Friday, August 9, 2013


Been asked by, well a surprising amount of people, where is your blog?  Why no updates?  To be honest there is a couple reasons,  one I just got healthy enough I got sick of sitting on my ass and thinking of anxiety problems, and just started living more and more,  2nd?  Got tired of writing about it basically.

But, now that I pulled it out again, it's actually kind of nice to start again.  I'll have to try to catch up from where I left off last December I think it was, but for the mean time, I'm just going to be in the present here and a little of the past.

One other reason I decided it's time to pull this out and start writing again, is .....  A lot of people I've come across, friends and strangers alike, that suffer from a wide ranging ailment of anxiety and panic disorders and I've been able to talk openly and honestly with them how to help cope with their specific issues and problems, and to what from my vast experience in the matter can I'd say professionally state my opinion on what they can do for themselves to better their lives, and hopefully lessen or admonish completely the wondrous world of anxiety.

So, here I write, wondering about my own future.  I've overcome so much in a years time, quite amazing to me and probably others as well, as bad as I was March 2012.  It's really a miracle I think.  But you do reach a plateau in areas.

One issue I have,  if those that don't know, I am on disability from the state, and I have about a year left of my 3 years, and I think I'm probably well enough that I won't get an extension on that.  I didn't want to be on it in the first place,  but there is no way on earth I could of gotten to where I'm at today without it.  Unfortunately the amount it pays me a month isn't anywhere near enough to keep up with bills I have, and things I want to do personally to try to push myself further away from anxiety.

I've been able to work some with my cousin Matt, just to basically test the waters,  but I'm finding that I can only work with someone else, at least right now, that I know, am close to or trust, or all the above.  Not sure I could survive alone doing something, however the problems I had in the past mowing lawns seems to have dissipated considerably,  even to the point I've nearly fallen asleep a few times while riding on the mower.  Going from ready to jump off screaming after 5 minutes versus taking a nap, shows a heck of a lot of progress in my book.

But I do have issues from time to time doing it,  an unhealthy reminder that my life still feels the tug of anxiety trying to grasp me, so the work and push forward is never ending indeed.
But as my last year of disability winds down, so does the insurance help I get.  A large part of myself wants off of disability, seems to demeaning, degrading really to be on it.  Makes me feel very substandard to others.   Then of course I see others that are on it,  and want to slap them and tell them to quit abusing the system you jackass.  I needed help, I got it, thank you America. p.s.  I may need you a bit longer lol.

So, I worry, and stress about the next year.  And that takes up too much brain power that could be served elsewhere fighting and winning the battle of anxiety.  I need to get a solid income coming in.  Who's going to hire a "mentally disabled" 42 year old white male?  Hell most people that know me well enough would say,, heck he's been mentally off since we've known him,  well, yeah thanks everyone,  you thought it before I typed it, come on now he he.

Seriously though?  I don't have a resume to speak of anymore, 5 years as a cop nearly 20 years ago, security work in the time period.  Apartment management and maintenance after that for a few years,  then 7 years of a very successful real estate sales agent.  then 10 years of --------------------------------- .. yeah right? nothing for 10 years of panic attacks and hell,  doesn't look good on any resume.  And far as jobs go, I'm sure with unemployment around these days, something better than nothing.   but I do have some pride to deal with yet.

SO if you have some ideas on this matter. gimme a call 262-210-8325....!!!!!

ANYWAYS,  bought a pop up camper for 40 bucks and nearly have it in proper working order, thinking of renting it out as a way of some income,  looking at another one today that needs rehabbing as well,  if I can get them cheap enough, and repair cheap enough, either rent them out or resell them,  might do OK, and I'm very handy with my hands........ just ask my girlfriend,,  errrrr *cough* ummm yeah.

Driving as a career would be bad lol.  driving alone even worse,  Have been able to drive about 20 miles occasionally with Jeanne and the dogs with me, with some issues, but better than not being able to get in a vehicle at all right?  SO, progress......

Been able to go fishing several times, that makes my heart heal vastly,  love fishing more than just about everything.  But I even missed working,  so anytime now I'm getting my hands dirty I actually love it, hard for me to sit still and do nothing, gotta go go go anymore. I might miss something I haven't seen in 10 years, why take the chance.

OK what else can I say today........heck I don't know,  once I start another topic here I'll keep jabbering for a hour.  so I'll leave this for today.  

see you later, have a good day!!