Saturday, August 17, 2013

Looking back, Mowing forward

Looking back, just something I haven't even given much thought to since I've been getting better.  Hard to believe it's been over a year (march 12th 2012) since I couldn't handle the panic attacks any more.  Still remember the dreadful days leading up to the visit to the emergency room.  And sitting and waiting and pacing for nearly 4 freaking hours in that emergency room.  Shaking, trembling, scared to death.

Yeah, was NOT real happy about that.  But dammit I was there, I was not leaving until I got help for this crap, no matter what.  But the memories of how bad I had gotten.  The misery I was in,  Blah, was just terrible, I can't imagine anyone ever going through that. I've talked to so many with panic and anxiety, literally hundreds, and thankfully nobody else I've come acrossed has had panic that bad.  Not a contest, but just glad is all.

So, over a year, and the leaps I've made to me is just unreal, going from what I was, to what I am now, boggles the mind truthfully.  Anxiety is still there, yeah.  probably always will be to some extent, at least

that's what the doctor "hints" at more or less.  But not being a prisoner to my own mind any longer is just plain awesome.  I still feel the need to take steps to make myself feel, well I guess "safe" while i'm out alone places, especially new places I haven't been.  Always have a cell phone with me, and I usually take my medications with me in case I need a bit more help.  But rarely do I ever take any extra.

Just being able to go to Argyle to see my family.  And be able to stay there while Jeanne goes back to Burlington.  For years I couldn't be more than a yell away from her.  Only person I felt completely safe with I guess?  Hard to explain it, so it's refreshing to say the least to not have to rely on that "need" and go do our own things when we want.

So, mowing forward, of course that anxiety and panic still rears it's ugly head occasionally, last few nights had some pretty tough times when I go to bed, have to get up for a while and paint, or get on the computer until it passes.  Had a few times in the car lately where I was ready to jump out, but it passes. So, it's all about fighting, learning and winning the battle, not letting it win, not giving in to it, remembering you won't die from it, just breathe, relax,think of something else and it'll soon go away.

On to new things, stress is evident with me, always worried about money, not ready to brave the real world with a job, and it pisses me off terribly. Would love to help my cousin Matt with drywall finishing and painting, but he doesn't really want to work at that much.  Had a good time with not a lot of problems while doing it, was huge for my progress, was able to really start doing things without Jeanne being there to babysit me in case I "freaked" out.  Not quite skilled enough in all avenues of that type of work on my own yet, least I don't think so.  And unfortunately I'm still really only comfortable working and doing things with people i'm used to being around.

So, why not buy a pop up camper for 40 bucks and fix it up, and sell it eh? or rent it out?  I'm handy with tools and working on whatever the task is, love learning new things, and heck, it keeps anxiety t bay.   So, here it is .....

and we are just about done with that one, either going to rent it, use it or sell it.  patched up the canvas, was going to replace it, but wow, around 1,000 bucks to do that?? forget it, long as it looks good and doesn't leak, we're going with that.  took off the roof, replaced all the outside plywood, coated the top and sides with a special covering.  redoing some of the inside, but not much..  And it's ready to rock.  Queen pop out, and full pop out, plus a dinette area that transforms into a sleeping area, and a couch that also can be made into a full side bed.  Also has a sink, and a lot of storage that's hidden among almost everything.   Just want to replace a piece on the back end and one on the side, re caulk and seal everything and I put new tires on it.

Had so much fun redoing that one, I found another one that's going to test any skills I have, but it's larger, a travel trailer 21 foot.  around 3500 lbs vs 1900 on the popup.  But for a couple hundred bucks?? WHY NOT??  The trailer alone is worth over 500 even if you tore off the camper on top.  Let's show you this one quick......

the outside is in very good shape, needs a good cleaning, tires are good.  But the interior was soaked at some point, ceiling walls and floor need to be replaced, queen and full size tip outs on the front and back for sleeping, canvas is gone on those, and the structure of the tip outs needs attention. But, has stereo hardwired, lots of cabinets, shower and toilet,  dinette area that once again can be used as probably a queen size sleeping area, plus a pull out futon style couch that's a full size.  has place for air conditioning, has furnace, sink microwave, refrigerator.  I might live in the darn thing.

But those are my newest hobbies and have kept me jumping.  the newest trailer i'm nearly done gutting and can start replacing floors/walls/ceilings electric will be run again, plumbing, *sigh*  but the actually cost of what needs to be done really is just a matter of finding solid materials.

So, we either fix em up, rent em out.  or sell one and find another to rehab and rinse and repeat.  Will probably put both up for sale at the price we feel is fair along with rental opportunity and use them for ourselves otherwise until the right situation presents itself.

Keep on the lookout for deals for me,  I'd actually like a good 17-21 foot bare trailer to make our own from scratch.

anyway that's my story for now.  see ya.