The Hose has arrived

Well, we awoke hungry again, bright and early, dogs pottied and we had to decide to spend another good chunk of cash on another night in the hotel,  today we had planned on going home, but without my vehicle working properly, would be kind of tough,  we still had Jeanne's sister's vehicle, but if we took that home, I can't imagine they'd be too happy not having a ride to get home with on their own.

Checkout was supposed to be at 10:00 A.M.  it was about ten minutes to, and said the heck with it, might as well just stay another day,  we were supposed to hear about my truck by lunchtime, but if we didn't get the room by 10, who knows if you'd be stuck without a room, or end up paying 300 bucks for the only vacancy in town otherwise,  so, I made the call, asked for a repeat customer discount, which he at least gave me 15 percent off the third night.  Car guy hadn't called yet. *sigh*

Dad looking for some fun at Paul Bunyan's...

And off we went for breakfast.  This time it was at Paul Bunyan's.  Very good food, busy as all get out, and reasonable prices, and it's all you can eat.  Just don't look at ANYTHING in the gift shop, worst prices I've seen in the Dells for souvenirs.   Ridiculous prices.  But food was very good.  And they get you in and out of their fast, man they must rake in the bucks in that place.  Anywho.  We filled our bellies up for sure, and loaded up,  Jeanne was going to go play miniature golf since it was only 87 degrees today at 10:30 am.  So, was almost long underwear weather compared to the last 2 days, I wanted to take dad to the deer park,  and Jeanne dropped us off.

And We have returned from the Dells, billfold much lighter

We made it home!  Yeah there was some doubt in that actually happening.  But I'll go into that as I go through the trip, minute by minute,  since we were there 4 days, this could take a really really realllllly long time!!

And awwwayyyy we go.  Alright anyway, trip was really uneventful on the way,  besides that freaking black cat that ran in front of us on the way up,  that apparently we SHOULD have run over, no offense to those cat lovers and I'm superstitious,  I looked for him/her on the way back.  Of course no where to be found.  Beautiful drive on the way, love that area as you get near Mt. Horeb to the Dells.  All the bluffs, love em.  Go from relative flatness in Southeast Wisconsin and the sprawling suburbs and little farms, to Argyle,  farms all over and starts to get more hilly and green, to the Dells, which is beautiful.

Ok, moving on, like I say trip was smooth all the way to the chaos of the Dells.  Get into town, and right next to us to the left, a van smashes into the back of a car,  crunchhhh.  Trip off to a smashing start.  We continue on through Lake Delton/Wi. Dells North of town,  to find our now appearing to be elusive motel.  Just shy of the Canadian border we found it.  That became kind of a joke for us, we were really about 3 miles north of town at the Days End motel,  one of the few that had vacancies that allowed dogs of any size, so beggars can't be choosers right?  Anyway, was quiet place, with decent size and clean room.   But damn everything so expensive up there,  with the dogs apparently it sends the room prices well over where I liked.

And of course it was 97 degrees out, thank goodness for air conditioning!  Wow it was hot.  And each day was the same scorching heat.

To the Dells we go... tomorrow

Alright, so we headed to Argyle with our newly refurbished pop-up camper.  Of course we set it up once we got to Argyle to finalize a few things, and of course that lead to, well it wasn't completely done being refurbished, but oh well. it's close enough for now.  Will finish a few odds and ends that were overlooked a bit. Minor things at least.  The campers sure are neat, more or less just a step up from tent camping with your butts off the ground.  Tows great, nice and smooth, Jeanne was a nervous wreck for the 2 hour drive, but she's never had to tow anything before, so it was expected.

Probably didn't help that whenever she got comfortable, i'd say something like, hmm I think the tires may be going flat, or should it be swaying like that?   There was nothing wrong, but I'm kind of demented and like to give her a hard time hehe.

But anyway, it's up, it's cool, we like it and were going to take it all the way to the Dells this weekend with my Dad, Jeanne and I and the two dogs.  But once we looked at what the weather is going to be??  Mid-90's hot and humid maybe only 70's at night?  We think towing it another 2 hours north from Argyle, to be hot all day,  and maybe miserable at night, might just be worth a motel room for a couple nights until we get an air conditioner for the camper.

Fell asleep about 3:00 am this morning finally, had to take some of my meds I don't like to HAVE to take, but finally they worked, but at 5:45am I see these eyes posted below looking at me, about that far away, whining and a little kiss on my nose.. "daddy I gotta go potty".....

Odds and ends

OK,  where do we start today?  We finally got a little rain,  what an odd sight that was, of course not nearly enough, need a couple inches.  But i'm sure we got just enough for the grass to grow uncontrollably, cut the grass, and it'll turn brown again.  *sigh*.   Otherwise, work continues on the trailers, every time I touch either of them there seems to be a bit more to do than I first saw,  even the smaller pop up camper, which I hoped was done, seems to be a bit more and a bit more ready to be looked at.

But, we're going to give it a try anyway.  Towing it back to Argyle this Friday, then up to Wisconsin Dells area on Monday.  Jeanne's family is going up there on Sunday a total of around 14 people going to be there not including Jeanne and I and the mutts.  So, we're going to go say hello for a day and camp up there for 2-3 days in that area.  Will be interesting and probably hot and humid.  But it will be during the week, so hopefully not crazy busy with tourists.

Probably going to park at Mirror Lake State Park, never been there that I recall, would like to see if there is anything there worth seeing.  Deciding if we want to find a nice kennel for one day for the dogs that pamper them, worries me leaving them anywhere with strangers.  Would be nice to go and enjoy a day but I think i'll be thinking and worrying about the boys the whole time.

Anyways.  I've found out that having a drink or two at night, is fun and all, but I sure don't feel like doing anything but sitting and staring off into space,  I slept like a baby the last 2 nights, but even though it's only two drinks I wasn't drunk or even feeling it, I sure feel like absolute crap for half the next day.  Just not worth doing it.  I like that I CAN have a drink now and then, was scared for a long time to try to have a drink being on medications, and what it might do, I'm sure it's not good for me, but whatever, not pounding down a whole bottle, a little nip now and then?? Maybe?

Roller Coaster Rides

Nah, not about amusement parks.  Living life of anxiety is full of ups and downs,  I know quite a few people with Bi-polar disorder and can sympathize with them as well.  Heck, maybe we're all messed in the head to some point or another anyway,  so why not just live on.  But, as far as my life goes, seems to rise and fall with some bouts of depression.  Have not had a lot of it since I've been "recovering" to normal life, but for some reason the last three days going on four now,  at least I assume anyway is due to some depression. as to what it's from i'm not really sure.

Working on these campers/trailers and making minimal progress, and not finishing one before really diving into the other probably didn't help.  But excitement was there and now it's dwindling a bit.  Need a refresher of some sort to get back on track.  Every gain right now seems to be off-set by two negatives.  Either way i'm not going to lose any money, just time invested even if I sold either or both trailer/campers right now, both are going to be substantial money gains.  But just getting to the end of what I'd like to have happen is trying.

So, that's what I'm putting my state of grumpy time to I think.  Spending so much time demolishing one, rebuilding another, then thinking of what it will cost me in materials, and then hope I get it back it out once I do, of course i'm worried, add stress, it's hot out, not enough sex ..........  errr moving on.

Just tired of feeling crappy for past few days.  SO dammit, I bought a bottle of booze to put it right on top of my crappy attitude tonight.  And for those who are curious?  Don't try this at home!!  Now and then I've decided to have a little nip.  Not much, just a little.  And for the first time in 3.5 days I smiled tonight. Yeah that's not good, and no I won't look to the bottle to solve issues, just felt like having a drink for a change,  I should not have one, tomorrow i'll pay for even for drink, and with my meds in my system it won't help things, and heck can't even think real clear as i'm writing this, so i'll have to read this tomorrow and see what kind of things I thought up.

anxiety is a funny adversary,, not

No clue what's causing it, but knowing how anxiety works I  have a couple thoughts.   For the past 3 nights been having terrible troubles sleeping. Soon as I lay in bed, I start getting uncomfortable,  anxiety uncomfortable.  Start having trouble breathing, that sends me into the next step of worry, then pretty soon, i'm fidgeting all over, worry and stress about why it's happening, then pretty soon, I'm in a full blown panic attack mode.  Now, that said the attacks don't consume me like they used to.  I deal with them as long as I can then I get up and do something until they pass.  But that's now 1:30 or 2:00 am that i've been struggling.

And I like to get up at 6:00 am with the dogs, go for a walk with them, get them and myself exercise that helps keep the anxiety demons at bay for them and myself.  My first thought on the matter is.  I started shooting my longbow in preparation of archery deer season next month.  I haven't shot a bow in 15 years.  Muscles I haven't had a use for are now awaken from a dark cave and dorment area.  That new pain and sensation I'd rather not have, and wasn't used to made me uncomfortable the first of the 3 sleepless nights.

So, I believe that's what set it in motion, is some real pain in a new muscle area that hadn't been around since I was in my 20's lol.  Nonetheless, it triggered a few worries that shouldn't of mattered, but whatever, they did.  And now i've grown a new pathway in my brain that going to bed means i'm going to be uncomfortable and have a panic attack.. Poof,, there it is, 3 nights running now,  it's 1:30 am as I type this to get it off my chest and out of my brain.  And the dogs will miss their morning mile or so walk cuz I'll be tossing and turning until 4:00 am with this crap.

So, I turn to one of my now growing mound of hobbies,  online games, painting, guitar, fixing things, ie: trailers and camping trailers etc.  training the dogs,  I really could go on, but those are the main ones, and I swap them out as necessary to keep my brain away from thoughts of panic and anxiety.  Lately i've been well enough I don't even take my medication with me when i'm out and about on my own.  Wise or not, i'm testing myself I guess.  I keep pushing my limits to see if , to see if there is one?  And if there is,  I find away through it and on to the next.  Worst thing I can do is let my panic i'm having as I type this with going to bed leak into ANY other part of my life.

I'll work through this like i've done everything else so far in my life, just relearning to walk again in another phase of my journey.
Anyone else with the issues? Don't dwell on em, just try to meet them head on, if you hit a brickwall, don't bang your head on it, use your head in another way, if it's bad enough,   Get some help, it's not a crime, or embarrassment to admit you need, or rather want help.  Want is a much better word.  I use the "need" word as a joke at this point.  Most people that know me well know my sense of humor is off the wall, slapstick and tom foolery.  And often hear,, "you need help" or "you just ain't right"  well no kidding,  I know that, and the State of Wisconsin agrees with me, duh.. i'm on disibility for anxiety disorder.

It's not funny, but , ah hell yeah it is.  I know mentally i'm fine, as in i'm not a danger to anyone or myself, I can be trusted with the elderly, sharp objects and kids...  Ok maybe not sharp objects, especially crow bars, crow bars and I have a love hate relationship , but i'll tell that story another time, kind of a painful one.  But yeah, i'm getting help from the state, I NEEDED it.  Now I just want help to continue my battle. I want to enjoy life as much as I can as normal as I can.  10 years without being able to wake up in the morning and smile for any reason was hard.  Hard on me, hard on my loving dog Simba and Jeanne of course.   I think Simba took it the hardest.  He couldn't understand what was wrong with me,  can't explain it to him,  he just knew the walks we went on were hardly ever going to happen again.

The games we played changed, i'd suddenly be unable to do much more than cry at times, to the point I was too scared to go outside at all, even to take him out to go potty, Jeanne would have to,  and all I had to do was open the patio door, walk 11 feet to his tie out, hook him up and go back in.  Couldn't do it.  too far, too scared, couple times I made it that far,  I RAN fast as I could back to the house,  crawled even one time it hit me so hard.  The world was a large scary place that I was not welcome in any longer.

Simba became my sensor. amazing dog.  I'd be sitting in a chair, and he'd come over and flop his big head in my lap and look up at me,  he could tell, I didn't even know, but there was a panic attack coming on, from who knows what, and sure enough within minutes,  BAM, and off my brain would go. I'd hold him as tight as he'd let me, he was there for me every step of the way, wanting to understand and to help.

Ok now I have tears, I miss him dearly and have to move on, his death wears on me still because of the years I couldn't be more for him than I was for many years.  That's why I have 2 dogs now that I spoil and spoil, and give them everything they need and more, and they give it right back ten fold.

Looking back, Mowing forward

Looking back, just something I haven't even given much thought to since I've been getting better.  Hard to believe it's been over a year (march 12th 2012) since I couldn't handle the panic attacks any more.  Still remember the dreadful days leading up to the visit to the emergency room.  And sitting and waiting and pacing for nearly 4 freaking hours in that emergency room.  Shaking, trembling, scared to death.

Yeah, was NOT real happy about that.  But dammit I was there, I was not leaving until I got help for this crap, no matter what.  But the memories of how bad I had gotten.  The misery I was in,  Blah, was just terrible, I can't imagine anyone ever going through that. I've talked to so many with panic and anxiety, literally hundreds, and thankfully nobody else I've come acrossed has had panic that bad.  Not a contest, but just glad is all.

So, over a year, and the leaps I've made to me is just unreal, going from what I was, to what I am now, boggles the mind truthfully.  Anxiety is still there, yeah.  probably always will be to some extent, at least

that's what the doctor "hints" at more or less.  But not being a prisoner to my own mind any longer is just plain awesome.  I still feel the need to take steps to make myself feel, well I guess "safe" while i'm out alone places, especially new places I haven't been.  Always have a cell phone with me, and I usually take my medications with me in case I need a bit more help.  But rarely do I ever take any extra.

Just being able to go to Argyle to see my family.  And be able to stay there while Jeanne goes back to Burlington.  For years I couldn't be more than a yell away from her.  Only person I felt completely safe with I guess?  Hard to explain it, so it's refreshing to say the least to not have to rely on that "need" and go do our own things when we want.

So, mowing forward, of course that anxiety and panic still rears it's ugly head occasionally, last few nights had some pretty tough times when I go to bed, have to get up for a while and paint, or get on the computer until it passes.  Had a few times in the car lately where I was ready to jump out, but it passes. So, it's all about fighting, learning and winning the battle, not letting it win, not giving in to it, remembering you won't die from it, just breathe, relax,think of something else and it'll soon go away.

Get off the roof!! No!

Back at the old farm in Argyle this weekend.  And sure enough Grandma puts me to work right away hehe.  Well not really, she needed her gutters cleaned, and figured I'd give it a go, someone has to, she can't do it. So, figured good time to see if I could get up on the ladder that high up, 6 months ago, wasn't any way I could.  Apparently I'm getting better.  Got them gutters cleaned out by golly.  Even got up on the roof and finished the gutters off that way, with help from Jeanne also.  Even have pictures proving I was up there hehe.

Heart was pounding like mad, but that's alright, took another step in the right direction.  And no, umm don't call me to do your gutters, it wasn't THAT much fun.

But, of course once Grandma saw that I was ready to work,  had me watering her garden, picking tomatoes and pulling off caterpillars that were chewing up the tomato plants.  And then burning a big brush pile for her.  Good to help her, done a lot for me over the years, but time to go back down to Dads house before she had me putting in overtime...........  Oh, well she deserves the love, do everything I can for her while she's still around, last grandparent I have, going to spoil her as long as I can.  I'm sure in her will she'll leave a chore list for me that'll last for 20 years.  I'm only partially kidding on that,  I think I can wait for a while!!

Oh, side note, got a strange call on my cell phone today,  someone in an eastern Indian accent, telling me there has been strange warnings coming from my computer, and wanted me to turn it on so they can check the problem,.... click, bye bye,  anyone have that happen to them, hangup unless you have requested help and can verify the caller. . It's an attempt to steal your identity.  Not sure why they'd want mine,  most days over past 10 years I couldn't give it away.  NOW they want it....... .guess I am getting better hehe.

So, anyway,  not sure I mentioned what my new hobbies are?  We basically stole a decent shape pop up camper for $40.00 at a goodwill type store.  And have been fixing that up, almost done with it.  Quite enjoy doing that,  either going to resell it, use it or rent it out.  I need an income anyway I can get it.  Had so much fun fixing that one up, for really not much cost.  I bought a 21 foot travel trailer, outside is nearly perfect, inside has to be gutted and restored,  cabinets are nearly perfect, toilet and shower are very good, power center looks good,  trailer and tires look very good, has electric assisted breaks.  Got that for a couple hundred bucks,  trailer alone worth nearly 500.  Could part the rest out and make probably 800 total or so.

But, going to work on it, fix it up, and do the same as the pop up.  Keeps me busy, but until they are done they just suck up what little money I have after my doctor bills soak up what they can.  But heck, if I could fix them up and resell buy a couple more, rinse and repeat,  IF they sell,  could make a pretty penny, or I'll have a whole fleet of them with nothing to do with.... oh boy.

On to the next topic at hand..... Since we've last talked last December, we added to our family,, no no Jeanne's didn't get pregnant,  Loki our now year and a half old husky "needed" a brother,  well I thought he did, he's less than pleased with the situation of HAVING a brother.... But alas,  I got him a brother none the less,  a royal pain in the butt 6 month old black and white blue eyed monster called THOR.  And boy oh boy do they love to pick and pick and pick and argue to each other,  and now Thor apparently going through his terrible 2's early and started chewing up stuff.   *sigh*  Great having 2 dogs................Started painting also a bit again,  hard to get back into it, and a little rusty after 6 or 7 months not doing it.  But it's coming back quickly, had nearly as many people telling me to get painting again as I did writing my blog,  one of these things have to start giving me some money darn it, I have too many "hobbies" for other people..

One problem I have painting..  The reason I started doing it about 4 years ago was to help keep some of my anxiety at bay.  And it helped a great deal at first.  I spent many a sleepless night up painting because of panics grip on me.  And it kept my mind off of the issues, sometimes enough to get 3-4 hours of sleep eventually.  But now when I paint that's what I think about,  the panic and anxiety,  I think when I paint now that I must not be feeling well .. it's not the case,  I feel ok, but I associate it with that so much it's hard to get started painting because of that past I have with it.

Same with guitar playing,  took that up about the same time as painting, as another thing to help keep my mind off of my problems.  Hadn't played in a long time, and my best friend Jeremy has a beauty of a guitar, one time we stopped there I restrung it for him, and we twanged on it for a bit.  And I kind of fell in love with guitars again,  and HIS guitar,  really nice one, compared to the piece of crap electric I had.  Of course I have two other guitars, very nice Washburn acoustic,  and a Washburn acoustic electric.  So I traded in my crappy electric at Guitar Center in Madison for a new Ephiphone Les Paul plus top.  What a beautiful guitar, plays great.   But I still have troubles like in painting, of picking it up and playing because of my previous reasons for learning guitar in the first place.   it seems to never end geeez.

IT IS BACK!!!

Been asked by, well a surprising amount of people, where is your blog?  Why no updates?  To be honest there is a couple reasons,  one I just got healthy enough I got sick of sitting on my ass and thinking of anxiety problems, and just started living more and more,  2nd?  Got tired of writing about it basically.

But, now that I pulled it out again, it's actually kind of nice to start again.  I'll have to try to catch up from where I left off last December I think it was, but for the mean time, I'm just going to be in the present here and a little of the past.

One other reason I decided it's time to pull this out and start writing again, is .....  A lot of people I've come across, friends and strangers alike, that suffer from a wide ranging ailment of anxiety and panic disorders and I've been able to talk openly and honestly with them how to help cope with their specific issues and problems, and to what from my vast experience in the matter can I'd say professionally state my opinion on what they can do for themselves to better their lives, and hopefully lessen or admonish completely the wondrous world of anxiety.

So, here I write, wondering about my own future.  I've overcome so much in a years time, quite amazing to me and probably others as well, as bad as I was March 2012.  It's really a miracle I think.  But you do reach a plateau in areas.

One issue I have,  if those that don't know, I am on disability from the state, and I have about a year left of my 3 years, and I think I'm probably well enough that I won't get an extension on that.  I didn't want to be on it in the first place,  but there is no way on earth I could of gotten to where I'm at today without it.  Unfortunately the amount it pays me a month isn't anywhere near enough to keep up with bills I have, and things I want to do personally to try to push myself further away from anxiety.

I've been able to work some with my cousin Matt, just to basically test the waters,  but I'm finding that I can only work with someone else, at least right now, that I know, am close to or trust, or all the above.  Not sure I could survive alone doing something, however the problems I had in the past mowing lawns seems to have dissipated considerably,  even to the point I've nearly fallen asleep a few times while riding on the mower.  Going from ready to jump off screaming after 5 minutes versus taking a nap, shows a heck of a lot of progress in my book.

But I do have issues from time to time doing it,  an unhealthy reminder that my life still feels the tug of anxiety trying to grasp me, so the work and push forward is never ending indeed.