poor little buck that was still around and looking for whatever was grunting at him, and I let out another series of grunts, and here he comes again, just to my east 7 yards, as I drew back my Longbow he came into a perfect shooting lane,  I decided it's time for some meat and let fly, the arrow struck true, easily a lung hit, as he crashed through the brush to the east.

Thor made it through!! But he's 5 pounds lighter!

Well, Thor made it through his "procedure" but due to the loss of his manhood he's a good 5 pounds lighter I swear, he "was" a well built pup.  Poor little guy, I was so sick to my stomach all day, then seeing the whining drunk puppy staring at me through the cage didn't help me any.  And apparently he wasn't any too happy with the two ladies at the vets office, he wouldn't let them anywhere near him. But the vet who did the surgery he had no trouble with, go figure.

Anyway, heart kind of sinks as I led him out of the vet's office as he staggered around like a drunkard, then he kept forgetting what he was doing when he had to go potty.  Lift his leg and just stand there dopey eyed.  Then of course he wanted to jump up in the truck, didn't really want him to do that, but think he'd listen?  Nope.  Whining off and on all night, would hardly sleep, just laid in secure spots and stared blankly off into space. Could hardly get a tail wag out of the little guy.

Loki was even bringing his prized toys and dropping them right by Thor off and on all night.  "here buddy, this will help, they did this to me also".

The next morning however,  GAME ON! He was raring to go and back to normal trouble causing little turd. Wanted to run all over jumping and playing like mad, me chasing him trying to get the little guy to calm down and not rip out his stitches.  Had to send him back to Burlington with Jeanne in hopes of him calming down without Loki and I to play with for a few days.

Apparently that's not going so well either hehe.  He's not used to being away from me at all. And misses Loki quite a bit also when they are apart.

Poor Thor!

My poor little puppy went in to the vet today to get his manhood chopped off.  Almost eight months old, I feel so bad for him, had a stomach ache all day worrying about him.  He could tell something was up, he didn't want to go into the vet's office at all, and just loved having me try to put him in the cage to await his manhood demise.  I had to get out of there, he was so scared and nothing I am gonna be able to do for him now, I'm sure he was and is going to feel worse than I do for him, but at the time and now it doesn't feel like it. Poor baby.  I mean Thor not me.

I even took a picture to remember him by.

Yes I know I'm not right in the head, deal with it!! hehe.

Have to move on from that instead of dwelling on it. Oh yeah forgot, ate in a restaurant for the first time since my major panic attack trying to eat at one in the Dells.  And came through with no issues at all, and stuffed my little belly full.  Nice to have small victories in the battle now and then.

Loki right now also seems to be a bit, well not sure, he seems almost happy that Thor isn't here to pick on him, but at same time he's wondering where his buddy is.  When we came out of the vet's office, he looked at me like "umm dad you forgot something,  right?"  He kind of watched the office out of the back window as we drove off, but doesn't take him long to figure out what's going on. "dad you did that to me once, and I will never forget".  *chomp*.

Been steadily deer hunting in the ever growing colder temperatures,  windy and cold. But the deer are slowly starting to get into their breeding season.  Dad and I sat in a ground blind together last night on one of our food plots.  Winds were howling at about 20 mph, I figured we wouldn't see a darn thing, but we ended up seeing a doe and fawn within 15 minutes, and saw a deer coming from a different direction the entire time we were on stand.  Ended up being an odd and wild night of hunting.

Feels like winter coming!

Leaves turned quickly and are falling like rain, cold windy and rainy out, only thing this temperature is good for is HUNTING!! Thank God I can do that again, every day I feel so lucky to be able to be out and be able to hunt again, especially without having to have a babysitter.   And Jeanne is thankful that I don't need her to baby sit me constantly. 

As much as I loved hunting and fishing, that is what I've missed the most in my long struggle is that ability to do it whenever I wanted to, and have that taken away from me was so hard.  Now I can actually have a resemblance of normalcy back into why crazy world. 

On a different note. My Grandma had a nice birthday party for Amber and Dan's youngest today, her first birthday!  Nice time getting to see them as well as getting to chat with Phil and Jill again, really enjoy listening to their stories and my Dad just loves them do death.  Hopefully can get to see them more often. Good friends, good health good times.  And of course I have to play the creepy older step-brother to Amber which I know she adores.

So, we gained a few extra unwanted pounds, now back down to Dad's house and I'm putting up some patchwork insulation in my pop up camper so I don't freeze my tootsies off as the weather drops again tonight into the low 30's.  Last night was all right.  It does have a propane furnace which works well enough.  Installed smoke detector and carbon monoxide testers,  but I won't have the luxury of that heater if we camp this time of year where there is no electricity, so I'm trying to get by without using that.  Using emergency blankets to cover the windows, blankets to section off both pop up bed sections, layering on another set of blankets on top and under the sleeping bags.  

It's windy and cold out now, and was nice and toasty warm, but not 30 degree "warm" so we'll see how tonight goes :).

Ok, hunting. again I know right?  I'll keep it simple, sat in a ground blind, saw an enormous doe and her fawn again, but they just don't like coming anywhere near our blind.  Have to rethink that location of the blind I believe.

Moving on for now. Did dream I shot an African Lion and a doe last night on the farm, which I thought was odd?  And was dreaming I was back selling real estate again.  I really miss that job, loved it.  Felt horrible having to basically call in "sick" to my manager one late night, and say I just couldn't continue on because of this anxiety crap.  My living was gone. I missed 3 years of the best real estate buying and selling there ever was and probably ever will be again. 

Oh Doctor Doctor!

Happened to think of a few more things the doctor had told me.  Found interesting and made a lot of sense and made things a little more clear for me.  Of course the part I wasn't real happy with was the fact that it could take all of the 10 years I lost to this wonderful issue to regain complete control of my life again,  or it may take longer, or sooner, It's a crapshoot at best.  But one of the things was he said, that anxiety and panic are one of the most painful "diseases" for lack of a better word, that there is.  It has no real symptoms per say.  It's the invisible pain, no one can see it.

The example he based on similar like for like, is depression, you can see a lot in people when they suffer depression, the signs are very evident if you look.  The sulking, the lack of get up and go, hanging your head, no interest in things anymore, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere, and he mentioned that those issues can usually receive empathy and compassion from people, consoling and trying to help them.  With anxiety, no one can see it, even though MY brain in particular at times feels like it's bouncing from one side of my skull to another, and feel as though I'm going to jump out of my skin, the outward signs nearly all the time aren't there, but I'm ready to go through the roof.

So, even though I look as though I'm right as rain, I maybe very well going through hell, and have learned to kind of hide or disguise it, because a panic attack to me especially in public can be embarrassing, especially a full blown one which I've had in public. Several times.  So that was interesting, and the other fact he put forth on that is that most people will just say "don't think about it" meaning put it out of your mind, it's all in your head.  oh boy yeah no kidding.  Just that easy, snap my fingers wiggle my nose and *poof* all gone.

Problem with that is, in my case after 10 years of hell, I have so many pathways in my brain that have been altered by course of nature and learning that every thought I have leads to panic, I have to relearn and rebuild new pathways so there isn't fear at every turn.  And that's medically proven.

So, "don't think about it", "get it out of your mind", doesn't apply, and cannot apply until those pathways are formed again, so that which is causing the panic right now is no longer a fear.

Tornado! Nah not really

OK, what's new?  I tell you what, for once not a heck of a lot.  I know Amber will be disappointed
but I'll just have to ramble through this one and hope for the best!

Had my Doctor appointment after 6 months away from the shrink.  Was actually good to get back and talk with him, the last 6 months have been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs and new and different stresses.  I guess first off, can tell that I have been drinking occasionally,  blood pressure was "way up" from 6 months ago.  110/72  which is still very very good, and pulse rate 72 which is down for me, mine tends to run higher than I like, but still under the "average".

My weight is growing nicely.  I say that with a smirk, because 194 is NOT where I want to be that's about 12 unwanted and unneeded and unloved poundage that I just hate having hehe.  Well Doctor said, it's been quite a joy really seeing how far I've come since I first started seeing him.  And reminded me any "new" stresses introduced will probably risk a trigger of some panic attacks, meaning any new things I try to do, and to try to keep to a normal schedule, especially sleeping and eating, and lay off the booze!!! Well he said I could have one now and then, but that Jeanne was supposed to call him if I start to tip the glass too often.  And I agreed that she should tattle on me if I abused the stuff.

But reminding me of normal sleep patterns and the like, was a reminder to myself that I can't push beyond my means until I can handle it, and I keep having reminders when I go to far.  Wisconsin Dells, I had a bad one up there, due to drinking,  car trouble,  doing a ton of things I'm not used to, added a lot of stress, and finally built up.

Deer hunting, when I had a bad panic attack while in a tree, which is never good for sure, but there was added stress building up to that as well, but mainly just being up in that tree wasn't where I should be.  Doc also kind of reminded me, it took 10 years of my life to build up a lot of issues in my nerves in my brain that were out of line due to all the panic, and it very well could take all of that time again to get back to where I was.

Wow, talk about anxiety!

If my 7 month old pup Thor could understand English, and knew he was about to have his nuts taken from him, I'm sure he'd feel like I do while I'm up in a tree.  Really don't want to have him nutted,  but Loki is doing great since his were done no change to his personality or anything else at all. So I guess.  *sigh*.

On subject of anxiety, well I guess that's what the blog is called after all, but holy cow did I have a rough time in deer stand the other night.  First off getting into the tree, it doesn't have a stand, it's an old huge tree that is dead and most the branches have fallen and broken off and are laying down in every direction somewhat attached to the main tree trunk yet, which is about 13-15 feet tall.  But to get into the spot where you sit and wait for the wily deer, you have to crawl up one of the old branches that is kind of hanging on yet.

Well I got about 8 feet off the ground and there is no bark left on the branch so it's a tad slippery, and of course footing slipped and down I went chins first scraping all the way with the battle wounds to show for it along with bruises.  Off to a great start to the nights hunt. That got my heart pounding nicely, didn't scare me, didn't work me up, but I guess adrenaline was rushing through just enough, I made it into the stand finally anyway.  But it wasn't long and the old nerves come knocking at my door pretty quickly.   Never seen one of my "episodes", so I tried to record myself with my camera, of course had to whisper, no clue if it turned out, but wanted to see if it would help me get my mind off my "issues"..   Didn't work.

Beautiful Night To Be Out

Well, after not feeling the greatest for a few days, really starting to feel good again, haven't drank any booze for three days, so that should tell you something.  I guess I have to be on the wagon forever.  But, for the price of feeling good and not having the lingering issues that come with booze, I guess I'll take it.

But what a beautiful night to be out in the woods.

Ok time for a new blog!

Been running around here and there, been dealing with a horribly infected tooth, have a good deal of excuses to haven't gotten a new blog out recently.  then Amber has her 3 kids here who are all getting or have the flu and colds, so I'm looking forward to see if we get the illness.  But in the meantime, we move on right?

So, been hunting every night, trying like heck to get up in tree stands to get over my fears in that avenue.  Win some lose some so far.  I can seem to get up in trees without stands "OK" but not great, but the man-made ladder stands so far has been a real issue for me.  If one has plenty of tree branches close by I feel safer, like I can grab them if something happens.  I tend to start getting dizzy and feel like I'm going to be launched out of the darn tree. But a lot of the stands don't have much for branches anywhere or around or it's just small tiny branches with leaves and that's it, and I can tell, soon as I get up in them, my world starts spinning and I gotta get out of there fast.

But I've managed to get up in a few stands and last the night, so It's getting better, but It's not comfortable at all, at least until it gets close to end of season, gets a little darker out, the world seems smaller I guess, and apparently that still affects me how the world appears to me and makes it more comfortable.  Plus that's when most the bucks start moving, so I have more to keep my mind occupied on something else and tend to not dwell on my issues.  Otherwise I'm hyperventilating and shaking the whole night.  Not fun at all.

Amber whined so, new blog post!

Sometimes I hate this laptop.  Had a whole blog written last night and accidentally hit the touch pad which apparently and occasionally highlights the entire post and deletes everything, oh well, shall try this again.

Anyway, I recall talking about hunting again, but I'll shorten it up some.  Been going out almost every night, just makes me feel so good to BE ABLE to go out on my own and do it.   Last night didn't work out the greatest, didn't see much of anything but turkeys and as I usually don't even take my medication with me hunting anymore, I was glad I did last night, was feeling like crap, wasn't even up in a tree, and just wasn't feeling good at all.  Oh well I survived.

However, I have two teeth giving out on me, that kept me up until 4 am this morning, and that makes life just so wonderful.  Could not get to sleep, I gave up and had a drink which knocked me out in about 30 minutes, I didn't want to, I want to completely give up any taste of the booze but I like the stuff, but it does not mix with me well anymore, it sets off anxiety, and with any meds in my system It is really not healthy.  Apparently I have an addictive personality, no I don't mean others can't do without me, we know that isn't true, I just tend to get addicted to, well tobacco and liquor.  I even completely taped up the entire bottle of booze with duct tape to ward off some of the spur of the moment temptations.  Well it worked for a bit.  But darnit didn't work long.  Booze just seems to suck life out of you, makes you not give a crap, saps your energy to get up and go, sure curbs the creative thinking.  I could go on and on, but that's my perspective.  Going without touching it for over a year, my eyes were opened a great deal how much you can accomplish without it.

Sadly I figured out I wouldn't die taking a drink while also on my medications, it may shorten it, which scares me, but apparently not enough.  Do I need help?  Well not professional, just a nudge to stop when I get the urge.

Just another odd day after odd day

Alright, so I was having "issues" mowing lawn again, well that was great and all, so Jeanne took over for awhile and mowed so I could relax my brain for a bit, it apparently is still there.  She wasn't out too long, before the mower "died" due to driver malfunction...... ran over a dog tie out we "both" had not accounted for in the mowing process, therefore wrapping it tightly in the undercarriage of the mower and around the blades tightly enough that the incredible hulk gave up on the removal process.

Another day in paradise?  So, after tinkering with that for a hour, decided I'd have to drop the mower deck,,, , *cough* tomorrow,  and rectify that issue.  In the meantime, my neighbor and his wife who are elderly and can't really get out to do the outside work, and some inside work, I mow for them and other odds and ends.   They were gone for the day, figured might as well do the mowing so I don't disturb them as much when mowing.  It's about 4.5 hours worth of mowing,  yeah great...... A hour into it, the deck starts smoking plumes of white smoke, oh boy.... belt.  Shut down fast, lift up the deck, make sure there is no fire, because I'm no where any water and I don't have to pee.

Anyway, it's a no-turn radius mower, decks in front you run it with those two hand push pull levers.  Not that it matters, but I was not aware that this mower's deck up front loves to fill up with whatever it runs over quickly.  That baby was full of sticks and walnuts, apples you freaking name it,  well no wonder it was smoking, had enough crap in there to back an apple pie with crushed walnuts and a smoky flavor with hickory sticks.  Well, the belts shot, by looks of it, it wasn't long for this world anyway, but I didn't help matters.  Two mowers in one day, and not much to show for.  Neighbor had given me a number for his repair guy before they left.  Either he's telepathic, or a genius, but whatever repair came the next day.  I was having enough anxiety issues anyway, so whatever. moving on.