What's new?

Well, not a ton of news, love the new Dodge, thinking of getting FORD decals for it, so I don't feel quite as odd driving it. last 4 vehicles have been Fords, grew up with Fords. Oh well, nobody will recognize me in a Dodge, I guess that's something eh?  The thing is bright red, that'll surely go unnoticed as well.  Maybe I will spray paint it camouflage or all black. That should up the value.

Anyway, not great on gas, it is a beast of a vehicle. Room of a minivan inside, tons of storage space and can tow a whole lot more than our Escape did.  Which we will hopefully need.

Ok, on to the hunt!  Some may recall last fall, I went gun hunting for deer for also the first time in at least 15 years, and needed a baby sitter next to me opening day, and slowly after that no longer needed someone right by me, but nearly within screaming range, or at least by phone and quick rescue by Coast Guard!  This is a two part story I guess.... Now I rarely even take my medicine in with me for that "just in case I really feel rotten" times.   So, I am progressing with that, taking away my crutch having my meds is a big step for me and no longer needing anymore remotely close is also a great upswing.

Also, last fall I was totally unable to get in a tree stand of any sort off the ground. Well shouldn't say that, I got in one very easy, and was ready to launch myself right back out face first I got such a panic attack so quickly, I hung on to the top rung the rest of the night shaking, but did not want to give in and go all the way to the ground and let another fear rule of me.

So, this year bow-hunting, it's so much better to be up in the air, can see game coming, they can't see you as easy, and so on and on and on.  So, I am determined to win that battle, and have had some success.  First couple nights I looked up at that stand, and just shook my head and said the heck with it,  right now I am just happy being able to hunt on my own and not have to be concerned about help, or taking medicine to get by.  A  couple of nights I stood in the stand for a little THEN I felt like screaming and launching myself out.

So, tried a different approach, I started climbing just up in trees without stands,  I only got up to 12 or 13 feet, which is better than a kick in the butt, and had no trouble at all.  So I progressed with that approach, and finally got up in a "man-made" stand the other night,  and sweated and shook and hyperventilated all night, but I made it through 2.5 hours of it.  So, it starts, next time maybe it will be easier, maybe not.  Everything new is a fight with anxiety,  and everything you don't do on a regular basis becomes a struggle again.  Like lawn mowing.  I got to the point this summer when I was so comfortable on one again I almost fell asleep several times.  Now it's been close to a month since I have had to be on one, or couldn't be due to rain or whatever.  Today was a struggle again.  Was having immediate anxiety problems trying to cut down the hayfield of a front yard.

Ok, New truck, life slightly back to normal?

Alright, so life getting slowly back to normal I guess, fast and furious search to replace our broken up Ford Escape by that nasty little deer has come to a speedy conclusion already.  Faster than I really thought it would, I was being very picky.  Was looking for another Ford, that's all I've ever liked or had.  But when you see a price tag at a dealership for 12,000 bucks on 100,000 miles on 2004 models ?? I don't think so.  But I used the time to play with the salespeople to see what kind of prices I could get them down to.  Little surprising how overpriced the dealers have them at apparently.  So, playing with salespeople got to be fun, got 12000 down to 7900 pretty quickly.

But that wasn't even the price what it was worth. So, more calling more dickering on prices, until I got kind of talked into a Dodge Durango.  83,000 miles for one heck of a price.  I might even sell it for what it's really worth I got such a good deal on it.  I even test drove it, and really amazed at how great that SUV feels.  2006 model , v-8 4.7 liter engine, the thing roars, looks good and feels like a tank and drives like a Mercedes.  Within reason anyway but you get my point.

No internet? You kidding ME?

After a week of just poor bewilderment and just chaos, top it off with two days without internet or cable TV?  COME ON!!  What doesn't kill you will make you stronger?  Well I tell you, at this point in life not sure anything else will bother me.

First of course the deer wrecking my truck.  Then find out it's nearly $5000 to fix it?  Then the wonderful insurance adjuster as wonderful and fair as they are, says vehicle is only worth 200 dollars UNDER the damage estimate??? Not sure how that's really possible, but whatever! And kelley blue book said my vehicle 7 months ago was worth nearly 2200 dollars more than it is now?

Life is not fair at times I swear.  Then of course I had to ask what vehicles this guy is comparing to. I get the "short" list of comparables.  So, I get on the phone and check out these "comparable"... One is at 4400 bucks, sure, yep it's almost identical, except he left out the part where it needs 1500 dollars worth of repairs.  A few more calls led me to believe, I'm not getting a real fair deal here, and there isn't going to one one dang thing I can do about it.  He's already said, and immediately he had said it's considered "totaled".   So the comparables, are if my vehicle was in working condition prior to the accident.

So, I call him on these comparable,  and after going through the list, and explain his errors, yes kindly.  He says, ok fine,  it's now worth 6500 and now we won't consider it totaled.  What the hell is this guy smoking?  What a scam they run, good lord.

Interesting few days

                                                       The poor truck.

Well, was all excited to go hunting, then of course I get the phone call from Jeanne that she hit a deer outside Janesville, and by the steam coming from the front of the truck, yeah well not good. Of course that upset me a great deal, yeah should of asked if she was ok, but, like a "guy" was more concerned apparently for my vehicle (hey she wouldn't of called if she wasn't ok) so, I guess it was presumed.  But all I saw was dollar signs shooting out the billfold.  Good insurance yeah, but still a big pain in the ass. And my poor Ford Escape.  Now I get to wonder if the damage is enough that they will want to just "total" it, and hope I don't get screwed with insurance payout.

So, anyway, that of course sent my anxiety into it's own little overdrive, wasn't bad, but no way I was going to be able to drive over there to pick her up, or even ride along at this point.  So Grandma and Aunt Linda to the rescue!  They didn't get to Argyle until about 12:15 am.  In the meantime I was making phone calls to insurance agent to leave a message, I took care of calling the police and setting up all that crap.  Jeanne was a tad upset when she called, so spent the time calming her down,  I gave her little things to do at the time, to get her mind off it, didn't seem to take long.

Had her check on the deer, to see if it was hurting or dead, that took some prodding to do, have to tap on it's eyeball to see if there was any reaction, she apparently wasn't too thrilled about doing that,  finally achieved that and there was no reaction, so the deer didn't suffer at all, was dead on impact.  as apparent with the damage to the poor Ford.  Was hoping to keep the deer, but with that kind of hit on it, wasn't much meet left to be preserved.
                                                         
                                 the accident scene can see 1 small left over piece of the truck

Heck with it, I am crazy, everyone else is.....

Well, Dad is off on his hunting trip for Elk in Colorado, and I'm all alone with my pup Thor, he's good company I guess, but not much for conversation.  Already lonely and feeling stressed, kinda dumb but that's my life.  Guess I just deal with it.  Fixed my chainsaw, going to cut up some wood today, actually tomorrow probably, supposed to be beautiful and much cooler out.  Set up my painting easel and paints, canvas ready to begin,  the enthusiasm for actually painting hopefully will come with it, but not so far.

And can you imagine?  Sent a picture of me "mooning" the camera and got called "rude"  LOL, me?? nevvver.  Oh well I laughed,  does that count??

Was hoping to enjoy a day and night without someone around, but not so sure now.  And I really hate sleeping alone,  dog sleeps UNDER the bed, and my dad isn't much help in that category either, no he doesn't sleep under the bed, as far as I know, he's odd but maybe not that odd.  And he surely doesn't sleep in MY bed!!

Two days until opening of bow season, I'm actually excited!  Even though I'll probably only go 5 or 6 times until the rut starts,  but this will be my first bowhunting season in 16-17 years? maybe 18 even. SO yep, excited.  Hopefully get over another fear I've gotten of getting into actual tree stands, so far now it's ground hunting in blinds for me, will just have to do, but I hate not being able to see very far and see what's coming.

Also planning on working on boats and trailer I have acquired, and doing a little bit on my pop up camper, and maybe sleeping in for "finally" the first time maybe Friday night. But it's kind of in a "stored" location, not really ideal for camping behind 2 gas tanks, get to smell diesel fuel all night, whoooppeee.  And hearing 3 coon dogs bark close by all night sounds appealing as well.

I guess my lonely little bedroom in the house may sound a bit better.  Since I have no vehicle here to go anywhere with, or to hook up to the camper to move it right now.  Maybe i'll get to watch the NFL game tonight on TV!! Instead of Dad's constant bombardment of hunting, fishing and cooking shows!!  Yes I love to DO all three things, but I get so sick of the shows about them, drives me nuts, of course he knows this, and probably why he watches them nonstop.

Ok, going to get something accomplished today, I'll write more later.

Lance

OH no, I must be crazy!!

Oh no, the voices are back!!  Then I realized oh crap, I have my headphones on listening to a book, geez.  Nah just kidding, never heard voices, but here I am almost 3 in the morning, ideas running through my head, "no they aren't speaking to me".  Thinking, wow I say and do some really stupid things.  So why not write about them?

A lot of people say that when you have a panic attack "it's all in your head, just snap out of it", well yeah it is in my head, wish I could just pop it out lol.  But as I lay here typing away, I do think about what is "nuts".   At times going through horrible panic, I wondered, really am I losing it? Or had I never had it?  I look back at my grandparents, parents, cousin Matt and definitely his wife!!  My wonderful sister Amber is in a league of her own!.  Heck we're all nuts, just to what degree?  I believe we've got it under control in the nuts department.  We have fun, that's it, and the circle we're in with family and friends, to be honest, tend to get sucked into our own fantasy of insanity world, and it's quite humorous.

Like Grandpa Bob setting off quarter sticks of dynamite on tree stumps for fun, or the time when I was changing a light bulb for Grandma and he was sneaking up behind me while I was on the ladder with a firecracker in his hand, lighter in the other, just a giggling away.  Hell yeah my family is nuts!! And I love them for it. And miss terribly the ones that have passed. The stories will live on forever.

But that's a different kind of nuts, that's just family letting loose, I have endless stories that would make these ridiculous TV shows now a days beg for our script that is always ad-libbed and off the cuff, it is no act, it's just the way we are.  Take it or leave it.

But as I go through my healing process, I find myself wondering, what is really nuts?  In my estimation, it's doing things without comprehension that you are actually doing them.  therefore I take a breath and relax just a bit, I hope.  I joke way too much,  rarely serious unless the time calls for it, but during this "process" I'm going through, it seems to be my safeguard, a safe place that keeps my brain going constantly to ward off the anxiety that's always nipping at my heels.

I'm fully aware of the stupid voices I chatter with to get smiles on others, the wise cracks I make in the stores to total strangers and have them giggling down the aisles.  The constant practical jokes I pull on anyone and everyone.  Never once have I heard a voice in my head, unless like I said, forget the stupid head phones are on and you think, oh no!!!

Back at the Farm,,,, again.

                                My dear Grandma playing along with her goofy grandson.

Decided to come back a day early,  but we're here, back at the farm again. So nice being able to just pack up and go, and not worry about the drive, or getting in a vehicle whatsoever. Love it Love it love it.   So nice to be free again! 

Ok, moving on, not going to dwell on anxiety this time.  It's time for bow hunting darn it!!

Oh, and Happy Birthday to my mother today!!!  Promised her to paint her a picture, *sigh* to hot to paint, but I better get it done, maybe a polar bear, during a blizzard!,  (blank white canvas).  

That may not fly dunno.

Ok, so... my first time archery deer hunting in a long long time, looking forward to it, I still won't be real excited until the rutting season starts, but just being able to go without someone having to babysit me will be great, or have to have Jeanne sitting in the car in a reasonable distance away in case I freak out.  No worries anymore.

Holy cow, nobody has ever died from anxiety!

Did you know that?  Well according to a Google search on the matter at least, worldwide studies have shown that anxiety and panic attacks will not kill you!  Whew what a relief.  In my worst times, I wish it did kill me, because it sure as heck felt like it.

But when I finally reached the lowest depths I could, and decided now, now is the time, it must end, not my life, but the beginning of a new life a new world.  I was going to the hospital and that's it, I knew I would be scared to death going there, being there, but it's a hospital.  They know what to do for anxiety problems, sure It sucked waiting there, but life began again for me that night, I was reborn.  Thank god.

SO, I totally agree that no matter what is thrown at you with anxiety, it sure as heck won't kill you, no matter how bad it seems.

Wonderful cycle of anxiety and panic.  It's so odd how it works, so complex yet so simple.  It's amazing how fast you can talk yourself into a panic attack, and just like that, it's gone just as fast. The problem is, without medical help for most people, the panic gets worse the longer you wait, gets easier and easier to go into full blown panic for more and more things, quicker, they will last longer and make it harder to overcome, sleep becomes far and between.

Anyway, 10 years of hell, and a year and half of recovery so far, and growing with every day, and all it took was one trip to the hospital, and determination that I wasn't leaving until I got the help I needed, and a course of follow up action to keep anxiety and panic further out of reach each day there after.  Every day is no longer a struggle anymore, sure panic jumps in now and then, but as quick as it comes it goes away.

It won't kill you! Might feel like it though.....

Yeah anxiety and the related issues with it, especially agoraphobia, is so debilitating that it can feel like you are slowly dying most the time until a nasty panic attack hits you, then you are certain you are going to die, right then and there,  but apparently it doesn't I'm still here,  I think?  Once you get forced indoors due to agoraphobia, you are backing yourself into such a small world that eventually you will be scared of doing anything at all, you can try to get into routines that helps for awhile, but soon, anxiety grabs a hold of those and makes you constantly change who and what you are.

As I spoke yesterday about my new friend who is in the aggressive state of anxiety, panic and agoraphobia,  I sympathize so much for her, and remember for myself the pain and anguish I went through, and what I put those around me through.  If you don't have panic yourself, you just can't imagine the pain and suffering it's like, and when you feel like everyone is against you, telling you to "just snap out of it"  it hurts, it's simply not that easy, especially when you get into the agoraphobia stages of being basically scared to death of the outdoors anymore.  For me that was enough to not want to live anymore.  I couldn't hunt, fish, hike, bike, not a damn thing I grew up worshiping doing.

So, when my new friend tells me she lives 1 mile from a hospital, oh boy has that struck home.  As I've written before in early blogs, It took me 2 visits to the hospital about 8 years apart in time to fix my issues.  The first time was in the ambulance, and I couldn't follow through with appointments after I got home, mainly because I just didn't have enough of the medications I'm on now to get me well enough to brave the trips.

The 2nd visit, I lived only 1 mile from the hospital.  Seems like karma here.  But I was in such a dark desperate place, I had simply no choice any more.  I can't even explain again, just how bad it was, in winter I had to go outside in shorts with no shoes and stand in the snow until the pain was so bad it got the anxiety to go away for a matter of minutes, yes minutes only, I was in total terror everyday for about 2 months.....  SO,  that was IT, I told Jeanne, I don't care if it kills me I'm going to the hospital right now,  of course I knew it wouldn't kill me, I've been through everything that could be thrown at me already, a 60 second car ride is NOT going to kill me, and I'm going to a place that, well, what better place to go than a hospital?  Whatever you got they can help you,  I wasn't worried about freaking out, or going nuts, I was GOING to get help and was not leaving until I got what I knew what would help me.

And that's what I did.

There is always hope.....

Part of the reason I started this blog is in hopes I'd reach others with the same issues I have, and hopefully be there for them if they needed help, or just so they know they aren't alone, because this disease seems to alienate you from the rest of the world at times, and you know family and friends support to get through the tough times. And most times like others out there, you basically need to have a baby sitter around for yourself just to feel safe.  And that surely doesn't help your self esteem much.  But it's how the terrible world of anxiety and panic works.

Today, I was messaged by a beautiful young lady that had seen my blog and was seeking for answers and help from anywhere in the world it would possibly come from.  We became friends on Facebook,  and shortly after that we were on the phone together, discussing our stories of how anxiety, depressions, panic disorders and agoraphobia had taken over our lives.

I was and am SO excited for the opportunity to help her through her rough times as she's suffering the same things I went through, and of course still today have some issues, but I can actually live my life again now, and I want her to enjoy what I do now, due to taking a huge step and actually getting help.  That is the biggest fear of anxiety is actually getting help, especially if you are at the point that this young lady and I share in common,  we are and were in a very bad place, and didn't know how to get out of it.  Taking that step to actually get to the Doctor is so frightening, I personally put off that frightful ordeal so long, I just fell deeper and deeper into the prison in my mind.  The longer you dwell on your fears of going, the longer you make up excuses why you can't go, or won't go, the harder it is to walk out that door into the huge world that seems like it's putting the pressure of the world on you.

Once upon a time......

Felt good with my last post, needed to vent and get rid of some baggage that weighs me down.  Probably won't change a thing, but kind of helped airing my brain out.  Which is getting filled up with a lot of interesting new knowledge taking the Wisconsin Trapping Course to get a trapping license this year.  No clue why exactly, but it is quite interesting learning about all the fur-bearing critters out there.  Love learning new things.

But geez,  42 years young and I'm back to doing homework?  Really?  Oh well, maybe we'll see if my brain still functions or not.  We'll get back to you on that one, I know you''ll be on the edge of your seats wondering if I still have brain function yet.

Got back to work on the travel trailer, the thing is gutted of everything nailed, screwed, glued or tattooed down,  except the ceiling and walls, few things to deal with on floor yet, but really I could start laying down new flooring today, so I have something better to stand on than some plywood laid down on the supports below.  Maybe I will just park it outside of my old friend Jim Carter's house late at night, see if he magically fixes it up for me?  He does that sorta thing,  it's on my way to Argyle , in Brodhead, hmm, think he'd mind?

Actually looking forward to Burlington return

At this point, we have returned to Argyle, and settling in for the weekend, and we'll have to return Sunday, as my medication I take once a day will run out, and I really have to take that one. Need to talk to my doctor about it, because I don't think I need that particular one.  He has me on three of them,  one I take only as I think I need it, and it's an addictive one supposedly, since it's a narcotic called Lorazepam.  It calms your nerves basically.  But I'm well ahead on taking that mad, probably have a month and a half supply now, because I just don't take it very often, but good to have just in case I have issues like I did in the Dells.

But the one that supposedly isn't addictive, if I miss it for one day, I feel "strange" if I miss it for two days I normally have a pretty good panic attack.  Now,  is the drug really helping?  Or is my body withdrawing?  Or, well, I'll have to ask him I guess,  it's only a 75mg one called venlafaxine,  he had me on 150mg once, and holy crap, that wasn't good, took those for maybe 5 days and wanted to throw them in the river.  Horrible dreams with nasty nightmares, odd thoughts, etc etc.  Back to the 75mg and still wonder what exactly they are doing to me.

OK, anyway,  since my episode in the Dells, actually a couple, I just haven't been feeling like myself as I've got to know since I have been getting better.  Just couldn't get myself settled completely.  Really needed to get back to Burlington for a bit.  A lot of the pressure I think I was feeling, was just from going to the Dells in general.  A lot of new adventures I hadn't been ABLE to do for, well going on 12 years now.  So, I think it was  bit overwhelming altogether, and after that I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty directions at once.